Moves Jokes
137 moves jokes and hilarious moves puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about moves that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Moves Short Jokes
Short moves jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The moves humour may include short moved jokes also.
- Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849? Because there was gold up in them/their hills.
- Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves. Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.
- I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious. She asked me to move out with her.
- A kid came out as bisexual to his dad and the dad said they have to move "This apartment has a strict no-animal policy.", he says. "Wait until they find out I have a bison."
- Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
- King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did. Because the Queen could go any distance but the king can only move one space at a time.
- I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons. I think I have telekinieces.
- Today in church they asked what a Bishop does Apparently move diagonally wasn't the answer they were looking for.
- A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
- I was recently asked if I believed faith could move mountains. Apparently "No, but I've seen what it can do to buildings," is the wrong answer.
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Moves One Liners
Which moves one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with moves? I can suggest the ones about moving and motion.
- Chess is banned under Islam They hate that the queen moves freely.
- I'm not sure faith can move mountains... But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers.
- What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon? An Apocaclipse.
- When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a house warming party Now I'm homeless
- If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd move U Cause you're blocking the TV
- What do you give to someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy
- I saw a cop pull over a U Haul today... Looks like he was trying to bust a move.
- I invented a car that moves only when the driver is silent... It goes without saying
- If I ever move to Prague, I'll open a burrito shop. And call it Bohemian Wrap City.
- Our new IT guy moved here from Australia... He comes from a LAN down under.
- If Hillary wins, I'm moving to... Benghazi. At least I know there, she'll leave me alone
- Why is Donald Trump moving to Egypt? To live in a state of de Nile.
- An ugly, broke, single man stood in my way So I moved the mirror
- Simba was moving too slowly So i told him to Mufasa
- Why did the Siamese twins move to England? So the other one could drive!
Dance Moves Jokes
Here is a list of funny dance moves jokes and even better dance moves puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a formula that can predict Al Gore's dance moves? An al gore Rhythm algorithm.
- What part of your body shouldn't move while dancing? Your bowels!
- What’s a dumpling’s favorite dance move? The “steamy salsa”!
- What do you call a sequence of dance moves made by Al Gore? An algorithm.
- US politics is a lot like square dancing. Move to the right, take one step back, move to the left, take one step forward. Repeat.
- My Indian friend taught me an authentic Punjabi dance. I've got some real Sikh moves.
- I walked into a disco, and there were Orcs, Trolls, and Nazgûl doing their best moves. It was Mordor on the dance floor.
- What dance move catches everyone by surprise? The Plot Twist!
- I thought I could never be a good dancer until I discovered Dance Dance Revolution. Though I've only really mastered one move, it's a step in the right direction.
- Did you know Rocky Mountain wood ticks hunt in packs? They from a queue and move back and forth before they swoop in to bite you. They call this behaviour Lyme dancing.
Moves Faster Jokes
Here is a list of funny moves faster jokes and even better moves faster puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I took the shell off of my pet snail because I thought it would make him move faster ...if anything, it made him more sluggish
- Today I decided to take the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him move faster... If anything he seems more sluggish!
- since light moves faster then sound.. People may appear bright until you hear them speak.
- You would think that a snail without a shell would move a bit faster... But it's actually more sluggish.
- I removed the shell from a snail to see if it would make him move any faster. It didn't work. If anything, now he's even more sluggish.
- The other day I was organising snail races They were moving really slow. Then I thought if I remove their shells then they would go faster, but if anything they were more sluggish
- Someone told me if you take a snail out of its shell, it'll move faster. But actually, it just makes them more sluggish.
- We were travelling far far away in space. Moving through time faster than the universe itself. But i still got a traffic ticket in the mail.
- I saw a snail creeping slowly across the ground. I thought if I remove his shell, he could move faster. But it only made him more sluggish.
- You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.
Moves Forward Jokes
Here is a list of funny moves forward jokes and even better moves forward puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It doesn't matter how fast I'm going. What matters is that I'm moving forward in the right direction. police officer: That's very inspiring, but you're still getting a ticket.
- The reverse gear on our car stopped working, so my wife and I took it to a garage. Moving forward we should be fine.
- Why did the plastic surgeon create a surgery to move your ears forward? Because he wanted to create a new front-ear!
- Did you hear that the band members of No Doubt have announced they are moving forward without Gwen Stefani. It is reported they will now go by the name "Some Doubt".
- Tip for BMW Drivers - Move your seat as far forward as possible. That way you can get even closer to the car in front.
- I found out today that I can make time move forward with my mind. It just takes me a minute.
- I won $4 during the Mega Millions lottery today Please respect our privacy as our family decides how to move forward in this exciting and pivotal moment in time.
- What do whales say when they want to move forward? WHALE than...
