motions Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious motions puns

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.

GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

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How tall is a penguin?

A man rushes into a bar and screams at the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender looks at him weirdly and says, "Excuse me?"

The man repeats, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender motions with his hands. "Uh, about this high."

The color drains from the man's face as he says, "Oh shit I just ran over a nun."

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A woman walks into a convenience store...

"I need four D batteries," she says.

The cashier nods and motions to her with a finger. "Come this way."

"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries!"

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A lady goes into a jewelry store.....

... and as she bends over to look at a diamond ring she accidentally lets one rip.

Hoping that no one had noticed she motions the salesman over and asks him for the price on the ring.

He looks her square in the eye, grins and said " Lady, if you farted just looking at it then you will shit yourself when I tell you the price

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A woman walks into a drugstore....

She asks the druggist if they have vibrators. The druggist motions with is finger and says... "Come this way". The woman look at him disgustedly and says... "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the damn vibrator!"

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A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.

Out of soup. says the officer in charge and waves him aside.

The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.

The officer motions to the guards and they wrestle the ranting man away. As they shove him outside, one says to the man:

Back then we could've shot you in the snow, comrade.

The man goes back home to his wife. She sees him looking glum as he walks in and asks:

Ran out of soup again?

Even worse, he replied. They ran out of bullets.

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An American tourist is at the beach....

in the French Riviera. He is wearing his usual surfer trunks with the drawstring front. He immediately notices that all of the beautiful women are making faces of disgust at him.

As he passes a beach wear store, the clerk motions for him to come inside. The clerk tells him that his trunks are a no-no for the French Riviera, and suggests a black speedo. He puts it on, and the clerk takes one look and tells him to buy a potato and put it down the suit to impress the ladies.

The tourist comes back shortly and tells the clerk that the women not only look at him in disgust, but one actually threw up as he walked by her. The clerk tells him "the potato is supposed to go down the front of the suit!"

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Hearing problems

So a guy is going down the express way, and sees a lot of flashing lights, pulls over. The officer motions him to roll down his window and he says:

-Sir, do you realize that your wife fell out of the car, a mile back?

And he says:

-Oh thank god! I thought I was going deaf!

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A little man walks into a bar, and on the way in he steps in a pile of dog shit...

He totally wipes out and lands on his ass. He gets up and dusts himself off and continues into the bar.

A few minutes later a big guy is walking into the same bar and also steps in the same plie of dog shit and also wipes out. Same as the little guy, he gets up and dusts himself off and continues into the bar. He sits down besides the little guy. The little guy motions to the pile of dog shit by the door, "I just did that!" he exclaims...the big guy punches him in the mouth.

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A father has three sons. One is an accountant, one is an engineer and the other is a lawyer...

The father asks each of his three sons the same question, "what does two plus two equal?"

The accountant son answers, "four point zero zero."

The engineer son answers "somewhere between 3.9999 and 4.0001."

Finally, the father asks his son the lawyer "what does two plus two equal?". The lawyer pulls his father into the other room and closes the door. He then closes the blinds and motions for his father to come into the corner. He whispers, "what do you want it to equal?"

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A Man in Vegas

A man takes a trip to Vegas. After a night of gambling he loses all of his money. Broke and penniless, he tries desperately to find a cab to the airport, so he can get home with the little money he has left. The man gets in a cab outside the casino and says to the driver "I don't have any money left, could you please just give me a simple ride to the airport?" "screw you!" says the cab driver as he motions the man out of his car. A few years pass, the same man comes back out to Vegas and wins it big. He walks out of the casino to get a cab, and what does he see? The very same cab driver from a few years back at the end of a long line of taxis. The man decides its time for his revenge. He walks up to the first cab and says "How much to the airport?" "Fifteen bucks" says the first driver, "And how much for you to jerk me off when we get there?" The cab driver tells him to get away. The man walks down the line of cabs doing the exact same thing to each of them. He gets to the last cab, the driver that had made him walk all the way to the airport a few years back. "How much for a ride to the airport?" He asks calmly. The cab driver obviously doesn't remember him and responds normally "Fifteen dollars" "Ok" says the man, and he gets in the cab. The cab pulls away from the curb slowly, and as the man drives by all the other cab drivers he gives them a thumbs up and a big smile.

