Moron Jokes

Bar joke

A woman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The bartender asks "Hey where did you get that pig"? The woman replies "This is not a pig it's a duck, you m**...." "I know I was talking to the duck.

One day a college professor was greeting his new college class...

He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a m**...,
and if they were, they should stand up.
After a minute a young man stood up.
The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a m**....
The kid replied,
'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'.

I needed some money...

So I decided to rob a bottle shop with my Lebanese friend. We agreed to meet around the corner of the shop in a dark alley at midnight and go from there.
I waited in that alley, and my colleague arrives with a bit of sweet pastry stuck to his head.
"You m**...!!" I exclaim, "I said Balaclava!"

What did the super smart dude say to the m**...?

What did the super smart dude say to the m**...?

What does a schizophrenic, agnostic, insomniac do?

He stays up all night asking himself if there is a Dog.
Thank.
edit new Joke: How many times can a 40something year old ADHD, dyslexic, m**... try to tell this joke and still get it wrong?

How do you keep a m**... in suspense?

If Dairy Queen and Burger King had a baby, what do you call it?

Restaurants can't have s**... you m**....

Politics is like driving

No matter which lane you're in, anyone moving faster than you is a maniac and anyone going slower is a m**....

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you m**...!"

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete m**...."

An old political joke from Imperial Russia (reign of Nicholas II)

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a m**...!". He is taken away by the police on charges of lese majeste (insulting the monarch). He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!". The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said m**...', you certainly meant the Czar!"

The wife's dog died...

Knowing how much she loved that dog the husband got her another dog, exactly the same as the one that died.
He gave her the dog and she yelled at him: m**...!! What am I going to do with 2 dead dogs?!?

A protester who shouted "Donald Trump is a m**...!" in front of the White House was arrested by the secret service and given 25 years in prison.

5 years for defamation, the court had announced, and an additional 20 years for leaking top-secret information.

guy: Doctor help me, my wifi is in labor

doc: Don't panic, is this her first child ?
guy: No, this is her husband you m**...!

A big m**... and a little m**... were walking along a bridge...

When, suddenly, the big m**... fell off and into the river!
Fortunately, the little m**... was able to stay on the bridge, if only because he was a little more on.
(Joke credit to Stephen King)

Whats the opposite of a lesson?

A m**...

Please stand up

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is s**... please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a m**...?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

Two scientists walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they would like to drink. The first scientist says "I'll have a glass of H2O please." The second scientist says "I'll have H2O too."

The bartender gives them both water because he isn't a m**... and no bar serves hydrogen peroxide anyway.

What did the self-contradicting j**... say to the other?

It's an Oxy, m**....

What do you call a m**... that is actually a genius

An oxymoron

When you learn more, it's called a lesson

When you learn less, you're called a m**....

Two morons are at the train station.

The first m**... asks the clerk, "Can I take this train to Chicago?"
"No," the clerk responds.
The second m**... asks the clerk, "Can I?"

If Daenerys from Game of Thrones married Khal Moro instead of Khal Drogo, guess what she would've named her biggest dragon?

m**....

A man insults the Tsar.

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a m**...!". He is taken away by the police on charges of *lese majeste* (insulting the monarch).
He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!".
The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said m**...', you certainly meant the Tsar!"

A policeman pulled me over.

"Sir, were you drunk driving?" he asked me.
"No," I slurred.
"I'm going to need to step out of your vehicle immediately," he stated.
I laughed. "You're a m**...!"
"I'm a m**..., am I? How so?"
"You think this is my car."

My friend said, You have a B.A., Master's, and a Ph.D, but you still act like a m**....

It was a third degree burn.

the big universe

two friends Jake & bill laying in the tent camping
bill: Jake what are you looking at
Jake: the stars
bill: and what you get from that
Jake: how big the universe is and how small we are
bill: no the fu\*\*ing tent is gone you m**...

A big m**... and a little m**... were standing on a bridge, the big m**... fell off

The other was a little more on.
(Sorry if this is a repost, I just remembered my dad telling it forever ago and thought I'd share because it made me chuckle)

m**... and Trouble are playing hide and seek

m**... goes and hide behind a police car. The ploice officer asks: "What is your name kid?" "m**..." says m**.... To which the officer awnsers: "are you looking for trouble?" "No, sir. Trouble's looking for me!

Adam walks into a cafe and orders tea

Adam ordered a cup of tea in a cafe.
So, a waiter brought it for him but dipped his fingers in it.
Adam asked "Hey m**..., why are you dipping your fingers in my tea?"
The waiter replied, "My finger is injured and the doctor advised me to keep it warm."
Adam said, "Then shove it up your a**...!"
Then the waiter said, "Yeah, that's where I keep it when I am not carrying tea"

A little m**... and a big m**... were shingling a steep roof when suddenly the scaffolding collapsed. They both slid down the roof and stopped at the very edge, and then one fell off. Which one?

