Moses Jokes
137 moses jokes and hilarious moses puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about moses that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some funny Moses jokes? We've got you covered with this collection of jokes about the Old Testament prophet!
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Funniest Moses Short Jokes
Short moses jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The moses humour may include short bible jokes also.
- I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was... But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
- God said to set up a router and free Wi-Fi in the tabernacle... ...but Moses is having a little trouble finding the promised LAN.
- Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter? Because the shelter was non prophet.
- Why did Moses vote for Al Gore? Because the last time he took political orders from a Bush, his country went mucking around in the Middle East for forty years.
- Who is the first person to have downloaded data from the cloud and onto their tablet? Moses.
- If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill. But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.
- Who did God send to help the slaves flee through the partially permeable membrane? Os-Moses.
- Why couldn't Moses believe his mother sent him away in a basket? Because he was in de-nile
- Little known fact, Moses had a motorcycle It literally says so in the Bible:
"And lo, the roar of Moses' Triumph was heard throughout Israel" - How did Moses split the Red Sea? With a "sea"saw.
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Moses One Liners
Which moses one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with moses? I can suggest the ones about old testament and pharaoh.
- How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
- Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut
- How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I'm serious! That Israeli how he does it! - How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
I'll show myself out. - Ever heard of that Hebrew metal band? Guns N' Moses
- Why did Moses part his hair? To make a path for the Israelice.
- Technically it was Moses..... that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
- Who was the first plagiarist? Moses.
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He ^could ^^control ^^^c - What did Moses say when he wanted to see through his door? Let my peephole grow!
- How does Moses make tea? Hewbrews it.
- How does Moses get his tea ready? Hebrews
- What did Moses use to cut the sea in half? A sea saw.
- What do you call a gun loving, Christian rock band? Guns N' Moses
- How does Moses make beer? Hebrews!
- Moses was very modern He was the first to get a tablet with a data from the cloud
Moses Basket Jokes
Here is a list of funny moses basket jokes and even better moses basket puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What was moses feeling when his mum put him in a basket on a river? He was in denial
- Moses couldn't believe his mother would just put him in a basket and forget about him He was in da Nile
- Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
Abraham Moses Jokes
Here is a list of funny abraham moses jokes and even better abraham moses puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Son: Dad may I borrow you car? Dad: Only if you get a haircut.
Son: But dad, Abraham had long hair, Moses had long hair, & even Jesus had long hair.
Dad: They walked too.
Fun-Filled Moses Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about moses you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ten commandments jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make moses pranks.
When Moses came down the mountain, he noticed his followers had bad breath.
So he gave them the Ten Commandmints
What kind of soda did Moses drink?
Mountain Jew!
What does Moses have in common with a h**... who visited her doctor?
Both took two tablets after discovering a burning bush.
A burglar
While robbing a home a burglar hears someone say "Jesus is watching you."
To his relief he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something he heard. The burglar asks the parrot "What is your name?"
The parrot says "Moses"
The burglar goes on to ask "What kind of person names their parrot Moses?"
The parrot replies "The same kind of man that names his rottweiler Jesus."
Jesus and Moses are playing golf.
After teeing off, Jesus asks Moses which club he should use to clear the water hazard and Moses says, "Use your 4 iron". Jesus says, "No, Tiger Woods would use a 6 iron". His shots goes into the water. Jesus walks out onto the water to find his ball and is seen by another golfer who says to Moses, "Look at that guy. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses says, "He is Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Tiger Woods."
Moses, Jesus and Mohammed were selecting their followers...
Moses looks at all the women from whom to create his chosen people, picks out all of the smart ones and tells them to follow him. Jesus' turn comes, he looks at the remaining group, picks all of the most beautiful ones and tells them to follow him. Mohammed takes a look at the remaining group, sighs and says "cover yourself up"
Why did Moses lead the Jews around the desert for 40 years?
Because someone dropped a quarter.
How does Moses make his tea?
He brews it.
Jesus Saves....
Moses invests.
There has been some controversy regarding priests delivering sermons using an iPad instead of the traditional bible.
I think its perfectly fine. After all, Moses delivered the ten commandments using two tablets.
Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are playing golf...
Moses steps up first and lands his ball in a water hazard. He then proceeds to part the water where the ball is and lands it in the hole.
Jesus hits his ball and also lands it in the water hazard. So he walk on the water, picks it up, places it on a nearby lily pad and also lands it in the hole.
Now the old bearded guy steps up and just hits the ball with all his strength. The ball goes flying! It then proceeds to hit a nearby rooftop, bounce along the grass and land on a lily pad. A frog appears and eats the golf ball. Then out of nowhere a bird picks up the frog in its talons and flies off. As the bird flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball and it manages to land the ball in the hole...
After witnessing this Moses turns towards Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."
So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing
The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."
Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.
Jesus, Moses and an Old Man go golfing
and they come up to the par 3. Moses steps up to take a swing and plop, right in the pond. So he steps up to the water, raises his hands and separates the water. He strolls up and chips it into the hole for a birdie. Jesus' turn and he plunks it in the drink, too. He walks on the water, takes a swing and chips it in for a birdie.
The old man steps up to the tee and takes a swing. And, you guessed it, he drops it into the water. Just then a fish swims up and gobbles the ball, a hawk comes flying in from the sky and swoops up the fish. Over the green, the bird lets go of the fish, who slams against the ground. letting the ball go... which rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, quit showing off."
So, A Man Breaks Into a House...
He begins looking for valuables and such when he hears a voice.
"Jesus is watching you."
The man looks around for the source of the voice. It speaks again.
"Jesus is watching you."
After a few moments, the man finds a parrot in a cage.
"Jesus is watching you." It says.
The man smirked. "Hey there, little guy. What's your name?"
"Moses."
"What kind of people name their parrot Moses?"
"The same kind of people who name their rottweiler Jesus."
God and Moses
God and Moses were up in heaven when out of the blue Moses said God I really love heaven and find it really cool, but it is starting to get a bit boring up here. Why don't we go down to Earth and have some fun with the local girls down there?
God looked at him sternly and said No way Moses, I did that 2000 years ago and they are still talking about it!
George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....
.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.
He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.
His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."
Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."
Jesus, Moses, and Muhammad are fishing on a boat
As Jesus winds down the fishing lesson, he notes the time. He bids them farewell, and walks across the lake home.
After a while, Moses decided he wasn't very good at fishing, so he parted the lake and went home.
Being the last one left, Muhammed ██████████ █████ ████████████████ ██████████ ███████████████ ███████
What does Moses do when he wants a beer?
He brews!
Why did Baby Moses believe he was Egyptian?
Because he was in da Nile.
Why doesn't Moses buy beer?
He brews it.
Moses comes down from the mountaint
— Okay, guys, I have the commandments. I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
— The good news.
— I've managed to bring it down to ten.
— What's the bad news?
— I've had to leave adultery in.
Splitting the Red Sea
Moses was leading the Jews while being chased by the Pharaoh and his men. In a moment of foolishness, he walked right up to the Red Sea. They were trapped.
"God d**...," said Moses.
So God did.
Moses talking to a burning bush was child's play
...compared to the miracle of getting a hundred thousand Jews to voluntarily go in to the Red ~~sea~~.
What's Mohammed, Moses and Noah's favourite dessert?
Propheteroles
Moses parts the Hi-C...
...To save the juice
Why did Muhammad hire Moses to help with his start-up?
He wanted to double his prophets.
Why did Moses only go down on redheaded girls?
He's into that burning bush.
What did Moses say to the guy who wanted a boat
I Noah guy
Why did the Jews roam the desert for 40+ years?
Because Moses lost a quarter.
What did Moses say when Isaiah told him the levy had burst?
God Dam It!
Moses walks into a bar
And says "I'll just halve water"
Setting up a Moses business would be simple except for one setback...
Staff problems.
Moses was computer savvy..
..He had two tablets!
What method does the Australian god use to part the Red Sea?
Oz Moses.
Moses opens his tablet.
The notification says, "You have 10 unread commandments'.
How does a Jew do the gardening?
He moses lawn.
What did the Egyptians say to Moses when he parted the Red Sea?
No way!!!
What did Moses say?
Yahweh.
Where does Moses get his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Moses Meets Dubya
George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"
Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"
Why did Moses see a burning bush as God?
Because God planned on giving him his first tablets then.
The mistake? They were Samsung Galaxy Note tablets.
Girl: We can't! I am on my period.
Moses: Not a problem.
How five Jews changed the way we see the world:
Moses: "The Law is everything"
Jesus: "Love is everything"
Marx: "Money is everything"
Freud: "s**... is everything"
Einstein: "Everything is relative"
How does Moses prepare his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Moses doesn't mind period s**....
He's used to being in the red sea.
Where are computers first mentioned in the Bible?
When God gave Moses two tablets.
Jesus saves...
...passes to Moses. He shoots -- AND SCORES!
And God said to Moses, "go forth..."
But Moses came in fifth so God lost twenty bucks.
Why couldn't Moses believe that his mother abandoned him in the river?
He was in da-Nile
God told Moses to come forth.
But he came fifth and lost the race.
Jesus and Moses are walking by the Red Sea when Moses goes
"Hey Jesus, check this out. I still got it!" and parts the waters.
Jesus responds "That's nothing!" and starts walking out on the water. He takes a few steps and starts sinking.
Embarrassed, he swims to shore and Moses drags him out. "Don't worry", Moses says, "last time you did this you didn't have those holes in your feet."
I'm surprised there are not a lot of Jewish tennis players.
After all, Moses served in Pharaoh's court.
What did the Clock say to Moses when he told him he'd be back in 100 years?
Time waits for Nomad
What did Moses do after he got a bladder infection?
Parted the Red Pea
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band has started up.
They're called Nuns 'n' Moses
A robber breaks into a house
and he hears a voice saying
Jesus is watching you
he stops but then assumes it must be just in his head. Again he hears
Jesus is watching you
finally he looks over and sees a parrot. He says to the parrot what's your name? The parrot says Moses the robber replies "what kind of people name their parrot moses?? The parrot says the same people who name their pitbull Jesus
Jesus and Moses are at a lake in heaven
They both want to see if their powers still work
so moses splits the lake, walks right through, and says "alright jesus, now you try it"
So jesus tries to walk atop the waters but winks right through, and swims to the other side.
"What happened?" Moses asks, "Did you lose balance or something?"
"Well last time I didn't have holes in my feet"
How does Moses makes coffee ?
He brews
Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster:
Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replies Moses, "that was before you got those holes in your feet..."
Said Moses after smashing the Ten Commandments:
It's okay, I have a backup in the cloud.
Who was the first biker?
Moses... "...and the roar of his Triumph was heard all over the land..."
Who was the first reposter?
Moses.
(.....)
He could control sea.
