Moscow Jokes
92 moscow jokes and hilarious moscow puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about moscow that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Brighten up your day with some hilarious Moscow jokes! Learn why everyone is talking about vodka-infused Moscow mules and discover what Vlad, Stalin, and Rushin have to do with it. Get ready to laugh and find out why these jokes are so popular today.
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Funniest Moscow Short Jokes
Short moscow jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The moscow humour may include short soviet jokes also.
- Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting". - Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting". - Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009... They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.
- What do you call a head injury at a drummer's convention in Moscow, Russia? A concussion at the Russian percussion discussion.
- A mule walks into a bar in Moscow The bartender looks at him and says Hey, we have a drink named after you!
Really? replies the mule There's a drink named Boris? - One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Khrushchev is a fool!" He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.
- How long does it take a Russian tank to drive from Moscow to Kyiv? Depends how many people are pushing.
- Germany sets a new record in the world cups. They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.
- Moscow cops Did you hear the one about why Moscow cops patrol in threes?
One who can read, one who can write, and another to keep an eye on the other two "dangerous intellectuals". - Following McDonalds example, all the streaming services have cut off their Russian subscribers Locals in Moscow can now only watch Nyetflix
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Moscow One Liners
Which moscow one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with moscow? I can suggest the ones about motherland and comrade.
- Where's Russian milk coming from? Moscows
- Why couldn't the man leave Moscow? He was Snowden.
- What's next to Moscow? Pa's cow.
I'll show myself out... - What do you call a Russian cow covered in grass? Moscow!
- Why does Donald Trump tweet at 3 AM? Because it's 10am in Moscow during business hours.
- Where do Russians get their milk? Mos-Cow
- Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower leave Moscow? He got snowed in.
- What noise does a bug make when it hits your windshield in Moscow? Splyat.
- Why does it smell so bad in Moscow? The prime minister has been Putin since 1999
- There's this casino in Moscow... ... roulette is the least popular table in the house.
- My brother took out 23 Russian fighter jets. He's the worst mechanic in all of Moscow.
- What do you call a russian bull? A Moscow.
- You know where Russians get their milk? MOSCOW
(Credits to the game Blood & Bacon) - Anyone know where Moscow is? It's in the barn next to Pascow
I'll leave now - Heard about the Moscow plane that went down... ...probably because they were rushin'
Comical & Quirky Moscow Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about moscow you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make moscow pranks.
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
quick historical Russian joke from early 90's
Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking s**... questions.
Putin decides to invade Poland
Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller.
Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of v**... in Moscow 2016 cost.
Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty.
Putin: Rubles?!?
Fortuneteller: No, PLN.
A guy was watching TV in Moscow, and the weather forecaster says that it's -35C (-31F) in Irkutsk, Siberia.
The guy is impressed, and he remembers that he had a classmate who moved to Irkutsk. So he finds his number and calls him. "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you have really terrible temperature in Irkutsk, right?" "No, why, we have, like, -5C (23F) here", replies his friend. "Oh, and the weather forecaster says that you have -35!" "Ah, it's probably outside", friend replies.
A couple is walking in Moscow when they feel a slight precipitation
The husband says "ah, it's raining"
The wife replies "no it's snowing"
"How about we ask this communist officer here" replies the husband, "he is always right!,
"Officer Rudolph, Is it raining or snowing?"
"definitely raining" replies Rudolph before walking off
"see?" says the husband,
"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
A Soviet and an American are talking
The American says, "I am able to March into DC, march into the oval office, and say. Mr Reagan, I don't like how you're running this country." The Russian scoffs and says, "I can do the same, I can march into Moscow, go to the Kremlin, go to the general secretary's office and say. Mr Gorbachev, I don't like how Reagan is running his country."
A Russian Couple
A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!
Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in the USA?
Yes. In the USA you can stand in front of the White House and shout "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Equally, you can stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell "Down with Reagan!", and you will still not be punished.
(Alternate punchline:
Yes, but the USA also permits freedom after speech.)
If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now
"Everyone in Moscow commits s**..."
Putin lands at Helsinki airport...
...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.
A man was walking down a street in Moscow at night
A soviet soldier called out for the man to halt but the man started running, so the soldier shot him. The other soldier on duty asks the former, "Why'd you do that?"
"Why it's curfew," the soldier said.
"Well it's not curfew yet!" his partner said.
"I know- he's a friend of mine. I know where he lives and he couldn't have made it in time."
Soviet Joke
Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class
Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!
Little Kid starts crying
Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??
Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!
