Morning Walk Jokes
96 morning walk jokes and hilarious morning walk puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about morning walk that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Morning Walk Short Jokes
Short morning walk jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The morning walk humour may include short morning coffee jokes also.
- A general walks up to his private "Private!"
"Yes, sir!"
"I didn't see you in camouflage tactics training this morning!"
"Thank you, sir!" - My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: 'You're on drugs again!!!' She could be right.. I'm an only child.
- A Scot and an Irishman walked into a pub. The Scot said, "All drinks are on me!" News headline the next morning:
IRISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND BEATEN TO DEATH BEHIND PUB - Minister: "I couldn't help notice that your husband walked out of my sermon this morning." Lady: "Don't take it personally, he's been walking in his sleep for years."
- I walked out my house this morning... And a man threw milk and cheese at me.
I thought, How dairy? - This morning my wife walked in and started hitting me with a bouquet of purple flowers… She woke up and chose violets.
- What is the creature that walks on four legs in the morning, three legs at noon and two in the evening? A cat in a minefield.
- As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home
- Walking through the park one morning, I saw an old man feeding the birds. After a few minutes of watching him, I began to wonder... ...how long has he been dead?
- This morning I woke up, changed a lightbulb, crossed the road and walked into a bar. My life's a joke
Share These Morning Walk Jokes With Friends
Morning Walk One Liners
Which morning walk one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with morning walk? I can suggest the ones about morning greeting and morning people.
- So i walked into a bait shop this morning And i didnt even mean to.
- A blind man walks into a fishmongers shop... And says "Good morning ladies!"...
- What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Walks home.
- What did the blind lesbian say as she walked passed the Fish Market? Morning Ladies!
- What is height of Activelaziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk. - Morning ladies Said the blind man as he walked past the fish shop.
- I used to walk 5 miles every morning. I'm really going to miss that dog.
- Saw a duck walking on water this morning Geeseus Christ
- A guy with morning-wood walked against a wall. Broke his nose
- A blind man walks by a fish market "Good morning Ladies!"
- A blind man Walks past a fish stand, "good morning ladies"
Morning Walk Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about morning walk you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stroll jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make morning walk pranks.
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
A man walks into work one morning...
A man walks into work one morning with a n**... black eye and a couple of scratches on his face. The receptionist, a young woman, notices and asks the man what happened.
"I got beat up defending my girlfriend's honor."
"Aww, that's sweet," said the receptionist, "what did your girlfriend think?"
"She couldn't believe how hard my wife could hit."
So a guy walks into the doctors office...
...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"
"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."
The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop m**... for a little while."
"Why?" asks the man.
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."
George W. Bush joke....
One morning while George was having breakfast, Condoleezza Rice walks in saying, "Mr. President, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in action yesterday." "Dear God, " he replied, "how much is a brazilian?"
A man was taking his dog for a walk one early morning
As he walked through a graveyard to get back home, he saw a man crouching by a grave.
"Morning!" says the man with the dog.
The second man replies "Nope, just having a p**...."
Two wives go out for girls night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her p**... the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no p**...."
The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!
My young daughter asked me this morning....
My young daughter asked me this morning, "Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream."
"Nothing, darling," I replied.
It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-s**... head.
Guy can tell how any animal was killed
Guy walks into a bar and says: While I am blindfolded, I can feel the pelt of any animal and tell you how it was killed.
People start betting, the guy is blindfolded and given the first pelt (this bar has them for some reason).
the man holds the pelt and fingers the bullet hole, then says: this is a polar bear and it was killed .30-06! He is correct!
the next pelt is handed to him. He feels it and finds the bullet hole. then he says: This is a muskrat and it was killed by a .22! He is correct! Everyone cheers, beers are bought and a good time is had by all.
the next morning, the man wakes up in his own bed next to his wife but he now has a black eye and a headache. He wakes his wife and asks what happened with his new shiner. she says that she gave it to him. he asks why. well, she says, last night you came home drunk, and stuck your hand down my pants. then you yelled in my ear: **SKUNK, KILLED BY AX.**
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
Farming advice
A farmer notices that her neighbor produces a lot of big tomatoes every year, so she asks him what his secret was. He says that he walks n**... every morning as the sun raises. The next harvest he checks up on his neighbor, and asked if she had good tomatoes this year. She says, I walked around the garden n**... every morning as you said but not that many tomatoes, but the cucumbers surely got big this year.
if your little ladies not so little anymore...
you may want to think about what you can do to help. Here's some advice i got from a certified physical trainer: All you need to do is have your wife walk two miles every morning, and then another three miles every night, and in just seven short days that fat b**...'ll be thirty-five miles away
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
Cough Medicine
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A man walks into a bar carrying a dog...
