murder Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious murder puns

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

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Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge.

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A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

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I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

How was he killed asked one detective. With a golf gun. Replied the second detective.

A golf gun? What's a golf gun?

I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan

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New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

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I called the police to report a murder in my front yard but they refused to respond

They said if I really wanted the crows gone I'd have to do it myself

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A falling battery killed a man today.

It was charged with murder.

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They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.

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Two scientists walk into a restaurant

The first one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O".

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. We are not at work right now, why are you referring to it like that?"

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and weeps, for his murder plan had failed.

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I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

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I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

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The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

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We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year.

We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.

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Where do you hide after a murder?

Behind a badge.

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What do you call two crows sitting in a tree?

Attempted murder

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Courtroom

Prosecutor: Did you kill this man?

Me: No

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?

Me: Yeah, it's a lot less than the penalty for murder

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Why are no murders solved in West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA and no one has any teeth.

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I was arrested for killing a black man

I thought I would be charged with murder, but instead I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

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I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...

Luckily only one crow showed up...

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To avoid risk of suffocation, keep plastic bags away from children.

...the little shits will murder you in your sleep given half a chance.

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When Jesus died, that was God's sacrifice for the world..

But when I kill my son it's just murder?

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If abortion is murder

Is jerking off genocide?

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What do you call a group of crows who see food?

A tempted murder.

I'll see myself out now.

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I almost witnessed a murder

Luckily, only one crow showed up.

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Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

If they catch him, they estimate the trial could last 30 days.

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A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. Yes, replied the murderer. Will you hold my hand?

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09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

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I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it's starting to become a domino effect.

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Why are Redneck murder victims so hard to identify?

There are no dental records...

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How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of murder?

She claimed she had locomotives.

(I'm sorry.)

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I got arrested last night for murder...

I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.

The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.

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The best murder weapon would be

a Tupperware lid because nobody would ever find it.

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Mickey Mouse is on trial for the murder of Minnie Mouse

The judge asks to clarify, "The report here says your motive for killing her is for being too silly?"

"No your honor, she was fucking Goofy"

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What do you call a group of chickens dressed up like crows?

A murder most fowl.

(I'll see myself out...)

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What are the most funny Murder jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Murder? Well, here are the best Murder dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Murder pick up lines to share with friends.

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