Moving House Jokes
132 moving house jokes and hilarious moving house puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about moving house that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Moving House Short Jokes
Short moving house jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The moving house humour may include short moving day jokes also.
- Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
- Why doesn't Melania Trump want her husband to become President? She doesn't want to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
- Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog! Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks." - My girlfriend told me to move out as i am no help around the house. So as i walked out i tightened the lids on all the jars in the kitchen.
- A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.
'Is it moving?' they asked.
'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.' - I just moved out of my parents house, and they gave me some of their kitchen supplies… They're always encouraging me to take whisks.
- You all need to stop worrying about Trump becoming the next president... There's no way he's moving into a smaller house in a black neighborhood!
- TIL you need an Act of Congress to move some pieces of furniture in the White House. Approving new Cabinet positions is such a drag.
- You know you're an alcoholic when... ...your local liquor store is moving and they come to your house for boxes.
- A girl asked her brother If he could help her move her stuff to her new house and he refused and she asked him why He said he couldn't be her brother and assister too
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Moving House One Liners
Which moving house one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with moving house? I can suggest the ones about moving company and packing and moving.
- When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a house warming party Now I'm homeless
- I've just moved into a six bedroom house with three acres of land. Don't tell the owners.
- Demi Lovato just moved house recently... ... she lives right overdose hills
- Why did the maid move to the coast? Her job required some light house work.
- Why did the sheep move house? The neighbours were baaastsrds.
- How do you get three college age children to move out of your house? Raise them better.
- I've just moved house right next to a cemetery.
- Did you hear about the band "the moving crew"? The house was packed
- I moved into a new house with two dishwashers! My girlfriend and the other one.
- Gambling actually brought my family closer We had to move into a smaller house.
- I'll clean my house when the last kid has moved out.
- Chuck Norris does not own a house.
He walks into random houses and people move. - How was the millennial finally able to move into their own house? Their parents died
- I've just moved to a quantum house. It's in a superposition.
Comedy Moving House Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about moving house you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean moving away jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make moving house pranks.
Well, I was just thinking about all the possible things that could make the new president comfortable in the White House. Putting graffiti on the walls of the White House that says, "Cheney was here," or changing the president's theme from "Hail to the Chief," to the Jeffersons' show's theme song, "We're moving on up."
A husband and wife are moving out of their house and are starting to box everything up. The husband finds a box under the bed, pulls it out, and looks inside, where he finds two eggs and about $8,000. He approaches the wife and asks, "What are the eggs for?" She replies, "Every time I cheat on you, I put an egg in the box." He says, "That's alright, you've only cheated on me twice. What's the money for?" The wife replies, "Every time I get a dozen, I sell them!"
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.
So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder.
"Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back."
"He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.
So I did."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My therapist told me a joke about two southern bells.
So two southern bells grow up in a small town in the south and when they finish high school, one moves up to the north for school and the other stays in the town and marries her high school sweet heart.
Years later, the first one comes back to town to visit her friend who happens to be quite the big shot now. The two meet at the train station and the rich woman says:
"Deeear, do you see that Cadillac?"
"Oh yes I do, it is a nice car."
"My husband bought me that car after the successful birth of our first male-born-son."
"How nice."
The two then go to the town square where they see a big statue.
"Deeear, do you see that statue?"
"Why yes, it looks an awful lot like yourself."
"Yes, my husband bought me that statue after the successful birth of our second male-born-son."
"How nice."
Finally, they arrive at the rich woman's house and see that it is a giant mansion with gardeners and everything.
"Deeear, do you see that mansion?"
"Why yes, it is very extravagant!"
"My husband bought me this mansion after the successful birth of our third male-born-son."
"How nice."
"Well what has your husband bought for you?"
"He put me through finishing school."
"Oh my, finishing school? Well what did you learn there?"
"I learned to say 'how nice' when I really mean '*f**... you*'."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living...
Jack answers, "my daddy's a scientist, and my mom is a nurse."
