Moving Jokes
184 moving jokes and hilarious moving puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about moving that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh away your moving blues with these hilarious jokes about moving! From moving day to relocating abroad, these jokes tackle topics such as moving companies, moving boxes, and saying goodbye. Whether you're looking to make light of a stressful relocation or just need some chuckle-worthy content to keep you entertained, you'll find jokes to fit the bill.
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Funniest Moving Short Jokes
Short moving jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The moving humour may include short move jokes also.
- Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849? Because there was gold up in them/their hills.
- Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves. Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.
- I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious. She asked me to move out with her.
- A kid came out as bisexual to his dad and the dad said they have to move "This apartment has a strict no-animal policy.", he says. "Wait until they find out I have a bison."
- Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
- King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did. Because the Queen could go any distance but the king can only move one space at a time.
- I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces.
- Today in church they asked what a Bishop does Apparently move diagonally wasn't the answer they were looking for.
- A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
- I was recently asked if I believed faith could move mountains. Apparently "No, but I've seen what it can do to buildings," is the wrong answer.
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Moving One Liners
Which moving one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with moving? I can suggest the ones about motion and transfer.
- Chess is banned under Islam They hate that the queen moves freely.
- I'm not sure faith can move mountains... But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers.
- What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon? An Apocaclipse.
- When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a house warming party Now I'm homeless
- If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd move U Cause you're blocking the TV
- What do you give to someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy
- I saw a cop pull over a U Haul today... Looks like he was trying to bust a move.
- I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent... It goes without saying
- If I ever move to Prague, I'll open a burrito shop. And call it Bohemian Wrap City.
- Our new IT guy moved here from Australia... He comes from a LAN down under.
- If Hillary wins, I'm moving to... Benghazi. At least I know there, she'll leave me alone
- Why is Donald Trump moving to Egypt? To live in a state of de Nile.
- An ugly, broke, single man stood in my way So I moved the mirror
- Simba was moving too slowly So i told him to Mufasa
- Why did the Siamese twins move to England? So the other one could drive!
Moving Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny moving day jokes and even better moving day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was at a wedding the other day It was so moving, even the cake was in tiers
- Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided... ...if I should move to Canada or New zealand.
- I watched my neighbor get evicted the other day... ...It was a moving experience.
- The other day I was organising snail races They were moving really slow. Then I thought if I remove their shells then they would go faster, but if anything they were more sluggish
- Melinda moved out of Bills mansion the other day... I hope someone remembered to update their drivers.
- I got into trouble at church the other day During his sermon, the priest asked, "What does a Bishop do?"
"Moves diagonally" was not the answer he wanted. - I've been trying unsuccessfully to move air around my apartment all day I gotta say, I'm not a fan
- My son was moving to a city in Arizona. On the day before he left he told me, "I love you, Dad." I love you Tucson.
- The day after his wife moved out, a man built a greenhouse in his garden Her last words before leaving had been "call me when you've grown a pear."
- My mom told me I wasn't a failure I appreciated the compliment so much I quit my job and moved in with her... a mother's day gift!
Her opinion changed greatly.
Moving House Jokes
Here is a list of funny moving house jokes and even better moving house puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why doesn't Melania Trump want her husband to become President? She doesn't want to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
- If Trump is elected president... He will be the first billionaire to move into government housing after a black man.
- Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog! Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks." - When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party. Now I'm homeless.
- My girlfriend told me to move out as i am no help around the house. So as i walked out i tightened the lids on all the jars in the kitchen.
- A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.
'Is it moving?' they asked.
'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.' - If Trump gets elected... ...it will be the first time in History that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.
- "Donald says he wants to run for President and move on into the White House... ...why not; it wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home" -Snoop Dogg
- Did you hear that Donald Trump's wife doesn't want him to run for president? She says she doesn't want to move into a smaller house.
- I just moved out of my parents house, and they gave me some of their kitchen supplies… They're always encouraging me to take whisks.
Moving Away Jokes
Here is a list of funny moving away jokes and even better moving away puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got cursed out by a flight attendant for asking to be moved away from a screaming baby Apparently they don't like that if it's your baby.
- A man accidentally sharted in church last week, everyone moved away from him. He had to sit on his own pew.
- Older lady in the bus snaps at a guy with a dog... Please get that thing away from me. I can feel flees on my legs.