The dog has no legs. The bartender looks at the legless dog and asks the man, "What's your dog's name?" The man replies, "Cigarette." The bartender looks at him puzzled. "Why did you name him Cigarette?" The man replies, "Because every morning, I take him out for a drag."
My grandfather's favorite
A homeless man was walking down the street, noticeable wearing only one shoe. A passing policeman saw and commented, "Morning, did you lose your shoe?" The homeless man replies, "I didn't lose a shoe, I found one!"
I work at a restaurant...
I work at a restaurant. A woman and her young son came walking through the door early in the morning.
I immediately approached after they were seated and asked,"What will it be today?"
The young boy was quick to exclaim,"I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN!!!"
There was a long silence.
His mother then put one hand on her head and said,"Eggs.... He wants eggs."
The big bed...
Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,
"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."
The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.
The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,
"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a h**... from a beautiful woman!"
The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,
"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a h**... from a beautiful woman as well!"
The man who slept in the middle says,
"I had a dream that I was skiing!"
c**... advice
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the clerk:
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist said:
"You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The clerk responded, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.
I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."
Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some b**... and groaning from the other side of the door.
She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "
A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.
"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.
The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."
A blonde walks into a drycleaners
and says 'good morning' to the elderly attendant and hands him a blouse. The man didn't hear too well and asked, "Come again"?
The blonde turned red and giggled. "No, just mayonnaise this time."
A little boy asks his mother; why is my name Feather?
When you where a little baby a feather dropped on your head. The next day her other son walks up to her and asks: 'Mom, Why is my name Leaf?' 'That is because when you where a little baby a leaf fell on your head.' The next morning her last son walks up to his mother and asks: 'aaiaiijhhh jaijahhhuuhhghhhhhh nnggh?' 'Shut up, Fridge.'
A man sits at a bar...
...After the third beer he decides to go home. He tries to walk out, but as soon as he is off his chair he falls on the ground. He figures he's probably not drunk enough. He orders another one, tries to go, but again falls on the ground. After two more beers and tries he decides just to crawl home.
The next morning his wife says to him in the bed.
"You were in the bar last night."
"How did you know?"
"The bartender called. You forgot your wheelchair."
Lewis and Clark
Lewis and Clark were walking through Montana when they met an Indian scout who offered to help them hunt buffalo.
The scout took them out in the morning and put his ear to the ground. After a while, he said "Buffalo come."
Lewis asked the scout, "How do you know?"
The scout said, "Face sticky."
Wet Mail
A man one morning walks out to his mailbox to get his mail. He opens the door, reaches in, and he can feel that the mail is all wet. He gets very upset that his mail is soggy and ruined. He flags down the mailman who has not made it very far and asks..
"Whats the deal with the wet mail?!"
The mailman stone faced looks back at the man and says
"It's because there is Postage Dew."
On the train
I was sitting on the train this morning when a hot looking woman walked into the carriage in a tight, short skirt and a low cut top. As she sat down in the seat opposite me. I sat there thinking "Please don't get an e**..., please don't get an e**..."
Then she did.
It's Easter Sunday morning...
... and chubby Chuck has been chomping on Easter eggs all night. He decides that he simply can't eat one more Easter egg. So he plays a prank. He goes into the chicken coop and replaces every single egg the hens have laid with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later, the rooster walks in, sees all the colored eggs, then storms outside and kills the peacock.
A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...
He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
I think my wife has a habit of walking in her sleep
Every morning I find her sleeping in someone else's bed.
Three nuns are met by a f**....
So three nuns are walking together after morning services, when a pervert in a trenchcoat jumps out of some bushes and flashes them.
The first nun, she had a s**....
The second nun also had a s**....
