Mummy Jokes

A collection of hilarious mummy jokes guaranteed to make children and adults alike chuckle this Halloween. These clever jokes include puns about silly mummies, mischievous daddies, and wise grandmas that are sure to leave you rolling on the floor in laughter.

Uproarious Mummy Jokes to Share with Friends

My daughter came up to me and said

My daughter came up to me and said "daddy when my cat died why were its legs in the air?" I replied "well that's so Jesus can grab it to take it to heaven." "That means mummy nearly died this morning!" She said, I asked "how?"
"well when I looked in her bedroom she was screaming "Jesus I'm coming!" And if it wasn't for the postman holding her down he would have got her."

My young daughter asked me this morning....

My young daughter asked me this morning, "Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream."

"Nothing, darling," I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head.

For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.

One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby kicking. Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!"

Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?

His mummy.

jokes about mummy

Egyptian joke

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

So two boys are by the lake...

...and see a naked women. One runs away crying while the other stays.

Later, they meet up and the one that stayed said, "Why did you run away like that?"

"Mummy said if I saw a naked women I would turn to stone, and I felt something going hard!"

Whats for Dinner

A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."

The little girl screams to her Brother,

"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."

Mummy joke, Whats for Dinner

Child walks in on parents in coitus

Mummy and Daddy are having sex and their beautiful child walks in. Flustered, Mummy leaps off the bed (and off her husband) and wittingly tries to console what she thinks is her scarred son.

son: mummy, what's going on?
mum: oh son! I was just helping your daddy to flatten his belly
son: but why mummy? there's no point. the nanny just comes and blows it back up again.

I was in the car with my son.

"Daddy, why did you and Mummy break up?" he asked.

I said, "I don't want to talk about it right now."

"Why not?" he asked.

"We're on the way to a funeral," I replied, "Where we're supposed to be sad."

Why are the undead so angry all the time?

They have mummy issues.

My son and I were driving along the countryside.

He looked out the window and said, "Daddy, what are those two cows doing?"

"They are creating children," I replied, stopping the car.

"Is that how you and mummy made me?" he asked.

I said, "Yes, in the middle of a field while people watched."

You can explore mummy grandma reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mummy dad dad jokes. There are also mummy puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

A mummy calls a restauraunt.

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

It seems I passed my mummy embalming exam...

It was a no brainer!

Why didn't the british boy's mother ever dress up for halloween?

Because she already was a mummy.

Making Cakes

One day a daughter hears her parents having sex in the next room.

The next day she says her to her mother "mummy what were you and daddy doing last night?"

"We were making cakes honey."

A few weeks later, the daughter said to her mum.

"Mummy were you and daddy making cakes again last night?"

"Yes honey, how did you know?"

"Because I licked the icing off the table"

We have little Johnny in Australia too.

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom just as his mother is getting out of the bath.

He points at her nether region and asks "mummy, what's that?"

She thinks quickly and replies "that's where god hit me with his little golden axe."

Little Johnny replies "geez, he got you right in the c**t didn't he"

Mummy joke, We have little Johnny in Australia too.

Why was the Egyptian kid confused?

Because his daddy was a mummy

I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

Mummy, what's an 'orgasm' ?

I don't know. Ask your father.

How does a mummy attract a mate?

Pharaoh moans.

Dad how are babies made?

Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mums tummy.
Daughter: Does mummy swallow the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?

His Mummy.

I'm sorry.

BREAKING NEWS!

Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate & hazelnuts, and believe it to be Pharoah Rocher.

"Mummy, can I lick the bowl?"

"No Samantha you can flush like everyone else does"

A mummy was found in Egypt.

The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet adviser appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."
"How did you find out?"
"He confessed," the advisor said.

Mummy joke, A mummy was found in Egypt.

Archaeologists have recently found a mummy while excavating a tomb in Egypt

Oddly enough, the mummy was covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Rosher.

There was a family of balloons...

Daddy Balloon, Mummy Balloon, and Baby Balloon.

One night, Baby Balloon crept into his parents' bedroom. He carefully undid Daddy's knot and deflated him a little.
Then he did the same to Mummy. Then he undid his own knot and let some air out.

The next morning Daddy Balloon confronted him.

"Baby Balloon, we are very disappointed in you. You let me down. You let your mother down. But worst of all...

You let yourself down!"

Why did you go to Egypt for honeymoon?

To make the wife a mummy.

Archaeologists have been searching around ..

Archaeologists have been searching around The Great Pyramids, and have come across a mummy covered in hazelnuts and chocolate. After more research it has been discovered it was the late Pharaoh Roche

Baby Whale

Baby Whale says to Dad Whale, 'Dad where did I come from?'
Dad Whale says, ' You came from me son, I put a seed in Mummy Whale and it grew into you'
Baby Whale says, 'thanks Dad'
Dad Whale says, You're Whalecum.'

The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."

Mothers on Facebook. Full time mummy is not a job.

Only Tutankhamun can claim that...

Archeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.

A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?

Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!

A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"

"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose".

The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.

"Well darling, when we were bringing *you* home from the hospital, a *lily* petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."

The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg".

"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".

My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.

The joke.
Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.

Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"

Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"

Son: "Moooooooo!!!!"
Then bursts into loud laughter.

Love this kid!

A little girl asks her mum

A little girl asks her mum "mummy, how was I born" Her mother smiled and replied "once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful tiny seed. Your daddy planted it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed germinated and grew tall with many leaves until it became a lovely healthy plant. Then we dried it and smoked it and got so high we forgot to use a condom"

A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

Mummy, Mummy, I hate daddy's guts

Then push them to the side of your plate!

Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try

Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.

"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."

"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."

Johnny then frowned.

"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"

Whats the difference between an ancient Egyptian Prince and a Kardashian?

The Egyptian knew from the start that their daddy would become a mummy.

Urgent news: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archologist believe it maybe Pharaoh Roche...

Egyptian babies didn't know that one day their daddy would become a mummy

Neither did the kardashians

Why did the pharaoh visit his parent's tomb?

He missed his mummy.

A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition.

After some digging, they found a pyramid and a mummy inside it. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.

"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the NKVD goons.

"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.

"He admitted it", replies the NKVD goon.

My wife was in the garden.

She started yelling to me.

Her: There are two spiders here, "is that a mummy longlegs

under the daddy longlegs.?

Me: No don't be silly there are no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs. "I felt pretty proud of myself with my answer.

Until she stomps on both spiders, "Well we are not having any of that gay shit in our garden.

A New tomb has been unearthed in Eqypt

Archeologists found a mummy wrapped in gold foil and knew they had found the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition

They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.

"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the NKVD goons.

"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.

"He admitted it", replies the NKVD goon.

A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum

Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th August?

Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son.

The skeleton asks the mummy

"What music do you listen to?"

The mummy replies, "wrap".

They've unearthed a sarcophagus in Egypt filled with chocolate and nuts

The mummy was wrapped in gold foil, so they believe it is the legendary Pharaoh Rocher

A little boy goes up to his pregnant mum, points at her fat belly and says, what's that?

She says… (a bit startled…) erm… that's a baby your daddy gave me that…

So the little boy walks off to find his dad with a confused look on his face…

daddy did you give mummy a baby ?

yeh I did son, that's right why do you ask…?

well don't give her another, she ate the last one!

My mom joined a pyramid scheme

now I call her Mummy.

What's the difference between a fart and an Egyptian mummy?

One is common tootin' but the other is Tutankhamen

What do you call an Egyptian mummy that thinks its a doctor?

A Cairopractor

Archeologists have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

They believe it's Pharaoh Rocher

Archeologists say that in very rare cases, you can experience a mummy farting in their crypt.

If you get the chance to experience this phenomena, you can call that toot uncommon.

My 2 year old told his first joke.

We were walking down to the car and he put his hands in his pockets. He says oh mummy what's that in my pocket.

I dont know sweetheart let's see what it is

Pulls out his hands and shouts 'my hands' and does jazz hands and kills himself laughing.

He takes after his dad. His smile and laughter made my day.

I said to my little boy 'What's the difference between Mummy and Jesus?'

He stared at me blankly.

'Jesus loves you.'

I'm joking. I don't have kids.

(An original… plagiarise at your peril)

Mummy, how was I born?

A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, Mummy, how was I born**?**

The mother smiled and replied:

Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth & I took care of it every single day.

After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.

So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom.

Mummy! I hate my brother's guts!

Well, leave them on the side of your plate then!

This joke was told to me 60 years ago by my then 3 year old brother. He still finds it funny!

A woman is walking home with her three daughters

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose."
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."

The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?!
DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!"
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."

A young girl asks her father, Daddy what does the word 'corruption' mean?

- Bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
- But mummy says you shouldn't drink!
- Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.
- Oh, okay!

My friend says he wants to sleep with Cleopatra

I think he just has mummy issues.

Archaeologists found a mummy adorned with ancient nuts and wrapped in gold foil.

They believe it may be the legendary Pharaoh Rocher.

A little girl asks her mum: Mummy, why do we never visit grandma?

Oh darling, you don't remember? She fell of the balcony…
And where is she now?
Well… she went to heaven
The little girl thinks about it for a moment…
Wow, that's a big bounce

How is an Egyptian mummy similar to a fart?

They have a toot in common.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mummy father puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working mummy ool piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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