The Best 71 Mum Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Mum jokes. There are some mum grandad jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these mum mater puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Mum Jokes and Puns

I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

Your mum is so slow

It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke

Mummy, how was I born?

A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, Mummy, how was I born**?**

The mother smiled and replied:

Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth & I took care of it every single day.

After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.

So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom.

jokes about mum

My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

Daughter: What does gays mean?

Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way

Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er... read me the whole sentence

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"

Me: Oh

I just explained Google images to my mum...

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that." I replied.

I was tickling my brothers feet last night...

...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.

All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.

Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

I rang my brothers house....

...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.

"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?

"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."

"What about your Mum?" I said

"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.

"What are they doing?" I asked

"They're talking to the policemen" he replied, still in a very faint whisper.

"What are the policemen doing there?" I asked

"Looking for me" he whispered

You can explore mum daddy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mum aunty dad jokes. There are also mum puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"

The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards."

When I was a kid...

... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

My mum got really annoyed when I tried to tickle my little sister's feet...

she said something about 'waiting till she was born'.

My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.

It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.

Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!

Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."

"Dad, what does 'gays' mean?"

Me: You know how mum and dad love each
other? Well, two men can love each other the same
way.

Daughter: So what is 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er.. read me the whole sentence.

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."

Me: Oh.

So this guy lost his right foot in an accident

Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.

Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.

Horrified, she straight called her mom.

"Mum, you wouldn't believe it. He only got one foot!"

The mum then yelled back at her "Goddamnit child, be grateful! Your dad is only six inches!"

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.

​

Little Johnny stood up...

"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."

A little boy goes up to his pregnant mum, points at her fat belly and says, what's that?

She says… (a bit startled…) erm… that's a baby your daddy gave me that…

So the little boy walks off to find his dad with a confused look on his face…

daddy did you give mummy a baby ?

yeh I did son, that's right why do you ask…?

well don't give her another, she ate the last one!

Classic dad joke, but in bad taste

So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

A woman has twins...

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '

Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"

"I did Teacher"

"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"

"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."

"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"

"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

I went mad when I found out my mum used to have sex with animals before I was born...

I killed her with my bear hands.

What did Indian say to mum when he left?

Mumbai.

I remember when my mum would tuck me in.

She really wanted a daughter.

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No", they only want to look at your knickers."

Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

Me: I want to be a mirror cleaner when I grow up

Mum: why's that?

Me: It's something I can see myself doing

Mum: ...

My mum didn't think I'd give our daughter a silly name...

... but I called her Bluff.

-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor?

-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor?
-Yes, I am, mum!
-But he could be your father!
-Age does not matter, mum!
-That's not what I meant.

I asked my mum if I could lick the bowl when she was finished.

She replied "why can't you flush it like everyone else"

A boy asks his father: "Dad, why is the food so cold and bland?" The dad replies:

Your mum put her heart and soul into it.

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".

"Get in," I said to the prostitute.

"Hey," she smiled.

I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."

"Selling my body for money?" she asked.

I said, "No, sitting in a car with a murderer."

Little Johnny at it again...

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.

Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".

The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.

"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"

Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and kicking her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.

They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."

Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ?

Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!

A little girl asks her mum: Mummy, why do we never visit grandma?

Oh darling, you don't remember? She fell of the balcony…
And where is she now?
Well… she went to heaven
The little girl thinks about it for a moment…
Wow, that's a big bounce

It's just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.

I accidentally shouted out my sister's name last week…

My mum was not happy!

My Wife is always cutting herself shaving...

I guess her mum didn't razor right

I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.

After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.

You'll have to be really quiet, I whispered, My mum & dad are asleep.

I can see that, she said, Have you not got your own bed?

A student got home from school and his mum asked him how the test went.

He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was.
" They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.

"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked"! The boy replied.

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

**Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram**

**Son: Thanks dad**

**Dad: No problem Alan**

A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."

Mum, father hanged himself!

A little boy runs to his mum crying: "Mum, Mum", he screams, "Father hanged himself!"
"Where is he hanging?", his mum asks.
"In the attic!", the boy says.
So the mum and her son go to the attic but nobody's there.
"But he isn't there", says the mum in relief.
Then her son says: "April Fool! He's hanging in the basement!"

I tickled my little sister's foot this morning and my mum went crazy about it...

..something about waiting until she was born

When I was young, at bedtimes...

My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.

My mum told me to stop tickling my little brothers feet.

Apparently I should wait until he is born.

Mum when I was on the bus with Dad

Son: 'Mum when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A mother wakes her son in the morning

'Get up, son, you have to get to school!'

'But Mum, why do I have to go? I hate it!'

'Tell me two reasons why you think you shouldn't go.'

'Firstly: all the kids hate me. Secondly: the teachers hate me even more.'

'Hmph, excuses! C'mon, go get ready!'

'Tell me two reasons why you think I should go!'

'Firstly: you're 47. Secondly: you're the headmaster!'

A boy is in the shower with his mum.

The boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum?"
Mum replies, "That is my sponge."
"Oh yeah," says the boy, "The babysitters got one too, she likes to wash dad's face with it!

A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum

Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th August?

Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son.

Gender inequality.

There is an inequality when it comes to men and women. For example...

If a man sleeps with hundreds of women he is respected and labled as a stud or a player. Nothing bad is said about him and he goes on acting like the player he is.

However, if a woman that goes around sleeping with hundreds of men, she's your mum.

My mum said she didn't want me home later than 12.

So at 12:01 I opened the front door and went outside.

A mother cleaning her 12 year old's bedroom

A mum is cleaning her 12year old son's bedroom and finds a load of bondage gears and fetish magazines.

She asks her husband, "What do I do?"

He says, "I'm not sure, but whatever you do, don't spank him!"

I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes

I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year

A man in Ireland finds a boy crying on the sidewalk

He walks up to the boy and says "Poor laddy, what's the matter? Why are ya crying?"

Little boy says "It's me mum you see, she just passed and now I've got no one at home for me. I'm all alone."

The man comforts the boy who's mum had just died and offers to go fetch Father Monaghan from the church.

The little boy responds "No need to fetch him, sex won't help this any."

A little girl asks her mum

A little girl asks her mum "mummy, how was I born" Her mother smiled and replied "once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful tiny seed. Your daddy planted it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed germinated and grew tall with many leaves until it became a lovely healthy plant. Then we dried it and smoked it and got so high we forgot to use a condom"

My mum loses it when I tickle my baby brother's feet

It's something about waiting until he is born or whatever..

A teacher asks her class

to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...

He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins .

20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The kid looks up and says 'see, not so funny when it's your mum is it?'

When I was a child my mum always used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.

It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered....

Little Susie came home from school and told her mum the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels

"you should tell them No, they only want to see your knickers" said her mum

"I know that, that's why I hide them in my bag"

Your mum is so fat

Before she was buried the earth was a disc.

A blonde walks up to her blonde mom...

and asks,

"Mom, why does everyone think we are stupid?"

Her mum chuckles and says

"Bring me a pot"

A bit confused, the daughter goes and grabs a pot from the kitchen and hands it to her mom. Soon after the mother starts knocking on the pot.

The daughter turns to the door and says,

"Mom! Someone is at the door!"

The mom chuckles and says,

"See, this is why people think Blondes are stupid...
now hold this pot so I can go answer the door."

*Edit* Changed gender of daughter back, sorry tumblr.

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people every time they tell a lie...

Dad: what were you watching?

Son: Kung-Fu Panda

*\*robot slaps son\**

Son: Ok! It was an erotic movie.

Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age i didn't even know what an erotic movie was

*\*robot slaps dad\**

Mum: HAHAHA!!! He's your son after all

*\*robot slaps mum\**

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mum innocently puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working mum grandma piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes