Hilarious Morning Wood Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
My evening wouldn't normally start out with an e**......
..but my morning wood.
Farmer tries to breed pigs
A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.
The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"
"Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud." The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.
So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.
Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn't take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.
"Once more," he told himself, and loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed.
The next morning, he can't even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.
"Nope," she said. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"
A Jew wakes up with morning wood and runs right into a wall. What does he say?
Ouch, my nose!
If guys get morning wood.......
Do girls get morning dew?
A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea
His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:
-Why are you only half mast?
-It's mourning wood
Lunatic escapes from an asylum, goes to a launderette where he rapes three women before running off into the woods. Next morning's newspaper headlines read....
# **NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**
The Appetizer
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Here's your beer and a complimentary plate of roasted mushrooms that I picked out in the woods behind the bar just this morning," the bartender says. "Wait, are these mushrooms even edible?" the guy asks. "Oh, come on. ALL mushrooms are edible," the bartender scoffs. "Some are just edible once."
morning wood is like my childhood...
wasted potential
I hope y'all have a beautiful morning
wood
Sometimes in the mornings I have dirty thoughts about a dead girlfriend
Mourning wood
I woke up with my back stiff as a board
It's morning wood
You can explore morning wood vitae reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean morning wood shavings dad jokes. There are also morning wood puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Did Jesus ever have morning wood?
He was a carpenter right?
(This is courtesy of my SO)
What's worse than morning wood?
Mourning wood
What do you call a tree that only grows at sunrise?
Morning wood.
When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard
but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.
My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.
Feral people don't experience morning wood...
They experience morning bark
The logger
So a logger wakes up in the morning and goes off into the forest with his waist-bag, to find some firewood.
After finding some wood, he puts it into his waist-bag and is returning home when a man stops him and asks "What's that bulge in your bag?"
"Oh," says the logger. "Just some morning wood."
I just peed with morning wood
It was hard
I named my wood chest "Morning" in Minecraft.
So whenever I need some wood I can say I need some "Morning Wood".
(This is an actual thing I have done, it's not just a cheesy joke)
What is your favorite type of wood?
Mine is morning.
I never did understand morning wood.
I don't typically get a**... at funerals.
I hate peeing with morning wood...
It's just so hard!
(Sigh) How I miss those good old days...
Alas, my good old days of "morning wood" have been replaced by "morning wouldn't."
I always wake up saying "i would like to [...]"
I call it "Morning wood".
What's awkward for a man but a normal part of the job for a lumberjack?
Morning wood.
I woke up with a glorious morning wood today
But the kids woke up so nothing came out of it.
A single letter is all it takes to change the entire meaning of the word
Morning Wood
Mourning Wood
Whats long, brown, and smells like wood in the morning?
Wood.