The big m**.... The other one was a little more on.

A man buys 2 books called "How to Solve 50% of your problem" so he could solve %100

His friend calls him a m**..., saying,
​
​
"You could have read it twice!"

A man had an argument with his lover in a hotel room.

He calls the receptionist and says "I had an argument with my lover. She is threatening to jump out of the window if I don't divorce my wife. You have to help me."

The receptionist replied: "Sir, that looks like a personal problem. There is nothing we can do to help you out."
"Listen here, you m**..." - the man says - "That window won't open and that looks like a maintenance problem to me."

A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. You'll like it here, he tells her. Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a m**....

Do you know who I am? the girl asks her new classmate. I'm the daughter of the principal.
The boy is silent and then asks her, Do you know who I am?
She shakes her head no. Good, says the boy as he walks away.

So I'm at the wailing wall...

Standing there like a m**..., with my harpoon

Marriage Advice

It was a long time ago, but I still remember my Father dispensing this important advice, "Son, marry a girl who has the same belief as the whole family."

To which I replied, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who believes I'm a m**...?"

What's the difference between an idiot and a m**...?

An idiot is someone who drives faster than you... a m**... is someone who drives slower.

Husband: Do you love me?

Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.
Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?
Wife: I will always love you, my darling.
Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?
Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.
Husband: what if i cheated on you, would you still love me?
Wife: of course. I will always love you, apple of my eye.
Husband: Ok. I forgot to turn on the dishwasher last night.
Wife: I HATE YOU, YOU LAZY, SELFISH IRRESPONSIBLE m**...!!

I feel like the workforce is getting dumber at my company every time they hire someone...

It's like they're constantly bringing m**....

A guy approaches a girl at a bar:

"How heavy is a polar bear?" The guy says
"oh ive heard this one, heavy enough to break the ice" the girl smugly answers
"Thats s**..., it lives on ice you m**.... A fully grown polar bear is about 450 kilograms.

What is the side effect of talking with a m**...?

A pain in the a**....

Drunk Son

The son arrived home drunk. To avoid being punished, he pretended to open his laptop and begin reading.
Dad: Did you come in drunk today, too?
Son: No, Dad, as you can see, I'm studying.
Dad: What are you studying by opening the suitcase, you m**...?

2 drunk guys are walking home

Two drunk guys, John and Adam were walking hime from a long day at the pub. The two spot a pile of cow s**... in front of them.
John says, "Is that a pile of cow s**...?"
Adam says, "That's just a pile of mud, idiot. Want me to prove it to you?"
John agrees, and Adam goes over to the pile of s**... and tastes it, the m**....
Adam exclaims, "Holy s**...! It IS cow s**...!"
John, with his high intelligence, goes over too and also has a taste.
"I told you it was cow s**..., good thing we didn't step on it."

Bill Belichick was in my store earlier and whilst I was serving him he said listen, I need a quarterback. Think you could do that for me son?

I said wow, really?! You want me to play in the NFL?
He said No m**..., this drink costs 75c and I gave you a dollar

How do you keep a m**... in suspense?

Anyone know? Someone asked me this when I was a kid, but they must have forgotten the punchline since they never told me.

Little Johnny was in class and his teacher asked

Little Johnny was in class and his teacher asked "how many of you guys are trump fans?" since the entire class wanted to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well except little Johnny. So the teacher asks, "why are you being different again Johnny....." so little Johnny says "well because im a democrat. My mom is a democrat and my dad is a democrat, so im a democrat!" so then the teacher responds with "well what if your mom was a m**... and your dad was an idiot what would that make you?" well little Johnny says, "a trump fan!"

Scientists have discovered the sub-atomic particle that confers density.

They've called it the m**....

There was a big m**... and a little m**... sitting on a log.

The big m**... fell off!! Why didn't the little one?
Because, he was a little more on!!!
- this was my FAVORITE joke as a kid. I still like it.

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, now you're thinking—-it's spelled psychic, m**....

Jesus is watching

A burglar sneaks into someone's home, and while stealing he suddenly hears a voice in the dark.
"Jesus is watching."
Not knowing where it's from, he continues stealing until once again he hears "Jesus is watching". He then notices a bird cage with a parrot inside, with a name plate that says "Moses".
"Moses?" he asks. "What kind of m**... would name their parrot Moses?"
Moses then says "Same guy that names his doberman Jesus".