So this guy finds a magic lamp...
This guy finds a magic lamp. Obviously, a Genie comes out of it.
*The Genie: You can make 1 wish, it can be anything. What do you desire?
*The guy: Well, I'd like to have a railroad that connects New York City and Moscow.
*The Genie: That... might be a liitle too much. Is there anything else you would like?
*The Guy: Well, if that's the case, I'd like to be able to understand Women
* The Genie: Did you want express trains as well?
There was freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in USA
You can stand in front of the White House and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
The Moscow State Circus are sad to announce...
The passing of their Human Cannonball.
A spokesman said they hoped that one day they might be able to find a replacement, but aren't sure they'll ever find another man of his calibre.
Emmanuel Macron meets Putin and tells him...
"You lack freedom in Russia. In Paris, anyone can walk in the street and shout 'Macron is an idiot!', and nobody will touch them."
Putin gives him a basilisk stare and slowly says:
"In Moscow, anyone can walk in the street and shout 'Macron is an idiot!', and nobody will touch them, either."
1937 in Moscow
Moscow. The year is 1937. At around 3 am, a man wakes up to the sound of the door being broken down and he goes to inspect it. He returns to the bedroom where his wife is trembling and crying. "Don't worry my dear, it's just burglars!"
h**... and Stalin are telling jokes to each other
"Moscow" says Stalin;
"I don't get it" answers h**...;
"Excactly - says Stalin - you'll never get it".
Joseph Stalin goes to visit one of the farming collectives outside Moscow
He wants to see their progress with the latest Five-Year Plan.
'Tell Me Comrade,' he asks one farmer. 'How did the potatoes do this year?'
'Very Well, Comrade Stalin. If we piled them up, they would reach God.'
'But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer'
'Nor do the Potatoes, Comrade Stalin'
Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)
A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".
h**...: Tell me a joke!
Stalin: Ok, Moscow.
h**...: ......I didn't get it.
Stalin: Exactly
In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves
They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the Americans caught interest and decided to test the machine in Detroit... They stole the machine
a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.
At 3:00 AM there's b**... on his door. It's the KGB.
You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?
He nods.
Here in Russia, you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why you apply to move to Israel?
Because *There* I can complain!
My girlfriend was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
So h**... asked Stalin to tell him a joke
Stalin: Moscow
h**...: I don't get it
Stalin: Exactly
A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.
As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says I think it's raining. No, it is definitely snowing. Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says let's not bicker, let's ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining. They walked up to their tour guide, and ask Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining? It is raining of course! He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!
So this guy had found a magic lamp, which had a genie in it. After a while...
**Genie:** So master, you have one wish left, think wisely.
**Guy:** Hmmm, I wish there was a railroad that connect New York City to Moscow.
**Genie:** That... is quite a big wish you got there. Do you have anything more reasonable?
**Guy:** In that case, I wish I was able to understand women.
**Genie:** Did you want your railroad to be single or double track?
Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
What did you do that for? he asks.
Curfew violation, the other guard says.
Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!
I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.
A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells :
I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and s**... rules being a leader! A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets? Man responds: Of course i was thinking about h**...! ; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: Who were YOU thinking about?
A joke from my grandfather
In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:
Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.
Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.
A World War 2 joke
Stalin and h**... died and were recieved in h**... by Satan.
Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in h**... for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .
While waiting, h**... got bored and asked Stalin to tell him a joke.
Stalin said one word, "Moscow."
h**..., after a long and hard thought, replied, "I don't get it."
Stalin laughs merrily and says, "Exactly."
On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.
On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.
A guy from Moscow says to his wife:
Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.
He calls his cousin and asks,
Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?
Cousin:- It's around -20C I would say.
Guy:- I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C.
Cousin:- Oh, well it might be outside.
three men were sitting in a prison in moscow
they discuss why they were arrested
the first one says I showed up ten minutes late to work and was arrested for sabotage
the second one says I showed up five minutes early to work and was arrested for espionage
the third one says I showed up to work on time and was arrested for owning a western watch
On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.
A guy from Moscow says to his wife, "They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth."
He calls the guy and asks, "What's the weather like where you are?"
"It's around -20C I would say."
"I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C."
"Oh, well it might be outside."
h**..., Stalin, and Napolean are complaining in the afterlife...
h**... whines "if I had Russian oil, I would have flattened Moscow."
Stalin replies "if I had the German Lufftwaffe, I would have taken over all of Europe."
Then Napolean says "if I had Russian and German p**... nobody would know I had lost."
Not a knee-s**..., but it's probably not a repost.
The guy with a silly mustache
A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells : I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and s**... rules being a leader!
A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin.
Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?
Man responds: Of course I was thinking about h**...! ;
Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: Who were YOU thinking about?
KGB Joke. Because we don't have enough Soviet era humor
Natasha is walking down street in Moscow and sees KGB friend Boris walking toward her.
Natasha says, Is that gun in pocket or are you just happy to see me.
Shot rings out and Natasha falls dead on street.
Was gun.
Russia
Putin feels like taking a trip and heads to the Moscow airport.
Immigration: Destination ?
Putin: Ukraine
Immigration: Occupation ?
Putin: Yes
A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow.
After an hour he loses his patience and yells 'Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'
30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'
Treating her like a dog
A woman walks into a bar and orders a Moscow mule. "Congratulate me, I just got divorced," the woman says. "He'll never treat me like a dog again." "What, did he hit or beat you," the bartender asks. "No," she replies. "He expected me to be faithful."
A man is standing on the Red Square in Moscow with a banner: "Death to the b**... madman"
Promptly, the police appears. "What, are you against our glorious leader Vladimir Putin?". And so the police beats him up.
"Wait, stop! I was protesting against Zelensky - the b**... madman!" - the man shouts as he is being dragged into the police car.
"Shut up, you. We all know who the b**... madman is here".
A man is protesting in the Red Square in Moscow
He holds up a sign that says "The President is an idiot".
Within 10 minutes the secret police comes to arrest him.
"But I'm not talking about President Putin!" he protests. "I'm talking about the American President."
"Nice try," says the secret police, "we know who the idiot is."
Putin dies and goes to h**.......
Because of good behaviour he is allowed out for a few days and goes to Moscow, where he visits a bar. He orders a shot of v**... and asks:
\- Is Crimea ours?
\> Belongs to us.
\- And Donbas and Kiev?
\>Ours!
\- Perfect. How much is that?
\> Five euros.
Asked my friend in Moscow what he thought of the situation over there
He said "I can't complain."
Putin dies and goes to h**...
Putin dies and goes to h**..., but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
Two Ukrainian spies have infiltrated into Moscow and have set up for their plot to kill Vladimir Putin.
They are laying in wait for Putin's private car to pass by, having planted a roadside bomb.
One says to the other, "He is supposed to arrive in 5 minutes. Is everything ready?".
"Yes."
An hour later, no car has passed by.
"Are you sure you got the time right?"
"Yes, I'm sure. Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."
A Russian and an American get on a plane in Moscow and get to talking.
The Russian says he works for the Kremlin and he's on his way to go learn American p**... techniques.
"What American p**... techniques?" asks the American.
"Exactly," the Russian replies.
Putin dies and goes to h**......
but after a while, he is given the day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
Putin dies and goes to h**...
After a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he decides to visit Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin finishes his drink, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros
A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling The president is an idiot
Police surround him and handcuff him. They say it is i**... to insult President Putin
He says You don't understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting
The police captain says you can't fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is
A joke from Moscow
"As a reservist you have been mobilized!"
"Who are we fighting with?"
"The n**..."
"Yes, I know. But against whom?"
Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.
Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.
Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"
Man respond, "I check obituary"
"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"
"Putin obituary be on front page"
Shaggy dog story…
Rudolf, the high ranking communist and his wife are asleep in their dacha outside Moscow. A noise on roof wakes her up. Wife says 'there's something moving around on our roof. I heard a plop then a clink'.
Rudolf says 'don't worry dear, it's just the first large raindrops'. Wife mumbles unconvinced, but sure enough, a few minutes later the obvious sounds of a drenching hit the roof.
Wife says 'I'm sorry I doubted you my love. You were right'
He says 'Yes. Never forget: Rudolf the Red knows rain dear'.
Piece of string walks into a bar.
He sits at the bar and asks the bartender for a Moscow Mule. The bartender looks him over and says I'm sorry, but we don't serve string here . The piece of string leaves with a bit of hurt feelings.
The next night he decides to go in disguise and try again. He ruffles up his hair and adds a few curves and loops to make himself seem thicker, before putting on a bigger jacket. When he makes it back to the bar, the bartender spots him and immediately asks Hey, aren't you that piece of string from last night? .
No he replies, I'm a frayed knot .
A Canadian visits Russia...
As he's strolling through Moscow, he sees a Canadian restaurant, so he walks in. He orders potatoes and gravy.
As he's eating, he says "Ugh, I hate this Poutine..."
He was never seen again.