- Johny was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Than he calmed himself down and moved forward.
- Why does Michael Jackson moves backward when he moonwalks? Because moving forward is just walking.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Moves Jokes
What funny jokes about moves you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean transfer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make moves pranks.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
A black knight moves into a new village with only white people...
...after a year, a white girl in the village gives birth to a black child. A shepherd goes up to the knight and says: "I think you had s**... with that girl, since you're the only black person in this entire village." The knight responds: "Well, sometimes weird things just happen, like your single white sheep among your heard of black sheep." The shepherd says: "Hey! You say nothing bout the sheep, I say nothing bout the baby."
A Russian family moves to America...
...but they can't pay their rent, so the husband says to his wife, "You must go out and sell your body." The wife does and comes back two hours later. The husband asks, "How much did you make?" The wife replies, "50 dollars and 10 cents." The husband asks out of curiosity, "Who gave you the ten cents?" The wife says, "They ALL did."
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
Snow wife.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.
Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
My 5 year old's original joke
My son came up with this one. Clever, I thought.
What has one wheel, spins, but never moves?
A Ferris wheel.
A man was hiking in a forest when he sees a big post...
"this is the gaymen forest".. he thinks it's a joke and moves on. As he walks, he sees more and more posts that say "this is the gaymen forest" and that get smaller and smaller. At a certain point, he sees a tiny post, close to the ground. He bends over to read it and sees "It's too late now, buddy! Told ya !"
Jokes/Puns!
1. What kind of birds always stick together? VEL CROWS.
2. What is a spider's favorite thing to do? SURF THE WEB.
3. What goes around the cow but never moves? THE FENCE.
4. Why didn't cheddar cheese want to hang out with bleu cheese? BECAUSE HE HAD A MOLDY PERSONALITY.
5. Why do fish swim in schools? BECAUSE THEY CANT WALK IN SCHOOLS.
6. How do you catch a unique rabbit? YOU NIQUE UP ON IT.
A guy moves into a new neighborhood...
And a r**... knocks on the door. The guy opens and the r**... says "howdy neighbor! welcome to the neighborhood! Tonight I'm gona throw a party in your honor - there's gona be a whole lot of dancin, a whole lot of drinkin and a whole lot of screwin!"
The guy replies "sounds great! What should I bring?" The r**... replies "wellp - you can bring whatever you want, it's just gona be you and me"
A Texas Salesman
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$79,237.64."
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods..
When suddenly a genie appears. The mouse and bear stop dead in their tracks, perplexed at the genie's appearance. The genie offers to give both the bear and mouse three wishes. The bear, not hesitating, goes first; "I wish all the bears in these woods were female." The genie laughs and moves onto the mouse. "I wish for a motorcycle." The genie nods and moves back to the bear. "I wish all the bears in the world were female." The genie laughs again. The mouse asks for a motorcycle helmet. The genie gives it to the mouse and looks at the bear one last time. "I wish all the female bears wanted me." The genie goes, "My man!" and looks to the mouse for his final wish. The mouse gets on his motorcycle, starts it up, puts his helmet on and says, "I wish the bear was gay." and the mouse zooms off.
An Englishman, a Spaniard, a Frenchman, and a German...
An Englishman, a Spaniard, a Frenchman, and a German are watching a street performer do some amazing juggling, but they don't have a good view. The street performer then moves and asks them:
"Can you guys see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"
Hint: Say out loud with respective accents.
A man goes ice fishing...
He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."
He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, There are no fish there either."
He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."
Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"
"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a drug addict?
A refrigerator starts in a box and moves into a house.
(This is not mine, but I don't know the source. Either way, I thought it should be shared.)
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?
I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
Girlfriend: Tell me something to make me feel like a woman!
She said excitingly with a smile on her face..... tell me, tell me tell me she said as she wrapped her arms around her boyfriend but the boyfriend stands quietly..she says again come on tell me!
The boyfriend holds her close, looks deep into her eyes and then moves in closer and whispers: "you don't know how to park"
Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books.
Which I get because I am an athlete that rarely moves.
A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.
The husband has a plan.
He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."
About one fourth of the guests stands up.
He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."
Another one fourth of the guests stands up.
He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."
Wife tells her husband that she has big news...
..."Pretty soon, there are going to be three of us in this house instead of two.
Her husband ran to her and hugged her and said "that is the greatest thing I could possible hear!"
The wife responded, I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.
A man dies and goes to heaven...
St. Peter welcomes him and shows him many many clocks.
"There is a clock for every person on the Earth" says St. Peter "The hand moves a bit if the person lies. We even have all the politicians here. Obama, Bush and Trump."
"And where is Hilary Clinton's clock?" Asks the man.
Peter answers: "It's in my office, I use it as a fan."
A Scotsman moves to London
How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps b**... his head on the wall.
Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.
Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.
If Trump gets elected...
...it will be the first time in History that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.
Art Gallery n**...
A couple at an art gallery see a picture of a n**... woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
She asks, "What are you waiting for?"
He replies, "Autumn."
What an age we live in...
... when a family of billionaires moves into government subsidized housing previously occupied by black people.
How to get rid of a refrigerator.
A man has an old worn-out refrigerator. He decides to buy a replacement, but the fridge still works, and he doesn't have a truck to haul it away, so he moves it to the front yard and tapes a sign to it:
"STILL WORKS. FREE."
It sits out there for a week, so the man takes the sign off and puts a different one on:
"BRAND NEW. $500 OR BEST OFFER."
A day later, someone steals it.
I make conversation like I play chess....
Plan 3 moves ahead then freak out when the other person doesn't do what I planned for.
So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today.
That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.
A man moves to a new neighborhood
After a few days his neighbor knocks on his door
"I'm having a party tonight" says the neighbor "you should come over. But I should let you know, my parties tend to get pretty wild. There will be a lot of drinking, probably some fighting, and some really crazy s**...."
"Sounds like fun" responds the man. "Should I bring anything?" he asks.
"That shouldn't be necessary" the neighbor says. "It will just be the two of us".
Immigration to the US is a good thing.
Everytime someone moves to the US from their home country, the average IQs of both nations go up.
When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control.
Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear.
"Why don't you play checkers with Bill anymore?"
"Would you play with a person who cheats and moves his men around when you are not looking?"
"No."
"Well, neither would Bill."
My wife's pregnant
90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?
Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!
Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!
Dr: EXACTLY!!
A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time
All of a sudden, he hears a voice. There are no fish under the ice! He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: There are no fish under
the ice!
He nervously looks up and asks, Lord? Is that you?
No, this is the rink manager!
What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?
A rook moves in straight lines and a bishop has s**... with young boys.
What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?
The average intelligence of both countries goes up.
Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.
The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.
He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!
"Must be a cat." He moves on.
Kicks the second sack: Woof! Woof!!
"Must be a dog." He moves on.
He kicks the third sack: The sack says: "Potatoes!"
An immigrant moves to New York City from another country...
He can bearly speak broken English. He notices mice in his apartment and immediately calls the landlord to report the problem. Hello!
-Hello, what's the problem?
-You know Tom and j**...?
-Yes, Tom and j**...?
-Well, j**... problem.
Why is chess banned in islam?
Cause the queen moves freely
A priest notices a little boy down the street
Trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.
He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?
St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?
St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
Joey moves to a nudist colony
Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads
Dear Joey
Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.
Love Grandma
Yo momma so fat
When she moves her phone from one pocket to another, it changes network!
The lord moves in mysterious ways - but you don't have to.
Please use your blinker!
I man and his wife walk into a disco...
And in the middle of the dance floor there is a very handsome man with a great body and expensive jewelry. Who is busting some serious moves, back flips, moon walking, running man etc.
The wife turns to her husband and says "see that man he asked me to marry him ten years ago but I said no"
The husband replies "and it looks like he is still celebrating"
The Lord moves in mysterious ways. But you don't.
Use your turn signal.
School dances this year are going to be like Fortnite lobbies...
Lots of s**... dance moves and unnecessary shooting
A golfer tells his buddy, Check out this Impossible-to Lose golf ball I have...
If you hit it in the water it floats and then activates a small propeller that moves it over to the edge so you can retrieve it. If you hit it in high grass it emits a smoke signal. If you hit it into a bush, it chirps. It's literally impossible to lose!
His buddy says Wow! That's awesome. How much does it cost?
The golfer says I don't know. I just found it on the course.
A guy moves to a new neighborhood and sees his neighbor playing chess with his dog
A guy moves to a new neighborhood. The next morning, he sees his neighbor playing chess with his dog. Tries to be friendly, he asks: wow you have an incredibly smart dog, he can even play chess, how'd you train him?. Bothered, his neighbor replies: Nah, not that bright, we've been playing 10 games, and he lost like 7 of them!
What's the difference between ninjas and a stage crew?
Ninjas move silently around walls and a stage crew moves walls around silently
Renes Descartes goes into a bar
The barkeeper asks him: "You want a beer?"
Descartes agrees and after that he drinks many more.
Later when he is quite drunk he grabs his keys and moves towards his car.
The barkeeper stops him from entering the car and asks him: "Do you really think, driving your state is a good idea?"
Descartes replies: "Yeah, you're right. I don't think..." and abruptly stops existing.
A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife did it".
An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.
The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."
That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"
He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.
Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"
I asked my pen why it never moves.
It wrote "sorry, I'm stationary"
What does the buffalo father say, when his male offspring moves out?
Bison
Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon
You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just s**... on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won
What do you call a bee that still moves after you kill it....
A zom-bee
A very drunk guy starts beating up a nun on the street
He throws kicks, uppercuts, regular punches, even some drunk karate moves.
Once he is exhausted he steps back and says "You disappoint me, Batman"
Optimus Prime, in full on robot battle, wondering how the decepticons keep figuring out his next moves before he makes them
only to look down and see that his blinker was on the entire time.
What has eight legs, a horse's head and makes hissing noises as it moves?
Seriously... What is that thing? It suddenly appeared in the basement a week ago. Should I be concerned? Would have asked my brother for help but haven't seen him in seven days.
A man thinks that his wife is losing her hearing
He is getting very frustrated with her because of it, but she denies it when he confronts her about it. So one day he decides to set up an experiment to prove it to her.
He takes her out to the field behind their house and he places his wife at 100 yards away from him and shouts Dolores! He waits for her response, but nothing comes.
He moves 50 yards closer and shouts Dolores! Still no response from her.
Finally he moves 5 feet away from her and shouts Dolores!
What?! She cries For the third time WHAT?!?
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are being chased by a farmer...
and they hide in his barn inside three sacks.
The farmer pokes the sack with the brunette with his pitchfork, and she says "meow"
He moves on to the next sack with the redhead, and she says "woof".
He moves on to the last sack with the blonde, and she says "potatoes".
I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves
Turns out he's pretty s**... at karate.
A man wants to go ice fishing.
He goes onto the ice, drills a hole, and puts out his line.
Suddenly he hears a loud voice from above, saying 'THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.'
He gets up, a little confused, and moves to another spot on the ice, drilling another hole and throwing his line out again.
Once again, he hears: 'THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.'
Trembling, he looks up. 'A-Are you G-God?'
'NO. I AM THE RINK MANAGER.'
A man moves in an old apartment
He notices the place is ridden with moths. Not knowing what to do, he calls his mother who tells him to buy some mothballs.
He goes to a nearby store and buys a pound of mothballs. The next day, he goes back and buys another pound. That same day he returns and buy yet another pound.
The seller stops him. Man, how many moths are you dealing with? I've been working here for so long and I've never seen an infestation requiring more than half a pound of mothballs
Well, replies the man. Not everybody has such a good aim.
What do you call it when a bird moves things with it's mind?
Pelikinesis
The Voice
A guy decides to go ice fishing. He goes out on the ice and begins cutting a hole to drop his line through. Suddenly a loud, booming voice speaks from far above: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Somewhat spooked, he moves to another spot and tries again. Once again, the deep voice from above: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Now the guy is thoroughly frightened. He looks up timidly and asks, "Is that you, Lord??" The voice replies, "NO! THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"
A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....
"Neither would Clyde"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, A Spaniard and a German go to the theater to watch a mime show.
The men have bad eyesight so they are squinting through the whole performance.
The mime sees their problem and stops the show and moves them to the front row. He then ask, "Can you see me now?"
The men Respond:
YES
OUI
SI
JA
A woman playing golf hits a nearby man...
She rushes over to the man who is on the ground, rolling around screaming in pain with his hands between his legs.
She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve his pain since she is a doctor and reluctantly he agrees. She gently moves his hands to his sides and unzips his pants and puts her hands inside. She massages him tenderly for a few minutes and asks: "How does it feel?"
He replies: "It feels great but I still think my thumb is broken".
A guy moves his mom into a nursing home, settles her in, and heads home
As she's sitting in her chair watching Golden Girls, she slumps over to the side and has a strange expression on her face.
Seeing this, one of the caretakers rushes over and props her back up.
Then, during Matlock, she slumps again and is promptly attended to.
During Wheel of Fortune, the same thing happens again - then it was time for dinner and finally it was time for bed.
The next day, the son comes back and says, "mom, how was you first day?"
She says "The food's alright, but they won't let you f**..."
I've been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.
Every time I tell her I can't see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"
Icefishing
An ice fisher makes a hole in the ice, puts his fishing rod in and suddenly he hears a voice "There are no fish here".
So he moves a bit further away, makes another hold, puts his lure in and hears again "There are no fish here".
He looks up and asks "God? Is that you"
The voice grumbles "No, d**..., I'm the ice rink groundskeeper".
A couple moves into an apartment and decides to paper the living room.
They ask their neighbor, who has the same size living room, if he had ever papered his room and how many rolls he bought. The neighbor answers "Eleven".
So the couple buys 11 rolls of expensive wall paper and gets to work. To their surprise, after 8 rolls the living room is finished. Annoyed, they confront their neighbor about the 3 wasted rolls.
He replies "Huh. That happened to you too?"
I just beat the world chess champion in 3 moves.
Finally my high school karate courses have paid off.