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My Sadie

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.
One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"
"What Dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck."

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There was a horse who was a genius at arithmetic...

...which it learned with no difficulty. Algebra was a breeze, and it could even prove theorems in Euclidean geometry. However, when someone tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously, neigh loudly, and make violent head motions in resistance.

The moral of this story is that you can't put Descartes before the horse.

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I often wonder if people at work can tell I'm using Tinder just by my hand motions...

but then I realize they probably don't care WHY I'm masturbating.

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A panda walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She comes over and talks to the panda, and eventually the two of them go back to her place.
After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.
"For what?" says the panda.
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary.
It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

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A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

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A man runs a red light and a cop begins to chase him...

The cop has his lights and siren on, but the man won't pull over. The cop yells through his megaphone to pull over, but still the man continues to drive.

Finally, the cop pulls along side the driver and motions for him to pull over. The driver pulls to the side and stops.

The police officer jumps out of his car and comes up to the driver's window. "Why didn't you stop when I turned on my siren?" he demanded.

"I'm very sorry officer, but my wife left me last week," said the man.

"What's that got to do with anything?" asked the cop.

"Well, she left me for a cop. I was worried you were trying to return her to me."

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THE DEACON'S LAST & FINAL WORDS

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.

The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.

At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."

The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

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So I went in for my yearly physical...

The nurse went through the regular motions. Then it came time for me to drop my pants and turn my head and cough. While she's examining me, she exclaims "You really should quit masturbating". I asked her why, and if something was wrong, and she responded "Yes, I'm trying to give you an exam!"

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A Magician hypnotizes seven men...

A magician calls out that he needs seven volunteers from the audience.

As expected, multiple members of the audience raise their hands.

He picks out seven men from the crowd, and as expected they come up on stage, and the Magician proceeds to hypnotize all seven of the men.

He motions to speak into the microphone once more, but the chord gets snagged on one of the guy's shoes and ultimately drops onto the magician's foot.

In pain, he cries out "Fuck me!".

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my days.

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WALKS INTO A BAR... RANDY PANDA

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary.

It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

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Panda's tale

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money,"she says. The panda says "for what?" the woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says "I don't have to pay you I'm a panda look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up the word "Panda" in the dictionary and it reads "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

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A businessman in China (mild nsfw)

A businessman in China to meet the CEO of a major corporation decided to loosen up the day before his big meeting by having a call girl come to his room. They are going through the motions and towards the end she exclaims " ding bao, ding bao!"
Afterwards he asked her what that meant, in a shy voice she said that it meant "excellent!"
The next day his meeting went so well that the CEO invited him to a round of golf. The CEO sank a hole in one on the second hole. Thinking it would make him seem cultured, the businessman exclaimed "Ding Bao, sir!".

The CEO paused, looked at him befuddled, and asked "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

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A Jewish and Russian soldier come under heavy fire...

As both engage the enemy the Jewish soldier is struck with a bullet and mortally wounded.

The Russian soldier continues to return fire and hold back the enemy, eventually however his ammo is spent.
He looks to his Jewish comrade and says I cannot hold them back, I'm out of ammunition

The Jew, struggling to keep his eyes open motions the Russian over. Here he says you can buy some of mine .

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The circle

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

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A bear walks into a bar.

He sits down, and motions over the bartender.

Bartender says hey, man, what'll ya have?

Bear says I would like a....................beer.

Sure. But why the long pause?

I don't know, I've had them since I was a cub.

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A Texas Trooper pulls over a city boy

As he walks up to the car, he sees the window is up. he taps on the glass, and the window comes slowly down. The music is so loud, he can't make himself understood, so he motions to turn the music down.
The driver does, and says "what do you want, asshole?"
The cop pulls his nightstick and begins waling on the driver. Finally the guy begs him to stop and becomes very cooperative. After writing the ticket, the cop walks over to the passenger window. As soon as he is there the window rolls down quickly and the passenger says "How can I help you, Sir?"
The cop begins waling on the passenger. the passenger starts screaming and says "why did you do that?"
The cop says "I am making your wish come true."
Passenger replies "What? What wish??"
The cop replies "we all know you were going to get about a mile down that road and you would tell your friend "I wish that motherfucker had tried to hit **ME** with that stick!"

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A woman sits beside her dying husband

He motions for her to come close; he's barely sighing.

She knows these are his last words, so she leans in:

"Six months after I die, I want you to marry Ben."

Confused, she says, "I'll do anything for you, Mitch,

but I don't get it... I thought you hated that little bitch."

And with his dying breath, he said, "I do."

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A Young Driver Gets Pulled Over

The police officer comes to his window.
"I pulled you over because you didn't have a seatbelt on"

The driver replies:
"Excuse me officer, I did."

He motions to his seatbelt, fastened. The officer looks unconvinced.

"You did not have that on when I passed you"

The young driver pulls out his phone.

"I did officer, I just took a Snapchat of it."

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A forester and a Lawyer die...

So a Forester and a Lawyer die and go to heaven. They're greeted at the gates by their guide. He motions for them to follow and leads them down a beautiful, gold washed path. At the end of the path they reach a solid gold mansion, glittering in the sun. The Guide turns to the Lawyer and says,"This is where you will spend eternity. We hope it's to your liking." The Lawyer thanks him profusely and enters the mansion.

The guide motions to the Forester and they move on down a beautiful cobble street. They keep going. They pass by giant Victorian neighborhood and still keep going. They pass a regular suburb, then a trailer park, then shacks. Finally they end up on a barely visible dirt path where they reach a lean-to. The guide says,"This is where you will spend eternity. We hope you like it."

The Forester stops the guide and says,"Why do I get the lean-to? I was good my whole life. I never did anything bad. Why does the other guy get a solid gold mansion?"

The guide looks shocked as he replies,"Sir, we get Foresters all the time. That was the first Lawyer we have ever had."

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Horse in a bar.

A horse stumbles into a bar and without pause goes to the bartender. The bartender looks up from cleaning the counter and nods to the horse and motions for him to take a stool.

The horse does so, but decides to remain where he is anyway, so the bartender asks him 'What will it be?'

The horse ponders this for a moment, snuffles at the bartenders hair, and finally whinnies as he makes his selection.

"A shot and a fifth of whiskey, please."

The bartender raises an eyebrow before figuring it out, and calmly reaches under the bar, pulls out a rifle and shoots the horse, who dies on the spot.

The bartender stows the rifle, much to the awe of the other patrons, and proceeds to take a pull directly from a bottle of whiskey before applauding.

One of the regulars waves the bartender over, confusion evident on his face, and asks the bartender what that was all about, to which the bartender replies,

"Oh, he wanted to be an actor so he could pretend to be human, so they told him to break a leg. Fool horse should have known better."

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A Panda Walls into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

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The milkman

A milkman is on his normal route. One of his regular customers, a gorgeous woman, opens the door in nothing but a sheer nightie. she motions for him to come inside. Which he happily does. She leads him into the bathroom where she disrobes and gets into the bathtub. She tells him she has always had a fantasy about bathing in milk.
"Do you want that milk to be pasteurized?" He asks
"No" she replies, "just up to my tits is fine"

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A bear walks into a bar...

He bruskly orders a beer.

Barkeep blares, "We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi."

Bear replies, "Barkeep, please; just a beer..."

"We don't. Serve beers. To bears. In Biloxi."

Bear bends in, motions barkeep to do the same, "You see that woman at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a beer, I'll kill her and eat her up."

Barkeep looks a bit bewildered, but replies, "You do what you gotta do. We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi."
Bear stands up, kills and eats the woman. He returns to the barkeep.

Before the bear can say anything the barkeep raises a hand and says, "... And we don't serve drug addicts either."

It's the bear's turn to look bewildered, "What do you mean drug addict?"

Barkeep looks bemused, "We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi and that," motioning to what remained of the woman, "was a bar-bitch-you-ate."

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A blonde was speeding down the highway...

A blonde was speeding down the highway and didn't notice the police officer with his lights on behind her.

Getting fed up with simply following the blonde down the road the officer pulls up next to her, rolls down his window, and motions for her to do the same.

As soon as the blonde's window is down, the officer points to the side of the road and yells "PULL OVER!!!"

The blonde looks down and then confusedly back at the officer. "No.." she yells, "CARDIGAN!!"

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What are the most funny Motions jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Motions? Well, here are the best Motions dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Motions pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes