mountain Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious mountain puns

Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

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A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

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Why are mountains so funny?

Because they are hill areas.





I'll show myself out

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What does the NFL have in common with Brokeback Mountain?

The Cowboys suck.

*(I am a Dallas Cowboys fan, but I don't lack a sense of humor.)*

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Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

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Winning the lottery

A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!
The wife says, Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?
The husband yells back, It doesn't matter… just get the fuck out!

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A guy is standing in Times Square hitting two sticks together

A police man walks up to him, thinking he is crazy, and asks "what in the world are you doing?"
The man replies "I'm keeping the mountain lions away!"
The police man says "there's not a mountain lion within 1000 miles of here!"
The man grins "I know I'm doing a pretty good job, aren't I?"

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Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?".
The barman says, "It's a Moose." The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill...

...Ruth hits a tree. Johnny continues, ruthlessly.

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Since there have been a few math jokes lately...

Q1. What do you get if you cross a mountain lion with a mountain goat?

A1. ||mountain lion|| ||mountain goat|| sin ΞΈ


Q2. What do you get when you cross a mountain lion with a mountain climber?

A2. You can't - the mountain climber is a scalar.

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Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads?

'Scurvy

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What do you call a wheelchair-bound nun who lives high up on a mountain?

A) High roller
B) Virgin mobile
C) Nun of the above

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How did the geologist get down the mountain?

'e rode

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A piece of tarmac was arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!" 2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner. A hush falls over the bar. Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace. "Hey guys, whose the hardest?" "We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

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Winning the lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

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Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.

"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"

-- "Yes, I'm alive."

"Did you break your legs?"

-- "No, my legs are fine."

"Did you break your arms?

-- "No, they're OK."

"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"

-- "I can't."

"Why not?"

-- "I'm still falling."

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I would look more like a mountain..

if I were so inclined.

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How did Harry Potter get down the mountain?

Running!... JK, Rowling.

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The teacher announces the total for an exam.

Teacher: Okay class, only John got 99/100

John:(to his classmates) Ha! See that?! You people are oozing with stupidity. You people should've followed my example. You guys should just shine shoes for a living or just live the rest of your lives as a mountain hermit. You can all drool at my excellence and you-

Teacher: The rest got 100.

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Tour guide in the mountain

A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."

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The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner

A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.

The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.

The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.

The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"

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A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"

A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."

He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, chugs it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.

Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"

Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."

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A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might

The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."

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Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.

Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).

First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."

Second woman: "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew, because when he's mountin' me, he knows what to do."

Third woman: "Well my husband is like Jack Daniels."

First woman: "That's not a soft drink!"

Third woman: "I know, but he's a hard licker."

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What does the NFL and Broke Back Mountain have in common?

Cowboys that suck.

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What do you call a mountain of puns?

Mount Cleverest

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The night before the wedding

The bride-to-be and her bridesmaids were giggling over tequila and strawberry daiquiris at the bachelorette party. The maid of honor started a game of truth or dare.

"If your boyfriend were a soda, what would he be?" she slurred at the other bridesmaid.

"7-Up, because he's got seven inches and he can keep it up. What about you?"

"Mountain Dew. He knows how to mount and do me. And what about the future Mrs. Johnson? What kind of soda is Matt?"

"Jack Daniels," said the bride proudly.

"But that's not a soda! Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!" protested her friends.

The bride looked at them and said, "Girls, why do you think I'm marrying him?"

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This piece of tarmac is arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!"
2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner.
A hush falls over the bar.
Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace.
"Hey guys, whose the hardest?"
"We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

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3 Guys on a mountain (My go to joke)

3 Guys just climbed the the highest mountain in the Swiss Alps and they see an old man dressed in rags standing near the the cliff on the opposite side...

The old man says *"Welcome to the Magical Mountain... This mountain will allow you to transform into anything you wish! Just run and jump off this cliff and in the air YELL what you want to turn into! Just like this..."* he runs and jumps and yells "**FALCON**"... he magically turns into a falcon and flies away!

The 3 guys were amazed and all decided to try.

The 1st guy runs and jumps and yells "**EAGLE**"... he magically turns into an eagle and flies away!

The 2nd guy runs and jumps and yells "**OWL**"... he magically turns into an owl and flies away!

The 3rd guy runs and right before he jumps he trips on a rock and yells "**SHIT**"

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Another Irish joke involving beer

While attending the World Beer Conference, the CEOs of Anhueser-Busch, Coors, and Guiness went out to eat together. When the waitress asked them what they would like to drink, the CEO of Anhueser-Busch replied, "Get me a Budweiser, the king of beers!" Not to be outdone, the Coors CEO told her, "I want a Coors. It's as refreshing as a Rocky Mountain spring!" The waitress turned to the Guiness CEO, who ordered a Diet Coke. Surprised, his companions asked why he hadn't ordered a Guiness. Smiling, he told them, "I figured if you fellows weren't going to have a beer, I shouldn't either."

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After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox...

After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox get together and each tells how they spent the winter.

The mountain lion says, "I spent my winter in a pigpen, and each day I ate a pig. The owner counted the pigs, saw that some were missing, and set a trap from which I barely escaped."

The wolf says, "I spent my winter in a henhouse. Each day I ate two hens. The owner counted the hens, brought out his shotgun, and I almost got shot."

The fox says, "I spent my winter at a construction site where there were lots of Mexicans. Nobody counts those bastards."

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The world's greatest swordsman

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap. The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in two pieces.

The young man says, "Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world."

The old man says, "No. Further up the mountain is a swordsman greater than I."

So the young man climbs up the mountain to another ledge where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.

The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in three pieces.

The young man says, "Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world."

The old man says, "No. At the top of this mountain is the greatest swordsman."

So the young man climbs up to the top of the mountain, where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.

The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly buzzes away.

"What's going on," the young man yells. "I thought you were supposed to be the greatest swordsman in the world. You couldn't even kill that fly."

"No," the old man says. "That fly is not dead. But that fly will never again father children."

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A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.

"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

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Three gay guys walk into a crematorium.

Three gay guys walk into a crematorium. While waiting, they start talking with one another and discover that each of their partners have died and are being cremated. They then start discussing where they plan on placing their loved ones' ashes.

The first guy says, "Yeah my Tom and I loved to go hiking, so I'm gonna spread his ashes on top of a mountain."

The second man says, "My husband proposed to me on the beach, so I'm gonna spread his ashes in the ocean."

After a moment, the last man says, "Yeah my man just really loved to fuck. He just loved to go at it, so I'm gonna mix his ashes into a bowl of chili so he can destroy my ass one more time."

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How do weathermen get up a mountain?

They climate

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What are the most funny Mountain jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mountain? Well, here are the best Mountain dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mountain pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes