The Best 46 Mortician Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Mortician jokes. There are some mortician crematorium jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these mortician graveyard puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Mortician Jokes and Puns
A man walks into a funeral home...
He asks the mortician if he's had much business lately.
"Not really..." the mortician says, "It's been pretty dead around here".
Necrophilia joke
How can you tell a mortician is a necrophiliac?
He's always HARD at work.
The morticians wife.
The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the funeral, he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.
He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"
A man's father has just passed...
The son is arranging the funeral and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".
A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.
A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The funeral was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".
How to creep out a mortician
How to creep out a mortician.
1. Go in to pre-plan your funeral.
2. Tell him, "I want my remains scattered over the sunflower fields of Fayetteville."
3. He says, "We can do that. The cost for cremation is..."
4. Say, "Cremation? Who said anything about cremation?"
5. Mortician creep-out ensues.
I once dated a mortician...
it didn't work out because I'm not that much of a mourning person.
Though she was a real head-turner.
It's gotta be nice being a mortician...
People are always dying to meet you.
An old woman is upset at her husband's funeral . . .
"You have him in a blue suit, and I wanted him in a brown suit," she cried.
The mortician says, "We'll take care of it ma'am," and yells to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
A 90 year old woman is getting married for the fourth time.
A news crew is there to document the story. The reporter asks the woman about her odd marital past. "Let me get this right," he says. "Your first husband was a banker. Your second husband was a clown. Your third husband was a doctor, and you're about to marry a mortician. Why the menagerie of different men?" She smirked and said "It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."
What did the shocked mortician say?
"I can't bereave it."
Did you hear about the narcoleptic, necrophiliac mortician?
He fell asleep in the job.
You can explore mortician crematory reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mortician undertaker dad jokes. There are also mortician puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I was fired from my job as a mortician after I was caught having sex on the job
I guess it was the final nail in the coffin.
An old widow is on her deathbed,
and a priest comes to give her her last rites.
The woman has had four husbands, banker, an actor, a priest, and a mortician. The priest asks, why so many, and she replies, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
What did the mortician say to his new necrophiliac employee?
Don't worry, you'll fit right in.
A mortician died in a small town
He showed up to work late
What's the morticians favorite exercise?
The deadlift.
What is it called when you're looking for a body killed by a mortician?
Formaldehyde and seek!
My dad is a mortician
I hear people are dying to get into that field
I thought about being a mortician
On one hand people are dying to get into that field
but i hear its dead end job
In a collision, if one car is going twice as fast and the other weighs twice as much, who wins?
The mortician
I think I might become a mortician
I always wanted to work with people.
I tried a deadlift for the first time last week...
The mortician sternly asked me to leave the morgue.
Why are there so few morticians?
It's a dying profession.
I'd kill to be a mortician
That way I'd always have a job
Why do morticians have high salaries?
Because they are big urners.
What's the similarity between an alcoholic and a mortician?
Both can't wait to crack open a cold one.
Why'd the mortician get fired?
For sleeping around the office
Me: [looking through fridge] there's nothing to eat in here!
Mortician: I know right
Donald Trump is asleep at the White House...
The phone rings about 3am. He rolls over and answers it, "it's the middle of the night, this better be important!"
"Donald? It's Hillary. Ruth Bader Ginsburg just died and I want to take her place."
Trump: "It's fine with me, as long as it's fine with the mortician."
Richard 'Old Man' Harrison just passed away
Mortician: it's going to cost you $10,000 to put him in a casket.
Rick: best I can do is $100 cause it's just going to sit there and collect dust.
Why the Hindu mortician lost his job?
Despite several warnings he kept writing the cause of death: *Birth*
What is the worst thing about sex?
Getting caught by the mortician
What does a necrophiliac mortician do at the end of a long day of work?
He cracks open a cold one
I had sex with my 10th grade English teacher.
So what if it took 36 years and required me to become a mortician.
If you want to pick up women, become a mortician.
I heard girls drop dead for them.
Your momma's so old...
...her hair and makeup guy is a mortician.
My uncle was a mortician in the army,
but he could have been president, he was a barrack embalmer.
What do you call a bricklayer at a funeral home?
A mortician.
I work as a mortician, and recently had a case of an unidentified murder victim who was killed in a bakery
I had to mark him down as a Jon dough.in the file.
2 morticians are standing by the coffee machine
"Man, you wont believe what I experienced today. I had a woman with a clitorus like a pickle" says one of them.
"What?!" says the other one "That big?!"
"No," says the man "That sour"
Who do you go to to get your hair and makeup done during this pandemic?
A mortician
Do you want an appointment? Keep going outside !
How did the mortician get the money to pay his bills?
He urned it.
An old woman is upset at her husband's funeral.
"You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We'll take care of it, ma'am" and yells back '"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
Do you know how morticians get better at getting caskets to funeral homes?
They rehearse it.
What do an electrician and a mortician have in common?
They're both shocked when they touch a live one.
How do morticians practice driving backwards?
They rehearse.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mortician burial jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working mortician urn piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.