mummy Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious mummy puns

A mummy calls a restauraunt.

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

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Son: "What's that Daddy?" (*pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower*)...

Daddy: "That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound."

Son: "Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt."

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Little Jimmy in the car.

Little Jimmy is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.
A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.
All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.
"What was that mummy" says Jimmy,
"Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased,
"Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of the cock on him!"

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The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."

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A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner,

He and his wife decide they won't tell the kids what they are eating.

But the dad gives them a clue 'It's what mummy calls me '

the little girl screams to her brother "DON'T EAT IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!"

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I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

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Baby Whale

Baby Whale says to Dad Whale, 'Dad where did I come from?'
Dad Whale says, ' You came from me son, I put a seed in Mummy Whale and it grew into you'
Baby Whale says, 'thanks Dad'
Dad Whale says, You're Whalecum.'

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My daughter came up to me and said

My daughter came up to me and said "daddy when my cat died why were its legs in the air?" I replied "well that's so Jesus can grab it to take it to heaven." "That means mummy nearly died this morning!" She said, I asked "how?"
"well when I looked in her bedroom she was screaming "Jesus I'm coming!" And if it wasn't for the postman holding her down he would have got her."

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Archeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.

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Why was the Egyptian kid confused?

Because his daddy was a mummy

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Where do babies come from?

A little girl asks her dad "Where do babies come from?" and the dad explains to her "Well, babies are made when two people love each other and then the daddy puts his penis in the mummy's vagina."
The little girl then asks "If that is where babies com from then what does mummy get when daddy puts his penis in her mouth?" He contemplated this for a while, before replying "Jewellery... mummy gets jewellery."

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Little Johnny sees his mum in the bath...

He points between her legs and asks, "What is that, mummy?" His mum replies, "Johnny, that is where the crazy man hit me with an ax." Johnny replies, "Fucking good shot! He got you right in the cunt!"

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Whats for Dinner

A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."

The little girl screams to her Brother,

"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."

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A woman heavily pregnant with twins gets shot twice in the stomach...

The woman survives and so do the babies, she eventually gives birth to a boy and a girl.

many years later the girl came running up to her mum "Mummy mummy, I was having a wee and a bullet came out" the mum told her not to worry and explained what happened.
She then sees her son with his head in his hands crying his eyes out, she goes up to him and asks "let me guess you was having a wee and a bullet came out" he replies "No mum it's much worse than that, I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"

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Egyptian joke

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

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For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.

One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby kicking. Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!"

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Dad how are babies made?

Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mums tummy.
Daughter: Does mummy swallow the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes

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A blonde runs home from school....

A blonde runs home from school and screams "MUMMY MUMMY, WE DID THE ALPHABET TODAY, EVERYONE COULD ONLY GO UP TO D, AND I COULD GO TO G. 1,B,C,D,E,F,G. IS IT BECAUSE I'M BLONDE MUMMY? IS IT? IS IT?" Her mother says "Yes sweetie it is."

The next day, she runs home from school and screams "MUMMY MUMMY, WE DID NUMBERS AT SCHOOL, EVERYONE COULD ONLY GO TO 4 BUT I COULD GO TO 6. A,2,3,4,5,6. IS IT BECAUSE I'M BLONDE MUMMY? IS IT? IS IT?" Her mother says "Yes sweetie it is."

The next day, the blonde runs home from school and says "MUMMY MUMMY, IN PE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS HAD FLAT CHESTS BUT I HAD THESE." and then takes of her shirt, revealing a pair of 38C breasts. "IS IT BECAUSE I'M BLONDE MUMMY? IS IT? IS IT?" the blonde continues.

"No dear," says her mother, "it's because you're 25."

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I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

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A joke from my Aunt...

A man goes out hunting to find something for his children to for dinner. He manages to catch a deer and proceeds home.

