Moving Day Jokes
113 moving day jokes and hilarious moving day puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about moving day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Moving Day Short Jokes
Short moving day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The moving day humour may include short moving house jokes also.
- Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided... ...if I should move to Canada or New zealand.
- The other day I was organising snail races They were moving really slow. Then I thought if I remove their shells then they would go faster, but if anything they were more sluggish
- Melinda moved out of Bills mansion the other day... I hope someone remembered to update their drivers.
- I got into trouble at church the other day During his sermon, the priest asked, "What does a Bishop do?"
"Moves diagonally" was not the answer he wanted. - I've been trying unsuccessfully to move air around my apartment all day I gotta say, I'm not a fan
- My son was moving to a city in Arizona. On the day before he left he told me, "I love you, Dad." I love you Tucson.
- The day after his wife moved out, a man built a greenhouse in his garden Her last words before leaving had been "call me when you've grown a pear."
- My mom told me I wasn't a failure I appreciated the compliment so much I quit my job and moved in with her... a mother's day gift!
Her opinion changed greatly. - Have you heard of the man that walked all day and only moved two feet? .....That's all he had.
- I'm moving in a few days and I asked my neighbor if he wanted my satellite Told em it's on the house.
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Moving Day One Liners
Which moving day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with moving day? I can suggest the ones about moving company and packing and moving.
- I was at a wedding the other day It was so moving, even the cake was in tiers
- I watched my neighbor get evicted the other day... ...It was a moving experience.
- My wife got stolen by a wrestler the other day. he used his finishing move. The Cuckhold
- I was at home one day when I saw a moving truck pull up next door...
- I saw a garbage truck the other day... I didn't know nick clegg was moving
- Why did the californian celebrate his birthday a day earlier? He moved down-under!!
- Why can't gargoyles move during the day time? Because they're too s**...!
- You learn something new every day. Today, I learnt that f**... is not a boxing move.
Moving Day Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about moving day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean moving away jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make moving day pranks.
A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere.
Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him.
One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely n**... lady who also had just become marooned.
"Finally, some company!" he thought.
While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Hey, could you go walk the dog?"
I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day.
Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.
Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.
A Pakistani living in England (offensive)
A pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."
There once was a humble florist living in a small town...
He would sell his beautiful flowers to the townspeople every day. One day, some friars moved into the nearby, previously empty abbey. These friars, however, grew their own beautiful flowers to sell to pay for their expenses, and these flowers were grown in such abundance and sold so much that the florist was rapidly losing money.
A man in town noticed the poor florist's distress and offered him some help. "Hey, I know a guy named Hugh that can help you out here. See that big guy over there? That's him. By tomorrow he'll have dealt with these friars' intrusive business practices."
"Alright" said the florist, "I can't thank you enough." Though he had his doubts, he tried to trust the man.
The next morning as he went to his shop he noticed the friars had already packed up their things and were long gone. He found that man and asked, "How? How did you do it??"
"Simple" he stated, "Hugh, and *only* Hugh can prevent florist friars."
A man and his boss are playing golf...
one weekend when a f**... procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he says as they resume their game.
"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."
What do i look like?
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
What am I?
I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole in the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in and out of a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind and I return to my original position. Cleaning is normally done after I have finished. What am I? Why, I am your very own toothbrush!
Irish cream
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "
Two pilots walk into their plane from the back...
They're wearing dark glasses and each of them has a white cane. They stumble down the aisle tapping their canes and eventually make it to the cockpit.
Naturally the passengers whom they've passed are a bit uneasy, but nobody says anything.
Within 15 minutes the plane begins to move.
The plane taxis down the runway gaining speed. However, they don't take off.
Passengers are looking out the window at the nearing end of the runway. As they get closer and closer one woman lets out a bloodcurling scream, prompting many others to do the same.
At that exact moment the plane takes off.
In the cockpit one of the blind pilots says to the other "one of these days they're not gonna scream..."
Geriatric problems
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says: "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says: "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up: "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised the when the pilots arrive.
The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised when the pilots arrive.
The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.
The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.
Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
Lipstick Girls
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
Two farmhands were working in the field one hot day...
Two farmhands were working in the field one hot day when an accomplished lawyer who was passing through decided to recline in the shade of a nearby tree.
One of the farmhands approached him and asked "how did you get to be so wealthy?" to which the lawyer replied "Well son, I have an education."
The farmhand asked, "What is an education?"
The lawyer put his hand against the tree and told the worker to hit is hand as hard as he could with his shovel.