Dog owner to dog: Rex move away, the lady has flees - I bought a pedometer and tested it with a quick walk around the neighborhood. I'm moving away as soon as possible.
- I moved to the south, people are different here. I moved to the south, people are different here.
I started a conversation with a midget, but had to walk away. He was a little racist. - Why did the fun guy tell everyone to get away from him? Because they weren't leaving him mushroom to move around.
- I installed a pedometer app on my phone But whichever direction I walk, I seem to be moving away from the kids.
- Did you hear about the village that moved away overnight? It was unsettling.
- The UK is leaving the EU and because of that, Scotland is moving for another Independence Referendum... So the english are going to get away scot free!
- We are a group of young mothers. One of our members, Tate, moved away. We lack Tate very much.
Moving In Together Jokes
Here is a list of funny moving in together jokes and even better moving in together puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- We were out having dinner when my girlfriend said We've been living together for three years now and you still haven't popped the question Good point, when are you moving out? I asked.
- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together And then move the rest of them to match the layout of a QWERTY keyboard too.
- Can you move my atoms closer together? You'd be doing me a real solid.
- Girlfriend moved out Before she left, she claimed I was too much into football.
And we were only together for 3 seasons! - Isis are planning their next move. They should start by putting their heads together.
- Growing up was hard for me because my family was constantly moving. We were all in a dance group together.
- What do you call it when a group of cookies get together and practice their dance moves? Oreography.
- How did they improve the transportation in Harlem? Moved the trees closer together.
- How do you improve public transportation in Ferguson, MI? Move the trees closer together.
- What do l**... do on their second date? Move in together
Moving Out Jokes
Here is a list of funny moving out jokes and even better moving out puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books. Which I get because I am an athlete that rarely moves.
- I never believed that faith could move mountains But I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers
- I told my wife we had a pest problem. But, apparently we have to wait until it's 18 years old to move out.
- I am thinking of moving to Switzerland, I hear the social benefits are really great. Their cool looking flag is a really big plus, too
- What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden? The average intelligence of both countries goes up.
- A Store Manager asked me to move a Kia that was blocking an exit... I told him, "I would, but that's not my Forte."
- I've been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend. Every time I tell her I can't see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"
- What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.
- Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts. The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.
- I phoned the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase."
Heartwarming Moving Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about moving you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drag jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make moving pranks.
A large group of Russian soldiers...
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."
I woke up hung-over to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn.
He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.
An indian and a white man are walking through the woods...
and the white man is trying to learn how to hunt game from the indian. So the indian is moving quickly and quietly through the dense forest and the white man is fumbling loudly behind him. Suddenly, the indian stops short and presses his cheek up against a large tree. He then exclaims,
*"Moose come."*
The white man is baffled by how the indian discovered this and says, *"How do you know that?"*
Indian: *"Cheek sticky."*
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Lawyers and Engineers
Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers' tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please!" The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.
The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers' bathroom, and says "Ticket please!"
An Odd f**......
A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.
Found 4 fox cubs
I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"
"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes the wife look like she's moving during s**....
Three Engineers
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.
The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!"
The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!"
The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground."
Some men are discussing the meaning of life...
Some men are sitting around discussing the meaning of life.
One turns and asks the others, "If tomorrow all your loved ones found themselves at a f**..., gathered around your casket, what would you want to hear them say?"
One starts off saying, "I hope they would say I was a good father and husband".
The next says "I want them to say I was not only successful, but a kind and generous man too".
"I'd want them to say", says the last man, "Hey look, he's moving!"
m**... in Paris
A Frenchman is walking in the Bois de Boulogne forest in Paris when he sees a n**... man having s**... with a woman in the bushes. He approaches, curious, but notices that she is deathly pale and not moving. Alarmed he rushes off to find a policeman.
"Monsieur! Monsieur!" he shouts, when he finds a gendarme. "I found a man r**... a dead woman in the bushes over there."
"Sacre bleu!" shouts the policeman, and rushes off to investigate.
But a few minutes later he returns, smiling wryly, and says, "Non, Monsieur, she is not dead. She is English."
Preacher goes to a party
A member of the church decided to call on his preacher to his house one Friday night. The preacher arrives to find a party in full swing.
On entering the house, he sees a circle of n**... men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their g**... in an attempt to guess their identity.
