Morning Jokes

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

My girlfriend and I began having s**... at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about s**....

Just this morning she said "is that the best you can do?".

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Last day of work...(n**...)

I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane c**... early this morning.

Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.

Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"

My son was on eBay this morning.

Child services were not impressed with me.

It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...

Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Me: ARRRGH!
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Why did the s**... cross the road?

I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.

An 18 y/o boy getting a BJ from and 80 y/o woman and a tightrope walker have the same thought...What is it?

Don't look down!

My Dad broke this one out this morning thought I would share.

Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.

Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike

It's a vicious cycle.

Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon?

I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?

Precubescent

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

A guy in school said that my clothes were gay

"Well, yes", I told him "they came out of the closet this morning."

If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water...

...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

Today someone called my clothes 'gay'

"Yeah!" I replied. "They came out of the closet this morning actually!"

Why don't helicopters fly in the morning?

Twirly.

The bro code

Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.

Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.

A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.

Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

It came completely out of the orange.

For those of you wondering what it's like to be married

I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...

instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning

He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_

His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_

He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

Actual joke dad said this morning

waitress: How do you like your eggs?

dad: in a cake

I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.

The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".

I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I f**..., the room smells incredible.

I fought an e**... this morning

Beat it single handed.

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We'll return him back to you.

What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?

It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.

"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.

"Darling, I don't even know the woman."

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."

​

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen

Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.

A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said,

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?

Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,

don't let him steer that cargo freighter,

don't let him near that cargo freighter,

early in the morning.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a s**...."

My daughter was born this morning, July 4th.

It's the day I lost my independence.



(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

A Soviet citizen is buying a car

He finally saved up enough rubles, went to the agency, and paid for a car.

He is told, "Come back on August 8th, 1983 to pick up your new car"

"But that's eight years from now."

"Yes, isn't it wonderful? The wait used to be ten years."

"Okay, fine. August 8th, 1983. Morning or afternoon?"

"It's eight years away. What difference does it make?"

"The plumber is coming in the morning."

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, Hey sweetheart, why don't you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?

Well don't you know, she loved my suggestion!

It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.

A mathematician comes home at three in the morning.

His wife has been waiting for him and says angrily, "You're late. You said you'd be home at 11:45!"

"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return

When I was a boy my dad gave me money....

When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my a**... but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from electric company there to turn the lights off.
....Dad beat my a**... again ....

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

Gave my daughter an apple for breakfast this morning 🍎

She said she only likes pears!


So I gave her another apple. 🍎🍎

I was almost upset that my coffee tasted like dirt today

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

​

This morning I came early to my office

And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboards as I could.

Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster.

A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog s**... on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.

Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."

The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."

I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a r**... w**... and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.

So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs 'WHAT'S GOIN' ON?'

A general walks up to his private

"Private!"

"Yes, sir!"

"I didn't see you in camouflage tactics training this morning!"

"Thank you, sir!"

A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today

"It tastes like dirt!"

I told him it was just ground this morning.

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don't know what to make of it.

Simply by replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87%...

...of what little joy you had left in your life

Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent! Finally, things might be starting to turn our way! What's the bad the news?"

The general shifted in his seat and looked down at the table. "A large amount of our best weapons and munitions have just been captured, sir."

I like my coffee like I like my women...

Strong, and able to give me the kick in the a**... I need to get movin' in the morning!

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

A man's wife doesn't come home one night.

The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The husband then contacted all of his wife's friends asking about it: none of them said that she was staying the night.

A few nights later, the husband doesn't come home one night. Just like his wife, the next morning he tells her that he had slept over at a friends place. His wife then contacted all of the husbands friends to ask about: and apparently the husband was at 8 houses, 2 of which said he was still there!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I'm not sure if I can get hard, I was just laid this morning.

A boiled egg in the morning...

It's pretty hard to beat.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning

I must have been sleep **wok**ing again

A retired man named Dave took a part-time job at a small woodshop, but every morning, he was late.

Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes. The owner wasn't too upset because Dave was great with customers, but one day he got curious.

"Hey Dave," the owner asked. "What did they say at your last job when you came in late all the time?"

"They said the same thing no matter what time I came in," Dave grinned. "Good morning, Colonel."

My daughter woke me

My daughter woke me up around 11:30 last night, tugging on my nightshirt.....
Daughter: Daddy guess how old I'll be next week.
Me: how old, sweetie?
Daughter: (holding up 4 fingers) this many years old.....

It's now 7:30 in the morning and my wife and I still haven't convinced our daughter to tell us where she got the fingers from

There was a massive $20m gold heist at Toronto Pearson Airport this morning.

They'll be doing a movie about it called oceans Eh-teen.

A guy visiting a cemetery notices a woman hunched down behind a grave.

"Morning", he says respectfully.

"I'm not," she replies, "I'm just having a pee."

Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter?

Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.

Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds!

What's the first thing a baker does in the morning?

Wake and Bake