Suzie answers, "my mommy's an architect."
"And how about you, Johnny?" the teacher asks one student. Johnny looks up at her and says, "my dad works at a gay s**... club. Every night, he dances in a g-string for a bunch of men, and once in a while one of the men will pay him and he'll go to the man's house for the night." The teacher, shocked, hurriedly moves the class along to the next activity.
A little while later, she pulls Johnny aside while the rest of the students are working, and asks, "did you really mean that when you said your dad's a gay stripper?" Johnny looks up and says, "no, he's one of Mitt Romney's campaign managers, but that was too embarrassing to tell the whole class."
I've been trying to move the rug on my living room floor through telekinesis,
And I've been trying every night for eight years. For eight years that rug hasn't moved an inch, but now my house is gone.
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
There once was a man who made dead houses.
There once was a man who made dead houses; Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses; The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood; He built them as big, yet as fast as he could; For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk; one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock; It moved towards him, his insides began to soften; So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Preacher goes to a party
A member of the church decided to call on his preacher to his house one Friday night. The preacher arrives to find a party in full swing.
On entering the house, he sees a circle of n**... men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their g**... in an attempt to guess their identity.
The embarrassed preacher turns to the host and says, "I'm sorry, I don't think I fit in here."
"Nonsense," says the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy gets sick of the rat race and...
....moves to the country. After about six months, he gets a little lonely for company so he's happy when a nearby farmer comes over.
They're sitting on the porch having a couple beers when the farmer asks,
*"Would you like to come to a party at my house next friday?"*
Guy says, *"sure, sounds fun."*
Farmer says, *"But there'll probably be loud music."*
Guy says, *"Cool with me."*
Farmer says, *"And a lot of drinking, that's how it is."*
Guy looks at his beer and nods his head.
Farmer says, *"Gotta watch out, sometimes there's a little fightin'."*
Guy says *"I can handle my own. Sounds fun."*
Farmer says, *"And if you're lucky, might be a little s**....."*
Guy says *"Now I can't wait. Next friday? What should I wear?"*
Farmer says, *"Whatever. Just gonna be you and me."*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
Not what he was expecting....
A hot divorcee moved in next door to an elderly man who has been lonely for most of his life. A couple of weeks later, she stops at his house for a moment. "I'm ready", she says to him, and his package starts to rise-----he can't help himself! "I wanna blow off some steam, get drunk, and get laid! Can I ask you something before I do that?" The man replies, "Sure!" and is so hard, he can't think clearly. "Can you watch my kids?" the divorcee asks.
I recently moved into a New house...
The old owners left their bed behind.
I couldn't decide what to do with it so I slept on it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three young boys are walking home from school one day...
when they decide to stop and check out the new neighbors who moved in on their block. They walk over to the tall fence surrounding the yard and the first boy looks through a hole. He finds himself staring at a beautiful, n**..., sunbathing woman. He wildly gestures for the second boy to look, and then the third boy. However, when the third boy looks through the hole, after a few seconds he screams, and runs down the street towards his house. The other two boys look at each other in bewilderment and go home very confused.
The next day, the boys stop by the house in hopes of seeing the same woman, and again find her sunbathing n**.... Yet again, once the third boy looks through the hole he screams and runs down the street. The other two boys are still extremely confused as they walk home.
The following day, they stop by the house again, and lo and behold, the woman is out sunbathing n**... again. When the third boy gets his turn and screams, the other two grab him and prevent him from running off.
The first boy says "Look! Every time you take a look at that lady, you scream and take off! What is wrong with you?!"
The third boy turns and replies "Well...my mom always told me that if I ever looked at a woman n**..., I would turn to stone...and I felt a part of me getting reeeallly hard...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A stupidly wealthy business man builds a golden house.
On the day he moves in, he spends a few hours in the games room playing on his golden playstation 4.
Next he goes into the reading room and reads the golden newspaper.
After a while he feels restless, goes to the gym, and works out on the golden treadmill.
After 30 minutes on the treadmill he collapses from exhaustion, and says f**... me, that was hard work, I could do with a shower.'
Green side up.....
A newlywed couple is taking a tour of their potential first house with their realtor. The realtor shows them the first bedroom upstairs which is a kids bedroom. The realtor is going over the features when he suddenly walks over to the window, opens it up, and shouts "green side up!". The young couple just kinda look at each other and shrug their shoulders. They move on to the next room which is an office. Again, halfway though his description of the space, the realtor goes over to the window. He opens it and shouts, "green side up!". The couple again shrug their shoulders and they move on to the master bedroom. The realtor begins to describe the room and once again, opens the window and yells, "green side up!". This time the husband asks the realtor, "Why is it that every time we tour a new room you open the window and yell green side up?". The realtor replies, "Sorry about that, I have a crew of blonde women laying sod".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Selfless until the end.
For Pontius Pilate's birthday, the Roman soldiers lined the street to his house with Jews nailed to crosses. Walking slowly, Pilate was admiring the gesture, when he spotted Jesus on the last cross... he was was muttering something. Pilot exclaimed "fetch me a ladder! if the King of the Jews has something to say, I want to hear it!" Reaching the top of the ladder, Pilate moves in close to hear Jesus in a dry, half-audible voice, singing "Happy birthday to you..."
So, a travelling salesman walks up to a woman's house...
The woman is in a bad mood, but answers the door anyway. Seeing that the salesman has nothing of interest to her, she shuts the door. However, the door does not shut all the way and bounces back open. She thinks that the salesman was sticking his foot in the doorway to prevent her from closing the door. She was not in the mood for that and decides to slam the door on his foot to drive him off. The door bounces back open. Getting really frustrated, she grabs the door and prepares to give it a huge slam. Before she slams however, the salesman says, "Ma'am, before you do that, I would advise moving your cat."
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a drug addict?
A refrigerator starts in a box and moves into a house.
(This is not mine, but I don't know the source. Either way, I thought it should be shared.)
After 13 years of marriage, I finally came out of the closet to my wife...
Turns out that she remarried and moved out of the house years ago.
My house cleaner is getting really annoying and she keeps asking me to move out.
Now she says she wants a divorce.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two girls move into a dorm, one from Georgia and the other from Connecticut...
The girl from GA arrives to the dorm room and finds the CT girl with her parents hanging drapes. The GA girl says "Hi, y'all! Where y'all from?" The CT girl, in a snobbish northeast attitude replies, "We're from a place where we don't end sentences in prepositions." The GA smiles politely and responds, "Beg my pardon. Where y'all from...c**...?"
Props to House of Cards for this joke, although I'm sure it's been done before.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl takes a black guy home.
At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate moving house...
It means I have to go around telling all the neighbours I'm on the s**... offenders register again.
I'm not, but it sure keeps their kids out of the yard.
Why did the witch have to move out of her gingerbread house?
The property taxes were gastronomical.
I'm moving house and placed all my Dan Abnett and George R. R. Martin books at the bottom of the box.
Because the books are like their fans, used to enduring great weights.
My wife and I moved to a new house.
It's the only place I've lived where I can tolerate the neighbours.
It's next to a cemetery.
So Donald Trump wants to be president and move into the white house. Why not?
It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.
*credits to Snoop Dogg @ Donald Trump roast*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Go to Las Vegas
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, '**...!''
Who's your daddy?
A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee
It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked
"I have no job" he replied
"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"
"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended
"And how exactly will he do that then?"
"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity
"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"
"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"
"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"
"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
"What's up friend? You seem troubled"
"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancé"
"Oh man, bad news?"
"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump says he wants to move into the White House...
...why not?
Wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family from their house
Wife tells her husband that she has big news...
..."Pretty soon, there are going to be three of us in this house instead of two.
Her husband ran to her and hugged her and said "that is the greatest thing I could possible hear!"
The wife responded, I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.
