Moving Away Jokes

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican.

They get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?” The German responds, “I will take oil!” They put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished, the German has huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?” “I will take nothing!” says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. “What will you take on your back?” the Amazons ask the American. “I'll take the Mexican.”

A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch, before the trouble starts.
The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away.
After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him, "Pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts."
The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch.
After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18 year old scotch, before the trouble starts.
The bartender is becoming a little worried, but pours him the 18 year old scotch.
Before the man finishes his 18 year old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: "Say friend, when this trouble is going to start?"
To which the man replies, "The trouble starts, when you find out that I don't have any money."

An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing.

It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond.
So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.
The doctor said to her, “when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.”
She thought this was a great idea.
When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”
There was no response.
She moved 10 feet closer.
Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”
No response.
She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.
She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?”
Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”

A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.

"
The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what’s for dinner?"
Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers,
"For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"

Satan in Church!

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute." returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity??" persisted Satan.
"Yep." was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?!" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me? "
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Death Notice

An old man and his wife had just moved to Australia when the wife passed away after a s**.... While talking to the neighbour about her passing, it was mentioned that in their new country, it is common to announce deaths with a classified ad in that section of the newspaper. Well, the old man decides that's a great idea and heads back home to dial the newspaper.
"Hi there, I'd like to place a death notice."
"OK then. Firstly, sorry for your loss. Now what would you like it to say?"
"Have it say, "Ruth died.""
"Well, um, that's, um, somewhat blunt, but the minimum charge is for five words. Is there anything else you'd like to add?"
"OK. Let me think, um... "Ruth died. Toyota for sale.""

My dad's favourite joke. Mine too.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'
The spider didn't move.
'Move right'
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'

Irish cream

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "

So a city boy moves to the country.

Bob always hated his big city life, so one day he sold all his possessions and moved to the countryside.
Proud of the new land he purchased he felt like exploring one day, so he got on his horse and follow the old barbed wire fence til he spotted a man
"Hey there! how's it going? I'm Bob and I came here to get away from the city!"
"izzat so?" the man replied "well in that case, I guess I should be invitin' ya to a neighborhood party happenin' at my place tonight. but I should warn ya city boy, out in the country we like to drink a lot at our parties"
"well" bob said "in the city the bars are open all night, I think I can handle the drinking"
"Ok, if you say so. out here in the country we also tend to fight when we drink"
"oh, well the city is a violent place too, I think I can handle myself."
"Alright don't say I didn't warn ya, there's one more thing though, our parties can get a little wilder, and though the church don't condone it, pre-marital s**... tends to happen too."
bob chuckling to himself at this point said " well I think I can handle that too. I'll be sure to swing by tonight. By the way, just so I fit in, is there any sort of dress code I should follow so I don't stand out?
"oh you don't worry 'bout that, just show up in whatever feels comfortable. It's just gonna be the two of us tonight"

Clean as cold water can get it.

A man decides to spend a week on his uncle's farm, well away from the city life. The first night his uncle cooks him a lovely meal and afterwards his uncle takes the dishes away to be cleaned. The next day at breakfast the man notices there still seem to be bits of dinner on the plate. He asks his uncle about it and his uncle replies "It's as clean as cold water can get it." The man accepts that but offers to do the cleaning himself, but his uncle refuses. At dinner the man again notices bits of the last meal still on the dishes. He asks his uncle again, and the reply is still "It's as clean as cold water can get it."
This continues for the week until it's time for the man to leave, but his uncle's dog is blocking the gate and refuses to move. The man asks his uncle to get the dog out of the way and his uncle yells: "Oi! Coldwater! Get out of the way!"

