Mummy Jokes

What are some Mummy jokes?

A mummy calls a restauraunt.

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?

Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!

The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."

A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"

"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose".

The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.

"Well darling, when we were bringing *you* home from the hospital, a *lily* petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."

The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg".

"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".

I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

Baby Whale

Baby Whale says to Dad Whale, 'Dad where did I come from?'
Dad Whale says, ' You came from me son, I put a seed in Mummy Whale and it grew into you'
Baby Whale says, 'thanks Dad'
Dad Whale says, You're Whalecum.'

My daughter came up to me and said

My daughter came up to me and said "daddy when my cat died why were its legs in the air?" I replied "well that's so Jesus can grab it to take it to heaven." "That means mummy nearly died this morning!" She said, I asked "how?"
"well when I looked in her bedroom she was screaming "Jesus I'm coming!" And if it wasn't for the postman holding her down he would have got her."

Archeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.

Why was the Egyptian kid confused?

Because his daddy was a mummy

Whats for Dinner

A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."

The little girl screams to her Brother,

"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."

Egyptian joke

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.

One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby kicking. Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!"

Dad how are babies made?

Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mums tummy.
Daughter: Does mummy swallow the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.

The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.

The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years.

The KGB team goes next. They hold the mummy for a week, and then come up with this: it was Pharaoh Ramenhotep the Second, born 1022 BC, became king after murdering his uncle, ruled for five years, on the third year of his reign the Nile flooded Luxor, on the fourth year the hittites attacked.

Everyone is perplexed: "How did you find all this out?"

"He confessed"

A young girl comes home one day

And runs straight to her mum

"mummy look! A boy gave me $20 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"

The mum replied

"honey, he's just doing that so he can see your underwear. Don't fall for their tricks!"

The next day the girl comes home with $50

"mummy look! The same boy gave me $50 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"

The mum replied

"didn't i tell you not to! He's just doing that to see your underwear!"

The girl responded

"don't worry mum, i took my underwear off this time"

"Mummy, can I lick the bowl?"

"No Samantha you can flush like everyone else does"

How does a mummy attract a mate?

Pharaoh moans.

BREAKING NEWS!

Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate & hazelnuts, and believe it to be Pharoah Rocher.

A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."

Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagious a lot of people died." "Very good," says the teacher. "One more?"

Little Johnny then stands up and says "my next door neighbour recently started painting his house with a two-inch brush. My Daddy says it'll take the contagious."

Why did you go to Egypt for honeymoon?

To make the wife a mummy.

Mummy, what's an 'orgasm' ?

I don't know. Ask your father.

(Irish joke, sorry guys). A teacher is giving an English lesson on the word "Contagious"...

...She asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word being used. One eager child says "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious".
"Very good!" replied the teacher, "has anybody else got an example?".
"My mummy says my laugh is contagious", said another child.
"Great answer!", said the teacher, "How about you Paddy?" (apologies for the token Irish name).
"Well, our neighbour is painting his fence with a toothbrush", said Paddy, "Dad says it's going to take the contagious!"

A mummy was found in Egypt.

The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet adviser appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."
"How did you find out?"
"He confessed," the advisor said.

My young daughter asked me this morning....

My young daughter asked me this morning, "Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream."

"Nothing, darling," I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head.

Archaeologists have recently found a mummy while excavating a tomb in Egypt

Oddly enough, the mummy was covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Rosher.

Making Cakes

One day a daughter hears her parents having sex in the next room.

The next day she says her to her mother "mummy what were you and daddy doing last night?"

"We were making cakes honey."

A few weeks later, the daughter said to her mum.

"Mummy were you and daddy making cakes again last night?"

"Yes honey, how did you know?"

"Because I licked the icing off the table"

I was in the car with my son.

"Daddy, why did you and Mummy break up?" he asked.

I said, "I don't want to talk about it right now."

"Why not?" he asked.

"We're on the way to a funeral," I replied, "Where we're supposed to be sad."

A little girl at school says to her teacher: Miss, can my mummy get pregnant?"

How old is your mother, dear? asks the teacher. Forty, she replies. Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant. The little girl then asks, Can my big sister get pregnant? . Well, dear, how old is your sister? The little girl answers, Nineteen. Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant. The little girl then asks, Can I get pregnant? . How old are you, dear? The little girl answers, I'm seven years old. No, dear, you can't get pregnant." The little boy sitting behind the little girl taps her back and says, See, I told you we had nothing to worry about.

A woman, her 7 years old and a Taxi driver.

A woman and her 7 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside.

The Boy asked; "Mummy, what are all those women doing?."

His Mother replied; "They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work."

The Taxi driver turned around and said; "Why don't you tell him the truth?. Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money."

The Boy's eyes got wide and asked; "Mummy is that true?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied; "Yes.!!"

After a few minutes, the boy asked; "Mummy, what happens to the babies those women have?."

She replied; "Most of them become Taxi drivers.

So two boys are by the lake...

...and see a naked women. One runs away crying while the other stays.

Later, they meet up and the one that stayed said, "Why did you run away like that?"

"Mummy said if I saw a naked women I would turn to stone, and I felt something going hard!"

Mothers on Facebook. Full time mummy is not a job.

Only Tutankhamun can claim that...