After a brief reluctant pause the farmhand proceeded to swing at the lawyer's hand. Moments before impact the lawyer moved his hand away and the farmhand hit the center of the tree with a tremendous force.
"That son, is an education," the lawyer replied as he began to continue on his way leaving the farmhand recovering from the shock of the tree.
By this time the second farmhand had wandered up to the first and asked about his conversation with the stranger.
"He taught me about having an education," the farmhand replied.
"Well, what is an education?" the other inquired.
To that, the first farmhand put his hand in front of his face and said, "Hit my hand with that shovel as hard as you can."
A joke my art teacher told me
This is a long one, and a groaner, but it's worth it.
There once was this town that was known for it's flowers. There were three florists who would make the best flower arrangements people had ever seen, and the town received many awards for them. The three florists enjoyed the competition, and didn't resent each other.
One day, a friar moved into the town and started his own flower shop. He made cheap bouquets and undercut the other florists. They soon started losing customers and money. The three original florists got together and decided to hire an assassin to kill the friar. They found one name Hugh, and he agreed to kill the friar.
Hugh killed him, and the three florists got there customers back, and were happy. Which just goes to show,
Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
A Texas Salesman
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$79,237.64."
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
A man got a job in Ireland...
A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move.
The day before they were to leave, she asked him,
"Are you sure about this?"
He tried to clam her down, saying
"Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary."
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
A stupidly wealthy business man builds a golden house.
On the day he moves in, he spends a few hours in the games room playing on his golden playstation 4.
Next he goes into the reading room and reads the golden newspaper.
After a while he feels restless, goes to the gym, and works out on the golden treadmill.
After 30 minutes on the treadmill he collapses from exhaustion, and says f**... me, that was hard work, I could do with a shower.'
Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...
... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.
The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."
The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.
The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."
They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."
The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"
Me and my friend were riding on my motorcycle...
... on a particularly windy day when we saw a cyclist in front of us, pedaling in the middle of the road,
with a car honking furiously behind him...
So we drove over and asked the guy "Why don't you move to the side and let the car overtake you?"
The guy replied "I am trying!!!"
A Scotsman goes into a bar...
Sits at the table and orders 4 pints of Innis & Gunn.
Waiter says: 4 pints?
Aye, me lads have all moved away and we toast each other by drinking a pint for each of us.
A few days later he comes back in and orders 3 pints.
The waiter says oh no sorry for the loss of your friend.
The Scotsman says Ack, no nobody died, I just quit drinking.
How to develop a quick witted mind?
Basically i want to learn how to think fast under pressure. And i'm just not talking about work.
Like today i was insulted by two of my classmates, and i just stood there focusing on my emotions, I couldn't come up with anything. Later that day when i came home, i kept on thinking at that insult until i came up with a counter move.
Any tips?
I think the police are setting up a Sting on me
Every breath I take, Every move I make, Every bond I break, Every step I take, They are watching me.
Every single day, Every word I say, Every game I play, Every night I stay, They are watching me.
Every move I make, Every vow I break, Every smile I fake, Every claim I stake, They are watching me.
Every move I make, Every vow I break, Every smile I fake, Every claim I stake, They are watching me.
Met an old friend...
I ran into an old friend the other day. He asked if I was getting any on the side. I told him, It's been a long time, but I didn't know they'd moved it over.
s**... is like a snowstorm...
s**... is like a snowstorm: It's advertised a beautiful, in reality gets messy very quickly, and if you take 10" overnight you are *not* moving the next day.
A Day in the Library
A guy is looking for a place to sit in the crowded library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."
Joe moves into a new neighborhood
One day, he is outside. His neighbor comes over, introduces himself and says " I'm throwing a party tonight, why don't you come?"
Joe asks what kind of party it will be, and the neighbor tells him "This party is going to be awesome! There's gonna be beer, gambling, and TONS of s**...!"
"Sounds like a great party," replies Joe. "What should I wear?"
"It doesn't matter, man," says the neighbor. "It't just gonna be YOU and ME."
Young Chuck
One fine old day, Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works on Wall Street.
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"
Only possible with the mind of a 7th grader...
My brother comes home from school one day and tells me his friend was held after school.
I asked him what for.
He said he moved all the women's rights books in the library into the fiction department.
The Irishman and the three beers
An Irishman moves to the us, on his first day he goes looking for a bar and finds one he likes once he enters he orders three beers, he drinks the beer, pays and leaves. He keeps doing this for a week then the bartender asks him:
* Sir why do you always drink three beers at once instead of ordering one beer at a time?
