moved Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious moved puns

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old...

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.

Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bit her ass she farted in my face and then flew out the window'

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Man in ecstasy...

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

*"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"*

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When I was younger I would fuck anything that moved

Now that I'm older, I don't like to place those kinds of limitations

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2 drunk men walk into a whorehouse [NFSW]

The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls. they're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first man says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bit her ass she farted in my face and then flew out the window'

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Man in ecstasy

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

*"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"*

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face,...

...as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.

''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

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Our new IT guy moved here from Australia...

He comes from a LAN down under.

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What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

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A group of three men were sitting together...

When one asked " What would you do if you had 5 minutes to live?"
The second man responds by saying "If I had 5 minutes I would fu*k anything that moved"
When the third man was asked what he would do he replied " I would stand very still for 5 minutes"

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An ugly, broke, single man stood in my way

So I moved the mirror

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The husband was filled with pleasure...

...with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

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11 Blondes and a brunette

There are 12 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 11 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

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U.S. Navy Seals just freed thousands of ISIS sex slaves ...

All the goats have been moved to an undisclosed location and are awaiting to be reunited with their respective farmers.

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Ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska...

Shes been cold and distant.

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I heard 80% of all accident happen within 10 miles of home.

So I moved.

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The "bishop" came to our church today...

...must have been an imposter!
Never once moved diagonally

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My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home."

So he up and moved

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He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face

as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, then forwards, then backwards again. Back and
forth, in and out, back and forth...

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed. Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay! I can't park the bloody car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

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So embarrassing..

The most embarrassing thing happened to me last week. I was at a school dance. I was standing by the punch bowl watching the girls dance and I don't know how it happened but I got a boner. Just the way they moved and danced gave me an erection. So anyway, one girl saw me and pointed me out. Suddenly everyone saw and started laughing at me. I started crying and I ran out of the dance. It was so embarrassing. I am never chaperoning the kindergarden dance ever again.

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I made the Earth move for the last girl I had sex with.

And then I moved it back to the hole I had buried her in.

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Texas: The Miracle State

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

"Say, is this really a healthy place?"

"It sure is," the man replied.

"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They sat down in the lobby and started discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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Why did Kylo Ren miss?

[rey moved]

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I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."

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The first time I played chess, I thought the castles moved diagonally.

Rookie mistake.

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The "bishop" came to our church today...

He was a fucking impostor. Never once moved diagonally.

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Just moved out on my own and am doing really well...

All my bills say im outstanding

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3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work

2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers

One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"

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A bishop came to Church Today

Clearly he was an impostor.
Never once moved diagonally.

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I got cursed out by a flight attendant for asking to be moved away from a screaming baby

Apparently they don't like that if it's your baby.

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Psychology vs Law

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."

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A Day in the Library

A guy is looking for a place to sit in the crowded library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."

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Two guys.

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you I'm coming!"

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What are the most funny Moved jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Moved? Well, here are the best Moved dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Moved pick up lines to share with friends.

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