Moscow Jokes

Brighten up your day with some hilarious Moscow jokes! Learn why everyone is talking about vodka-infused Moscow mules and discover what Vlad, Stalin, and Rushin have to do with it. Get ready to laugh and find out why these jokes are so popular today.

Comical & Quirky Moscow Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"

My wife answered,

"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Khrushchev is a fool!"

He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.

Why couldn't the man leave Moscow?

He was Snowden.

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***

C: Was this meat barking or meowing?

V: It was asking stupid questions.

jokes about moscow

Putin decides to invade Poland

Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller.

Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost.

Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty.

Putin: Rubles?!?

Fortuneteller: No, PLN.

A guy was watching TV in Moscow, and the weather forecaster says that it's -35C (-31F) in Irkutsk, Siberia.

The guy is impressed, and he remembers that he had a classmate who moved to Irkutsk. So he finds his number and calls him. "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you have really terrible temperature in Irkutsk, right?" "No, why, we have, like, -5C (23F) here", replies his friend. "Oh, and the weather forecaster says that you have -35!" "Ah, it's probably outside", friend replies.

A couple is walking in Moscow when they feel a slight precipitation

The husband says "ah, it's raining"

The wife replies "no it's snowing"

"How about we ask this communist officer here" replies the husband, "he is always right!,

"Officer Rudolph, Is it raining or snowing?"

"definitely raining" replies Rudolph before walking off

"see?" says the husband,

"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

Moscow joke, A couple is walking in Moscow when they feel a slight precipitation

A Soviet and an American are talking

The American says, "I am able to March into DC, march into the oval office, and say. Mr Reagan, I don't like how you're running this country." The Russian scoffs and says, "I can do the same, I can march into Moscow, go to the Kremlin, go to the general secretary's office and say. Mr Gorbachev, I don't like how Reagan is running his country."

A Russian Couple

A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

Moscow cops

Did you hear the one about why Moscow cops patrol in threes?

One who can read, one who can write, and another to keep an eye on the other two "dangerous intellectuals".

If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now

"Everyone in Moscow commits suicide"

You can explore moscow rushin reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean moscow czar dad jokes. There are also moscow puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What's next to Moscow?

Pa's cow.
I'll show myself out...

Putin lands at Helsinki airport...

...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.

A man was walking down a street in Moscow at night

A soviet soldier called out for the man to halt but the man started running, so the soldier shot him. The other soldier on duty asks the former, "Why'd you do that?"

"Why it's curfew," the soldier said.

"Well it's not curfew yet!" his partner said.

"I know- he's a friend of mine. I know where he lives and he couldn't have made it in time."

Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

Soviet Joke

Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class

Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!

Little Kid starts crying

Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??

Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!

Moscow joke, Soviet Joke

What do you call a Russian cow covered in grass?

Moscow!

There was freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in USA

You can stand in front of the White House and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

What do you call a head injury at a drummer's convention in Moscow, Russia?

A concussion at the Russian percussion discussion.

Emmanuel Macron meets Putin and tells him...

"You lack freedom in Russia. In Paris, anyone can walk in the street and shout 'Macron is an idiot!', and nobody will touch them."

Putin gives him a basilisk stare and slowly says:
"In Moscow, anyone can walk in the street and shout 'Macron is an idiot!', and nobody will touch them, either."

Germany sets a new record in the world cups.

They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.

Hitler and Stalin are telling jokes to each other

"Moscow" says Stalin;

"I don't get it" answers Hitler;

"Excactly - says Stalin - you'll never get it".

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."

The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".

Why does Donald Trump tweet at 3 AM?

Because it's 10am in Moscow during business hours.

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".

​

"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".

​

"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".ο»Ώ

Hitler: Tell me a joke!

Stalin: Ok, Moscow.

Hitler: ......I didn't get it.

Stalin: Exactly

Moscow joke, Hitler: Tell me a joke!

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the Americans caught interest and decided to test the machine in Detroit... They stole the machine

a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there's banging on his door. It's the KGB.

You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?

He nods.

Here in Russia, you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.

And here in Russia, you have place to live?

Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.

And here in Russia, you have job to work at?

Yeah, I can't complain.

So, Jew, why you apply to move to Israel?

Because *There* I can complain!

My girlfriend was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"

I said "Because you're Russian me."

So Hitler asked Stalin to tell him a joke

Stalin: Moscow

Hitler: I don't get it

Stalin: Exactly

A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.

As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says I think it's raining. No, it is definitely snowing. Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says let's not bicker, let's ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining. They walked up to their tour guide, and ask Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining? It is raining of course! He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!

So this guy had found a magic lamp, which had a genie in it. After a while...

**Genie:** So master, you have one wish left, think wisely.

**Guy:** Hmmm, I wish there was a railroad that connect New York City to Moscow.

**Genie:** That... is quite a big wish you got there. Do you have anything more reasonable?

**Guy:** In that case, I wish I was able to understand women.

**Genie:** Did you want your railroad to be single or double track?

Soviet Curfew

A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

What did you do that for? he asks.

Curfew violation, the other guard says.

Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!

I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.

A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells :

I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader! A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets? Man responds: Of course i was thinking about Hitler! ; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: Who were YOU thinking about?

A joke from my grandfather

In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:

Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.

Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.

A World War 2 joke

Stalin and Hitler died and were recieved in Hell by Satan.

Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in Hell for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .

While waiting, Hitler got bored and asked Stalin to tell him a joke.

Stalin said one word, "Moscow."

Hitler, after a long and hard thought, replied, "I don't get it."

Stalin laughs merrily and says, "Exactly."

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife:
Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.

He calls his cousin and asks,
Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?

Cousin:- It's around -20C I would say.

Guy:- I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C.

Cousin:- Oh, well it might be outside.

three men were sitting in a prison in moscow

they discuss why they were arrested
the first one says I showed up ten minutes late to work and was arrested for sabotage
the second one says I showed up five minutes early to work and was arrested for espionage
the third one says I showed up to work on time and was arrested for owning a western watch

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".

"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".

"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".ο»Ώ

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife, "They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth."

He calls the guy and asks, "What's the weather like where you are?"

"It's around -20C I would say."

"I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C."

"Oh, well it might be outside."

The guy with a silly mustache

A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells : I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin.

Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?

Man responds: Of course I was thinking about Hitler! ;

Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: Who were YOU thinking about?

A mule walks into a bar in Moscow

The bartender looks at him and says Hey, we have a drink named after you!

Really? replies the mule There's a drink named Boris?

KGB Joke. Because we don't have enough Soviet era humor

Natasha is walking down street in Moscow and sees KGB friend Boris walking toward her.

Natasha says, Is that gun in pocket or are you just happy to see me.

Shot rings out and Natasha falls dead on street.

Was gun.

A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow.

After an hour he loses his patience and yells 'Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'

30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'

How long does it take a Russian tank to drive from Moscow to Kyiv?

Depends how many people are pushing.

Treating her like a dog

A woman walks into a bar and orders a Moscow mule. "Congratulate me, I just got divorced," the woman says. "He'll never treat me like a dog again." "What, did he hit or beat you," the bartender asks. "No," she replies. "He expected me to be faithful."

A man is standing on the Red Square in Moscow with a banner: "Death to the bloody madman"

Promptly, the police appears. "What, are you against our glorious leader Vladimir Putin?". And so the police beats him up.

"Wait, stop! I was protesting against Zelensky - the bloody madman!" - the man shouts as he is being dragged into the police car.

"Shut up, you. We all know who the bloody madman is here".

A man is protesting in the Red Square in Moscow

He holds up a sign that says "The President is an idiot".

Within 10 minutes the secret police comes to arrest him.

"But I'm not talking about President Putin!" he protests. "I'm talking about the American President."

"Nice try," says the secret police, "we know who the idiot is."

Putin dies and goes to hell....

Because of good behaviour he is allowed out for a few days and goes to Moscow, where he visits a bar. He orders a shot of vodka and asks:

\- Is Crimea ours?

\> Belongs to us.

\- And Donbas and Kiev?

\>Ours!

\- Perfect. How much is that?

\> Five euros.

Putin dies and goes to hell

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.

Two Ukrainian spies have infiltrated into Moscow and have set up for their plot to kill Vladimir Putin.

They are laying in wait for Putin's private car to pass by, having planted a roadside bomb.

One says to the other, "He is supposed to arrive in 5 minutes. Is everything ready?".


"Yes."

An hour later, no car has passed by.


"Are you sure you got the time right?"


"Yes, I'm sure. Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."

A Russian and an American get on a plane in Moscow and get to talking.

The Russian says he works for the Kremlin and he's on his way to go learn American propaganda techniques.

"What American propaganda techniques?" asks the American.

"Exactly," the Russian replies.

Putin dies and goes to hell...

but after a while, he is given the day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.

Putin dies and goes to hell

After a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he decides to visit Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin finishes his drink, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling The president is an idiot

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say it is illegal to insult President Putin

He says You don't understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting

The police captain says you can't fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is

A joke from Moscow

"As a reservist you have been mobilized!"
"Who are we fighting with?"
"The Nazis"
"Yes, I know. But against whom?"

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

Shaggy dog story…

Rudolf, the high ranking communist and his wife are asleep in their dacha outside Moscow. A noise on roof wakes her up. Wife says 'there's something moving around on our roof. I heard a plop then a clink'.

Rudolf says 'don't worry dear, it's just the first large raindrops'. Wife mumbles unconvinced, but sure enough, a few minutes later the obvious sounds of a drenching hit the roof.

Wife says 'I'm sorry I doubted you my love. You were right'

He says 'Yes. Never forget: Rudolf the Red knows rain dear'.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the moscow lenin puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working moscow moscow mule piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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