mother Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious mother puns

Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

šŸ‘šŸ¼

A little girl asks her mother, Mommy, how was I born?

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.

šŸ‘šŸ¼

My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl :(

šŸ‘šŸ¼

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

šŸ‘šŸ¼

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

šŸ‘šŸ¼

I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

**

šŸ‘šŸ¼

A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn't want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don't worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

šŸ‘šŸ¼

A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

šŸ‘šŸ¼

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."

šŸ‘šŸ¼

Theory vs. Reality

A son asks his father what the difference between theory and reality is.

The father says go ask your mother if she would sleep with the neighbor for 1 million dollars, then go ask your sister the same question and tell me what they say.

The son returns and says, "they both said they would do it!"

The father replies, "ok son, in theory we are sitting on 2 million dollars, in reality we live with a couple of sluts."

šŸ‘šŸ¼

A mother was tucking her daughter when the daughter asks her what a Penis is.

Little girl: "Mommy, what's a Penis?

Mom: "Be a good girl and you'll get one when you grow up."

Little girl: But what if I'm a bad girl?"

Mom: "Then you'll get more."

šŸ‘šŸ¼

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

šŸ‘šŸ¼

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes....

Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle...

šŸ‘šŸ¼

A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells:

"Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

šŸ‘šŸ¼

A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

šŸ‘šŸ¼

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girl friend is disabled. Now we wait.

šŸ‘šŸ¼

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

šŸ‘šŸ¼

My mother called me a son of a bitch...

So I hit her, because no one can call my mom a bitch.
Then I hit myself, because no one can hit my mum.
Then she hit me, because no one can hit her son.
And then she hit herself, because NO ONE can hit her son.
Then I hit her. because no one can hit my mum.
I hope we'll solve this when father gets home...

šŸ‘šŸ¼

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother

šŸ‘šŸ¼

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

šŸ‘šŸ¼

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

šŸ‘šŸ¼

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school?

Mumbai!

šŸ‘šŸ¼

Why does Oedipus hate profanity?

He kisses his mother with that mouth.

šŸ‘šŸ¼

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!

The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

šŸ‘šŸ¼

A student receives a bad grade on his exam

And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.

He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"

The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".

The student comes home, and his mother asks him "so how did the exam go?". He replies: "the teacher thought it was remarkable!'

šŸ‘šŸ¼

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

Iļø said, No, in fact, Iļø like your mother in law a lot better than Iļø like mine

šŸ‘šŸ¼

If I had a dollar for every racist thing I've said

Some black mother Fucker would rob me.

šŸ‘šŸ¼

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

šŸ‘šŸ¼

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.

šŸ‘šŸ¼

A little Muslim kid can't find his mother

A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.

The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"

The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."

šŸ‘šŸ¼

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

šŸ‘šŸ¼

If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"

"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

-Credit goes to my mother
-

šŸ‘šŸ¼

50s Soviet joke

Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What's your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.

šŸ‘šŸ¼

Son: Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

Dad: She's named after something your mother loves, Easter! It's an anagram.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Alan.

šŸ‘šŸ¼

A young boy is bathing with his mother

Boy says, Whats that hairy thing mom?

Mom replies, That is my sponge.

Oh yes, says the boy, The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it.

šŸ‘šŸ¼

What are the most funny Mother jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mother? Well, here are the best Mother dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mother pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes