The Best 90 Morning Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Morning jokes. There are some morning early jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these morning afternoon puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Morning Jokes and Puns

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Morning joke, I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." H

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."


My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she said "is that the best you can do?".

Morning joke, My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

My Bathroom

I've decided to call my bathroom the Jim instead of the John.

It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the Jim every morning.

You can explore morning noon reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean morning 5am dad jokes. There are also morning puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Last day of work...(nsfw)

I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.

Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.

Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"

What shape is your hair in the morning?

A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

My son was on eBay this morning.

Child services were not impressed with me.

It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.

Morning joke, It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his to

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...

Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Me: ARRRGH!
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.


My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.

If a man's signature is called a "John Hancock" what do you call a woman's?

Historically insignificant.

Full disclosure: Heard on the radio this morning on my way to work.

An 18 y/o boy getting a BJ from and 80 y/o woman and a tightrope walker have the same thought...What is it?

Don't look down!

My Dad broke this one out this morning thought I would share.

A man spits out his coffee

"This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter.

Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.

Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike

It's a vicious cycle.

So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon?

I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?

Precubescent

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

A guy in school said that my clothes were gay

"Well, yes", I told him "they came out of the closet this morning."

Some mornings I wake up bitchy...

Other mornings I let her sleep.

There were two friends drinking and one says to the other

I have a trumpet that tells the hour.
"The hour?" the friend asks.
Yes, yes look.... he grabs the trumpet and opens the window and starts to play it like crazy when all of a sudden you can hear...
"You $#@% it's 3 in the morning"

Catholic

Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."

If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water...

...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

Today someone called my clothes 'gay'

"Yeah!" I replied. "They came out of the closet this morning actually!"

Why don't helicopters fly in the morning?

Twirly.

The bro code

Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.

Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.

A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.

Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.

I sneaked onto a beach early this morning.

The coast was clear.

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

It came completely out of the orange.

For those of you wondering what it's like to be married

I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...

instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

I made a chicken salad this morning

Stupid thing won't even eat it.

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning

He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_

His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_

He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

Actual joke dad said this morning

waitress: How do you like your eggs?

dad: in a cake

I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.

The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".

I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I fart, the room smells incredible.

I fought an erection this morning

Beat it single handed.

My friends told me my clothes were gay...

I replied: "yeah, they came out of the closet this morning!"

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us Β£50M by Sunday morning....

We'll return him back to you.

My wife crashed our car this morning.

When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.

The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.

"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.

"Darling, I don't even know the woman."

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets.

She came home in the morning, and her husband asked: How much did you make?

$804 she said

Which idiot gave you $4 ??? he asked

Well... everyone...

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I'm going for a jog and then I don't...

It's my longest running joke of the year so far...

It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen

Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.

A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said,

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?

Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,

don't let him steer that cargo freighter,

don't let him near that cargo freighter,

early in the morning.

If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water, before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

My daughter was born this morning, July 4th.

It's the day I lost my independence.



(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

A Soviet citizen is buying a car

He finally saved up enough rubles, went to the agency, and paid for a car.

He is told, "Come back on August 8th, 1983 to pick up your new car"

"But that's eight years from now."

"Yes, isn't it wonderful? The wait used to be ten years."

"Okay, fine. August 8th, 1983. Morning or afternoon?"

"It's eight years away. What difference does it make?"

"The plumber is coming in the morning."

My neighbour banged on the wall at 430am this morning!!!!

Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.

They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"

I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, Hey sweetheart, why don't you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?

Well don't you know, she loved my suggestion!

It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how did that cure him?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."

I just did 10 pull ups this morning

These jeans are tighter than I remember

Three ants take shelter from the rain in somebodies bathroom.

The first ant says, I'm going to sleep in the sink
The second ant says, I'll sleep in the tub
The third ant says, I'll get the best sleep of all and sleep in the toilet!

The next morning, the three ants wake up.
The first ant says, I slept great last night!
The second ant says, I also had a great sleep!
The third ant says, I hardly slept at all! It rained, thundered, and a log fell on my head!

If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.

Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

Despite being in my mid-forties, every morning when I wake up, I feel like a twenty-year-old...

But there's never one available.

A golf pro...

...is sitting at the clubhouse bar, when the bartender says:

"Long day?"

"Yeah, spent all morning dealing with these know-it-all's from--"

All of a sudden a man runs in screaming:

"My wife! She's allergic to bees, she got stung between the 1st and 2nd hole!"

The golf pro shakes his head and says: "I **told** her, her stance was too wide."

I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.

They were Basking Robins.

A newly appointed American employee was approached by his Japanese manager.

Manager: Good morning, Dave.

Employee: Good morning, sir.

Manager: Where do you live in America?

Employee: Ohio.

Manager: Okay, I heard you the first time.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the morning midmorning jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working morning thursday piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes