But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Hebrews it.
I'm serious! That Israeli how he does it!
Hebrews it.
I'll show myself out.
Moses: "The Law is everything"
Jesus: "Love is everything"
Marx: "Money is everything"
Freud: "Sex is everything"
Einstein: "Everything is relative"
...but Moses is having a little trouble finding the promised LAN.
They both want to see if their powers still work
so moses splits the lake, walks right through, and says "alright jesus, now you try it"
So jesus tries to walk atop the waters but winks right through, and swims to the other side.
"What happened?" Moses asks, "Did you lose balance or something?"
"Well last time I didn't have holes in my feet"
Because the shelter was non prophet.
But today I learned that he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
"You think we still got it, Jesus?"
"Oh, sure. I don't think our ability to perform miracles just goes away, do you?"
"Let's find out!"
Jesus and Moses head down to Earth and are at the edge of the Red Sea. Sure enough, Moses lifts his hands and the water parts, leaving a clear path across. He smirks at Jesus, and Jesus steps up for his turn.
He stepped out into the water and immediately sank. Moses looked at him confused and said "I guess the ability does go away!"
Jesus smiled and said "Last time I did this, I didn't have these fuckin holes in my feet!"
Because the last time he took political orders from a Bush, his country went mucking around in the Middle East for forty years.
Moses steps up first and lands his ball in a water hazard. He then proceeds to part the water where the ball is and lands it in the hole.
Jesus hits his ball and also lands it in the water hazard. So he walk on the water, picks it up, places it on a nearby lily pad and also lands it in the hole.
Now the old bearded guy steps up and just hits the ball with all his strength. The ball goes flying! It then proceeds to hit a nearby rooftop, bounce along the grass and land on a lily pad. A frog appears and eats the golf ball. Then out of nowhere a bird picks up the frog in its talons and flies off. As the bird flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball and it manages to land the ball in the hole...
After witnessing this Moses turns towards Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."
Popeye got pissed.
Moses steps up to the tee, squares up and hits the ball right into the water hazard. He walks up to the water, raises his club, and parts the water. He then hits it in for two.
Jesus lines up his shot and hits it right into the water. He walks across the water and hits it in for two.
The old man takes his turn and whacks it hard. Right before the ball hits the water, a fish jumps out and bites the ball. Before the fish gets back in the water, a majestic eagle swoops down and grabs the fish, flying high into the sky where a lightning bolt zaps down from a cloud making the eagle drop the fish. That fish hits the ground and the ball rolls from his mouth right into the hole. PLOP.
Jesus whips around angrily shaking his finger. "Dammit, Dad! If you don't quit screwing around you can't play with us anymore!"
and they come up to the par 3. Moses steps up to take a swing and plop, right in the pond. So he steps up to the water, raises his hands and separates the water. He strolls up and chips it into the hole for a birdie. Jesus' turn and he plunks it in the drink, too. He walks on the water, takes a swing and chips it in for a birdie.
The old man steps up to the tee and takes a swing. And, you guessed it, he drops it into the water. Just then a fish swims up and gobbles the ball, a hawk comes flying in from the sky and swoops up the fish. Over the green, the bird lets go of the fish, who slams against the ground. letting the ball go... which rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, quit showing off."
.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.
He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.
His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."
Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."
The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."
Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.
While robbing a home a burglar hears someone say "Jesus is watching you."
To his relief he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something he heard. The burglar asks the parrot "What is your name?"
The parrot says "Moses"
The burglar goes on to ask "What kind of person names their parrot Moses?"
The parrot replies "The same kind of man that names his rottweiler Jesus."
He leads the Israelites through the desert for 40 Years just to bring them to the only part of the Middle East without oil.
As they were fishing, they began to reminisce the miracles they performed when they were on Earth. Just to see if they could still had the knack, they each decided to do one of their miracles.
So, Moses stood up and extended his arms. Sure enough, the waters of the lake parted and the rowboat settled gently to the bottom. He then lowered his arms and the waters closed back in. In a few moments, the lake had returned to normal with the rowboat floating on top.
"Pretty good, Mo," Jesus said approvingly. "Now I'll give it a try,"
he said as he climbed out of the boat. He took a couple steps and then began to sink quickly. Just in time, Moses reached out and pulled Jesus into the boat.
"Jesus Christ!" Moses exclaimed. "What do you suppose happened to you?"
"Aw, Mo, I should have known better than to try that one," Jesus replied.
"The last time I did that I didn't have these damn holes in my feet."
Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replies Moses, "that was before you got those holes in your feet..."
