Moving Day Jokes
112 moving day jokes and hilarious moving day puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about moving day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Moving Day Short Jokes
Short moving day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The moving day humour may include short moving house jokes also.
- Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided... ...if I should move to Canada or New zealand.
- The other day I was organising snail races They were moving really slow. Then I thought if I remove their shells then they would go faster, but if anything they were more sluggish
- Melinda moved out of Bills mansion the other day... I hope someone remembered to update their drivers.
- I've been trying unsuccessfully to move air around my apartment all day I gotta say, I'm not a fan
- My son was moving to a city in Arizona. On the day before he left he told me, "I love you, Dad." I love you Tucson.
- The day after his wife moved out, a man built a greenhouse in his garden Her last words before leaving had been "call me when you've grown a pear."
- My mom told me I wasn't a failure I appreciated the compliment so much I quit my job and moved in with her... a mother's day gift!
Her opinion changed greatly. - Have you heard of the man that walked all day and only moved two feet? .....That's all he had.
- I'm moving in a few days and I asked my neighbor if he wanted my satellite Told em it's on the house.
- Why Donald Trump might win the election but resign on the first day? He finds out he has to move in to a small house in a black neighborhood!
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Moving Day One Liners
Which moving day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with moving day? I can suggest the ones about moving company and packing and moving.
- I watched my neighbor get evicted the other day... ...It was a moving experience.
- My wife got stolen by a wrestler the other day. he used his finishing move. The Cuckhold
- I was at home one day when I saw a moving truck pull up next door...
- I saw a garbage truck the other day... I didn't know nick clegg was moving
- Why did the californian celebrate his birthday a day earlier? He moved down-under!!
- Why can't gargoyles move during the day time? Because they're too s**...!
- You learn something new every day. Today, I learnt that f**... is not a boxing move.
Moving Day Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about moving day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean moving away jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make moving day pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere.
Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him.
One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely n**... lady who also had just become marooned.
"Finally, some company!" he thought.
While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Hey, could you go walk the dog?"
I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day.
Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.
Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I used to live in a place with crazy thin walls.
I used to live in a place with super thin walls, which came with a lot of pros and cons
A big con was that at all times of day, you can hear people have n**..., carnal s**... right next to you through the wall.
A pro, however, was that was if you knocked on the wall, and asked very nicely, you get to join in the sideways hokey pokey.
This led to a LOT of crazy, s**... adventures.
All the crazy s**... gets tiring after a while though, so eventually, I had to move out.
And I gotta say, it was really weird having to leave my parents place.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For years Johnny helped his father with the vegetable garden.
Every spring Johnny's dad would have Johnny over for a day and they would spend all day tilling the soil to get it ready for planting and then grill some steaks in the evening. One year Johnny fell in with the wrong crowd and was arrested for armed robbery, but the gun was never located. Three months in jail he is talking with his father on the phone. His father recently had a hip replacement and can't move like he used and wishes Johnny was able to help with the gardening. After the conversation Johnny feels so bad that he calls the DA and arranges a meeting.
The next morning, Johnny's father hear's a b**... at his front door. He opens up and sees two detectives and a dozen uniformed officers with a search warrant. They brush the old man aside and make a beeline for the back yard.
Furious, he calls the prison and demands to talk to his son. He asked Johnny how dare he bring his criminal activities home and worry his mother and how ashamed he was of his scumbag son.
Johnny listened to the berating and replied, 'I felt bad that I couldn't help you with the garden this year, so I lied and told them I buried a gun back there.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Pakistani living in England (offensive)
A pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What am I?
I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole in the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in and out of a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind and I return to my original position. Cleaning is normally done after I have finished. What am I? Why, I am your very own toothbrush!
Irish cream
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a city boy moves to the country.
Bob always hated his big city life, so one day he sold all his possessions and moved to the countryside.
Proud of the new land he purchased he felt like exploring one day, so he got on his horse and follow the old barbed wire fence til he spotted a man
"Hey there! how's it going? I'm Bob and I came here to get away from the city!"