To what the Irish answers:
* Well my brothers and I used to have a daily beer back in Ireland and now that live here I drink mine and one for each of my brothers
The bartender leaves the man alone and he becomes a regular going daily for years, everyone who visited the bar knew about the Irishman and his three beers but one day he enters the bar and orders 2 beers, everyone gets quiet and the bartender says:
* I'm sorry for your loss, your brother is in a better place now
To what the Irishman responded:
* My brothers are fine I just quit drinking
A man walks into a bar and orders three drinks.
The barman serves him and then watches as the man alternates between each drink until all three are empty.
"Why do you drink them in that fashion?" asks the barman.
The man replies "I have two brothers, and they've both recently moved away. One is in Portugal, and the other is in Peru. But we've decided that we should still all drink together once a week, so right now my brothers are doing the exact same thing."
The barman, thinking it a wonderful idea, happily prepares the three drinks week in week out.
Then, one day, the man walks in, picks up two of the drinks, walks slowly to his table, and starts drinking.
The barman instantly knows exactly what this means and approaches the man's table and says "I'm terribly sorry for your loss."
The man replies "Don't worry, my brothers are fine. I just decided to quit drinking."
A women was in bed with her lover...
when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you to." she said, "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Joneses bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to bed.
Around 2 in the morning, the husband got out of bed went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Joneses for 2 days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
My friend has been hiding something.
I was cleaning my friend's room for him the other day and moved a pile of clothes off of the floor and into the hamper. To my surprise, when I lifted them, I found a perfectly gelled, expertly trimmed mustache on the ground, I saw him the next day and confronted him about my discovery. ''You got me.'' he said... I had just found his secret stache.
kids
I love having kids, cause they bring me hope, that one day they might grow up get a job and move out!!
Why Donald Trump might win the election but resign on the first day?
He finds out he has to move in to a small house in a black neighborhood!
It is the year 2066.
Scientists in the space colony on Mars are testing the feasibility of using animals to navigate the natural landscape. They decide to send a cat in a spacesuit with a radio collar and a camera to roam around.
After a day, they notice the radio collar hasn't been moving in several hours. The scientists walk over to the location of the radio collar and discover the remains of a brutally dismembered cat. Confused, the scientists take the corpse, camera, and collar back to the lab for analysis. Upon reviewing the camera footage, they discover something truly disconcerting.
Curiosity killed the cat.
I just got awake from sleep, after 61 days
April Fools :D
got it ; 61 days ..earlier ..from today right, no ?
alright move on :|
Oli and sven
One day Oli and Sven went out ice fishing. The started drilling into the ice and from above a voice boomed " there are no fish under the ice!"
Heeding the advice the duo moved about 20 Feet and started drilling again. Again the the voice boomed "there are no fish under the ice!"
Oli gazed up and asked "are you god?!"
"No" the voice said "I am the hockey rink manager!"
Cleaning Day
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies, "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
A doctor and an engineer both want to date the same girl.
The doctor decides to make a move, so gives her a rose. Meanwhile the engineer chooses to give her an apple daily.
Doctor: "Why you give her an apple everyday?"
Engineer: "Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away!"
I'll see myself out
A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him to a private school
All the sudden inthe private school his grades skyrocket up to A's. Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask,
"Why were you doing so bad in a
public school, and when we switched you to a
private school you did good?" The kid says,
"because I knew they were serious about school.
The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed
to a plus sign."
How to get rid of a refrigerator.
A man has an old worn-out refrigerator. He decides to buy a replacement, but the fridge still works, and he doesn't have a truck to haul it away, so he moves it to the front yard and tapes a sign to it:
"STILL WORKS. FREE."
It sits out there for a week, so the man takes the sign off and puts a different one on:
"BRAND NEW. $500 OR BEST OFFER."
A day later, someone steals it.
Alt-Right does nothing for our Word
Ctrl-Right, though, moves us to a whole new Word.
Obligatory I'm here all day.
Yo mamma' so poor...
I saw her k**... a thirst buster cup down the street the other day and asked her what she was doing. She told me she was moving.
A man moves to a new neighborhood
After a few days his neighbor knocks on his door
"I'm having a party tonight" says the neighbor "you should come over. But I should let you know, my parties tend to get pretty wild. There will be a lot of drinking, probably some fighting, and some really crazy s**...."
"Sounds like fun" responds the man. "Should I bring anything?" he asks.
"That shouldn't be necessary" the neighbor says. "It will just be the two of us".
