Mouth Jokes
167 mouth jokes and hilarious mouth puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mouth that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Brighten up your day with a collection of humorous jokes about the mouth! From big mouths to licks to dry mouths and more, these jokes will have you laughing. Get ready to pop your lid with this hilarious list of mouth-related puns!
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Funniest Mouth Short Jokes
Short mouth jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mouth humour may include short throat jokes also.
- I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today... Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
- Cigarettes are like hamsters Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.
- What do hamsters and cigarettes have in common? They're both perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire
- Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for hillary clinton this election She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth
- When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.
- I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth
- The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas. The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.
- My girlfriend told me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer" by smash mouth she would dump me... I thought she was joking
But then i saw her face - Why do hipsters always burn their mouths eating pizza? They got into it before it was cool.
- Cigarettes are just like squirrels. They aren't dangerous until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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Mouth One Liners
Which mouth one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mouth? I can suggest the ones about bite and finger.
- What bleeds once a month in the mouth? Me, when I remember to floss once a month.
- Why does Oedipus hate profanity? He kisses his mother with that mouth.
- I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent
- I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth... and now I talk with a strange Axe scent.
- What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? About one U.S Leader.
- I accidentally sprayed my deodorant into my mouth. Now I speak with this weird axe scent.
- What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.
- Why doesn't Oedipus curse? Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
- Hey baby, call me Colgate Because 9 out of 10 dentists recommend me in your mouth.
- Why is Oedipus against swearing? He kisses his mother with that mouth!
- Girl, are you a termite? Because you're gonna get a mouthful of wood tonight
- Nothing like being awoken by a surprise BJ I should sleep with my mouth closed
- I just sneezed while eating alphabet soup... ...took the words right out of my mouth.
- I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I? Ugly.
- People are like trashcans When you step on their feet, their mouth opens.
Big Mouth Jokes
Here is a list of funny big mouth jokes and even better big mouth puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Whats big, pink, long and my girlfriend hates when I put it in her mouth? Our miscarriage.
- Today my girlfriend asked me; if I was a candy bar, which candy bar would I be? I said "Big Hunk. Because not many people like me, especially when they're not expecting my nuts in their mouth"
- My wife says I'm starting to look like a big stuffed manicotti. Nothing gets pasta my mouth.
- Humans need 7 filters. 2 for the eyes, 2 for the ears, 2 for the nostrils and a big 1 for the mouth.
- You can't trust pelicans with secrets. Because they have a big mouth.
- Son: mom, all the kids at school tell me I have a big mouth. Mom: oh no sweetie, don't listen to them you don't have a big mouth. Now take your shovel and finish your soup.
- Why was the constellation diagnosed with mouth cancer? He was a big dipper.
- It's orange, it says it's an orange, but it's not an orange. What is it? A tangerine with a big mouth.
- What did the big mouth bass buy at 7-Eleven? A big gulp.
- What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth.
Mouth Watering Jokes
Here is a list of funny mouth watering jokes and even better mouth watering puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There's that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell... Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?
- I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?
- When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water. Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.
- My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill I wonder if the same happens to vegans taken they mow the lawn
- I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water... Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?
- You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you're grilling a steak on the BBQ? I wonder if vegans get that when they mow the lawn.
- If a normal person's mouth waters at a steak? Does a vegan's mouth water when someone is mowing the grass?
- My mouth waters when I smell a steak being grilled Does a vegan's mouth water when the lawn is being cut?
- My mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water. He must think I'm some kind of mug.
- You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you smell a steak cooking on the grill? Is that what happens to vegans when they mow the grass?
Dry Mouth Jokes
Here is a list of funny dry mouth jokes and even better dry mouth puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What goes in mouth dry and hard and come out soft and sticky? Chewing gum
- My mouth so dry... Eli Whitney walk up on me while I'm yawning and invent the cotton gin.
- Cancer changes things. If you really love her.. You'll put up with dry-mouth blow jobs.
- What's hard and dry at first but once out in a mouth turns soft, wet and sticky? Gum
- I sneezed and I just ripped the blood cot out of my wisdom tooth hole. Mouth full of blood. Dry socket here we COME...joke iz on me
- "Do you like dry, salty peanuts in your mouth?" "I sure do. With ketchup."
"What are you, a gay starfish?!"
Mouth Breathing Jokes
Here is a list of funny mouth breathing jokes and even better mouth breathing puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was told that you catch more fish if you put maggots in your mouth for 5m before attaching them to your rod. Is this true? I await your replies with baited breath.
- I get why Karen's hate wearing face masks Because they make mouth breathers smell their own breath
- Secret to wine tasting is to open the bottle and allowing it to breathe If it doesn't look like it is breathing, then give it a mouth-to-mouth
- I bought a pack of spearmint gum. Now there's a hole in my mouth and my breath smells like blood.
- I bet you can't breath loudly with your mouth open and tongue out Good dog!
- Have you ever gotten laid in a sleeping bag? It's horrible. You can't breathe, it's all sweaty, and your scoutmaster is covering your mouth.
- The Best Way to Enjoy a Good Wine is to First Open the Bottle and Allow it to Breathe. Then if it does not look like it is breathing, give it mouth to mouth.
- Chuck Norris can breath out with his nose and breath in with his mouth at the same time.
- How do you get garbanzo breath? Have a chickpea in your mouth
Amusing Mouth Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about mouth you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean neck jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mouth pranks.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
BUD LIGHT AND SWEET TEA
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea andstart swishing it in your mouth but don't s**.... Just keep swishingand swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking freshand reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husbandcame home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn'ttouch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
A strange van pulls up to a 12 year old boy walking down the street...
The man in the van holds out a bag of candy and says, "hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"
To that the kid replies, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag."
A guy walks into a bar...
sits down and orders 10 shots one after the other without saying anything.
When he finally stops, the bartender is curious and asks him what the shots were for.
"My first b**..." the man replies.
"Oh" the bartender says, "Well then in that case let me give you one on the house."
"No, thanks," the man says "if 10 can't get the taste out of my mouth 11 sure won't."
A man sees a f**... procession...
... with nearly one hundred men following a man and his dog behind the two hearse's. The man goes up to the lead man and asks what happened. He is answered, "My dog killed my wife and her mother." With a slight grin, the man covers his mouth and says, "You think you might be able to lend me that dog?" To which he is answered, "Get in line."
Two Dragons walk into a bar
One dragon says, "It's hot in here".
"Shut your mouth", says the other dragon.
Strength vs. Intelligence
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...
The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"
The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"
The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously l**... it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"
7 shots
So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 7 v**... shots
The bartender asks the man what's the special occasion the man says
" I just experienced my first b**..." .
And the bartender says "congrats how about a 8th shot on the house" and the man goes
" if 7 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth I don't know what will
The new store...
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well. Only two left!'
A guy walks into a bar
He orders 9 scotches, straight up.
Bartender: "Wow, that's a a lot of scotch. You must be celebrating?"
Guy: "Yes. My first b**...."
Bartender: "Well then, the tenth one is me!"
Guy: "If the first nine don't get the taste out of my mouth, ten won't either."
Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?
Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"
A young black boy walks int to kitchen ...
There he dumps a pound of flour on himself, he goes to his mother and says, " look! I'm a white boy!" His mother slaps him in the mouth and says, "go tell your Father what you jst said!" The boy goes to his fAther and says, " look! I'm a white boy!" His father takes him over his leg and spanks him hard. Then the father asked," okay son , now what have you learned?" The looks at him and says," I've only been a white boy for 8 minutes now an I already hate you black people!"
I took a girl home last night after telling her I was good with my mouth...
We stayed up all night chatting, she eventually stormed off and I'm not sure why, maybe she doesn't think I'm the cunning linguist I claimed after all?
A man walks into a bar and orders 11 shots.
The the bartender pours the shots and asks the man what the occasion is. The man says "First time for a b**... today." The bartender congratulated the man and said "For such an occasion, I'll add a 12th shot on the house." The man said "Nah, don't worry about it. If 11 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, 12 won't either."
TIL: Due to the placebo effect, if you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and pretend as if you're shaking a salt-shaker into your mouth, your brain will cause you to actually taste salt
Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...
... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.
The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"
So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.
"See that big rock there?" He asks.
The other bat nods.
"I didn't."
#1 h**... tip for Women:
Use your mouth.
Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...
The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones"
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that every time her husband comes home from drinking he beats her......
The doctor says that next time he comes home, open a bud light, take a swig and keep it in her mouth as long as possible without swallowing. Wife says ok and heads home
Two days later she is back and tells the doctor that it work amazingly, her husband came home drunk, so she grabbed the bud light, took as swig and kept it in her mouth for nearly ten minutes, her husband didn't hit her once!
Doctor looks at her and says "amazing what happens when you keep your mouth shut"
Monica Lewinsky is going to vote for Bernie
The last time a Clinton was in office it left a bad taste in her mouth.
The teacher told the kids: name a few things that you can put in your mouth.
Kids: Apple, chocolate, cookie, lamp
Who said that last one?
Johhny stood up and said: it was me.
Why do you think you can put a lamp in your mouth? the teacher asked.
Because last night, after I went to sleep I heard my dad tell my mom to turn off the lamp so he can put it in her mouth.
My mom dropped this one on me
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."
Squirrels are like cigarettes.
They are completely harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light them on fire.
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!"
The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"
Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!"
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"
A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I s**... it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Monica said she wasn't voting for Hilary...
because the last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth
Two bats...
were in a cave thirsty for blood. One bat looks to the other and says, "I'm going to look for blood, stay here I'll be back".
He flies out of the cave and returns after a long time with blood dripping out of his mouth.
Excited, the other bat asks him "Where did you find so much blood??".
The other bat says, "you go out of this cave and turn left".
"Yes", replied the other bat, excitedly.
"Then you see a tree"
"Yeah"
"Well, I didn't".
Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...
"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"
Today I woke up to a b**.....
..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.
Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.
All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.
Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"
Putin laughs and tell them "s**... globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."
Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil h**...! We need fuel!"
A man steps onto an elevator with a woman inside...
He asks her, "Where are you headed today Miss?"
She says, "I'm on my way to the blood bank to donate blood."
The man asks, "How much do you get for that?"
She responds, "$20."
He then says, "Really? I'm on my way to the s**... bank, they pay me $100."
She looks angry about that, and then they part ways.
The next day the man gets on the elevator again to see the same woman. He says, "What a coincidence seeing you again. Where are you headed today?"
She responds, "To the s**... bank." with her mouth full.
The Lost Bible
One day a devout preacher lost his favorite Bible while he was at a spiritual retreat in the mountains. He was devastated, and began to lose his faith. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him after church service, carrying the Bible in its mouth. The preacher couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the dog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the dog. "Your name is written inside the cover."
I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise b**....
Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.
Woke up to a b**... earlier.
That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..
No, that snake's not poisonous at all.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.
2 year old son spits on the floor.
Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you s**... it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!
Life is like a box of chocolates...
Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.
What has 3 d**... and is suicidal?
Me with 2 d**... in my mouth.
Cigarettes are just like weasels...
Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Smash Mouth songs.
I said Hey Now...
I wish my wife looked at me the way my dog does.
You know, waist-high with a bone in her mouth.
Do you know any jokes?
**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"
**Me:** "No."
**Her:** "I'll teach you one."
"Knock! Knock!"
**Me:** "Who's there?"
**Her:** "Ash."
"Now ask, Ash: who?"
**Me:** "Ash: who?"
**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."
**Me: rekt**
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a s**... test.
The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his s**... with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"
Last night a man attacked me.
Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my t**... with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.
It said : *Self-defense courses.*
s**... in a sleeping bag is horrible
It's really cramped, sweaty, too warm and then to top it all off you have the scout masters grubby hand over your mouth
Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee?
Because he drank it before it was cool
A salesman knocked on a suburban door...
...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*c**... do you think?"
Man walks into a bar
and orders 10 shots of tequila. Bartender surprised by the order asks what's the occasion? The man says "I just had my first b**...". With cheer in his voice bartender says "well if it's so, then I'll throw in 1 on the house". the mans says "if 10 shots can't wash that taste out of my mouth, I doubt 11 will"
When I was a kid a zookeeper caught me smoking a camel.
I told him I'd kill a giraffe too if he didn't keep his mouth shut.
The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
I was choking on some alphabet pasta when a lady asked if I needed help.
She took the words right out of my mouth.
A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.
When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his c**.... He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .
You know, cigarettes are a lot like Hamsters, Perfectly Harmless....
That is unless, of course, you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
Husband says to wife: Babe, do I please you in bed?
Wife: Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Husband: What trick?
Wife: The one where you s**... and go to sleep.
Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?
Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.
* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*
Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.
A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.
"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate s**..., and the s**... bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"
"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."