As he walks in he was greeted by his children who asked what was for dinner. The man states "It's something Mummy calls Daddy sometimes", to which the youngest replies "Don't eat it, it's a fucking arsehole!"

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The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.

The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.

The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years.

The KGB team goes next. They hold the mummy for a week, and then come up with this: it was Pharaoh Ramenhotep the Second, born 1022 BC, became king after murdering his uncle, ruled for five years, on the third year of his reign the Nile flooded Luxor, on the fourth year the hittites attacked.

Everyone is perplexed: "How did you find all this out?"

"He confessed"

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A young girl comes home one day

And runs straight to her mum

"mummy look! A boy gave me $20 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"

The mum replied

"honey, he's just doing that so he can see your underwear. Don't fall for their tricks!"

The next day the girl comes home with $50

"mummy look! The same boy gave me $50 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"

The mum replied

"didn't i tell you not to! He's just doing that to see your underwear!"

The girl responded

"don't worry mum, i took my underwear off this time"

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"Mummy, can I lick the bowl?"

"No Samantha you can flush like everyone else does"

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A door to door salesman...

A door to door salesman was making his rounds. he stops at one house and knocks on the door. a little boy of about eight opens the door, cigarette in one hand, bottle of beer in the other. "oh," says the salesman, "little boy, is your mummy home?" the boy replies "well what the fuck do *YOU* think?"

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Archaeologists digging in Egypt discovered a Mummy covered in Chocolate and Nuts

Experts believe it to be a Pharaoh Roche

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A woman finds a lost boy in the shopping centre

A woman finds a lost boy in the shopping centre.

Woman: Where are your parents?

Boy: I don't know!

Woman: What is your mummy's name?

Boy: (looking confused) Mummy.

Woman: Ok, what does daddy call mummy?

Boy: You Fucking Whore.

(True Story BTW)

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Blonde School Girl

A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."

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How does a mummy attract a mate?

Pharaoh moans.

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BREAKING NEWS!

Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate & hazelnuts, and believe it to be Pharoah Rocher.

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A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."

Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagious a lot of people died." "Very good," says the teacher. "One more?"

Little Johnny then stands up and says "my next door neighbour recently started painting his house with a two-inch brush. My Daddy says it'll take the contagious."

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A blonde comes home from school and says

"Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my class can only count to 10 but I can count to 20. Is it because I'm blonde?"

Her mother replies:
"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the blonde comes home from school and says:
"Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my class can't recite the alphabet, but I can. Is it because I'm blonde?"

"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde"

The next day she comes home and says:
"Mummy, mummy, today we were getting changed for gym class and all the other girls had flat chests but I had these."

She points to her breasts.
"Is it because I'm blonde?

"No dear, it's because you're 25."

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Why did you go to Egypt for honeymoon?

To make the wife a mummy.

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A boy is at the zoo with his parents looking at an elephant NSFW

He looks at the elephant quizzically, turns to his mother and says "Mummy, I know that the long dangly thing at the front is his trunk, and the long dangly thing at the back is his tail, but what is that long dangly thing in between his legs?" Flustered the mother brushes off the question saying "Oh, that's nothing dear"

Not satisfied with the answer he approaches his father with the same question, his father replies "well that's his penis". The sons thinks about this for a second and says " Mummy said it was nothing" and the father replies "your mother is spoiled".

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Mummy, what's an 'orgasm' ?

I don't know. Ask your father.

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(Irish joke, sorry guys). A teacher is giving an English lesson on the word "Contagious"...

...She asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word being used. One eager child says "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious".
"Very good!" replied the teacher, "has anybody else got an example?".
"My mummy says my laugh is contagious", said another child.
"Great answer!", said the teacher, "How about you Paddy?" (apologies for the token Irish name).
"Well, our neighbour is painting his fence with a toothbrush", said Paddy, "Dad says it's going to take the contagious!"

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What are the most funny Mummy jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mummy? Well, here are the best Mummy dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mummy pick up lines to share with friends.

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