Little Johnny's first day in kindergarten

Little Johnny is sitting in his kindergarten class when the teacher asks the following question: "There are three birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of the birds. How many are left?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "There are zero birds left. One was shot, and the other two flew away when they heard the sound of the gunshot;" to which the teacher replies "No, Johnny, the answer is actually two, but I like the way you think." So then Johnny asks if he can pose a question to the teacher. She agrees to answer Johnny's question.
Johnny says, "There are three women sitting on a park bench, eating popsicles. The first woman is just looking at the popsicle, not really paying it any mind. The second woman is biting the popsicle, taking off large chunks at a time. The third woman is slowly s**... on the popsicle, moving it in and out of her mouth, slowly and rhythmically. Which woman is married?"
The teacher blushes and says "Well, if I have to guess, I suppose it would be the third woman."
Johnny says, "Actually, it's the woman with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

The Blonde And The Lord

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RING!"

My grandfather passed away early this morning. To commemerate him, here is a favorite joke of his

A man and woman were on their honeymoon after a quick courtship. They met, fell, and love, and were quickly married. On their honeymoon, they decide to go for a horse ride through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the wifes's horse mis-steps and jostles the her. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the wife's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the wife's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the wife's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a p**... from his jacket, and shoots the horse dead.
The wife, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"

Scientists and spiders.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let everyone know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'
The spider didn't move.
'Move right'
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'

A man stands at the edge on top of a 20 story building after deciding that he's going to kill himself.

He's about to jump when he here's the voice of a coworker behind him.
"Wait!" the coworker says. "Don't jump!"
"Why not?" says the man. "I got laid off again. Life is nothing but a series of endless struggles and I'm tired of fighting it and putting this off."
"But look at all the people down there going about their lives...they're all more like you than you know. Everyone deep down is going through some unseen battle. You are not alone!"
The man pauses for a moment, shrugs, and moves away from the edge. The coworker is immediately relieved and asks him, "Do you understand now? Do you understand that you don't have to go through it all alone?"
And the man says, "I don't really care about all that. I just couldn't live with myself if I landed on someone."

Clock warehouse

A kid goes walking in the woods and stumbles a upon a warehouse. He goes inside the warehouse and there are hundreds of large grandfather clocks. After walking around a little he sees a wizard and he asks the wizard what the clocks are for. The wizard tells him that each clock is assigned to a different person, and whenever the person is m**... the hands of the clock move. They walk around some more and the kid sees a clock that is away from the rest of the clocks over by a window and its spinning fast. The boy asks the wizard if that clocks broken because its spinning so fast and isn't stopping. The wizard says no, the clocks fine, it's just assigned to your mother. We use it as a fan.

Oh, a joke standing still indeed!

A philosopher, a tree, and an elephant resided along the shore of a lake. As time passed, the philosopher, the tree, and the elephant became thirsty. The philosopher, not knowing how or where to drink safely, observed the elephant. He watched as the animal moved away from the shore into deeper waters. The elephant proceeded to drink the water surrounding itself. This was of no help to the philosopher, as swimming towards the deep waters of the lake would have proved dangerous due to predatory animals. The philosopher sought to observe the habits of the tree, but its roots were too far underground to analyze, and the different way of utilizing water made the task of understanding the system impossible to complete with only direct observation by a human. Feeling defeated, the philosopher pondered, If I cannot even keep myself healthy, why value the advanced intellect I possess over these creatures? . The intellectual grew tired, so he made his way out of the man-made safari; he drank from a water fountain close to the exit and continued by walking out of the tourist attraction.

There was once a great Polynesian king

He lived in a magnificent palace made of woven grass and sat on a beautiful throne.
One day another kingdom gave him a gift: a new throne, even more exquisite than the one he already had. The king wanted to replace his old throne right away, but he didn't want to just throw it away; he had so many good memories tied to it!
Instead, he had it moved to the attic, and then he proceeded to sit on his new throne. Unfortunately, since the palace was made of woven grass, it couldn't support the weight of the old throne. Thus the old throne came crashing down, falling on top of the king and killing him instantly.
The moral of the story: Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!

So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

Armenian Radio

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon.
Then, what is a horizon?
We're answering: Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.
**And another one for good measure.**
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR?
Both guarantee freedom of speech.
We're answering: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.

Every night at the pub...

...the Irishman followed the same ritual. He ordered five shots of whiskey, then held each glass up in a silent toast, and drank them down in turn.
After seeing this for weeks on end, the bartender's curiosity got the best of him, and he said to the Irishman, "I notice you always order five shots. Is there a story behind that?"
"Aye, lad. I have four brothers, and we used to go out drinking every night. They've since moved away, so, as a tribute, I always order a shot for each of them and one for myself."
One night the Irishman came in and ordered four shots of whiskey. "I'm afraid to ask..." said the bartender. "Did something happen to one of your brothers?"
"Nay, lad, my brothers are fine. It's me. My doctor said I have to quit drinking."

A man dies and goes to heaven but he sees there are a lot of clocks displayed at the Pearly Gates.

The man is stricken with curiosity and asks Saint Peter.
"Hey, what are those clocks for?" he asks.
"Oh, those are the clocks of lies," Saint Peter replies. "Every time one tells a lie, their clock moves one minute from 12 o'clock. Look, there's Honest Abe's," points Saint Peter at a clock set at 12:02. "Here are those of our saints," Saint Peter points to another bunch of clocks, some at 12:05, 12:03, times which are barely away from 12 o'clock.
"Hmm...where are the politicians' clocks?" the man asks Saint Peter again.
"Oh they're in our offices. We use them as electric fans."

Two idiots, Bill and Carl, were digging a ditch.

Two idiots, Bill and Carl, were digging a ditch. As they sweated, they noticed their supervisor leaning on a fence, enjoying his coffee. "How come he's up there and we're down here?" asked Bill.
"I dunno, go ask him!".
Bill climbed out and marched over to the supervisor. "Hows come you're up here sipping coffee and we're slaving away?"
The supervisor looked at him. "Bill, let me show you. I'll put my hand on this post, and you try to smash it with your shovel, ok?"
Bill took a mighty swing, but the super moved his hand and Bill hit the post, nearly jarring the shovel out of his hands.
"That's why I'm up here and you're down there. Now back to work!"
Bill climbed back down. "What did he say?" asked Carl.
"I'll show you." Bill looked around for a post, but seeing none in the ditch, put his hand on his face. "OK, try to hit my hand with your shovel..."

Man walks into a bar and orders 4 beers.

Drinks them, and leaves.
Next week same time does the same thing: orders 4 beers, drinks them, and leaves.
The third week; same thing. The bartender is curious so he asks. "well, I moved here few weeks ago. Back home my 3 brothers and I met every Thursday after work for a beer. Since I was feeling homesick I figured I would keep up the tradition even if I had to do it alone."
This goes on for several weeks until one week the man comes in and orders three beers and a coke. Bartender says, "I hate to pry but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away?"
The man chuckles and says, "No nothing like that. I decided to quit drinking."

"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."
The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her something. If she doesn't hear it, reduce the gap by 10 feet and so on till she can hear what you say."
The man satisfied with the reply, hurries home to try this little technique. He stands around 50 feet away from her, and shouts, "Hey honey, what's for dinner today?" He gets no response, so he moves closer and repeats the same question four more times till he's right next to her.
He asks the same question again and she says, "For heaven's sake, this is the fifth time I'm telling you, it's just fruit salad tonight!"

Three guys are lined up to be executed by handgun.

The executioner ask the first one, "Any last words?"
"Tornado!" He exclaims, pointing behind the executioner, who turns around in t**.... While the executioner is distracted, he runs away.
So the executioner moves on the the next guy. "Any last words?"
"Tsunami!" He yelled, pointing towards the nearby seashore. Again, the executioner turns around and the second guy gets away.
Frustrated, the executioner goes the the last guy. "Any last words?"
"Fire!"
So the executioner shoots him in the face.

Bros, friends, amigos... If she gives you this for her address, just go ahead and move on. Toss that cocktail napkin away. Move on. THere's other fish in the sea. (feel free to add to the list)

• Drinkand Dr.
• Vicious Circle
• West 943,185th Street
• Psycho Path
• Peoples Ct.
• Nofriggin Way