moves Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious moves puns

When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

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Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

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Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books.

Which I get because I am an athlete that rarely moves.

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What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

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A Scotsman moves to London

How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.

It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.

Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.

Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.

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What do you call a formula that can predict Al Gore's dance moves?

An Al Gore Rhythm algorithm.

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School dances this year are going to be like Fortnite lobbies...

Lots of stupid dance moves and unnecessary shooting

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The deeply religious Jim and Joan are freshly married

As they begin to consummate their marriage, Jim moves straight for anal. Joan stops him "No, that's not the right hole."

"How would you know?" Asks Jim

"I was late after choir practice one day, and Father Henry and I talked about the sins of the flesh. Then he showed me how it was done so I could stay away from it and be wise and virtuous."

"Well that's weird." says Jim. "When we had that discussion, Father Henry put it in my ass."

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Two business men are at a bar

The first one asks the second one: "If you found out the world was going to end in one hour's time, what would you do?"

The second one replies "I'd fuck anything that moves. What about you?"

After a brief pause for thought, the first businessmen replies "I'd stay very, very still."

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Favourite one-liner?

"stationary shop moves" - Jimmy Carr

**Another favourite -** "I keep my porno tapes in my sock drawer, it's all you need in one place" - Jason Manford

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What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

A rook moves in straight lines and a bishop has sex with young boys.

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So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today.

That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.

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A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."

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My wife's pregnant

90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?

Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!

Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!

Dr: EXACTLY!!

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The Lord moves in mysterious ways. But you don't.

Use your turn signal.

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When you say the word poop, your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same applies for explosive diarrhea.

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A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.

After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?

I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.

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Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.

The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.

He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!

"Must be a cat." He moves on.

Kicks the second sack: Woof! Woof!!

"Must be a dog." He moves on.

He kicks the third sack: The sack says: "Potatoes!"

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A Russian family moves to America...

...but they can't pay their rent, so the husband says to his wife, "You must go out and sell your body." The wife does and comes back two hours later. The husband asks, "How much did you make?" The wife replies, "50 dollars and 10 cents." The husband asks out of curiosity, "Who gave you the ten cents?" The wife says, "They ALL did."

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Two Electricians Are Working On A Telephone Pole

As they're working, an old woman walks by them. The first electrician calls out "Ma'am! Can you move that wire aside for us?"

She replies "Oh yes, deary", as she picks up the wire and moves it out of the sidewalk and strolls off.

The second electrician says to the first "I told you it wasn't live, moron."

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Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

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A man goes ice fishing...

He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."

He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, There are no fish there either."

He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."

Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"

"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."

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End of the world

Two men are at the bar drinking, when all of a sudden a breaking news report comes on. "Breaking news, the world will end in one week! According to top scientist a meteor will hit the Earth in 7 days!" The first man looks at his friend and say, "so what are you going to in your last days?" To this his friend replies, "fuck anything that moves, what about you?" the first man then says, "not move!"

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A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.

The husband has a plan.

He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."

About one fourth of the guests stands up.

He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."

Another one fourth of the guests stands up.

He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."

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A pot-heads ice-fishing experience.

A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing. So he gathers all the needed equipment and makes his way to the closest frozen ice.
He goes about 20 feet out and drills a hole in the ice.
"There's no fish there!" Booms a voice.
The stoner shrugs and moves a further 50 feet out and drills another hole.
"There's no fish there either!" Yells the voice again.
The stoner looks around wildly and asks, "Is that you God?"
"No," says the voice, "I own the fucking ice rink!"

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Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.

He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?

St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.

The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.

Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?

St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

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A Texas Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"

"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

"One."

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$79,237.64."

His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

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Joey moves to a nudist colony

Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.

He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads

Dear Joey

Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.

Love Grandma

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Snow wife.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"



With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

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A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods..

When suddenly a genie appears. The mouse and bear stop dead in their tracks, perplexed at the genie's appearance. The genie offers to give both the bear and mouse three wishes. The bear, not hesitating, goes first; "I wish all the bears in these woods were female." The genie laughs and moves onto the mouse. "I wish for a motorcycle." The genie nods and moves back to the bear. "I wish all the bears in the world were female." The genie laughs again. The mouse asks for a motorcycle helmet. The genie gives it to the mouse and looks at the bear one last time. "I wish all the female bears wanted me." The genie goes, "My man!" and looks to the mouse for his final wish. The mouse gets on his motorcycle, starts it up, puts his helmet on and says, "I wish the bear was gay." and the mouse zooms off.

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Two men were working on a construction site...

...It is a 5 story building, one man is working on the roof, and the other on the ground. The man on the roof realizes he needs his hacksaw but is already in his harness and cannot go down to get it. Knowing thism he tries to yell down to his co-worker on the ground to bring it up for him, he gets the mans attention but the man can't make out what he's saying. The man on the roof decides to motion what he needs, so he moves his hand back and forth like he's using a hacksaw. The man acknowledges, pulls down his pants and starts jerking off. The worker on the roof is so outraged that he takes off his harness, and runs down the stairs, and goes to the guy and yells "What the hell was that!?! I was asking for a hacksaw!" and the other guy replies, "I know, I was just trying to tell you that I was coming"

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A priest notices a little boy down the street

Trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

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Immigration to the US is a good thing.

Everytime someone moves to the US from their home country, the average IQs of both nations go up.

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A man tells his doctor about his wife's poor hearing.

In order to determine the level of hearing damage, the doctor tells the man to ask his wife something from 15 feet away, Moving 5 feet closer and trying again if she doesn't respond, until she responds.

The man then goes home and sees that his wife is cooking.

He stands 15 feet behind his wife and asks,

"Whats for dinner?"

No response.

So he moves 5 feet forwards, and asks again,

"Whats for dinner?"

Still no response.

The man moves forwards again, until he is only 5 feet from his wife.

"Whats for dinner?"

The wife turns around and shouts,

**"For the third fucking time, Beef stew."**

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What are the most funny Moves jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Moves? Well, here are the best Moves dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Moves pick up lines to share with friends.

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