Child walks in on parents in coitus

Mummy and Daddy are having sex and their beautiful child walks in. Flustered, Mummy leaps off the bed (and off her husband) and wittingly tries to console what she thinks is her scarred son.

son: mummy, what's going on?
mum: oh son! I was just helping your daddy to flatten his belly
son: but why mummy? there's no point. the nanny just comes and blows it back up again.

There was a family of balloons...

Daddy Balloon, Mummy Balloon, and Baby Balloon.

One night, Baby Balloon crept into his parents' bedroom. He carefully undid Daddy's knot and deflated him a little.
Then he did the same to Mummy. Then he undid his own knot and let some air out.

The next morning Daddy Balloon confronted him.

"Baby Balloon, we are very disappointed in you. You let me down. You let your mother down. But worst of all...

You let yourself down!"

Why didn't the british boy's mother ever dress up for halloween?

Because she already was a mummy.

Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?

His Mummy.


I'm sorry.

Parents' Occupation!

The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

"Mary, what does your parents do?"

Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.

"That's very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?" Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"

"That's very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?"

He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a hooker."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.

"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.

Little Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number."

My son and I were driving along the countryside.

He looked out the window and said, "Daddy, what are those two cows doing?"

"They are creating children," I replied, stopping the car.

"Is that how you and mummy made me?" he asked.

I said, "Yes, in the middle of a field while people watched."

Why are the undead so angry all the time?

They have mummy issues.

We have little Johnny in Australia too.

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom just as his mother is getting out of the bath.

He points at her nether region and asks "mummy, what's that?"

She thinks quickly and replies "that's where god hit me with his little golden axe."

Little Johnny replies "geez, he got you right in the c**t didn't he"

Archaeologists have been searching around ..

Archaeologists have been searching around The Great Pyramids, and have come across a mummy covered in hazelnuts and chocolate. After more research it has been discovered it was the late Pharaoh Roche

It seems I passed my mummy embalming exam...

It was a no brainer!

A mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon are watching TV...

When the parents announce they are ready for bed, but the baby balloon is OK to stay up a little while longer. They head off to bed, and an hour later, baby balloon finishes his show, and goes to the bedroom.

As they are balloons and have no real sources of income, they live in a 1 bedroom apartment, and have to share a bed. The baby balloon tries to get into bed, but mummy balloon and daddy balloon are just so big that he can't squeeze in. So, he goes to daddy balloon, unties his knot and lets out a little air, and tries getting into bed again: Still not enough room. He then goes to mummy balloon and unties her knot and lets a little air out: A little better, but still not enough. So, he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and is able to fit comfortably into bed.

The next morning, baby balloon wakes up to find his parents are not there. He goes into the kitchen to find mummy and daddy balloon sitting at the table looking pretty angry.

Daddy balloon says, 'Son, we are pretty upset about what you did last night. You let me down, you let your mother down, but worst of all, you let yourself down.'

A little girl runs to her mum

"Mummy, I just saw a rat as big as an elephant!".
Her mum starts shouting angrily at her: "I told you one hundred thousands billions times not to exaggerate things!"

Archaeologists digging in Egypt have found a Mummy embalmed with chocolate and hazlenuts

It's believed to be a Pharaoh Rocher

A good boy asked to his mummy.....

Little Charles approached his mother and asked her "Mummy, whats a girlfriend" To which his mum replied "If you're a good boy, you will get one." Charles then asked, "What if I am a bad boy?" His mum answered "You will get many.

What do you call a mummy that's been knighted by the queen?

Sir Cophagus

What movie is universally loved by all orphans in England?

The Mummy Returns.

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day.....

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?"
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Mummy can I wear a bra now that I'm sixteen?

No, David.

A mother is walking her 3 daughters home

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"

"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.

The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.

"Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."

The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!" (do an exaggerated impression).

"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."

Did you hear about the mummy that reached the top 10 with his new album?

People say it's cause he has the tightest wraps

Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?

His mummy.

Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."

What did the baby Egyptian say when he got lost?

.

.

.

..

.

.

I want my mummy.

Mummy DNA shows that the ancients don't have much in common with modern Egyptians

But at least they have Tutankhamun

Why didn't the mummy go on vacation?

He was afraid he'd relax and unwind!

What did the mummy say to the other mummy when they farted at the same time?

"Looks like we had a Tutankhamen."

Archaeologists have discovered a mummy in Egypt encased in chocolate and surrounded by hazelnuts

They are calling it "The Pharaoh Rocher"

Two kids looked at a mummy exhibit...

Two kids looked at a mummy exhibit. On the bottom of the mummy case it said, "5000 B.C."

"What does that number mean?" the first one asked.

The second one wondered for a while, then said, "It must be the license plate number of the car that hit him."

What did baby corn say to mummy corn?

Where's popcorn?

.....Sorry.....I know this joke is corny.....

Whaddya call a gay mummy?

A dried fruit

A baby mouse is out for a walk one day and sees a bat...

He quickly runs home to his mother and says "Mummy! Mummy! I just saw an angel!"

Why did the mummy go to jail?

They got wrapped up in a pyramid scheme.

Archaeologists have found a hidden chamber in Tutankhamun's tomb

Archaeologists have found a second mummy inside Tutankhamun's tomb. The mummy appears to be covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. Experts believe it is the remains of Pharaoh Rocher.

How to make Mummy jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Mummy to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Mummy? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Mummy pick up lines to share with friends.

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