Moses looks at all the women from whom to create his chosen people, picks out all of the smart ones and tells them to follow him. Jesus' turn comes, he looks at the remaining group, picks all of the most beautiful ones and tells them to follow him. Mohammed takes a look at the remaining group, sighs and says "cover yourself up"
Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf.
First Moses goes. He licks his finger to check the wind. He does some simple trigonometry and then hits the golf ball. The golf ball lands in the middle of the lake. He grumbles and growls and sticks his club into the ground to part the seas. He walks into the middle of the now waterless lake and hits it onto the green. He sinks the ball with a birdie.
Next goes Jesus. Jesus puts his hands in prayer and then sets up to hit the ball. He makes contact and hits it onto the green. He puts it in for an eagle.
The old man grumbles and growls. He approaches the tee with his club in his off-hand. He takes a mighty swing and smacks the ball. The ball flies and lands on a lily-pad. It is then picked up by a frog. The frog in turn finds itself in the clutches of a falcon. The frog drops the ball and it bounces in for a hole-in-one.
At this point Moses leans towards Jesus and whisper, "I really hate playing with your old man."
A rabbi is out of town on Yom Kippur. Since nobody knows who he is, he decides to play a round of golf. Up in heaven, God sees him and decides to punish the rabbi for his transgression. However, before God does anything, Moses stops him and says, "Let me take care of this.'' God thinks about it for a moment and say "Ok.''
The rabbi tes off on the first hole, and from above, Moses causes the ball to be a perfect hole in one. This is repeated for the second hole, the third hole, in fact, for every hole on the course. The rabbi has hit a perfect game.
God turns to Moses and says "I thought you were going to punish him?'', to which Moses replies, "Who's he going to tell?''
Guns N' Moses
To make a path for the Israelice.
that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Moses was leading the Jews while being chased by the Pharaoh and his men. In a moment of foolishness, he walked right up to the Red Sea. They were trapped.
"God dammit," said Moses.
So God did.
God and Moses were up in heaven when out of the blue Moses said God I really love heaven and find it really cool, but it is starting to get a bit boring up here. Why don't we go down to Earth and have some fun with the local girls down there?
God looked at him sternly and said No way Moses, I did that 2000 years ago and they are still talking about it!
Moses.
.
.
He ^could ^^control ^^^c
Rabbi Ben Simmons was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.
Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.
As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi Ben Simmons playing the best game he had ever played. The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course and then again on the next hole.
Moses turned to God and asked, 'I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?'
God replied, 'Who can he tell?'
Moses.
Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the water trap but still lands in the water. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it lands in the water a fish jumps out of the water and catches the ball in his mouth, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws, then the eagle flies over the green and is hit by a sudden bolt lightning and the eagle drops the fish.
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls in for a hole in one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we won't bring you next time!"
As Jesus winds down the fishing lesson, he notes the time. He bids them farewell, and walks across the lake home.
After a while, Moses decided he wasn't very good at fishing, so he parted the lake and went home.
Being the last one left, Muhammed ██████████ █████ ████████████████ ██████████ ███████████████ ███████
He takes a few swings and gets par on the current hole. The next guy swings and gets a hole in one. Moses says to the guy "Hey, Jesus you're pretty good!" The third guy takes a swing and misses completely hitting a tree and bouncing into the pond. Then a fish jumps out of the water with the golf ball and the fish is snatched by an eagle. The eagle flies over and the fish drops the golf straight into the hole. Moses looks at Jesus and exclaims "This is why I never play with your dad. He always cheats."
Let my peephole grow!
Hewbrews it.
There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus.
All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high into the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole.
Next up, Jesus. He walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole. The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird, bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate it when your father plays!"
Hebrews
...and its the very first tee off. Jesus says to Moses, "Hey, I think I can make this first shot in one, right over the lake."
"Only Tiger Woods could make that shot." says Moses. So Jesus tries anyway, and his golf ball lands him right in the lake. So Moses parts the water, gives Jesus back his ball, and Jesus tries again.
"I can really do it this time" says Jesus, at which point Moses rolls his eyes..."only tiger woods has made that shot Jesus, I'm not parting the water for you again."
Jesus goes for it, and this time, the golf ball indeed lands straight in the lake. Jesus rolls his eyes, and just decides to walk on the water to retrieve his golf ball.
As he is gliding over the water, some golfers come over the hill and shout "Hey! Look at that guy walking on water! Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ???"
"No," says Moses, "he thinks he's Tiger Woods."
But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.
They are walking around a lake, and Moses says, "Well J-Naz, it has been a hot minute or two, but let's see if we can still perform miracles." Moses raises his arms, and the waters in the lake part, showing a dry pathway on the bottom of the lake.
Jesus says, "That's pretty gnarly Momo, I bet I can still walk on the water." Jesus steps on the lake and sinks immediately. He tries six more times, and each one is a failure. Finally, Jesus, soaking wet, sits on the bank of the lake and says, "I just don't get it. You were able to perform your miracle with ease. Why can't I?"
Moses replies, "I bet it has something to do with the holes in your feet."
A man broke into a house one night, his goal was to take something small and valuable.
While he was searching through the stuff he heard a small voice "Jesus is watching you."
He stopped for a moment and said to himself "This must be a voice from my old sunday school."
So he continued searching, about 5 minutes later he heard the voice again "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight to the direction and he saw a parrot.
He said to the parrot "What is your name?" The parrot replied "Moses"
The robber then said "What kind of silly people would name there parrot Moses?"
The parrot looked up and said **"The same people who named the pitbull jesus!"**
A burglar breaks into a house when he hears "Jesus knows you are here." He shuts his flashlight off and looks around. When he finds nothing he proceeds to unhook the TV when he hears "Jesus can see you" He looks around the room with his flashlight to find a parrot in its cage.
Burglar: So that was all you? Parrot: Yep
Burglar: So whats your name? Parrot: Moses
Burglar: Who in the hell names their parrot Moses? Moses: The same kind of people who name their Rottweiler Jesus.
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."
He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf.
Jesus hits his ball out into the lake, walks out on the water then chips the ball back on to the green.
Moses wasn't going to be outdone so he hits his ball way the hell out into the middle of the lake; then he parts the water, walks out and then chips his ball back on to the green.
The old guy hits his ball out towards the center of the lake; just as the ball is about to hit the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in it's mouth, just as the fish is about to land back in the water, an eagle swoops down, picks up the fish, flys over to the hole; shakes the fish and the ball falls right in the hole.
Jesus says "Come on dad! stop fucking around and play golf!"
A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, he hears: "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." So he asked the parrot his name, and the parrot replied, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull, Jesus."
A sea saw.
Jesus and Moses were hanging out by the beach just talking about the good old times. Jesus turns to Moses and asks him. "Hey Moses, can you still part the seas with that staff of yours?" Moses replies, "I haven't done it in a long time but I can try." Moses raises his staff and parts the sea. Jesus was amazed. Moses now turns to Jesus and asks him... "Hey Jesus, can you still walk on water?" Jesus replies... "Yeah I think I can". Jesus starts to walk on water and sinks, so he tries again, and completely fails and sinks once more. After multiple attempts and failures Jesus turns to Moses and says..." AH! That's right. I have holes on my feet."
Out on the water they realized they forgot their food. Jesus says," I'm sure hungry I'm going to go get a sandwich." Stands up, walks across the water and gets a sandwich. Chuck Norris decided he was hungry too. Gets up, walks across the water and gets a sandwich. Moses thinks he hungry too, steps out of the boat, and falls in and is barely staying above water. Jesus looks at Chuck and says, " You think we should tell him about the stepping stones?"
Chuck Norris asks," what stepping stones?"
So they all line up and Moses hits the ball first. It flies up and lands straight in the pond. Moses then walks to the pond and splits the water in half, chips his ball onto the green and pots it in for par.
Jesus then steps up, again hits it into the pond. He walks on the pond finds the ball chips it up onto the green for par.
This other guy looks at these two for a moment before stepping up to hit the ball. The ball flies up in the air before again landing in the pond. Amazingly a fish swallows the ball, just as it does this a big bird grabs it out of the pond, the fish drops the ball midair and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one!
Moses then turns to Jesus and goes "i hate playing with your dad"
Guns N' Moses
...Moses crushes his drive off the first tee straight up the middle of the fairway. Jesus tees up, takes a big swing at the ball and slices horribly. The ball bounces off a tree and is about to splash into the creek but a turtle pops up and the ball bounces off his shell into the air where a passing bird grabs it and drops it onto the green where it rolls within a foot of the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says "So...are we gonna golf or we gonna fuck around?"
esus and Moses are walking along the beach when Moses says, "You know what? I'm going to try and part the ocean again." He throws his hands in the air and, magically, the ocean parts.
Jesus sees this and says, "I'm going to try to walk on water again." He walks up to the water, takes a step on top and sinks.
Moses says, "Try it again, Jesus. It's been a while." Jesus tries again, and once more, he sinks.
Jesus comes out of the water and says, "I know what the problem is. When I walked on water before, I didn't have holes in my feet."
Because he was in de-nile
Moses is up first, and after whacking the ball, it falls into a lake. He parts the waters, hits the ball again onto the green.
Then, Jesus has his go, the ball soars at the same lake but this time it floats, so he walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.
Then the old man steps up. He hits towards the lake but before it hits the water, a trout jumps up and grabs the ball. Before it drops back to the lake an eagle swoops down and catches the trout. - flying over the green and squeezing the trout, making it drop the ball into the hole.
At this point Jesus turns around and says: "Dad, stop messing around we're trying to play golf"
Hebrews!
to the top of Mount Sinai to negotiate with God over the commandments. After a month of intense discussion, an exhausted Moses came down with a list of 200 commandments.
The Israelites, however, weren't happy with this, and sent him back up to negotiate a better deal.
A week later, a washed out Moses returned from his mission.
"I've got some good news and some bad news," Moses told the Israelites.
"The good news is that I've gotten the list down to ten.
The bad news is that adultery is still on there."
George W Bush was sitting at an airport when he saw a strange man walking by.
He had long white hair, a long white beard, wore robes, and rocked sandals that clicked against the floor along with his staff.
Dubya got up and stood in front of him. "Hey, aren't you Moses?"
Moses pretended he couldn't see him.
Dubya asked again, but again Moses was looking away intently.
Finally Dubya grabbed the man's arm and said, "Why are you so unfriendly??"
To that Moses finally responded, "Last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years in the desert."
...are playing a round of golf. Jesus is on the green, but he puts away his putter and takes out a driver. Moses says "Put that away. You'll never get it in." "Nonsense," replies Jesus. "If Sam Snead can do it, I can do it too." Jesus hits the ball too hard, and it falls into the water. Moses rolls his eyes, parts the waters, and brings the ball back. Not one to be deterred, Jesus takes out the driver again, saying "If Sam Snead can do it, I can do it too." The ball once again goes into the water, Moses parts it, retrieves the ball, and gives it back. When once again Jesus fails to get the ball in, Moses refuses to help. So, Jesus steps out onto the water and proceeds to search for the ball. A man walking by looks incredulously at Jesus, turns to Moses and says "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" "No," replies Moses. "Sam Snead."
"Hey Jesus, check this out. I still got it!" and parts the waters.
Jesus responds "That's nothing!" and starts walking out on the water. He takes a few steps and starts sinking.
Embarrassed, he swims to shore and Moses drags him out. "Don't worry", Moses says, "last time you did this you didn't have those holes in your feet."
Jesus and Moses are fishing up in Heaven reminiscing about their days on Earth. Moses says, "Man we really did some cool things back in the day." Jesus, "Hey, how about we try to do some of our old tricks?" Moses says, "Alright, I'll go first." Moses stands up, staff in one hand raises his arms together and stretches them out to either side. The water in the lake parts and the boat gently comes to rest on the lakes floor. Moses closes his arms and the water slowly goes back to normal. Jesus says, "That was pretty good, but I think I can top you." Jesus stands up takes a few calming breaths and puts one foot out on the water. He then places the other foot on the water, takes a few steps and falls in. Moses cries out, "Jesus Christ!" and quickly pulls him back in the boat. Moses says, "Jesus, what happened?" Jesus says, "That was a lot easier back when I didn't have these damn holes in my feet!"
As he was looking for valuables he heard someone say "Jesus is watching you".
Shocked, he turns on his flashlight and sees a parrot. He asks the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot says "Yes". Amused, the burglar asks the parrot its name, to which the parrot replies "Moses".
The burglar is surprised, and asks "What kind of people names their parrot Moses?"
The parrot looks at the pair of glowing eyes behind the robber and says, "The same kind of people who names their pitbull Jesus."
P.s. Sorry for sucky English.
... as he looks over them he thinks this is just too much to ask a society to do all at once. He has a plan! Just go around the world and give out one commandment at a time.
So he travels to France. "Hello people of France, I want to give you a commandment from God." The French say "Okay we're listening." Moses replies "Thou shall not commit adultery!" The French look at him and say "It's okay we don't need a commandment right now."
So he travels to Germany. "Hello people of Germany, I want to give you a commandment from God." The Germans say "Okay we're listening." Moses replies "Thou shall not Kill!" The Germans chuckle say "It's okay we don't need a commandment."
So Moses travels to Israel. "Hello people of Israel, I want to give you commandment from God." The Israelis say "Okay, how much are they?" Moses replies "Um... well they're free" The Israelis look at him and say "Okay we'll take ten."
He was the first to realise you need a tablet to connect to the cloud.
He brews
Hebrews it.
He was in da-Nile
The notification says, "You have 10 unread commandments'.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Moses? Well, here are the best Moses puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Moses pick up lines to share with friends.