Mum Jokes
155 mum jokes and hilarious mum puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mum that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your mum laugh on Mother's Day with these funny Mum Jokes! From jokes about granddads to kids and daddies, find the perfect joke to make your mum smile.
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Funniest Mum Short Jokes
Short mum jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mum humour may include short granddad jokes also.
- I asked my mum "How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed. - My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.
- Son: why is my sister called Teresa? Dad: Coz your mum loves easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan - My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
- I was washing the car with my son yesterday He kept shouting, 'Mum, stop! Why can't you use a sponge!' 😀
- I just explained Google images to my mum... "Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.
"Except that." I replied. - I was tickling my brothers feet last night... ...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.
- When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.
- My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed. It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.
- Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog! Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."
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Mum One Liners
Which mum one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mum? I can suggest the ones about mater and grandma.
- What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school Mum bai
- For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.
- Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch! Hermione: Emma Watson?
- What did Indian say to mum when he left? Mumbai.
- my mum just started a dating site for chickens She'd do anything to make hens meet
- My mum was upset when I put ginger in the pasta last night I guess she liked that cat
- Bought a new car and showed it to my mum. I said, "have a look at my karma"
- Why did the biscuit cry? His mum had been a wafer too long.
- What did the orphan kid say when he was riding his bike? Look hands, no mum..
- My mum just gave me control of the cutlery... It's a huge respoonsibility.
- "How far have you gone with a girl?" "I went to Canada with my mum once"
- My mum doesn't want me to die. She said it's because 'mistakes come back to haunt you'.
- Gandhi's Mum: How much do you Love me? Gandhi: From the bottom of Mahatma
- My mum told me "Never give up on your dreams" So I went to sleep
- My mum said I should eat more vegetables But the hospital banned me
My Mum Jokes
Here is a list of funny my mum jokes and even better my mum puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Me: I want to be a mirror cleaner when I grow up Mum: why's that?
Me: It's something I can see myself doing
Mum: ... - I asked my mum if I could lick the bowl when she was finished. She replied "why can't you flush it like everyone else"
- I once dated a girl from Tunisia Her dad was from Trinidad and Tobago and her mum was from Morocco. Broke up with her in the end though. Too many red flags
- Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ? Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!
- When I was young, at bedtimes... My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
- All these video games with epic orchestral music scores. Those concerned mums were right, there's way too much violins in video games.
- My mum said she didn't want me home later than 12. So at 12:01 I opened the front door and went outside.
- I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
- Teacher: What are your parents' names? Boy: My dad's name is laughing and my mum's name is smiling.
Teacher: You must be kidding!
Boy: Nope, I am joking. - I handle important transactions for a large multinational company ... ... is what a tell my Mum instead of saying I work at McDonald's.
Keeping Mum Jokes
Here is a list of funny keeping mum jokes and even better keeping mum puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch.... So I say to her, look Mum, my house, my prices!
- My mum keeps asking if I have a girlfriend... Give it a rest mum...it's never going to happen between us
- My mum doesn't work in IT. So I don't get why she looks at me and keeps repeating "I wish there was an undo button."
- When a friend asks you to keep her pregnancy on down low, you say Mum's the word
- Q: Does your mum like shopping on the Internet?
A: No, the trolley keeps rolling off the top of the computer. - Mum, I don't want to go to australia Shut up and keep swimming.
Cheerful Mum Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about mum you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean auntie jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mum pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mummy, how was I born?
A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, Mummy, how was I born**?**
The mother smiled and replied:
Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth & I took care of it every single day.
After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a c**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Daughter: What does g**... mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating g**...'?
Me: Er... read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh
The phone bill was exceptionally high...
.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.
Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.
Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??
I rang my brothers house....
...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.
"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?
"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."
"What about your Mum?" I said
"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.
"What are they doing?" I asked
"They're talking to the policemen" he replied, still in a very faint whisper.
"What are the policemen doing there?" I asked
"Looking for me" he whispered
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"
She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.
He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black b**...."
My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."
"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"
Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up...
"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."
A little boy goes up to his pregnant mum, points at her fat belly and says, what's that?
She says… (a bit startled…) erm… that's a baby your daddy gave me that…
So the little boy walks off to find his dad with a confused look on his face…
daddy did you give mummy a baby ?
yeh I did son, that's right why do you ask…?
well don't give her another, she ate the last one!
Classic dad joke, but in bad taste
So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(
Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...
"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"
"I did Teacher"
"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"
"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."
"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"
"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went mad when I found out my mum used to have s**... with animals before I was born...
I killed her with my bear hands.
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No", they only want to look at your knickers."
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor?
-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor?
-Yes, I am, mum!
-But he could be your father!
-Age does not matter, mum!
-That's not what I meant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.
I replied with: "Don't worry, s**... would be the last thing I'd do."
My dad just called a family meeting.
Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.
"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.
"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Get in," I said to the p**....
"Hey," she smiled.
I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."
"Selling my body for money?" she asked.
I said, "No, sitting in a car with a m**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
A little girl asks her mum: Mummy, why do we never visit grandma?
Oh darling, you don't remember? She fell of the balcony…
And where is she now?
Well… she went to heaven
The little girl thinks about it for a moment…
Wow, that's a big bounce
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during s**....
I accidentally shouted out my sister's name last week…
My mum was not happy!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Wife is always cutting herself shaving...
I guess her mum didn't razor right
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took a girl back to my house for s**... last night.
After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.
You'll have to be really quiet, I whispered, My mum & dad are asleep.
I can see that, she said, Have you not got your own bed?
A student got home from school and his mum asked him how the test went.
He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was.
" They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.
"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked"! The boy replied.
A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...
and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."
Mum when I was on the bus with Dad
Son: 'Mum when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother wakes her son in the morning
'Get up, son, you have to get to school!'
'But Mum, why do I have to go? I hate it!'
'Tell me two reasons why you think you shouldn't go.'
'Firstly: all the kids hate me. Secondly: the teachers hate me even more.'
'Hmph, excuses! C'mon, go get ready!'
'Tell me two reasons why you think I should go!'
'Firstly: you're 47. Secondly: you're the headmaster!'
A boy is in the shower with his mum.
The boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum?"
Mum replies, "That is my sponge."
"Oh yeah," says the boy, "The babysitters got one too, she likes to wash dad's face with it!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother cleaning her 12 year old's bedroom
A mum is cleaning her 12year old son's bedroom and finds a load of b**... gears and f**... magazines.
She asks her husband, "What do I do?"
He says, "I'm not sure, but whatever you do, don't s**... him!"
A teacher asks her class
to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
Little Susie came home from school and told her mum the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels
"you should tell them No, they only want to see your knickers" said her mum
"I know that, that's why I hide them in my bag"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde walks up to her blonde mom...
and asks,
"Mom, why does everyone think we are s**...?"
Her mum chuckles and says
"Bring me a p**..."
A bit confused, the daughter goes and grabs a p**... from the kitchen and hands it to her mom. Soon after the mother starts knocking on the p**....
The daughter turns to the door and says,
"Mom! Someone is at the door!"
The mom chuckles and says,
"See, this is why people think Blondes are s**......
now hold this p**... so I can go answer the door."
*Edit* Changed gender of daughter back, sorry tumblr.
The teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.
Jenny pipes up instantly; "My mum has the flu, I think it's contagious!".
"Excellent work!", the teacher responds. "Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?"
Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.
"M' Pa made me lunch t'day, but it took the contagious!".
Greatest situational joke I've ever told...
A girl I know was talking about how her white mum was an Indian chef, which my other friend couldn't quite grasp and said "How can your mum be an Indian chef if she's not Indian?"
I replied "You can be a pizza chef and not be a pizza".
Had a couple people in tears saying that so I thought I'd share it, might have been a 'you-had-to-be-there' moment.
Britons vs. Americans
Americans:
It's Mom not Mum
It's Chips not Crisps
It's Fries not Chips
It's Color not Colour
It's Soccer not Football
It's Football not Rugby
Britons:
It's School not Shooting Range.
Rupert Grint bursts into the room, "Mum, I just got a part in the Harry Potter movie!"
"Serious?"
"No, Ron."
My mum has a photo of me in her wallet and not of my siblings
She said whenever she face an obstacle, she looks at my photo and her problem disappears.
I really felt touched until she said she tells her self: "what other problem can be bigger than this one?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the worst part about being an egg?
You only get laid once and it's by your mum.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mum showed my girlfriend my baby photos.
"You haven't changed at all," said my girlfriend.
"Alright mum," I said, "that's enough of the n**... ones."
Russian POW calls home: 'Mum, I've been captured'.
Mum: 'Where are you?'
POW: 'Ukraine.'
Mum: 'Can you get us a Big Mac?'
I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks.
Dad loved her, but mum said she could've done with another hour on a low heat.
A boy caught his dad red handed having an affair with the maid.
The dad told the son, take this $10 and don't tell your mum please!"
The son answered, but dad this is not fair!! Mum gave me $50 when I caught her with the security Man.
When I was around 5, I asked mum why people were different colors...
She said because god wanted different flavors.
And that was the wrong thing to say, Because For the next 3 years, I thought god ate people after they died...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As I unwrapped the c**... I thought to myself...
"This is a really weird birthday present, mum."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My brothers cat
I was looking after my brothers cat when he called me to see how she was.
Me: She's dead.
Brother: o**..., you don't break bad news like that!
Me: How, then?
Brother: You say that you're afraid you have bad news. Your cat escaped outside, and chased a possum up onto the roof. Unfortunately, the cat fell, and while you did everything you could, the cat couldn't be saved.
Me: I understand, my apologies.
Brother: Anyway, hows Mum doing?
Me: Well, she was up on the roof, chasing a possum...
When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...
You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Young boy comes home from school early from school, his mother asks him why he's home early...
Boy: 'the headmaster expelled me from school for using the C word in class!'
Mum: 'That wasn't clever was it'
Boy: 'No, it was c**...'
Sorry if repostage :/
I dint know what to buy for my dad as his birthday present, so I gave him 100 dollars and told him to buy something that will make his life easier
He bought something for my mum.
Karen
My mum usually complains about everything but lately she's gotten bored of it. I guess you could say that she's past the point of Karen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
PornHub now requires all visitors to watch at least 5 minutes of dwarf m**... content before accessing other videos.
That's the bare mini mum.
A mum, dad and their son walk into a pub.
After a few drinks, the dad jumps up onto a table and starts reciting quotes from Shakespeare to his wife. The wife joins in, and responds with, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Then they dramatically kiss, as the whole pub stops and watches.
The son lifts his face from his palms and says, "Please... mum, dad... you're making a scene".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[nsfw] I just bumped into your mum and she was counting some money...
... I asked her what the money was for. She said she had just finished w**... for the night and made $80.05. I asked "5 cents!? Who pays 5c!?" and she said "all of them".
My mum is a midwife and she always messes up jokes...
Which is strange, because I thought midwives were great at delivery.
My mum always told me she didn't have a favourite child.
Bit sad really. I'm an only child
My dads a women's rights activist.
Your dad? Not your mum?
No, dad wouldn't allow that.
*Courtesy of u/hihellow*
Maths lesson
Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."
"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"
"Dunno. We haven't done bananas yet."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I grew up in a small town that only had one general store, one bar and one p**....
Mum found it pretty hard working three jobs.
