Mother Jokes
165 mother jokes and hilarious mother puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mother that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Ready for a laugh? Check out this collection of hilarious mother jokes featuring everything from mother nature to mother in law and everything in between. Read classic jokes like “What do you call Johnny’s mother in the morning? Momma,” to delightfully zany jokes about the relationship between stepmoms and the rest of the family.
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Funniest Mother Short Jokes
Short mother jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mother humour may include short mamma jokes also.
- The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day! - I changed the tags of my mother's herb jars. She hasn't notice it yet.. But the thyme is cumin
- My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places.... 24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
- I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law. Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
- Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another. I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
- My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."
- I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf... So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girl friend is disabled. Now we wait. - Why was the little ink drop crying? His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.
- My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
- These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says " I can't stand my mother in law". The other says " so , just eat the potatoes".
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Mother One Liners
Which mother one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mother? I can suggest the ones about mama and mommy.
- My mother used to tuck me in every night She always wanted a girl :(
- My father is cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So i am...... .....
an Ice Cube
Cred: Russell Peters - A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.
- Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? How I bought your mother
- Why does Oedipus hate profanity? He kisses his mother with that mouth.
- If Joe Biden's wife is called the First Lady, then what do you call his mother? joe mama
- Once you go black... ..you become a single mother.
^^^sorry - I ate a kids meal in McDonald's this morning. His mother was furious.
- Why is mother always right? Cause dad's left.
- I was a stillborn child My mother didn't want me but I was still born
- Why is Oedipus against swearing? He kisses his mother with that mouth!
- What is with 2016? It's like everyone and their mothers are dying.
^^sorry ^^not ^^sorry - How does a black mother tell her children apart? She remembers them by their last names.
- Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday.
- What's the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Your Mother Jokes
Here is a list of funny your mother jokes and even better your mother puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 50s Soviet joke Who is your mother?
Our great Soviet country.
Who is your father?
Our dear comrade Stalin.
What's your greatest desire?
Becoming an orphan. - If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"
-Credit goes to my mother
- - I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
- What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity? She grounded him.
- Mom asks, "Are you going to take me out to a restaurant for Mother's Day?" Kid replies, "We have food at home"
- This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom. He said it was the best trade he's ever made
- My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother.. We couldn't come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.
- Your mother has been with us for 20 years, said John. Isn't it time she got a place of her own? My mother? replied Helen. I thought she was *your* mother.
- I was walking down the street with my wife.. And i saw my mother in law being beaten up by six men, when my wife asked "Aren't you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough."
From Les Dawson. - My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it." Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.
Mother In Laws Jokes
Here is a list of funny mother in laws jokes and even better mother in laws puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Diana!" I said, greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door... She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah, I know." - If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose... would you go to lunch or a movie?
- My wife thinks that I don't care for her relatives. I told her that's not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
- My mother in law was getting beaten up by four guys and my wife shouted "Go Help", to which I replied "four should be enough".
- My mother in law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay? Just until I start getting on your nerves, she replied.
Oh, so you won't even stay for a coffee? - My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea. She won't find out until she unpacks her luggage.
- I Wasn't Too Keen On The Idea Of Gay Parenting Until I met my wife, who was raised by two dads. That's when I came to my senses and realized.. NO MOTHER-IN-LAW!
- "Where's your mother in law?" - "She's in the garden."
- "Where? I can't see her."
- "You have to dig a little." - What do you call mixed emotions? Watching your mother-in-law reverse off a cliff in your brand new car
- My Mother in Law fell down a wishing well I was amazed. I never knew they worked.
Mother In Law Jokes
Here is a list of funny mother in law jokes and even better mother in law puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why Did the mother in law cross the road? She thought it was a boundary.
- I bought my mother in law a chair for her birthday... But my wife wouldn't let me plug it in.
- My mother-in-law fell down our well last week but she is fine she stopped crying for help 2 days ago
- A man and his wife drove past the beautiful countryside... They saw a pig, rolling in the mud, so wife said: "Your relative?"
Man replied: "Yes, mother-in-law." - If your ex wife, and ex mother in law were drowning and you could only save one.. What kind of sandwich would you make?
- For the past six years I've been trying to find my mother-in-law's killer... ...but nobody wants the job.
(Courtesy of Steve Pemberton & Reece Shearsmith) - Have a daughter named after my mother in law Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week
- My mother-in-law just asked for "bath stuff" for her birthday She seemed unimpressed with the toaster I bought her
- If a tiger was attacking your wife and mother in law at the same time and you could save one, who would it be? The tiger of course. There are only a few left 🐯
- What is the punishment for polygamy in the United States? Multiple mothers-in-law.
Daughter Mother Jokes
Here is a list of funny daughter mother jokes and even better daughter mother puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I remember when my mother would tuck me in She really wanted a daughter
(taken from a front page meme) - A mother was tucking her son in one night she really wanted a daughter
- A girl wants to do a sleepover at her friend's house. Her mom: you'll be sleeping in different rooms right?
Daughter: Mom! I'm 12.
Mother: and I'm 24 - A father goes to pick his daughter up from school There is another mother waiting there
She asks, "Are you expecting a child?"
The father replies with, "No, this is just from beer " - My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
- My daughter asked where her names comes from I told her: well, there are two things keeping your mother and I's marriage together, and they are both named Brandy.
- Mother of my girlfriend invited me to dinner at their house On the question: "What is your favourite food?", "your daughter" is wrong answer.
- Why won't the mother deodorant let her daughter carry a bag? Because she is an anti-purse-parent.
- The 3rd child asked her mother Did you want a daughter or a son when I was born?
Mom angrily:
I wanted neither.
I just wanted a towel from your father while having bath! - My daughter came downstairs in a short skirt. I said, "You aren't wearing that to school."
"Why not?" she asked moodily.
I said, "Because I want your mother to try it on later."
Mother Daughter Jokes
Here is a list of funny mother daughter jokes and even better mother daughter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My dream is to marry into a family of lawyers, Open a law firm with my husbands mom, and call it Mother and daughter in law
- What did a blonde's mother tell her blonde daughter? If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.
- 4 legged table joke Q: At a four-legged table, there is one grandma, two mothers, two daughters and a granddaughter. How many legs are under the table?
A: There are 10 legs under the table in total. - What is another way to say "chicken omlette"? Mother-Daughter reunion
- Why were Father Fish and Mother Fish sad? Their daughter died while hooking.
- Dark (Netflix Series) I showed it to my daughter
.
.
.
.
.
Now is she is my mother.
PS: it was a comment on YouTube, i laughed pretty hard at it, thought i should share. - Kids helping mom. Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces. - Mother and Daughter Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow? - We have mothers-in-law, fathers-in-law, sons-in-law and daughters-in-law, but what is the wife? The law.
- South Asian Paradox Daughter: Mom, why don't you let me talk with boys?
Mother: You'll get it when you'll become a mother.
Daughter: How will I become a mother if you don't let me talk with boys?
Hilarious Mother Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about mother you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean daughter jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mother pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a v**...."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are s**...?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're s**.... Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb?
"No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."
Little boy in custody battle.
Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I said to my girlfriend.....
I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly r**...."
What fun that was...
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Mother's Day
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
Two men are walking down the street
When they see 3 guys across the road beating up an older woman. Fred turns to George and says
"Hey, isn't that your mother in law over there?"
"So it is." replies George
"Well aren't you going to help?!" Fred asked.
"Nah," George replied, "I think 3 should be enough"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
One day the youngest son asks his mother, "Mom, why do I look so different from all my siblings?"....
The mother says "Son, from what I remember about that party, you are lucky that you don't bark".
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood...
she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a mother who had three daughters...
...one day the first daughter walks up and asks,
"Mommy, why am I named Rose?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head."
She walks away. Then the second walks up and says,
"Mommy, why am I named Daisy?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head."
She walks away. Then third walks up and says,
"DURRUGFLARGLERDAAARGGGH!!!"
"It's ok Cinderblock. I still love you."
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...
She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...
The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones"
So a finch asks his mother...
"Mom, why does my beak look different than yours?"
She replies, "Well son, I hate to break it to you, but you're adapted."
A guy takes his date to the carnival...
....and asks his date what she wants to do. She replies "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the Guess Your Weight booth and continue their date.
They go on a few more rides and again he asks her what she wants to do. "I wanna get weighed" she says once again. So they get her weighed again and go one a few more rides and then he takes her home.
When she gets home, her mother asks her how her date went.
She replied, "Wousy"
I heard the kid who fell into the gorilla pit was actually trying to get the jewelry his mother dropped.
He didn't get the gold but he got the silver back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their p**...?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Scotsman moves to London
How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps b**... his head on the wall.
Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.
Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having s**....
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."
My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight....
The viewing is at 7pm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mother Teresa lived to 87. Do you know how much s**... she had in all those years?
Nun.
What's in a name?
A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"
"DeNephew."
A woman searches for something in the living room.
After an hour, worried, she asks her husband:
- Have you seen my book?
- Which one?
- How to live to become 100 years old.
- Ah yes. Yesterday, i threw it away.
- But why?
- Your mother started reading it...
A boy wrote Santa: "please send me a sister".
Santa wrote back: "Alright, send me your mother".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus
The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to s**... on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."
An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"
Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Anagram of "mother in law"
Woman h**...
A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate
He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,
"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"
"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.
As the boy begins to cry the mother says,
"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"
A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.
She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My husband called and asked if I could be n**... before he gets home from work...
...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland?
Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.
Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!
The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.
Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?
Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.
Mother: Will he be okay?
Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little c**...-eyed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took my mother in law out today
I love being a s**...
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 7 year old girl
A 7 year old girl was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " s**...: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at s**... that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.
A young boy is bathing with his mother
Boy says, Whats that hairy thing mom?
Mom replies, That is my sponge.
Oh yes, says the boy, The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it.
A student receives a bad grade on his exam
And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.
He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"
The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".
The student comes home, and his mother asks him "so how did the exam go?". He replies: "the teacher thought it was remarkable!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office
Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.
The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become s**...."
The doctor says in reply "Well how do you suppose that would happen?"
"Well I don't know for sure but he hasn't passed a single test since he was vaccinated last year."
"Ah-ha! That's it!"
"So it was the vaccines then?"
"No, it's genetic."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Son asks his dad the meaning of the word gay
Dad, what does gay mean?
Well, it can mean two things. It can mean that a man is attracted to another man. Or it could mean happy.
Dad, are you gay?
No son, I'm married to your mother.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his t**... and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.
His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.
The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot.
Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom got a s**... change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a s**... change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a s**... change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado-
Son: I'm adopted?!
Mother: No, you're adorable
Son: *sniffs* Thanks, mom
Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, Two plus six, that son of a b**... is eight...
Three plus seven, that son of a b**... is ten."
Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework.
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked her son to which he replied yes.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher what she is teaching in math class. The teacher said, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked if she was teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b**... is four.
Laughing, the teacher replied, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"
Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.
When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"
Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."
"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The son of a b**...
Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...
"2+5, the son of a b**... is 7"
"3+6, the son of a b**... is 9"
His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"
"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"
Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"
"Yes mom "
Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:
"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a b**... is 4?"
There was silence for a moment
Then the teacher started laughing :
"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."
***
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My 72-year-old mother just informed me that she's going to her first s**... party and doesn't know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, gender reveal, mom. It's called gender reveal .
Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.
He asks a student "Who is your father?
The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."
Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"
The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of True Korea, outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother."
Kim Jong applauses. "What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you're older?"
The student replies "An orphan."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish
1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a v**....
3. His mother thought he was God.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend once asked, if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?
I responded, pesticide
A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"
"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."
Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"
"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."
Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*
His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.
Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the t**..., and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your mothers so fat
They started calling her h**... at the s**... club for all the damage she did to the Poles.
A proud father has six children.
He always calls his wife "Mother of Six," to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mother of six, we're leaving now."
She replies, "Be right with you, father of four."
An Amish man and his son are at a mall.
They're taken aback as they look around. The son points to an elevator and asks his father, "What is that?" The man says, "I don't know, son, but let's watch." An old, fat woman gets on and the metal doors slide shut. A few moments later the doors slide open and a gorgeous young blonde gets off. The man turns to his son and says, "Go get your mother."
A man dies and arrives at Heaven
As he's standing at the Pearly Gates, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie, the hands on their clock move."
"Oh! Whose clock is that?" He says pointing.
"That's Mother Theresa's clock, it's hands have never moved."
"Wow! And whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock, it's hands have only moved twice."
The man asks, "Where is Boris Johnson's clock?"
St Peter replies, "We're using it as a ceiling fan"
