Mph Jokes
103 mph jokes and hilarious mph puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mph that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Mph Short Jokes
Short mph jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mph humour may include short lbs jokes also.
- Who is going to win tonight's presidential election? The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.
- I got pulled over today for going 112 mph in a 55 mph zone. The police officer said "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."
I promptly replied "Well I got here as fast as I could!" - A cop pulled me over..... and said I was doing 70 in a 50 mph zone. I explained I was only trying to keep a safe distance from the car behind.
- Congratulations to the obvious winner of last night's debate... The voyager space probe hurtling away from our solar system at over 35k mph!
- My uncle once got his DeLorean up to 88 mph, and ended up 30 years in the future. That's how long he got for hitting all those people at the bus stop.
- What's the difference between a blind pedestrian and a speed bump? I've never run over a speed bump at 70 mph.
- A cop stops an electron for speeding. He says "Did you know you were going 100 mph?"
"Great", says the electron, "now I'm lost!" - My ex wife dented the hood of my car. To be honest, was partly my fault. I *was* driving 55 mph in a 25 mph zone.
- My wife decided to open the car door for me today. It would've been a nice gesture had we not been going 70 mph.
- Last night I was driving down an old country road when I hit a pedestrian going 50 mph. It seemed to take forever for help to arrive. That's the last time I use that towing company.
Share These Mph Jokes With Friends
Mph One Liners
Which mph one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mph? I can suggest the ones about slower and speeder.
- A hearse passed me on the highway going over 100 mph... Some body was in a rush.
- How fast can a woman drive? 68 mph, because at 69 they flip over and blow a rod
- What is the only car that can go 40 mph in reverse? A rental
- The best thing about the 80 mph speed limit in Idaho? Makes it so much easier to leave
- What is green and races out of your nose at 200 MPH? A Lambooghini!
- How did Hellen Keller break her arms? Reading road signs at 70 mph.
- I heard about a guy caught speeding in California He was going 88 mph in a Delorean
- They call me the asymptote I always drive 1 mph under the limit
- My car tops out at 68 Mph... Because at 69 it blows a rod.
- Which car goes 100 mph down the unpaved road? Rent a car
- How fast can a women drive? 68 mph.
If she hits 69, she flips over and blows a rod. - From a jumping position a person can achieve 0-60mph in 2.27 seconds. Once.
- Why can't women drive 70 MPH? When they reach 69 they blow a rod.
- How does keemstar hit on women? At 70 mph.
- got my 1985 Hyundai Pony to 132 mph... once.
Mph Winds Jokes
Here is a list of funny mph winds jokes and even better mph winds puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Q: If an electric train is traveling north-by-northeast at 59 MPH, and the wind is blowing west at 18 MPH, which way is the smoke blowing? A: There is no smoke; it's an electric train.
88 Mph Jokes
Here is a list of funny 88 mph jokes and even better 88 mph puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Whenever I reach 88 mph in my car, I always make a Back to the Future time traveling sound effect inside my head... ...and that's usually followed by a police siren sound effect outside my car.
- If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 mph... ...you're going to get a speeding ticket.
- Why did the no-nonsense scatologist who was pulled over for speeding have an infant in the car? Doc Brown told him "When this baby hits 88 MPH..."
35 Mph Jokes
Here is a list of funny 35 mph jokes and even better 35 mph puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm already going 75 mph in a 35 zone, stop tailgating me! Also the blinking lights on top of your car looks s**...
Cheerful Mph Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about mph you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean siren jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mph pranks.
Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.
The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"
Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."
The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"
Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"
Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone
It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.
She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"
Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"
Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.
He asks the driver whats wrong.
Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"
The best jokes also teach you something.
In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.
The police vs the senior citizen
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
Excuse for speeding
This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day.
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over.
The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."
The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.
An electron is driving down the highway...
...and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says, Sir, do you realize that you were traveling at 670,616,629 MPH?
The electron replies, Oh great, now I'm lost.
Hans the Norwegian
Hans was arrested for speeding... driving 66 miles an hour in a 50 mph zone. However, he explained to the officer,
"I saw a big sign vit 66 on it."
"That's Highway 66," the officer said disgustedly.
"Goodness sakes," replied Hans, "you should have seen me yesterday on highway 110!"
My friend told this to me the other day, so I apologize if this is a repost or anything like that.
A man is pulled over for speeding.
Police Officer: Sir, were you aware you were going 68 MPH on a 45?
Man: No sir.