"izzat so?" the man replied "well in that case, I guess I should be invitin' ya to a neighborhood party happenin' at my place tonight. but I should warn ya city boy, out in the country we like to drink a lot at our parties"
"well" bob said "in the city the bars are open all night, I think I can handle the drinking"
"Ok, if you say so. out here in the country we also tend to fight when we drink"
"oh, well the city is a violent place too, I think I can handle myself."
"Alright don't say I didn't warn ya, there's one more thing though, our parties can get a little wilder, and though the church don't condone it, pre-marital s**... tends to happen too."
bob chuckling to himself at this point said " well I think I can handle that too. I'll be sure to swing by tonight. By the way, just so I fit in, is there any sort of dress code I should follow so I don't stand out?
"oh you don't worry 'bout that, just show up in whatever feels comfortable. It's just gonna be the two of us tonight"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny's first day in kindergarten
Little Johnny is sitting in his kindergarten class when the teacher asks the following question: "There are three birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of the birds. How many are left?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "There are zero birds left. One was shot, and the other two flew away when they heard the sound of the gunshot;" to which the teacher replies "No, Johnny, the answer is actually two, but I like the way you think." So then Johnny asks if he can pose a question to the teacher. She agrees to answer Johnny's question.
Johnny says, "There are three women sitting on a park bench, eating popsicles. The first woman is just looking at the popsicle, not really paying it any mind. The second woman is biting the popsicle, taking off large chunks at a time. The third woman is slowly s**... on the popsicle, moving it in and out of her mouth, slowly and rhythmically. Which woman is married?"
The teacher blushes and says "Well, if I have to guess, I suppose it would be the third woman."
Johnny says, "Actually, it's the woman with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A knock at the door
Every day, Jim gets two six packs on the way home from work. When he gets home, he sits in his living room until they're gone. One day, just as he's getting to the end of the last beer, he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and sees a six foot tall grasshopper. Before he can say a word, the grasshopper punches him in the face as hard as he's ever been hit! Floored, he can't respond before the grasshopper leaves.
He decides he'd better be in better shape, so the next day he only gets one six pack. Just as he's finishing the last beer, he hears another knock at the door. He gets up to answer it, a bit more wary this time. Not that it does him any good. The six foot tall grasshopper is there again, and this time hits him *twice*, each one as hard as he's ever been hit! Again, the grasshopper leaves before he can do anything.
On the third day, he decides he'd better just skip his beer. He's sitting in his living room, stone cold sober, when he hears a knock at the door. He checks his peephole. It's the grasshopper. But he figures this time he hasn't been drinking and he can take him, so he opens the door. Before he can do anything, the grasshopper knocks him down and kicks him until he can't move. Again, the grasshopper leaves when it's done.
Obviously he's in bad shape after that, so he goes in to see his doctor. He describes what's been going on. The doctor nods knowingly, "Yeah, there's been a pretty n**... bug going around."
Lipstick Girls
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home...
In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home and no cars would stop. When out of the blue a car pulled up moving very slowly and stopped right in front of him. Asking no questions he jumps into the back seat - relived that finally he had a lift. As the excitement of the lift subsided - he realized that the car had no driver. The car started moving again. The man braced himself as the car moved towards a couple of bends. As the car hit the bends a mysterious hand would pop through the window and turn the car. The man was completely freaked out by this. Ghost car! When he could take no more of this he jumped out of the car and ran for dear life. He came up to a tavern and had to go in for a drink. Inside there were fellow drinkers enjoying their drinks and he just had to let them know what had happened to him. At first the other fellows laughed but then the man started crying...and they thought it has to be true. At that moment two guys stormed into the tavern...shouting, " we ran out of gas and while we were pushing our car some mad man jumped in... Did he happen to come in here?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Signs...
The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to...
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
- Your job interferes with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
- Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!
- You consider that having two hands and only one mouth is a drinking problem.
- You can normally focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved since you entered the bar.
- You fall off the floor sometimes.
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Mosquitoes stumble about after attacking you.
- At weekly AA meetings, you forget your own name.
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- The whole bar greets you when you come in.
- You don't recognise your wife unless you see her through the bottom of your glass.
- That d**... pink elephant followed you home again!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The tale of two gnats
So a gnat is on a vacation and he sees another gnat but he looked beat up with bruises all over his body. He walks over and asks him why he looks the way he does.
"Well," says the beat up gnat, "My living conditions are terrible. I live in this biker's mustache, and if holding on while he's riding faster than everyone else, it's the bar brawls that'll nearly do you in. This is the first time I've gotten a chance to think about it and I need to move."
The other gnat pats him on the back and exclaims, "Well you're in luck, because I know how you can upgrade big time. Do you see that airport over there? Go over there and slip underneath one of the flight attendant's dresses and nestle in their p**... hair. It's warm, it's safe, if you aren't itchy she won't get rid of you, *and* you still get to see the world."
Enlightened, the beat up gnat thanks him and flies straight over to the airport.
One year later, the gnat goes on vacation to the same spot and sees the same gnat from before, beat up as like he was the first time. He flies over and asks him what happened.
"Well," the beat up gnat starts, "I did just as you said, and by golly you were right. For the longest time I felt like I truly had a good home. Then one day, it was suddenly bright, I feel crushed, I heard lots of screaming, and the next thing I knew I was in some biker's mustache."
A joke my art teacher told me
This is a long one, and a groaner, but it's worth it.
There once was this town that was known for it's flowers. There were three florists who would make the best flower arrangements people had ever seen, and the town received many awards for them. The three florists enjoyed the competition, and didn't resent each other.
One day, a friar moved into the town and started his own flower shop. He made cheap bouquets and undercut the other florists. They soon started losing customers and money. The three original florists got together and decided to hire an assassin to kill the friar. They found one name Hugh, and he agreed to kill the friar.
Hugh killed him, and the three florists got there customers back, and were happy. Which just goes to show,
Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
A Texas Salesman
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$79,237.64."
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
A man got a job in Ireland...
A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move.
The day before they were to leave, she asked him,
"Are you sure about this?"
He tried to clam her down, saying
"Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three young boys are walking home from school one day...
when they decide to stop and check out the new neighbors who moved in on their block. They walk over to the tall fence surrounding the yard and the first boy looks through a hole. He finds himself staring at a beautiful, n**..., sunbathing woman. He wildly gestures for the second boy to look, and then the third boy. However, when the third boy looks through the hole, after a few seconds he screams, and runs down the street towards his house. The other two boys look at each other in bewilderment and go home very confused.
The next day, the boys stop by the house in hopes of seeing the same woman, and again find her sunbathing n**.... Yet again, once the third boy looks through the hole he screams and runs down the street. The other two boys are still extremely confused as they walk home.
The following day, they stop by the house again, and lo and behold, the woman is out sunbathing n**... again. When the third boy gets his turn and screams, the other two grab him and prevent him from running off.
The first boy says "Look! Every time you take a look at that lady, you scream and take off! What is wrong with you?!"
The third boy turns and replies "Well...my mom always told me that if I ever looked at a woman n**..., I would turn to stone...and I felt a part of me getting reeeallly hard...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys and one girl are stranded on a deserted island
To avoid agruments and fights, the guys agree each can have the girl every other week. They are basicly taking turns on having s**... with her.
This goes on for several months but one day the girl injures her foot.
Her foot barerly heals and several days later she dies of an infection.
For the guys, this was okay for a month.
But it started getting more difficult for them during the second month.
After 3 months it was inpossible for the guys to continue like this
so they decided to stop taking turns, bury her and move on with their lives
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A stupidly wealthy business man builds a golden house.
On the day he moves in, he spends a few hours in the games room playing on his golden playstation 4.
Next he goes into the reading room and reads the golden newspaper.
After a while he feels restless, goes to the gym, and works out on the golden treadmill.
After 30 minutes on the treadmill he collapses from exhaustion, and says f**... me, that was hard work, I could do with a shower.'
Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...
... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.
The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."
The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.
The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."
They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."
The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"
Me and my friend were riding on my motorcycle...
... on a particularly windy day when we saw a cyclist in front of us, pedaling in the middle of the road,
with a car honking furiously behind him...
So we drove over and asked the guy "Why don't you move to the side and let the car overtake you?"
The guy replied "I am trying!!!"
A Scotsman goes into a bar...
Sits at the table and orders 4 pints of Innis & Gunn.