The embarrassed preacher turns to the host and says, "I'm sorry, I don't think I fit in here."
"Nonsense," says the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"
What is the biggest key when moving a piano up a flight of stairs?
Be sharp or Be flat.
I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore...
I'm moving the fridge to my room.
On his deathbed, a man is asked if he wants anything said at his f**....
"Oh look, he's moving."
A drunk walks out of a bar...(not sure if a repost. New to this sub)
He stumbles along the sidewalk and comes upon a nun walking toward him.
He sees her and his eyes grow big and he lurches at her and begins to wail on her.
He throws her to the ground and stomps and pummels her until she is no longer moving.
He gathers himself, stands up and dusts himself off.
As he turns to walk away, he says " not so tough tonight are you, Batman?"
A daughter is seemingly possessed by a d**......
Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plenty!"
You know you're an alcoholic when...
...your local liquor store is moving and they come to your house for boxes.
Lenin,Stalin and Gorbachev were riding on a train...
When it came to a halt,the engineer said,"Our engine has failed,What shall i do?"."Let the invincible spirit of the people pulls us on!" Lenin declared."Shoot the engineer!" offered Stalin.And Gorbachev suggested, "Close the shades and we can pretend we're moving forward."
Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...
The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."
After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"
Why do mathematicians have a hard time moving on in relationships?
Because they're always trying to find the x.
They don't know y, either.
What did the Oxen say to his son moving out?
Bison
Going to Vegas
A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."
Marriage, the real story
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."
s**... is like a snowstorm...
s**... is like a snowstorm: It's advertised a beautiful, in reality gets messy very quickly, and if you take 10" overnight you are *not* moving the next day.
Got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving the "Caution Wet Floor" sign to the Fifty Shades of Gray aisle.
I was having lunch with Boris, the Estonian IT guy....
He was telling me about the crazy night he had before moving to the US. He said
"I drank so much I go home with two Soviet prostitutes who live together with their fancy grey cat."
"Russian blue?"
"No but Ukrainian gave h**...!"
How will the Duggar's stay on TV and make money?
By moving the show to a "true crime" channel and calling it "18 Victims and Counting".
A man is walking through the woods...
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
I was walking through the woods and found a suitcase containing a fox and four cubs...
I immediately called the RSPCA and told the lady on the other end.
"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure," I said, "But I guess that would explain the suitcase."
I went to see a t**... ventriloquist last night.
She was amazing, I never saw her lips moving once.
A girl takes a black guy home.
At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.
Two men were lost in a desert...
Dehydrated and dying, the men see a mirage of hundreds and hundreds of tents up ahead. As they get closer, they realize it's not a mirage, but a huge market.
The men stagger into the marketplace, begging everyone around for water, but the first few tents sell only jelly.
Moving on into the market, the men beg and plead for water but the next tents only sell cake.
As the men move forward they're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of tents selling icecream only, with no water in sight.
The men finally exit the cluster of tents still dehydrated, and dying.
The first man turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or was that really odd?"
The other man replies, "Yeah. It WAS a trifle bazaar..."
What did the winner of the not moving contest get?
Atrophy
My wife just emailed me asking if we had any moving boxes
I told her no... All of our boxes are still. That's why we purchased them from a stationary store.
Overheard this in the train, not a joke per se, but I found it funny
>Two dudes were talking about moving to US so the first dude's child will have an American education.
Dude1: My wife and I were thinking that we should move to the US so our kid will have an American education?
Dude2: You dont want to do that.
Dude1: Why?
Dude2: You are telling me you want to send your child to a place where people cant tell the difference between a clock and a bomb?
How can you tell when Clinton is lying?
Her lips are moving.
Yeah, it's an old joke but then again, so is she.
To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada!
Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.
A blind rabbit and a blind slug
A blind rabbit and a blind slug are moving through the woods until the two of them bump into each other.
The slug reaches out, touches the rabbit, and says "You're soft and fluffy. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit reaches out, touches the slug, and says "You're cold and slimy. You must be a politician."
You all need to stop worrying about Trump becoming the next president...
There's no way he's moving into a smaller house in a black neighborhood!
ISIS takes Congress hostage
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
Two p**... in a moving truck...
...come to an overpass with a sign on it that reads "CLEARANCE-10' 6." The truck is 11 feet high.
The p**... in the passenger's seat looks carefully right, then left, then right again.