3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work
2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"
The well
An Arab sold a well to a Jew. The next day, the Arab went back to the Jew and said," I sold you the well, not the water inside it. If you want to buy the water, you'll have to give me more money." The Jew smiled and said," I was just about to call you because of that. Since you didn't sell me the water, you're either going to have to move your water or pay me an hourly rent for storing your water."
Thanks BrokeBorkLensar for the correction
A priest is giving a nun a ride home one day...
As they're in the car, each time the Priest goes to switch gears, he rests his hand on the nuns knee.
The nun looks up at the priest and says "Father, remember Luke 14 10."
The priest moves his hand away, embarrassed. The next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher on her leg.
Once again, the nun says "Remember Luke 14 10, father."
The priest apologizes, "The flesh is weak" he says.
The priest drops the nun off, and when he gets home, he reaches for his bible and flips to Luke 14 10, which says.
"Friend, come up higher. Then shalt thow have glory."
Tractors (Long?)
A man really likes tractors and collects models all day, one day he decides to get rid of all the models and move on.
It just so happens he comes across a building filled with smoke and people running out, he runs into the building attempting to pull out others, people try to dissuade him.
"Don't go in!"
"It's OK, I'm an extractor fan!"
My dad told me this one.
He's a cable manager and often has to keep moving in his van/truck. One day he was driving in farm country and ran over a pig. He got out of the car to check on the pig and the pig was okay so he kept driving to his destination. When he got home, he got a call from a farmer.
"Hello?"
"I know you ran over ma pig"
"How did you know?"
"He squealed"
A husband and wife moved from one sand castle house to another
The wife divorced him the next day. She was furious he had another beach.
Joey moves to a nudist colony
Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads
Dear Joey
Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.
Love Grandma
Fu, Bu and Chu are three Chinese men.
One day, they decided to move to the USA.
They also decided to change their names, as to not be discriminated against.
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
Bu changed his name to Buck.
And Fu decided to go back to China.
Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.
At 3:00 AM there's b**... on his door. It's the KGB.
You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel? He nods.
Here in Russia, don't you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, don't you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, don't you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?
Because *There* I can complain!
Did you hear about the time Snoop Dogg moved to Sweden and learned the local language?
He spoke swede every day.
I got home after a stressful and demotivating day to find my wife moving my whisky collection up to a high shelf.
I can always rely on her to lift my spirits.
I was k**... it with my friends the other day
Then the weird kid stopped moving so we went to hang out at Calvin's
Last week I moved into a new suburb
My neighbour came over on the first day and borrowed a hammer so he could replace his white picket fence. I watched as he took the pickets off one by one until they were all off and then he stood there looking confused. I went over with a shovel and asked if he needed a hand. He said "no I'm alright, I'm just deciding whether to repost because this place hates reposts"
A lesbian couple moved in next door...
After a while we became friends. One day they asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told them that I wanna watch. They bought me a Timex. They clearly misunderstood!
A husband and wife have just moved out of the city...
...to a dairy farm at the top of a hill. One day, while on their morning walk, the husband spots their beautiful neighbor tending her garden. A gust of wind blows the neighbors dress up, exposing her rear. The husband, in complete awe and excitement, takes a deep breath and accidentally mutters to himself "sweet derierre...".
His wife looks at him, takes a deep breath, and says "much better than that awful city air."
My Family was mourning the recent loss of my Brother in Law
"I can't believe he's gone" my Wife said
"Me Neither, and to think i just ran into him the other day". i said
"Oh Dear, I cant believe he's just gone all of the sudden, he was always such a stubborn person"
"Yeah i know, He didn't move an inch when i ran into him at the crosswalk".
My boyfriend is k**... me out of his house for constantly singing lyrics from "Take on me"
He said he's giving me the weekend to move all my stuff out, and he asked me when I would be able to finally leave, so I replied with "I'll be gone in a day or two."
A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...
They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.
Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own sign. They agreed, and to their surprise, just days later a passing officer saw a row of cars moving very slowly past the farmer's place. The policeman approached the farm, and saw a new, hand-painted sign stating: "Nudist Colony".
So this drunk guy stumbles up to a police officer
He said, "Officer, someone stole my car!"
The officer in disbelief asked him "Oh yeah where was it last?" The drunk replied "right on the end of this key."
The officer, clearly unimpressed and wanting to move on with his day said to him "Okay buddy, why don't you just take yourself down to the station. They'll have the proper paperwork for you to fill out there. But before you go, zip up your fly." The drunk looked down at his fly, and then back up at the police officer.
"s**..., they got my girl too."
A Day Off
An man goes to see his boss..
Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.
COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.
The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!