Waiter says: 4 pints?
Aye, me lads have all moved away and we toast each other by drinking a pint for each of us.
A few days later he comes back in and orders 3 pints.
The waiter says oh no sorry for the loss of your friend.
The Scotsman says Ack, no nobody died, I just quit drinking.
How to develop a quick witted mind?
Basically i want to learn how to think fast under pressure. And i'm just not talking about work.
Like today i was insulted by two of my classmates, and i just stood there focusing on my emotions, I couldn't come up with anything. Later that day when i came home, i kept on thinking at that insult until i came up with a counter move.
Any tips?
I think the police are setting up a Sting on me
Every breath I take, Every move I make, Every bond I break, Every step I take, They are watching me.
Every single day, Every word I say, Every game I play, Every night I stay, They are watching me.
Every move I make, Every vow I break, Every smile I fake, Every claim I stake, They are watching me.
Every move I make, Every vow I break, Every smile I fake, Every claim I stake, They are watching me.
Met an old friend...
I ran into an old friend the other day. He asked if I was getting any on the side. I told him, It's been a long time, but I didn't know they'd moved it over.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... is like a snowstorm...
s**... is like a snowstorm: It's advertised a beautiful, in reality gets messy very quickly, and if you take 10" overnight you are *not* moving the next day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Day in the Library
A guy is looking for a place to sit in the crowded library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."
Young Chuck
One fine old day, Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with the dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works on Wall Street.
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"
Only possible with the mind of a 7th grader...
My brother comes home from school one day and tells me his friend was held after school.
I asked him what for.
He said he moved all the women's rights books in the library into the fiction department.
The Irishman and the three beers
An Irishman moves to the us, on his first day he goes looking for a bar and finds one he likes once he enters he orders three beers, he drinks the beer, pays and leaves. He keeps doing this for a week then the bartender asks him:
* Sir why do you always drink three beers at once instead of ordering one beer at a time?
To what the Irish answers:
* Well my brothers and I used to have a daily beer back in Ireland and now that live here I drink mine and one for each of my brothers
The bartender leaves the man alone and he becomes a regular going daily for years, everyone who visited the bar knew about the Irishman and his three beers but one day he enters the bar and orders 2 beers, everyone gets quiet and the bartender says:
* I'm sorry for your loss, your brother is in a better place now
To what the Irishman responded:
* My brothers are fine I just quit drinking
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three spies are captured in london
One is German, one is French and the other is italian. First they interrogate the German spy and after 3 hours of t**... he talks and is thrown back into the cell with the others. Then the French spy is interrogated, and after about 8 hours of t**... they get him to talk and throw him back with the others. Last they interrogate the Italian spy and after 20 hours of t**... and failing to make him say a word they give up for the day and throw him back with the others. When he is back in the cell with the other spies asked him, "how did you last that long without saying a word"?
Then the Italian man says,
"I was trying to speak but they had my hands strapped down and I wasn't able to move them".
A man walks into a bar and orders three drinks.
The barman serves him and then watches as the man alternates between each drink until all three are empty.
"Why do you drink them in that fashion?" asks the barman.
The man replies "I have two brothers, and they've both recently moved away. One is in Portugal, and the other is in Peru. But we've decided that we should still all drink together once a week, so right now my brothers are doing the exact same thing."
The barman, thinking it a wonderful idea, happily prepares the three drinks week in week out.
Then, one day, the man walks in, picks up two of the drinks, walks slowly to his table, and starts drinking.
The barman instantly knows exactly what this means and approaches the man's table and says "I'm terribly sorry for your loss."
The man replies "Don't worry, my brothers are fine. I just decided to quit drinking."
A women was in bed with her lover...
when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you to." she said, "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Joneses bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to bed.
Around 2 in the morning, the husband got out of bed went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Joneses for 2 days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
My friend has been hiding something.
I was cleaning my friend's room for him the other day and moved a pile of clothes off of the floor and into the hamper. To my surprise, when I lifted them, I found a perfectly gelled, expertly trimmed mustache on the ground, I saw him the next day and confronted him about my discovery. ''You got me.'' he said... I had just found his secret stache.
kids
I love having kids, cause they bring me hope, that one day they might grow up get a job and move out!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was sick and tired of the city life, so he moved to the country side...
