Moving House Jokes

Well, I was just thinking about all the possible things that could make the new president comfortable in the White House. Putting graffiti on the walls of the White House that says, "Cheney was here," or changing the president's theme from "Hail to the Chief," to the Jeffersons' show's theme song, "We're moving on up."

A husband and wife are moving out of their house and are starting to box everything up. The husband finds a box under the bed, pulls it out, and looks inside, where he finds two eggs and about $8,000. He approaches the wife and asks, "What are the eggs for?" She replies, "Every time I cheat on you, I put an egg in the box." He says, "That's alright, you've only cheated on me twice. What's the money for?" The wife replies, "Every time I get a dozen, I sell them!"

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,
“I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”

I've been trying to move the rug on my living room floor through telekinesis,

And I've been trying every night for eight years. For eight years that rug hasn't moved an inch, but now my house is gone.

A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."

There once was a man who made dead houses.

There once was a man who made dead houses; Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses; The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood; He built them as big, yet as fast as he could; For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk; one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock; It moved towards him, his insides began to soften; So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.

Preacher goes to a party

A member of the church decided to call on his preacher to his house one Friday night. The preacher arrives to find a party in full swing.
On entering the house, he sees a circle of n**... men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their g**... in an attempt to guess their identity.
The embarrassed preacher turns to the host and says, "I'm sorry, I don't think I fit in here."
"Nonsense," says the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"

Not what he was expecting....

A hot divorcee moved in next door to an elderly man who has been lonely for most of his life. A couple of weeks later, she stops at his house for a moment. "I'm ready", she says to him, and his package starts to rise-----he can't help himself! "I wanna blow off some steam, get drunk, and get laid! Can I ask you something before I do that?" The man replies, "Sure!" and is so hard, he can't think clearly. "Can you watch my kids?" the divorcee asks.

I recently moved into a New house...

The old owners left their bed behind.
I couldn't decide what to do with it so I slept on it.

A stupidly wealthy business man builds a golden house.

On the day he moves in, he spends a few hours in the games room playing on his golden playstation 4.
Next he goes into the reading room and reads the golden newspaper.
After a while he feels restless, goes to the gym, and works out on the golden treadmill.
After 30 minutes on the treadmill he collapses from exhaustion, and says f**... me, that was hard work, I could do with a shower.'

You know you're an alcoholic when...

...your local liquor store is moving and they come to your house for boxes.

Selfless until the end.

For Pontius Pilate's birthday, the Roman soldiers lined the street to his house with Jews nailed to crosses. Walking slowly, Pilate was admiring the gesture, when he spotted Jesus on the last cross... he was was muttering something. Pilot exclaimed "fetch me a ladder! if the King of the Jews has something to say, I want to hear it!" Reaching the top of the ladder, Pilate moves in close to hear Jesus in a dry, half-audible voice, singing "Happy birthday to you..."

What's the difference between a refrigerator and a drug addict?

A refrigerator starts in a box and moves into a house.
(This is not mine, but I don't know the source. Either way, I thought it should be shared.)

My house cleaner is getting really annoying and she keeps asking me to move out.

Now she says she wants a divorce.

A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

I hate moving house...

It means I have to go around telling all the neighbours I'm on the s**... offenders register again.
I'm not, but it sure keeps their kids out of the yard.

Why did the witch have to move out of her gingerbread house?

The property taxes were gastronomical.

I'm moving house and placed all my Dan Abnett and George R. R. Martin books at the bottom of the box.

Because the books are like their fans, used to enduring great weights.

My wife and I moved to a new house.

It's the only place I've lived where I can tolerate the neighbours.
It's next to a cemetery.

So Donald Trump wants to be president and move into the white house. Why not?

It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.
 
 
*credits to Snoop Dogg @ Donald Trump roast*

A refrigerator is the exact opposite of a drug addict.

It starts off in a box and then moves to a house.

Trump says he wants to move into the White House...

...why not?
Wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family from their house

Wife tells her husband that she has big news...

..."Pretty soon, there are going to be three of us in this house instead of two.
Her husband ran to her and hugged her and said "that is the greatest thing I could possible hear!"
The wife responded, I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.

Why Donald Trump might win the election but resign on the first day?

He finds out he has to move in to a small house in a black neighborhood​​!

A girl asked her brother If he could help her move her stuff to her new house and he refused and she asked him why

He said he couldn't be her brother and assister too

If Trump replaces Obama as president,

Then it will be the first time a white billionaire moves into government subsidized housing after a black family moved out.

You all need to stop worrying about Trump becoming the next president...

There's no way he's moving into a smaller house in a black neighborhood!

Why does Donald Trump secretly not want to become president?

He'd have to move in to a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

BREAKING NEWS: DONALD TRUMP DROPS OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!

He says he just realized he'd be moving into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

Why was Trump excited to move into the Whitehouse?

Because he loves k**... black families out of government funded housing!

Cleaning Day

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies, "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

What an age we live in...

... when a family of billionaires moves into government subsidized housing previously occupied by black people.

My wife and I went to see a realtor.

"Have you guys considered moving houses?" he asked.
I said, "No, we don't like caravans."

Did y'all hear that the Ringling Bros. circus is closing down?

Moving their act to the White House

I didn't know the Disneyland had moved to the white house ...

Apparently the president is Donald and the vice is Mickey.

We used to live on a very busy main road.

But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move in to a house.

So I was helping a friend move house yesterday and I accidentally picked up his housemate's woofer....

Woops, wrong sub!

3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work

2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"

I bet you didn't know this, but gambling brought my family closer.

We had to move into a smaller house.

You can tell a lot about a person by their house

Peeking in through the windows
Recording their every move
Listening in with lasers
Yep, you can tell a lot about someone by their trash
Or behind a bush

They say a friend will help you move house but a good friend will help you move a body

I have two good friends

I'm moving in a few days and I asked my neighbor if he wanted my satellite

Told em it's on the house.

My realtor was really angry with me as I moved into my new house without paying it off in full

It looks like the bank forgot to Post Malone.

A family moves into their new house.

Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place. It's terrific, he says. I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.

Don't you hate it when you walk in on your roommates having s**...?

Every time it happens I tell myself I really have to move out of my parents house.

I recently moved into an apartment building that only houses people struggling with depression

It's called The Inferiority Complex

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

How much did it cost for workers to move a decorative tree into the small house?

Tree fitty.

A couple move to Nevada and the husband hits it big at the casino

He rushes into his house and yells to his wife,
"Pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!"
The wife replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The husband responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon."

A husband and wife moved from one sand castle house to another

The wife divorced him the next day. She was furious he had another beach.

My parents kicked me out of the house because I came out of the closet.

They thought I moved out three years ago, but I've been hiding in there waiting for the right time to come out.

My buddy kept telling me that more car accidents happened within 5 miles of my house than anywhere else.

So I moved.

I just had a Mexican neighbor move in

So i asked him if he would do my lawn
And he replied only if you have a house wife

I'm moving to North Carolina and I think I'm going to buy a house instead of renting

I hear the market is flooded right now

I moved my ferret cage to my front porch to have a BBQ in the back yard. Now my house has a mullet...

Business in the front, party in the back!

I've been thinking about moving to California

I heard the housing market's on fire right now