mum Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious mum puns

I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

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"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

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Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?

When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.


Dancing, she replied.


The first school dance I went to, I got fucking expelled.

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My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

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My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'here comes the train', and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks

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My mother called me a son of a bitch...

So I hit her, because no one can call my mom a bitch.
Then I hit myself, because no one can hit my mum.
Then she hit me, because no one can hit her son.
And then she hit herself, because NO ONE can hit her son.
Then I hit her. because no one can hit my mum.
I hope we'll solve this when father gets home...

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My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

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Daughter: What does gays mean?

Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way

Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er... read me the whole sentence

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"

Me: Oh

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I just explained Google images to my mum...

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that." I replied.

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I was tickling my brothers feet last night...

...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.

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For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

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A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"

The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards."

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When I was a kid...

... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

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When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, "Just use a fucking spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

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My mum got really annoyed when I tried to tickle my little sister's feet...

she said something about 'waiting till she was born'.

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A 3-year-old is watching his mum get changed...

As she drops her knickers, he points at her crotch and asks: "Mum, what is that?!"

Panicking, the mother quips "Oh, that's... that's where god hit me with an axe..."

"Phwoar" Says the boy... "Right in the cunt!"

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My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

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My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.

It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.

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Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!

Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."

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My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

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Classic dad joke, but in bad taste

So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

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When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

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A woman has twins...

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '

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Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"

"I did Teacher"

"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"

"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."

"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"

"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"

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Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

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I sat my son down for the sex talk.

I said, "Son, what are you supposed to do before you have sex?"

He said, "Trim your pubes."

I said, "No. Something else."

He said, "Clean your penis?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Jesus...no wonder mum never has sex with you."

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I went mad when I found out my mum used to have sex with animals before I was born...

I killed her with my bear hands.

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What did Indian say to mum when he left?

Mumbai.

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's good cos he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!'

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I remember when my mum would tuck me in.

She really wanted a daughter.

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My old Mum used to say, "Always give your food a good rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.

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Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram

Son: Thanks dad

Dad: No problem Alanο»Ώ

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My mum didn't think I'd give our daughter a silly name...

... but I called her Bluff.

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-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor?

-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor?
-Yes, I am, mum!
-But he could be your father!
-Age does not matter, mum!
-That's not what I meant.

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I asked my mum if I could lick the bowl when she was finished.

She replied "why can't you flush it like everyone else"

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What are the most funny Mum jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mum? Well, here are the best Mum dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mum pick up lines to share with friends.

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