Years go by and nobody bothers him. Finally, one day, he heard a knock on his door.
Neighbor: "How are you doing, neighbor? I'm hosting a party and your presence there would be much appreciated!"
Man: "Cool! It's been years since I had human interaction. I'll come!"
Neighbor: "Fantastic! Just some pointers first though. There's going to be heavy drinking..."
Man: "I can handle my liquor."
Neighbor: "And maybe some rough drunken fights..."
Man: "I've been in a few bar fights before, I can hold my ground."
Neighbor: "And some raw drunken s**...."
Man: "Even better! So what should I wear to the party?"
Neighbor: "Don't bother with small details like that, it's just the two of us anyways."
I just got awake from sleep, after 61 days
April Fools :D
got it ; 61 days ..earlier ..from today right, no ?
alright move on :|
Imagine a nice dreamy day, laying down inside a giant soap bubble, floating in the sky.
Don't move.
Oli and sven
One day Oli and Sven went out ice fishing. The started drilling into the ice and from above a voice boomed " there are no fish under the ice!"
Heeding the advice the duo moved about 20 Feet and started drilling again. Again the the voice boomed "there are no fish under the ice!"
Oli gazed up and asked "are you god?!"
"No" the voice said "I am the hockey rink manager!"
Cleaning Day
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies, "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
f**... Cure
A lady walks into a doctors office. She says, " Sir I have a serious problem. I dont know when it started, but I lost control of my farts. Fortunately it doesnt sound or smell at all, but I f**... all the time. You must have not noticed, but I already f**... about 5 times since I walked into your office.
Doctor, silently listening, finally stood up and gave her few pills.
"One of these every day should fix you up in a week."
A week passed, and the lady returned.
She says angrily," I thought the pill was supposed to cure me, but it just made it smell horribly!"
The doctor, surprisingly happy with the result, says, "All right, lets move onto your ears then."
A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him to a private school
All the sudden inthe private school his grades skyrocket up to A's. Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask,
"Why were you doing so bad in a
public school, and when we switched you to a
private school you did good?" The kid says,
"because I knew they were serious about school.
The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed
to a plus sign."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two scotsmen are playing golf.
There are two Scotsmen out for a day of golf, Angus is ready to swing on the fifteenth hole. There is a country road that runs parallel to the course.
As Angus is about to swing a f**... procession comes around the corner. He stops and takes off his hat until the f**... procession passed and turned the corner.
His friend is clearly moved, "Aye Angus, that was a very nice thing to do. Very respectful of ye to do that for that family."
Angus gets ready to continue paying and nods, "Aye, she was a good wife."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy moves way way out to the country...
...miles from anything. One day there's a knock at the door, and he opens it to find a guy in full hayseed regalia, overalls, thermal shirt, the works.
Hick: "Howdy, new neighbor! Would ya like to come to a party at my place tonight?"
New guy: "Well, sure! I'm new to these parts, I sure would love to meet the locals."
Hick: "I gotta warn ya, there'll be some drinkin'."
New guy: "That's OK, I could use a drink."
Hick: "There'll be some salty language."
New guy: "That won't bother me."
Hick: "...and some rough s**...."
New guy: "Hey, I'm in! How about if I bring a case of wine?"
Hick: "Nah, a bottle should do: it's just you and me."
Alt-Right does nothing for our Word
Ctrl-Right, though, moves us to a whole new Word.
Obligatory I'm here all day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man moves to a new neighborhood
After a few days his neighbor knocks on his door
"I'm having a party tonight" says the neighbor "you should come over. But I should let you know, my parties tend to get pretty wild. There will be a lot of drinking, probably some fighting, and some really crazy s**...."
"Sounds like fun" responds the man. "Should I bring anything?" he asks.
"That shouldn't be necessary" the neighbor says. "It will just be the two of us".