Officer: Well, you were, and that's far too high. You'll have to be in court.
Man: Well, can you at least raise the number a bit so we can get the judge to say it?
Officer: I guess I can.
\*In the courtroom
Judge: How were you going 420 on a 45?!?
It's 3 in the morning and an elderly Jewish man is flying down the highway at 105 mph. A state trooper pulls him over.
"Where in the h**... are you racing to at this hour?"
"To a lecture, officer."
"Who gives a lecture at 3 a.m.?"
"My wife."
You know the scene, balding dude in a convertible with a h**....
She peels off her top and says "Faster you go, the more i take off!"
She's down to her socks and he's doing 120 mph when they c**.... Dazed and confused she finds the driver pinned in the car and goes for help, but all she can find to cover her bits is his shoe.
Stumbling out into the highway she manages to pull someone over "Help, my friend is stuck!" She screams. The guy looks down at the shoe and says "Ma'am, he's too far in for me to help"
A highway patrolman pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.
"Ma'am," he tells her, "I clocked you doing 72 MPH. The speed limit on this road is 55."
"But, Officer, the sign back there said it was 75!"
"No, Ma'am, that wasn't a speed limit sign, that was the route sign. You're on State Highway 75. I'm sorry for your confusion, but I still have to write you a ticket."
"Oh, that's okay, Sonny; I understand. I'm just glad I didn't run across you back there on Route 135."
The big race
It was the day of the big race. Usain Bolt was going to run against a cheetah, the world's fastest animal, capable of reaching speeds of up to 70 mph!
People knew Usain didn't stand a chance, but watched anyway. At last, they were off, and in a matter of seconds the race was over - amazingly, Usain Bolt came out victorious!!!
Because...cheetah's never win.
Speeding Ticket
A cop was waiting in a speed trap on the interstate when a guy in a sport car came racing by him at over a 100 mph. The cop immediately pulls out behind the speedster and turns on his lights. The guy pulls over and the cop walks over to the window. The cop looks at the guy smiling and says I've been waiting for someone like you all day. The guy responses well I came as fast as I could.
A man gets pulled over right as he's exiting the freeway.
As he rolls down his window, the cop asks him, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?!"
The man replies, "Well I sure as h**... know that I was within the d**... speed limit!"
The cop says, "No sure, that's incorrect. You're meant to exit this freeway at 35 mph, and I clocked you doing over 100."
"That's b**...!" spat the man. "I ain't dumb. I can read. That sign right over there said exit 125!"
A cop pulled me over on the freeway.
He said "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over today?"
I said "No sir."
He told me "I clocked you in at 80 mph in a 65."
I tried to reason with him, saying "well officer, you see, I was just trying to keep up with traffic."
He looked at me puzzled and retorted "there's nobody else on this road for miles..."
"but that's how far behind I am."
The speed limit of s**... is 68 mph.
At 69 you flip over and blow a rod.
California Roll
A man driving approaches a stop sign and slows down to a cool 5 mph, rolls smoothly across the crosswalk, looks both ways, and glides forward when he sees the coast is clear.
Unbeknownst to him, a cop sees this and pulls him over on the next block.
The cop pulls the guy out of the car and starts beating him.
The guy starts yelling "Stop! STOP!! What are you doing?! Stop!!!"
"Oh I'm sorry, did you want me to stop or slow down?"
Buying a bike
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Whose bike is out front with a 'for sale' sign on it?" the guy asks the bartender. "It's mine," the bartender says. "Are you interested?" "What's the lowest you'll go on it?" the guy asks. "About 2 mph," the bartender replies. "Anything lower and you'll probably fall over."
A scientist gets pulled over.
The policeman says Sir, you ran a red light. The scientist said I could've sworn it was green. The policeman says Understandable. And gives the scientist a 111,075,071 mph speeding ticket.
I saw a uhaul going 90 mph
I bet they were hauling a**...!
What is the fastest speed you can have s**...?
68 Mph, because once you hit 69...someone blows a rod
A guy is pulled over at 2:00 a.m. for driving 93 MPH....
Cop - hey buddy, where are you rushing at this late hour?
Guy - to a lecture.
Cop - a lecture?!?!? Who gives lectures at 2:00 a.m???
Guy - **my wife!**
Bad news: I got caught going 28 mph in a school zone.
Good news: statutory r**... won't affect my license points.
A cop car pulls over Heisenberg as he's driving on the highway...
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going sir?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am.
Officer: Well, you were going EXACTLY 100 mph.
Heisenberg: Great! Now I'm lost!
Shout-out to my physics professor for making the Heisenberg uncertainty principle less boring today.
A rookie cop is sent to monitor a speed trap for hours...
Finally near the end of his shift a car blows by at 80 mph. He pulls over a teenager and tells him, "I waited all day for you to get here."
The teenager replies: "I got here as fast as I could."
A guy walks into a car.
Okay, so he wasn't so much walking as he was running at about 45 mph directly into my car. He was drinking heavily and was on his phone. It was totally his fault officer.
R stands for Racing
that's exactly what I thought too before shifting the gear on my car to R at 120 mph
An elderly woman is driving 17 mph on a highway
A cop pulls her over and says Ma'am, you should know driving too slow is as much of a risk as driving too fast.
The woman pointed to a sign and said But Officer, I was going exactly the speed limit!
The officer says That's the route number. You're on US-17. He notices another elderly woman passed out in the backseat. Who is your passenger and why is she passed out?
The woman says Oh dear, we just got off State Route 112!
Two Amish women are walking down the street.
Two Amish woman are walking down the street when they come across a momma skunk and a baby skunk. A h**... comes driving by at 60 mph and runs over the momma skunk and kills it. The first Amish girl says oh my we can't let that baby skunk by itself. So she picks it up and puts it under her dress to safely take it home. The second Amish girl says what about the smell. First one responds I don't think it will mind
A Faster Taxi
The taxi was traveling at over 90 mph through the middle of the town when the male passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder.
Heh, what's all the rushing for? Slow down a bit.
Sorry, mate, I thought I heard someone shout 'faster, faster', , said the taxi driver.
Well, you heard right, but she wasn't talking to you! came the reply.
Cop joke
If you are driving 70 mph on a 65 speed limit highway a cop will rarely ever pull you over.
If you are driving 75 mph on the same highway a cop might pull you over.
If you are driving 80 mph on the same highway a cop will pull you over.
Now if you are driving 85 mph or higher on the same highway you are probably a cop.
What Shaggy be eating
If Shaggy and s**... always run side by side, and a Great Dane's speed is about 40 mph, then would Shaggy be the fastest human alive, beating Usain Bolt's 27 mph?
I was in a high-speed car c**... today.
Luckily I work for the FCC so I was going 5 mph on impact.
Q: What goes at 100 mph and makes a "s**...," "s**...," "s**..." sound?
A: A dead baby tied to a truck.
A fancy sports car gets pulled over by a cop
-You've exceeded the speed limit by driving 75 mph!
-Officer, here, take these 300 bucks and buy yourself a decent radar. I never drive slower than 100 mph!
There's two trains in Seattle...one leaves at dusk and one leaves at dawn...if they're both going 100 MPH...
Which train do I run on your mom?
Driving in the middle
A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you're going so fast down the middle of the road?
Oh, it's okay, Officer, she replied. I have a special license that allows me to drive like that.
Oh, yeah? Let's see it. The cop looked at the license and then concluded, Ma'am, there's nothing special about this. It's just a temporary license.
Look at the very bottom, though, the woman insisted. See? It says "Tear along the dotted line.'
A nun gets pulled over by a cop on the freeway.
The police asks the nun "Do you know at what speed you were going at ma'am?"
"Yes, i was going at 35 mph"
The cop replies "You are supposed to be at 60 mph at least"
"Isn't this route 35? I was going at the correct speed officer."
The cop chuckles and says "No, thats just the route number but the speed on all the freeways are at least 60mph"
The nun with a scared face says "Well you better go to route 170 since one of my sisters goes through there."
A mathematician was stopped in San Francisco by a cop for speeding.
The cop says, Ma'am, you were going 25. But the speed limit in a dense neighborhood is 15 mph in California.
I'm sorry, Officer, she says, but you're wrong. This isn't a dense neighborhood.
He looks around at the three-story Victorians crammed against each other and laughs. It isn't? Well, then, what's your definition of a dense neighborhood?
She smiles kindly at him and says, Between every two houses is another house.
An officer pulls over a car with 5 elder women on the freeway.
Approaching the car he notices the women in the back of the car are pale white and wide eyed.
The women was visibly confused about being pulled over and asked, Why was I pulled over I was going exactly 22 mph?
The officer tells her she wasn't speeding but she was going a lot slower than the speed limit.
She responds I was going the exact speed limit 22 MPH.
He laughs and says the that was the route number and not the speed limit.
The women smiled out of embarrassment and thanked the officer.
Just before the officer walked off he asked if everyone is ok in the car.
The women responds, They will be in a minute. We just got off route 119.
The fastest cab service in New York!
A man took a ny cab at night and the cab driver was speeding at exactly 100 mph and would not stop at red lights. Alarmed he asked the driver why and the driver said that it was a family business where they guaranteed the fastest service.
Oh ok..
So the man was shocked when at a green light the cab driver furiously slammed in his brakes!!!
Why would you stop so dangerously at a green light??? Asked the man.
Oh sorry man, I told you it was a family business. You never know when one of my brothers might be coming through.
Burt and Marcus
Burt's worked on the railroad for several years as a laborer but all the constant layoffs have got him looking into moving up in the business and he applies for a job working on the actual train. He gets called in for an interview and it's going ok when they get to the final question. The interviewer says "Burt, you are on Train A and it's traveling west at 75 mph but on the same track is Train B traveling east at 85 mph. There is no way for Train A to stop or slow down. What would you do?" Burt hems and haws for a few minutes and then tells the interviewer "Well, I reckon I'd call my brother Marcus."
"Call your brother? Why"
"Well, Marcus ain't never seen no big train wreck before."
Half as mad
A teacher from primary school asks Peter a question,
Teacher: "Peter; suppose that a car is moving at a speed of 100 mph suddenly brakes and the driver flies out through the windshield at a certain force and lands on the road. What would be my age?"
Peter thought for a moment and replied,
Peter: " Sir, you would be 40 years old."
The teacher; perplexed looked at Peter and asked how could he guess his exact age.
Peter: "Sir, I have an older sister aged 20 and she is half as mad as you."
My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago..
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
A man driving down a county road one day
Sees a 3 legged chicken running next to him.
He thinks to himself "I'm doing 25 mph and this chicken is keeping up!, crazy!!"
He speeds up to 50 mph and still the chicken is keeping up with him.
Up to 60 mph! The chicken is keeping up!
The chicken breaks into a sprint, gets way
ahead of him but he sees him take a hard left turn into a long drive way.
Dude turns into the country drive and an old woman is standing outside...
"I just saw a 3 legged chicken running 60mph!, he turned and came in here."
"Oh yeah, that's one of ours?!...we breed em that way, we love chicken legs"
"How do they taste?"
"I don't know, we ain't never caught one!"
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding...
.....but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "Last year my wife ran away with a cop. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
I'm currently going at 100 MPH
(100 Mistakes Per Hour)
The old Man and the State Trooper
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
A married couple is driving...
down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 mph.
"I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
70 mph.
"I want the house as well."
75 mph.
"I want the kids."
80 mph.
"And I want the bank account and all the credit cards."
85 mph.
"You're taking this incredibly calmly," she said. "Isn't there anything you want?"
"I've got all I need."
"What's that?"
"The airbag."
Why cant a gay driver go over 68 mph?
Because at 69 he'll blow a rod
Two Ditzy blondes...
A ditzy blonde is driving 80 mph down the highway, 20 miles over the speed limit. A ditzy blonde police officer pulls her over. The police officer asks to see her license, but the ditzy blonde driver has no idea what a license is. The officer tells her it is an identification card with her picture on it. The driver rummages in her purse and pulls out her makeup mirror, opens it up, sees herself in the mirror, and hands it to the police officer.
The police officer looks at the mirror and says, "Oh! You should have told me you were a police officer as well!"
A cop pulls over three elderly woman..
The cop says "M'am, do you realize you were going 15 mph in a 55?"
Old lady driver: " Ooo I must have been mistaken then, that sign over there says 15"
The cop laughs and says "M'am thats route 15; you're on route 15 right now"
Old lady driver: "I am so embarassed! Please forgive me"
The cop: "Well everything seems okay here, just make sure to keep it at the speed limit. I do have one question for you though. Your friend in the back seat seems to be a bit pale and anxious, is everything okay?"
Old lady driver: "Oh yeah she'll be fine....we just got off of route 115"
Driving a brand new Bugatti
A senior citizen drove his brand new Bugatti to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him.
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 170, ...
Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding.
I'll let U go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good Night , Sir"
The Old Man & The Trooper
A senior citizen drove his brand new Lexus convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road and onto the highway, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the interstate pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Lexus, looked at the old man, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, it's Friday and my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused........ Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.
