Following is our collection of Mortician jokes which are very funny. There are some mortician crematorium jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these mortician graveyard puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
He asks the mortician if he's had much business lately.
"Not really..." the mortician says, "It's been pretty dead around here".
How can you tell a mortician is a necrophiliac?
He's always HARD at work.
The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the funeral, he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.
He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"
The son is arranging the funeral and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".
A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.
A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The funeral was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".
How to creep out a mortician.
1. Go in to pre-plan your funeral.
2. Tell him, "I want my remains scattered over the sunflower fields of Fayetteville."
3. He says, "We can do that. The cost for cremation is..."
4. Say, "Cremation? Who said anything about cremation?"
5. Mortician creep-out ensues.
it didn't work out because I'm not that much of a mourning person.
Though she was a real head-turner.
People are always dying to meet you.
"You have him in a blue suit, and I wanted him in a brown suit," she cried.
The mortician says, "We'll take care of it ma'am," and yells to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
A news crew is there to document the story. The reporter asks the woman about her odd marital past. "Let me get this right," he says. "Your first husband was a banker. Your second husband was a clown. Your third husband was a doctor, and you're about to marry a mortician. Why the menagerie of different men?" She smirked and said "It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."
"I can't bereave it."
He fell asleep in the job.
You can explore mortician crematory reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mortician undertaker dad jokes. There are also mortician puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I guess it was the final nail in the coffin.
and a priest comes to give her her last rites.
The woman has had four husbands, banker, an actor, a priest, and a mortician. The priest asks, why so many, and she replies, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Don't worry, you'll fit right in.
He showed up to work late
The deadlift.
Formaldehyde and seek!
I hear people are dying to get into that field
On one hand people are dying to get into that field
but i hear its dead end job
The mortician
I always wanted to work with people.
The mortician sternly asked me to leave the morgue.
It's a dying profession.
That way I'd always have a job
Because they are big urners.
Both can't wait to crack open a cold one.
For sleeping around the office
Mortician: I know right
The phone rings about 3am. He rolls over and answers it, "it's the middle of the night, this better be important!"
"Donald? It's Hillary. Ruth Bader Ginsburg just died and I want to take her place."
Trump: "It's fine with me, as long as it's fine with the mortician."
Mortician: it's going to cost you $10,000 to put him in a casket.
Rick: best I can do is $100 cause it's just going to sit there and collect dust.
Despite several warnings he kept writing the cause of death: *Birth*
Getting caught by the mortician
He cracks open a cold one
He was very deadicated
...her hair and makeup guy is a mortician.
but he could have been president, he was a barrack embalmer.
A mortician.
Oh no problem, she said. My husband is a mortician.
It would have been 4 but the mortician walked in... he told me to leave but.... over my dead body
I had to mark him down as a Jon dough.in the file.
"Man, you wont believe what I experienced today. I had a woman with a clitorus like a pickle" says one of them.
"What?!" says the other one "That big?!"
"No," says the man "That sour"
A mortician
Do you want an appointment? Keep going outside !
He urned it.
"You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We'll take care of it, ma'am" and yells back '"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
They rehearse it.
They're both shocked when they touch a live one.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mortician burial jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working mortician urn piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.