3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work
2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Rooster Ramón
I used to have a Mexican rooster named Ramón. He liked to have s**... with anything that moved. I kept telling him that all this boning was going to kill him one day. Ramón just laughed about it and kept giving the animals the chorizo. Yesterday, I walked outside and saw Ramón lying flat on his back with dirt and dust spread across his chest. I ran to his side and said "Ramón, I told you all this b**... was going to kill you!" Ramón opened one eye, pointed to the sky, and quietly whispered in his thick Latin accent, "shhhhh buzzards!"
The well
An Arab sold a well to a Jew. The next day, the Arab went back to the Jew and said," I sold you the well, not the water inside it. If you want to buy the water, you'll have to give me more money." The Jew smiled and said," I was just about to call you because of that. Since you didn't sell me the water, you're either going to have to move your water or pay me an hourly rent for storing your water."
Thanks BrokeBorkLensar for the correction
Tractors (Long?)
A man really likes tractors and collects models all day, one day he decides to get rid of all the models and move on.
It just so happens he comes across a building filled with smoke and people running out, he runs into the building attempting to pull out others, people try to dissuade him.
"Don't go in!"
"It's OK, I'm an extractor fan!"
My dad told me this one.
He's a cable manager and often has to keep moving in his van/truck. One day he was driving in farm country and ran over a pig. He got out of the car to check on the pig and the pig was okay so he kept driving to his destination. When he got home, he got a call from a farmer.
"Hello?"
"I know you ran over ma pig"
"How did you know?"
"He squealed"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man moves to the middle of nowhere...
A man buys some land in Wyoming so he can be alone. One day he is working on his house whenever he sees the dust from a truck coming down his long driveway. Finally the truck pulls in, and a man gets out. "I thought I'd welcome you to the area," says the guy from the truck. "I figured since you're new to this neck of the woods, I'd invite you to a little shindig. I really think you're gonna like it. There's gonna be drinkin', fightin' and f**...'." The new guy says, "Wow, that really sounds like some party. Who all is coming?" The guy from the truck looks him in the eyes, "Just you n me."
This joke is courtesy of my 65 year old barber.
A husband and wife moved from one sand castle house to another
The wife divorced him the next day. She was furious he had another beach.
Joey moves to a nudist colony
Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads
Dear Joey
Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.
Love Grandma
Fu, Bu and Chu are three Chinese men.
One day, they decided to move to the USA.
They also decided to change their names, as to not be discriminated against.
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
Bu changed his name to Buck.
And Fu decided to go back to China.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.
At 3:00 AM there's b**... on his door. It's the KGB.
You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel? He nods.
Here in Russia, don't you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, don't you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, don't you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?
Because *There* I can complain!
Did you hear about the time Snoop Dogg moved to Sweden and learned the local language?
He spoke swede every day.
I got home after a stressful and demotivating day to find my wife moving my whisky collection up to a high shelf.
I can always rely on her to lift my spirits.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was k**... it with my friends the other day
Then the weird kid stopped moving so we went to hang out at Calvin's
Last week I moved into a new suburb
My neighbour came over on the first day and borrowed a hammer so he could replace his white picket fence. I watched as he took the pickets off one by one until they were all off and then he stood there looking confused. I went over with a shovel and asked if he needed a hand. He said "no I'm alright, I'm just deciding whether to repost because this place hates reposts"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lesbian couple moved in next door...
After a while we became friends. One day they asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told them that I wanna watch. They bought me a Timex. They clearly misunderstood!
A husband and wife have just moved out of the city...
...to a dairy farm at the top of a hill. One day, while on their morning walk, the husband spots their beautiful neighbor tending her garden. A gust of wind blows the neighbors dress up, exposing her rear. The husband, in complete awe and excitement, takes a deep breath and accidentally mutters to himself "sweet derierre...".
His wife looks at him, takes a deep breath, and says "much better than that awful city air."
My Family was mourning the recent loss of my Brother in Law
"I can't believe he's gone" my Wife said
"Me Neither, and to think i just ran into him the other day". i said
"Oh Dear, I cant believe he's just gone all of the sudden, he was always such a stubborn person"
"Yeah i know, He didn't move an inch when i ran into him at the crosswalk".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My boyfriend is k**... me out of his house for constantly singing lyrics from "Take on me"
He said he's giving me the weekend to move all my stuff out, and he asked me when I would be able to finally leave, so I replied with "I'll be gone in a day or two."