The Best 95 Mother Jokes

Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl :(

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

A little girl is attending her first wedding...

And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."

The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

I was walking down the street with my wife..

And i saw my mother in law being beaten up by six men, when my wife asked "Aren't you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough."
From Les Dawson.

One day the youngest son asks his mother, "Mom, why do I look so different from all my siblings?"....

The mother says "Son, from what I remember about that party, you are lucky that you don't bark".

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.

What did E.T.'s mother say when E.T. got home?

"Where on Earth have you been??!!"

**Thank you, I'll be here all night...

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

My son just said, "Dad, can you tell me what gay means?"

"It means to be happy," I replied.

"Are you gay, dad?"

"No, son. I married your mother"

A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...

It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"

"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."

A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones"

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

So a finch asks his mother...

"Mom, why does my beak look different than yours?"
She replies, "Well son, I hate to break it to you, but you're adapted."

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother

A guy takes his date to the carnival...

....and asks his date what she wants to do. She replies "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the Guess Your Weight booth and continue their date.

They go on a few more rides and again he asks her what she wants to do. "I wanna get weighed" she says once again. So they get her weighed again and go one a few more rides and then he takes her home.

When she gets home, her mother asks her how her date went.

She replied, "Wousy"

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school?

Mumbai!

Why does Oedipus hate profanity?

He kisses his mother with that mouth.

My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight....

The viewing is at 7pm.

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"

"DeNephew."

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"

"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

-Credit goes to my mother
-

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."

A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate

He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,

"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"

"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.

As the boy begins to cry the mother says,

"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work...

...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland?

Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

A 7 year old girl

A 7 year old girl was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " SEX: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at sex that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.

Son: Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

Dad: She's named after something your mother loves, Easter! It's an anagram.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Alan.

A young boy is bathing with his mother

Boy says, Whats that hairy thing mom?

Mom replies, That is my sponge.

Oh yes, says the boy, The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it.

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine

A student receives a bad grade on his exam

And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.

He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"

The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".

The student comes home, and his mother asks him "so how did the exam go?". He replies: "the teacher thought it was remarkable!'

A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office

Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.
The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."
The doctor says in reply "Well how do you suppose that would happen?"
"Well I don't know for sure but he hasn't passed a single test since he was vaccinated last year."
"Ah-ha! That's it!"
"So it was the vaccines then?"
"No, it's genetic."

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girl friend is disabled. Now we wait.

Son asks his dad the meaning of the word gay

Dad, what does gay mean?

Well, it can mean two things. It can mean that a man is attracted to another man. Or it could mean happy.

Dad, are you gay?

No son, I'm married to your mother.

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"

Having gay parents must be terrible

Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"

Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.

I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.

The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.

​

Doctor : Does it hurt?

Mother : Yes, a lot.

Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."

Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."

The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.

The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

Mom got a sex change operation

After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.

That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.

"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.

He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."

A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed

Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado-
Son: I'm adopted?!
Mother: No, you're adorable
Son: *sniffs* Thanks, mom
Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center

My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places....

24 years in to their marriage unfortunately

A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight...

Three plus seven, that son of a bitch is ten."

Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework.

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked her son to which he replied yes.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher what she is teaching in math class. The teacher said, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked if she was teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four.

Laughing, the teacher replied, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

I feel bad for children of gay couples.

They either suffer twice as many dad jokes or an endless cycle of ask your mother.

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn't come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."

Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"

"Yes mom "

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:

"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?"

There was silence for a moment

Then the teacher started laughing :

"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."

***

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of True Korea, outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother."

Kim Jong applauses. "What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you're older?"

The student replies "An orphan."

3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish

1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a virgin.
3. His mother thought he was God.

My friend once asked, if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?

I responded, pesticide

My father is Cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So i am......

.....


an Ice Cube

Cred: Russell Peters

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*

His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."

Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.

Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the testicles, and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.

Your mothers so fat

They started calling her Hitler at the strip club for all the damage she did to the Poles.

A proud father has six children.

He always calls his wife "Mother of Six," to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mother of six, we're leaving now."

She replies, "Be right with you, father of four."

An Amish man and his son are at a mall.

They're taken aback as they look around. The son points to an elevator and asks his father, "What is that?" The man says, "I don't know, son, but let's watch." An old, fat woman gets on and the metal doors slide shut. A few moments later the doors slide open and a gorgeous young blonde gets off. The man turns to his son and says, "Go get your mother."

My fondest Childhood memory was making Sand Castles with Grandma.

Until my mother hid the Urn.

A man dies and arrives at Heaven

As he's standing at the Pearly Gates, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie, the hands on their clock move."

"Oh! Whose clock is that?" He says pointing.

"That's Mother Theresa's clock, it's hands have never moved."

"Wow! And whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock, it's hands have only moved twice."

The man asks, "Where is Boris Johnson's clock?"

St Peter replies, "We're using it as a ceiling fan"

My favourite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandfather.

Until my mother hid his urn away from me.

Credit. Sandi Toksvig

My favourite childhood memory is building sand castles with my grandfather

Until my mother took the urn from me

If Joe Biden's wife is called the First Lady, then what do you call his mother?

Joe mama

Mummy, how was I born?

A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, Mummy, how was I born**?**

The mother smiled and replied:

Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth & I took care of it every single day.

After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.

So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom.

Vladimir Putin visits a school...

He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: "An orphan!".

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he of course refuses. Arriving back at the abbey, he happens upon the Mother Superior. Curiosity gets the better of him and he asks, "Mother...er...what's a naughty?

She replies "Two hundred dollars, just like in Kings Cross."

God the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit are going on vacation...

God the Father says "Let's vacation in Israel".

God the Son, Jesus, says "Too many bad memories there. Let's vacation in Berkeley."

God the Father says "I'm not into the Mother God, hippy vibe."

The Holy Spirit says "I know, let's go to Rome and visit The Vatican"

God the Father and Son ask - "Why?"

The Holy Spirit shrugs and replies "I've just never been there."

What do you call a tiny mother?

A minimum.

Two little kids.....

aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell.'

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. Aw, hell, says the eight-year-old, gimme some Cheerios. His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. What'll you have?

I dunno, quavers the six-year-old, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

Kid failing English

A kid is failing English, and the teacher sends multiple notes home requesting to speak with his parents but doesn't get a response. One Saturday, the teacher decides to stop by the kid's house. When she knocks on the door, the kid answers.

Teacher: "Hi, Johnny, can I speak to your mother?"

Kid: "She ain't home."

Teacher (frustrated): "Well can I speak to your father?"

Kid: "He ain't home."

Teacher (more frustrated): "Young man, where's your grammar?"

Kid: "She's in the kitchen bakin' cookies"

Medieval Yo Mama joke

Saw this joke today, it's from the 1400's

A young Florentine was going down to River Arno with one of
those nets in which they wash wool, and met a frolicsome boy,
who, out of fun, asked him what birds he was going to catch with
that net of his? "I am going to the Brothel's outlet," replied the
youth, "to spread my net there, and catch your mother." Mind
you search the place carefully," retorted the boy, "for you will be sure to find yours there also.

Mom, Why is your hair turning grey?

There was once a naughty little girl who was always getting in trouble and she asked her mother one day "Mom, why is your hair turning grey?" And her mother replied "Every time you do something bad, I get another grey hair." The girl got a puzzled look on her face. A moment later, the girl starts chuckling. "What's so funny my dear?" her mother asks to which her daughter replied, "Thinking of Grandma's hair made me realize that you must have been a really bad girl!"

I know what you did

A little kid is often picking his nose. His mother tells him: "Honey, don't do this". The little kid asks "why?". The mother wants to think of some excuse so she says: "because... when you do it, then when you grow up, you will be fat like our neighbour next door."

After some time the little kid is in a subway train and spots a pregnant woman there. He starts to wink and point to her belly.

"Why do you do that?" asks the woman.

The little kid winks again: "I know what you did."