Following is our collection of funny Morning jokes. There are some morning early jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these morning morning wood puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
It's my longest running joke of the year.
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Thanks daylight savings!
Just this morning she said "is that the best you can do?".
after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."
and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.
Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.
Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"
You can explore morning noon reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean morning 5am dad jokes. There are also morning puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)
Child services were not impressed with me.
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Me: ARRRGH!
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.
Don't look down!
My Dad broke this one out this morning thought I would share.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
It's a vicious cycle.
Turns out she was just vacuuming.
I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."
Apparently they still have 500 million users.
I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.
What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?
Precubescent
He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
"Well, yes", I told him "they came out of the closet this morning."
Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."
It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...
"Yeah!" I replied. "They came out of the closet this morning actually!"
Twirly.
Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.
Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.
A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.
Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.
The coast was clear.
A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
It came completely out of the orange.
I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.
He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.
He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_
He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.
Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"
waitress: How do you like your eggs?
dad: in a cake
The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".
I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I fart, the room smells incredible.
Beat it single handed.
I replied: "yeah, they came out of the closet this morning!"
We'll return him back to you.
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.
"Darling, I don't even know the woman."
A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."
Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:
"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."
___________________
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
It's my longest running joke of the year so far...
Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.
We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.
"I can't believe it's not Buddha."
Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,
don't let him steer that cargo freighter,
don't let him near that cargo freighter,
early in the morning.
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
It's the day I lost my independence.
(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).
He finally saved up enough rubles, went to the agency, and paid for a car.
He is told, "Come back on August 8th, 1983 to pick up your new car"
"But that's eight years from now."
"Yes, isn't it wonderful? The wait used to be ten years."
"Okay, fine. August 8th, 1983. Morning or afternoon?"
"It's eight years away. What difference does it make?"
"The plumber is coming in the morning."
Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.
They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"
I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"
I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, Hey sweetheart, why don't you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?
Well don't you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast⦠now I do it in 5.
His wife has been waiting for him and says angrily, "You're late. You said you'd be home at 11:45!"
"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
This morning I had to break up a fight on the sidewalk. Two blind men going at it with their canes.
I said: "Break it up guys,What the hell is going on here!"
Blind man 1:"You owe me fifty dollars!"
Blind man 2: "I don't understand what the hell his problem is!, I told YOU! ,"I WILL PAY YOU THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU!"
You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from electric company there to turn the lights off.
....Dad beat my ass again ....
I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
She said she only likes pears!
So I gave her another apple. ππ
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboards as I could.
Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster.
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
I'm a cereal eater.
...then I spent the rest of the morning being chased by an angry one-man-band.
But yet I woke up this morning and they're still here!
Everyone is still in morning.
Because she'll let it go.
My 8 year old son told me this one this morning. I couldn't be prouder :)
She asks me "What kind of bird chirps at night?! Isn't that a morning thing?!"
I tell her "Well, the bird likes to chirp at all hours, and is obviously mentally ill or crazy, so it can only be one kind..."
"What's that?"
"A *cuckoo* bird!"
"......."
I don't think I've ever seen her roll her eyes that hard at anything I've ever said. (Borat thumbs) GREAT SUCCESS!
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs 'WHAT'S GOIN' ON?'
He said "Dad couldn't you have given me a better name than Video ?"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the morning morning people jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working morning morning sickness piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.