Why Donald Trump might win the election but resign on the first day?
He finds out he has to move in to a small house in a black neighborhood!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Trump replaces Obama as president,
Then it will be the first time a white billionaire moves into government subsidized housing after a black family moved out.
Melania's speech writer is going to be out of a job soon
because she will be moving out of The White House in January.
As a burglar breaks into a house, he hears a voice say "Jesus can see you"
A burglar breaks into a house and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept. Then he hears a voice say, I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!
He freezes in his tracks! He doesn't move a muscle! A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!
He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on, and looks around the room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. Did you say that? he asks the parrot.
The parrot says again, I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!
Hah! So what? You're just a parrot! says the burglar.
I may be just a parrot, replies the parrot. But Jesus is a Doberman!
BREAKING NEWS: DONALD TRUMP DROPS OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!
He says he just realized he'd be moving into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was Trump excited to move into the Whitehouse?
Because he loves k**... black families out of government funded housing!
Cleaning Day
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies, "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
"Have you guys considered moving houses?" he asked.
I said, "No, we don't like caravans."
I didn't know the Disneyland had moved to the white house ...
Apparently the president is Donald and the vice is Mickey.
We used to live on a very busy main road.
But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move in to a house.
So I was helping a friend move house yesterday and I accidentally picked up his housemate's woofer....
Woops, wrong sub!
3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work
2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"
I bet you didn't know this, but gambling brought my family closer.
We had to move into a smaller house.
You can tell a lot about a person by their house
Peeking in through the windows
Recording their every move
Listening in with lasers
Yep, you can tell a lot about someone by their trash
Or behind a bush
They say a friend will help you move house but a good friend will help you move a body
I have two good friends
I'm moving in a few days and I asked my neighbor if he wanted my satellite
Told em it's on the house.
Why 6 was really afraid of 7
6 was just a normal girl, she met 7 on a dating app. They went out several times after that and a few dates later 7 proposed. 6 was ecstatic, they got married within the month and when they moved into a new house they quickly made friends with their neighbors, 9 and 10. 6 soon noticed strange behavior in 7, he was going out late at night to other people's houses. One night 6 saw 7 leave into the neighbors house. She decided to follow him in and was horrified. Blood stains led up to the darkened kitchen where she discovered some thing she could never unsee. 7 had done it. 7 8 9.
My realtor was really angry with me as I moved into my new house without paying it off in full
It looks like the bank forgot to Post Malone.
My cacophobic girlfriend just moved in with me today.
I had to get rid of all the mirrors in the house.
A family moves into their new house.
Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place. It's terrific, he says. I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't you hate it when you walk in on your roommates having s**...?
Every time it happens I tell myself I really have to move out of my parents house.
My friend just moved into a house with few light bulbs, so I bought him 32.
His place is Lit!
I recently moved into an apartment building that only houses people struggling with depression
It's called The Inferiority Complex
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man moves to the middle of nowhere...
A man buys some land in Wyoming so he can be alone. One day he is working on his house whenever he sees the dust from a truck coming down his long driveway. Finally the truck pulls in, and a man gets out. "I thought I'd welcome you to the area," says the guy from the truck. "I figured since you're new to this neck of the woods, I'd invite you to a little shindig. I really think you're gonna like it. There's gonna be drinkin', fightin' and f**...'." The new guy says, "Wow, that really sounds like some party. Who all is coming?" The guy from the truck looks him in the eyes, "Just you n me."
This joke is courtesy of my 65 year old barber.
How much did it cost for workers to move a decorative tree into the small house?
Tree fitty.
A priest notices a little boy down the street
Trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
A husband and wife moved from one sand castle house to another
The wife divorced him the next day. She was furious he had another beach.
My parents kicked me out of the house because I came out of the closet.
They thought I moved out three years ago, but I've been hiding in there waiting for the right time to come out.
My buddy kept telling me that more car accidents happened within 5 miles of my house than anywhere else.
So I moved.
