Mountain Jokes
146 mountain jokes and hilarious mountain puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mountain that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a laugh? Check out this collection of jokes about everything mountain-related, from mountain bike trails to mountain lions! Don't miss this must-read compilation of silly quips, puns, and witty remarks to put a smile on your face.
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Funniest Mountain Short Jokes
Short mountain jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mountain humour may include short valley jokes also.
- Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?" "I am not Master Akira."
- I was recently asked if I believed faith could move mountains. Apparently "No, but I've seen what it can do to buildings," is the wrong answer.
- I never believed that faith could move mountains But I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers
- Faith vs science I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers.
- I'm not convinced faith can move mountains, but I know what it can do to skyscrapers. (Come on, it's been 15 years.)
- Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill... ...Ruth hits a tree. Johnny continues, ruthlessly.
- A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?" "I am not Master Ayumu."
- what's the difference between a Pakistani elementary school in the mountains and an Al-Queda outpost? I dunno man I just fly the drone.
- My Dad asked if I wanted to go on a mountain climbing trip with him in Nepal, I said, "Sher, pa"
- What do you get when you cross a mountain and a desert? Very tired feet.
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Mountain One Liners
Which mountain one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mountain? I can suggest the ones about mount everest and cliff.
- I'm not sure faith can move mountains... But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers.
- Why are mountains so funny? Because they are hill areas.
I'll show myself out - Why do you never play hide & seek with mountains? Mountains peak.
- Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads? 'Scurvy
- How did the geologist get down the mountain? 'e rode
- The mountains aren't just funny, they're... Hill areas.
- I would look more like a mountain.. if I were so inclined.
- How did Harry Potter get down the mountain? Running!... JK, Rowling.
- Why don't pirates travel on mountain roads? 'Scurvy
- What happens if you kick a mountain? Krakatoa
- What do you call a mountain of puns? Mount Cleverest
- Mountain climbers do so much climbing Don't they Everest?
- Why did the hikers laugh at the mountains? Because they were hill areas
- How do weathermen get up a mountain? They climate
- Your momma so dumb she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Climbing Mountain Jokes
Here is a list of funny climbing mountain jokes and even better climbing mountain puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I tripped and fell while mountain-climbing... It all went down hill from there.
- People that climb mountains just follow a natural inclination.
- How does a reptile climb a mountain? It scales it
- I just climbed a mountain of fish, or you could say... I scaled it.
- While climbing barefoot up mountains to meditate, Ghandi would squeeze garlic into his mouth to deal with hunger pains from fasting super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis
- What do you call a mountain that you've never climbed. Mount neverest
- I finally cut ties with a so-called friend that was just dragging me down Mountain climbing with a friend is hard."
- Anyone heard of the fugawee native american tribe? Famous for being terrible navigators, would climb the highest mountains where ever they would travel, look around and yell "where the fugawee!!"
- A nervous mountaineer looks at the steep mountain... Which his guide had proposed to climb.
- Do people tumble down often here?
- No, the guide said, one time is usually enough. - [First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing. Her: That's great. What's the highest you've been?
Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave.
Mountain Climbing Jokes
Here is a list of funny mountain climbing jokes and even better mountain climbing puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why was it awkward to talk to the mountaineer? He liked to tell everyone when he was climb-axing.
- What has four legs, two horns, and always brags about climbing really tall things? A mountain gloat.
- I've never understood why people climb up mountains in the early hours of the day... ...and then it dawned on me...
- I tried climbing the tallest mountain in the world But I hardly ever rest
- I don't know what to think of mountain-climbing. It has it's ups and downs.
- Did you hear about the presidential candidate who died in an accident while mountain climbing? Yeah, his opponent won by a landslide!
- My mountain climbing partner's last words were wasted on giving me advice about toys I don't even have. "DON'T LEGO."
Odd. - Today somebody told me about a bear that climbs a mountain... ...But the story goes downhill from there.
- What did Ceasars say, when he wanted to go mountain climbing? K2 BRUTUS?
- I climbed a mountain yesterday Things were looking up until I got to the summit. It was all downhill from there.
Mountain Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny mountain man jokes and even better mountain man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Mistaken Identity A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: - "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?" - "I am not Master Ayumu."
- The wise Master Akira Up the mountain a japanese asked a wise man, "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we Japanese, all look alike?"
"I am not Master Akira" - Why couldn't the man be bothered to look at the origami mountains? *because it was pay-per view.*
"paper view" - Tourist: what's the weather like on top of the mountain? Local: I don't know man, climate.
- A man meets a woman at a bar and invites her back to his place... She says "I'm on my menstrual cycle".
He replies "Perfect! You can follow me on my mountain bike". - A man reached the top of the mountain and tells the sage atop it I seek one greater than the meaning of life itself. The sage replies 43.
- What's a feminist favorite Mountain? Mt. Kill-A-Man-Jaro
- Two Chinese men climbed a mountain While climbing one of them dropped their little radio into a ravine. The other man shouted "oh da ladio"...
And that's how yodelling was invented. - The world's strongest man was asked to perform a circumcision. They turned The Mountain into a mohel.
- Did you here about the man that died from eating Rocky Mountain Oysters?
The bull must have drug him a mile!
Mountain Climber Jokes
Here is a list of funny mountain climber jokes and even better mountain climber puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? Nothing! You can't cross a vector with a scaler.
(Great math joke that came up in Calculus the other day) - Why are climbers always depressed when they reach the top of the mountain? 'Cause it's all downhill from there.
- What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito? You can't. A mosquito is a vector and the mountain climber is a scaler.
Courtesy of my physics professor. - I heard we are doing math and science jokes! What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a tsetse fly? Nothing! You can't cross a scalar and a vector!
- Why are most mountain climbers hippies? Because scalars have no direction
(OC, as far as I know) - What do you get when you cross the Aedes egypti mosquito with a mountain climber? Nothing.
You can't cross a vector with a scaler. - What did the mountain climber name his horse? Everest. Any time he is bored I see him Mount Everest.
- Made in Thailand Have you heard of the mountain climber from Bangkok?
He became famous as the Thai of the Eiger.
~
Who won the election for mayor of Bangkok?
It was a Thai. - What is a mountain climber's favorite drink? Anything on the rocks.
- Someone told me a story of a mountain climber... It ended with a cliffhanger.
Mountain Bike Jokes
Here is a list of funny mountain bike jokes and even better mountain bike puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Dad! You can strike out the mountain bike on my wish list for christmas! Just found a brand new one in the basement!!!
- Why is there so much blood when I'm on my cycle? I'm never mountain biking again.
- What do you call a person who rides a mountain bike with smooth street tires? A bicyc-sual.
- I went mountain biking around around Iceland with a mate once... we got kicked out of the shop not long after though.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Mountain Jokes
What funny jokes about mountain you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean alps jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mountain pranks.
Two r**... flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two r**... survived the
c**....
After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"
Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
A man comes home from work
and tells his wife "Pack your bags, I just hit the lottery." His wife says "Oh that's wonderful. Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says "I don't care. Just get out."
Beer is good.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Since there have been a few math jokes lately...
Q1. What do you get if you cross a mountain lion with a mountain goat?
A1. ||mountain lion|| ||mountain goat|| sin θ
Q2. What do you get when you cross a mountain lion with a mountain climber?
A2. You can't - the mountain climber is a scalar.
Tonto and the Lone Ranger are walking up a mountain...
When all of a sudden they see a beautiful blonde coming down the mountain by horseback.
Tonto goes up to the woman and says, "Some"
The lone ranger looks at Tonto and says, "Tonto you idiot you're an Indian you are supposed to say HOW not SOME!!!"
Tonto Looks back at the Lone Ranger points at the woman and says, "No me know HOW, me want SOME."
What does the nfl and Broke Back Mountain have in common?
Cowboys that s**....
A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"
A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."
He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, c**... it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.
Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"
Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."
Winning the lottery
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
A black man and a white man are arguing about whether God is black or white
They decided to climb to the top of the tallest mountain and call out to God with the hopes of getting a response.
"God! Are you white or black?"
"I am who I am!" comes a booming response.
"See," says the white guy. "He is white!"
"Why would you assume that?!" asks the black guy. "He could just as easily be black!"
"If he was black, he would say, 'I is who I is."
Tour guide in the mountain
A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."
Why God never got a PhD
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
Thor
Thor goes out for a ride on his mighty war horse.
He rides all morning and afternoon until as the sun sets he is sat on the top of the highest mountain overlooking his entire domain.
He stands up on the horse and shouts "I AM THOR" and as his voice echoes through the valleys his horse replies:
"That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly"
A guy is standing in Times Square hitting two sticks together
A police man walks up to him, thinking he is crazy, and asks "what in the world are you doing?"
The man replies "I'm keeping the mountain lions away!"
The police man says "there's not a mountain lion within 1000 miles of here!"
The man grins "I know I'm doing a pretty good job, aren't I?"
You see that wall?
A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the others to follow him. He flies them to a huge mountainous wall 15 minutes away, and stops. He looks at the others and says,
'You see that wall?'
And they all exciteldy repeat, 'Yea yea, we see it!'
He says again, 'Do you really see that wall?'
They all say again in anticipation, 'Yea yea we see it!'
'Well I didn't!'
The night before the wedding
The bride-to-be and her bridesmaids were giggling over tequila and strawberry daiquiris at the bachelorette party. The maid of honor started a game of truth or dare.
"If your boyfriend were a soda, what would he be?" she slurred at the other bridesmaid.
"7-Up, because he's got seven inches and he can keep it up. What about you?"
"Mountain Dew. He knows how to mount and do me. And what about the future Mrs. Johnson? What kind of soda is Matt?"
"Jack Daniels," said the bride proudly.
"But that's not a soda! Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!" protested her friends.
The bride looked at them and said, "Girls, why do you think I'm marrying him?"
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."
In honor of the Powerball
A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"
A hero comes to a village...
The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our v**... girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.
Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.
Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).
First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."
Second woman: "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew, because when he's mountin' me, he knows what to do."
Third woman: "Well my husband is like Jack Daniels."
First woman: "That's not a soft drink!"
Third woman: "I know, but he's a hard l**...."
A man wins the lottery...
A man wins the lottery, jumps in to his car and goes home in a hurry, screeching in to his driveway. He leaps out and runs in to his house and yells to his wife upstairs "I've won the lottery! I've won the lottery! Quick, pack up your suitcase, I've won the lottery!" His wife is yells down "Woohoo! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" The husband replies "I don't care, just get out!"
Why do mountains make people laugh?
Because they're hill-areas!
Whats fat on the bottom, skinny on the top, and has ears?
Mountains!
...what? You've never head of mountaineers?
The Lost Bible
One day a devout preacher lost his favorite Bible while he was at a spiritual retreat in the mountains. He was devastated, and began to lose his faith. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him after church service, carrying the Bible in its mouth. The preacher couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the dog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the dog. "Your name is written inside the cover."
The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner
A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.
The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.
The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.
The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"
Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.
"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"
-- "Yes, I'm alive."
"Did you break your legs?"
-- "No, my legs are fine."
"Did you break your arms?
-- "No, they're OK."
"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"
-- "I can't."
"Why not?"
-- "I'm still falling."
A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might
The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."
God said to Gabriel:
"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"
"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"
"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"
What do you call a wheelchair-bound nun who lives high up on a mountain?
A) High roller
B) v**... mobile
C) Nun of the above
How to tell whether someone is an idiot
Doctor, how can you tell whether someone is an idiot, even if he looks normal to you?
For that, we have special questions.
Can you name an example?
Mountaineer Brown climbed Mount Everest three times but he was killed during one of these ascents. Can you tell me which one?
But doctor, that surely won't work for people like me who know nothing about mountaineering.
Faith may not be able to move mountains
But I've seen the impact it has on buildings.
I've spent three sleepless nights trying to think of a mountain pun.
I'm starting to think I won't Everest.
Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson
On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.
A guy prays to god. please let me win the lottery .
Nothing happens and the next week he prays again I really need the money, please let me win the lottery .
Another week passes and still nothing so he goes to the top of a mountain and screams out if I don't win the lottery, I'm going to jump! . And then he hears a booming voice...
Buy a ticket!
The teacher announces the total for an exam.
Teacher: Okay class, only John got 99/100
John:(to his classmates) Ha! See that?! You people are oozing with stupidity. You people should've followed my example. You guys should just shine shoes for a living or just live the rest of your lives as a mountain hermit. You can all drool at my excellence and you-
Teacher: The rest got 100.
A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.
The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"
"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.
"How'd you manage that?"
"Twelve trips."
How do mountains see?
They peak.
Jesus and Muhammad were having an intense debate about which of their religions is stronger.
My faith moved mountains, exclaimed Jesus.
Yes, agreed Muhammad, but mine moved skyscrapers.
What do you call a herd of sheep tumbling down a mountain?
A lambslide.
Why are mountains always tired?
Because they don't Everest.
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
What do you get when you cross a bear with a mountain lion?
Killed. You get killed.
A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain
While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calories of food a day". The American waiting for his turns goes and says "in the us army we are fed 8000 calories a day". At that point, the Russian jumps up and yells at the American "NON SENSE. NO ONE CAN EAT THAT MUCH CABBAGE IN ONE DAY".
Sensei, I've been training for years, and I'm not getting any stronger. What's going on?
Have you seen the flock of cranes fly over the old mountain at sunrise?
Yes.
Have you seen the great lightning storms crack the sky before making way for a rainbow?
Yes.
Have you seen the fabled tiger as it hunts prey in the forest, quicker than the eye can see?
Yes, Sensei.
That's the problem. You keep watching s**... s**... instead of practicing!
A truck driver reverses down a mountain road
A policeman stops him and asks: "Why are you driving up backwards?"
Driver replies: "My boss said there's no place to turn around."
A little later the truck comes back down, again in reverse.
The policeman asks: "Why are you reversing down now?"
The driver replies: "The boss is an idiot - I could turn around!"
Long ago in a far away land,
A hero comes upon a village. The villagers all look very upset, so the hero asks what happened.
"There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it comes down and eats one of our v**... girls" one of the villagers replies.
The hero then promises to help with their predicament and gets to work.
In three weeks' time, the dragon starved to death.
What did the mountain lion say when it had to f**...?
Puma finger.
Why do mountain ranges make such good comedians?
Because they're HILL-AREAS!
Traditional jokes from my childhood #3
A group of friends were hiking a mountain and were planning on having a picnic up there..
One of the friends stutters a lot on the starts of sentences... On the way up he kept saying "w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-" until they made it to the top of the mountain he was finally able to say "We forgot our food", everyone got mad and sad and started their way back down.
The joke doesn't end here... on the way down he kept saying "J-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j..." until they made it to where they had parked their car he was finally able to say "Just kidding".
What does a mountain and tea have in common?
They both steep.
What do you call it when you tell a joke on top of a mountain?
Peak comedy.
Computer Programmer and Mechanic Driving
A computer programmer and a mechanic were driving down a steep mountain slope. The brakes stop working. The car careens out of control and scrapes the guard rails. They make it safely to the bottom of the mountain and pull over. After recovering, the mechanic says, "The brakes must have gone out." The programmer says, "Lets turn the car off, back on, drive it up the mountain and see if it is repeatable."
A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared…..
…. readyto devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.
The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, "Dear God, bless you for this food I'm about to receive."
Why didn't anyone hear Helen Keller when she fell off a mountain?
Because she was wearing mittens
Not just anyone can work at the Mountain Dew factory
You gotta have a can dew attitude.