"I say we go for it. There ain't no cops around."
My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to c**... in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free...
This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.
Fidel Castro is dead
Looks like Keith Richards and the Queen of England are moving on to the finals.
My ex is having a really hard time moving on
From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did).
People keep asking me how I'm doing since moving to North Korea
Eh, can't complain.
I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road
"Are they moving?" asked the operator
"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"
My girlfriend and I were moving each others comic book collection and now we both have to see a chiropractor.
Because we both have back issues.
What do you call a moving nun?
A Roman Catholic
I was trying to think of all the benefits of moving to Switzerland...
I can definitely say that the flag is a big plus
My 10-month old
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, Straighten her up.
I looked at my daughter and said, What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up.
My wife hasn't asked me to do anything since.
Politics is like driving
No matter which lane you're in, anyone moving faster than you is a maniac and anyone going slower is a m**....
God is watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples
Why shouldnt you have s**... with your cousin in a moving elevator?
Because its wrong on every level
My friend's nanotechnology company is doing really well.
In fact, it's doing so well that he's considering moving to smaller premises.
I'm thinking of moving to Switzerland
No particular reason, but the flag's a big plus
I tried asking a Ouija Board for the name of my future wife.
The planchette kept moving from H to A and back. What kind of name is Hahaha?
I got into a fight with a moving staircase.
It just escalated so quickly!
Where y'all from?
Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together.
One of them's from Georgia, one of them's from Connecticut.
The girl from Connecticut's helping her mother put up curtains.
Girl from Georgia turns to them and says, "Hi. Where y'all from?"
Girl from Connecticut says, "We're from a place where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition."
The girl from Georgia says, "Oh, beg my pardon. Where y'all from...c**...?"
My dad told me this one.
He's a cable manager and often has to keep moving in his van/truck. One day he was driving in farm country and ran over a pig. He got out of the car to check on the pig and the pig was okay so he kept driving to his destination. When he got home, he got a call from a farmer.
"Hello?"
"I know you ran over ma pig"
"How did you know?"
"He squealed"
I was once driving down the road..
..where I read a sign which said,
Speed limit 30km
I slowed down to 30km/h
A little further, another one
Speed limit 20km
I had to slow down even more,
Moving on, I saw another one
Speed limit 10km
My speedometer had come down to 10km/h
Not long after that, there was another
Speed limit 1km
I pulled over and started pushing my car to a point where I finally saw the last sign,
Welcome to Speed Limit
In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.
As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"
Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.
What did the artist say to get his vehicle moving
Van Gogh
My girlfriend said I believe in you and it made me happy.
But then I realised she had just affected a culturally inappropriate Jamaican accent to break the news that she was moving out.
I recently visited China and was considering moving there...
...but there were just too many red flags.
I told my wife I saw someone fall under the bus today. She said, Oh my God, was it moving?
I said, A few people were crying, but I was fine.
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.
He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?
St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?
St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
What is a slow moving ice cream truck called?
A sundae driver.
Three old men are sitting on a porch relaxing...
The first old man complains about having trouble moving his bowels.
The second old ma complains about having trouble urinating.
The third old man says, every morning at 7am I relieve myself, then at 7:15 I take a huge dump.
The other two men look at him and say what's wrong with that?
The third old man says, I don't wake up until 7:30.
A man was out on a fishing trip
When suddenly, he dropped one of his oars into the water, frustrated that he couldn't get the boat moving, he decided to seek help.
He saw someone with two beautiful women on his boat who also had a spare oar. "Excuse me, may I borrow one of your oars?" he yelled.
The man appeared offended, "thems ain't 'ores, thems me sisters!"
Today my son was sent home from school for receiving a hand-job from a girl in his class for the third time this year. Each time this has happened he has been given a stern talking to from the principal and had to change schools.
Tired of constantly moving around, I said to him "Son if this keeps happening
they are going to ban you from teaching altogether."
An American is moving to Britain...
...So he decides to learn the british way of spelling things. So he spoke to a Brit he knew and he was told the following:
"So: Color turns into colour. Harbor turns into harbour. honor becomes honour. Starting to notice a pattern?"
So he writes an e-mail to his new boss:
"Good mourning sir....
Two good friends go golfing
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. o**... says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale.
"Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!"
The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"
My dad is moving to a Spanish city
Ciudad