The third nun didn't touch him.
A police officer walked into a mental asylum and spoked to one of the patients.
"I'd like to thank you for saving that man who almost drowned by that river last night. But unfortunately, he hanged himself this morning."
To which the patient replied
"Oh I know! I hang him up to dry him!"
A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning.
A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning when he sees an elderly man crouched by a gravestone. Not wishing to appear rude the dog-walker greets the elderly man with a cheery:
"Morning!"
The elderly man replies:
"Oh no, just taking a dump."
A man walks into his office
A man walks into his office cubicle on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
it reads, "Do you have any n**... photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!"
Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor. Expecting an apology, he opens the e-mail.
It reads, "Want to buy some?"
Devil in the Church
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
I woke up this morning and saw that all my girlfriend's stuff was gone.
I walked into the kitchen, where I saw a note on the table. It read, "When you find out what you want, let me know."
I phoned her up and said, "I want pizza."
I was walking through a graveyard this morning and saw a man squatting by a tombstone.
I shouted "Morning!"
He replied "No, just p**...."
There was an old professor who started every class with a v**... joke.
After one particularly n**... example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of w**... in India?
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
Wait, ladies, cried the professor, The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!
Catholic
Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."
I visited the wife's grave early today...
A man walked by and said "Morning!"
I replied, "No, just walking the dog."
I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out.
She gave a slight glance towards me and She started walking faster, so I walked faster.
She started running, so I started running.
She started screaming, so I started screaming.
I was too scared to look behind and never did find out what we were running away from.
An alcoholic walks into a bar, first thing in the morning,
And sits down at the bar. His friend, the bartender says "Whiskey on the rocks, as usual?"
The man responds, "It's too early..."
The bartender is shocked, "Too early for a drink? For you?" He asks, surprised.
The man looks at him and says,
"No, for s**... questions."
A Walmart pharmacist walks in to relieve her co-worker and sees a man leaning against the shelves.
She asks her co-worker , "What's with that guy over there leaning against the shelves?" He says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. We're out of cough syrup, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A Blacksmith in Ancient Palestine asks his Apprentice, "where are the nails?"
Once in Ancient Palestine a Blacksmith walks into his shop one morning to find his apprentice sharpening blades and kindling the forge. As the Blacksmith searched the shelves he couldn't find the nails. He asked his apprentice, "I've been searching for them all morning. Where are the nails?"
The Apprentice looked up solemnly and replied, "They're in God's hands now."
A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...
The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.
The waiter responds, I assure you it's not. In the morning he makes donuts.
I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.
The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".
I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I f**..., the room smells incredible.
Pale Tomatoes...
Two women are talking while gardening. "Oh, I am SO jealous of your tomatoes. Mine are so pale and yours are bright red.".
"It's easy, just walk out in your nightgown early in the morning and flash them. They'll be bright red after a couple of days."
They meet again a few weeks later.
"Hey, did my hint about your tomatoes help?"
"Huh. The tomatoes are still pale, but my cucumbers are like five feet...".
Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar
So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.
'Morning' the walker shouted. 'No, just having a s**...' the man replied.
After saving the universe from Thanos, Thor spent the night with a beautiful woman.
The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."
She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."
I swear my neighbor is completely crazy! She was walking her dog this morning and talked to it the WHOLE time. She acts like it's a human!
When I got back to my apartment I told my cat all about it. We laughed about it for hours and hours...
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...
A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."
Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.
He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.
Joke told in the Soviet Union
(For context only 1/7 Soviets owned a car, and once you paid up front there was a 10 year wait to get one)
A man walks into the car store wanting to buy a car. He pays the man at the counter and the man at the counter says Alright, just come back in 10 years to pick one up. The man replies Morning or afternoon? The dealer says Well, 10 years from now what difference does it make? The man replies Well, the plumbers coming over in the morning.
Man walking through a graveyard
He sees a man crouching by a headstone so shouts over morning . Headstone man replies no just having a s**...
A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door
Then struggles to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:
"You were really drunk last night weren't you?"
"Yeah, why? How do you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the pub."
I saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning.
He seemed to be waiting for the bus, so I said, 'Jump in, I'll give you ride.'
He said 'Go to h**...', so I thought he was very ungrateful.
But then I just zipped up my backpack and kept walking.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dog!
Unless it's a repressed memory, I made this puppy up myself...
A woman walked into Dr Smith's office and introduced herself.
Hi, I'm Dr Yvette Tan, I've just become an accredited psychiatrist and would love to work as part of your medical practice .
Despite some misgivings, Dr Tan assured him she'd be needed eventually, and once he'd checked all her papers, he set her up in an empty office down the hall.
The next morning a man came in to see him and yelled out Doctor! I feel like I'm a dog!
Ah yes, the doctor replies, I think you'll need to see Yvette
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a s**...."
The older woman.....
A guy walks into a bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. "My wife just gave birth to my son this morning!" he tells the bartender. "That's great!" the bartender agrees. "I know just how excited you are! My wife just gave birth to my daughter yesterday. Who knows? Maybe someday they'll grow up and marry each other." "Yeah, right," the guy says. "Like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."
Jim and Joe are sitting at a bar drinking and jim asks where is John? Joe says John is missing . What happened asks Jim . Well joe says
John forgot his wedding anniversary again. His wife flew into a fit of rage, walked out to the driveway pointed to the ground and said., I want a present that goes from 0 to 200 really fast and I want it here by tomorrow morning.
Fine says Jim but that doesn't explain where John is.
Well continued Joe they next morning his wife woke up walked out side and saw a big box with a ribbon so she opened it and saw a new set of bathroom scales and John hasn't been seen since
The horrible things you will do for money
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I've done some terrible things for money," he confesses to the bartender. "Like getting up early in the morning to go to work."
Nun gets up and starts walking down the cloisters. Another nun walks up to her and says "who got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning?"
Nun carries on walking and again another nun says the same thing. This happens 15 times as she is walking down the cloisters and she is becoming very angry. She gets to Mother superiors office and just before Mother Superior could say anything the nun shouts, "don't tell me I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning". Mother superior says: "I wasn't going to say that I was going to ask why you've got the Bishops' slippers on"
The dentist
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Went and had a cavity fixed this morning," the guy tells the bartender. "But it wasn't my usual dentist. Just some guy filling in."
At a monastery
3 disabled friars are walking the grounds of the monastery. 1 blind, 1 deaf and 1 in a wheelchair. They walk past a lake and the blind one says it is a holly lake that miracles occur in. The guy in the wheelchair says let's try. The blind guy enters and when he comes out he says "what a beautiful morning" . The deaf guy enters and when he comes out says "listen to the birds". The guy in the wheelchair rolls in and when he comes out exclaims "NEW WHEELS"
The Appetizer
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Here's your beer and a complimentary plate of roasted mushrooms that I picked out in the woods behind the bar just this morning," the bartender says. "Wait, are these mushrooms even edible?" the guy asks. "Oh, come on. ALL mushrooms are edible," the bartender scoffs. "Some are just edible once."
Murphy in London
Murphy found himself in the London underground subway station, at four o'clock in the morning. He walked along to the escalator, on the escalator it is written, Dogs must be carried on the escalator. he thought, God, where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?
Ol' Jed
Ol' Jed was sitting on his porch when his youngest grandson walked up to him.
"Granpa, how did you get to live so to be so old?"
"What, I'm only 85!" he exclaimed before snorting. "Well, let me tell you something. Every morning I sprinkle just a little gunpowder into my oatmeal. It's good for the heart!"
"Gunpowder!? No way! Are you joshin' with me?"
"Nope! Mark my words. Just a little pinch every morning. You'll see."
Sure enough, Ol' Jed lived another 14 years before leaving behind 7 kids, 10 grand kids, 18 great-grand kids, and a 9 foot hole in the Crematorium wall...
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…
I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
A man is squatting in a graveyard.
A man is squatting in a graveyard when another man walking by, politely utters "Morning."
The first man replies "No. I'm taking a s**...."
A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.
A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.
"Comrade President! What is wrong?"
"I've been working on this jigsaw puzzle from America all morning, but I can't get any of the pieces to fit!"
"Da, Vlad, I see. Everything will be OK. Why don't we lie down and rest? But first, let's put the Corn Flakes back in the box."