The Best 75 Murder Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Murder jokes. There are some murder murderer jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these murder cide puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Murder Jokes and Puns

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

He'd be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you'll have the element of surprise.

I got arrested last night for murder...

I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.

The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

If they catch him, they estimate the trial could last 30 days.

jokes about murder

A joke for the cerebral...What do you call it when a bunch of crows agree to meet later?

Premeditated murder.


New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office...

When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."

And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a murder!?"

Murder joke, A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office...

If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

Where do you hide after a murder?

Behind a badge.

A falling battery killed a man today.

It was charged with murder.

What do you call two crows sitting in a tree?

Attempted murder

You can explore murder kill reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean murder killer dad jokes. There are also murder puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What do you call a group of chickens dressed up like crows?

A murder most fowl.

(I'll see myself out...)

I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...

Luckily only one crow showed up...

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

Why are no murders solved in West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA and no one has any teeth.

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.

Murder joke, They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I was arrested for killing a black man

I thought I would be charged with murder, but instead I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. Yes, replied the murderer. Will you hold my hand?

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year.

We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.


I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

A man is charged with first-degree murder and is on the stand, being questioned by the prosecution.

Did you commit the crime?

No sir, I did not.

I remind you that you are under oath. Do you know the penalty for perjury?

Yes sir, and it's a darn sight less than the penalty for murder.

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

If abortion is murder

Is jerking off genocide?

Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge.

What do you call a group of crows who see food?

A tempted murder.

I'll see myself out now.

How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of murder?

She claimed she had locomotives.

(I'm sorry.)

Murder joke, How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of murder?

What's a difference between a crusade and a homicide

In one, you murder for a book and in other you are booked for a murder.

If someone is killed by an earthquake,

is it murder by de*fault*?

Why aren't the police making any neo-nazi arrests in murder cases?

There's no dental records and all the DNA matches


I almost witnessed a murder

Luckily, only one crow showed up.

i watched my classmate murder our professor with a calculator

it was graphic

I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

Two scientists walk into a restaurant

The first one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O".

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. We are not at work right now, why are you referring to it like that?"

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and weeps, for his murder plan had failed.

When Jesus died, that was God's sacrifice for the world..

But when I kill my son it's just murder?


It's only a murder of crows...

... if there's probable caws.

The best murder weapon would be

a Tupperware lid because nobody would ever find it.

Why are Redneck murder victims so hard to identify?

There are no dental records...

I called the police to report a murder in my front yard but they refused to respond

They said if I really wanted the crows gone I'd have to do it myself

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

How was he killed asked one detective. With a golf gun. Replied the second detective.

A golf gun? What's a golf gun?

I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it's starting to become a domino effect.

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

A cannibal is on trial for murder and cannibalism...

He's called up to the witness stand and the prosecutor asks him if he pleads guilty or innocent.
"Innocent!" he says.
The prosecutor asks him to prove it.
The cannibal answers, "Well, you are what you eat, right? So I am an innocent man!"

Courtroom

Prosecutor: Did you kill this man?

Me: No

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?

Me: Yeah, it's a lot less than the penalty for murder

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

What is it called when you murder a friend?

Homiecide

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?

CROW: I was with a group of friends

COP: What would you call that group?

CROW: …I want a lawyer

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.

They charged him with attempted murder.

This season of Earth is not realistic

So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?

I'm feeling Lost.

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor wanted for murder?

The authorities are saying he had loco motives.

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That's why I'm a cop.

Three crows planned a meeting and only two of them showed up

They were charged for attempted murder

A detective story

11:45 - arrived at crime scene

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain

11:45 - Realised watch was broken

11:45 Arrive at the crime scene

11:45 Examine body, signs of a struggle
11:45 Found murder weapon in storm drain
11:45 Realize watch is broken

What do you call a cop who gets convicted of murder?

A good start.

My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

Why's it so hard to solve a redneck murder?

Cause the DNA's all the same and there ain't no dental records.

"Hello police? I'd like to report a murder"

"For the last time sir, a bunch of crows sitting in a tree isn't a threat to your security"

A group of dogs is a pack. A group of crows is a murder. What is a group of Karen's?

A Home Owners Association.

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.

The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

But is it murder?

A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?" "Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."

A prison inmate is talking to his new cell mate

A prison inmate is talking to his new cell mate.
Inmate #1: so, why are you here?
Inmate #2: I'm in prison for something I didn't do.
Inmate #1: yeah?
Inmate #2: yea, I didn't wipe off the fingerprints from the murder weapon.

Russell Crowe & Sheryl Crow walk into a bar…

The bartender calls 911, "I need to report an attempted murder!"

Murdering people is not what gets you jail time.

Not properly disposing of the bodies is what gets you jail time.

I had a really tasty vegan steak last week.

Changing the subject, anyone know a good lawyer for defending a murder case?

Prisoner complains to guard as he first arrives at prison:

Even the judge knows I'm being imprisoned for a crime I never committed!

Guard: What you in for?

Prisoner: Attempted murder.

OC

Russel Crowe and Sheryl Crow walks into a bar...

The bartender calls 911 and says, "I need to report an attempted murder."

Celebrity Murder

Dwayne Johnson was murdered in a hotel room he was staying at. Police were called as soon as the body was discovered, and they did some investigating.

An officer knocked on the door of someone living one floor down. He asked the man who answered if he heard anything unusual above him, but he didn't know what the officer was talking about.

He was living under The Rock all this time and had no idea what was going on.

Why are Red Neck murder cases so Hard to Solve?

Because everyone has the same DNA and there are no Dental Records.

What do you call a couple crows?

An attempted murder

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the murder matricide jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working murder manslaughter piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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