Morning Jokes

169 morning jokes and hilarious morning puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about morning that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Wake up and start your day with a laugh! Read these morning jokes and add a little humor to your weekday. From corny puns at 8am, to morning wood and coffee jokes at noon, get your fill of jokes to start the day off the right way.

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Funniest Morning Short Jokes

Short morning jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The morning humour may include short evening jokes also.

  1. My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It's a girl and weigh 7lbs 12 oz
  2. Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't. It's my longest running joke of the year.
  3. I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
  4. I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
  5. Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning.... We'll return him back to you.
  6. bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning. He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
  7. I was almost upset that my coffee tasted like dirt today but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
  8. My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today "It tastes like dirt!"
    I told him it was just ground this morning.
  9. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
  10. If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

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Morning One Liners

Which morning one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with morning? I can suggest the ones about afternoon and breakfast.

  1. My son was on eBay this morning. Child services were not impressed with me.
  2. Every single morning I get hit by the same bike It's a vicious cycle.
  3. Actual joke dad said this morning waitress: How do you like your eggs?
    dad: in a cake
  4. This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange.
  5. Why don't helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly.
  6. I sneaked onto a beach early this morning. The coast was clear.
  7. I ate a kids meal in McDonald's this morning. His mother was furious.
  8. I was offered a construction job in Egypt this morning. Turned out to be a pyramid scheme
  9. Why does the police officer get up early in the morning? To beat the crowds.
  10. Why is morning difficult in Athens? Because dawn is tough on Greece
  11. This morning I was wondering why the sun wasn't rising... And then it dawned on me
  12. I lost my mood ring this morning. I don't know how I feel about that.
  13. I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning. I'm getting rather good at golf
  14. What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning? Grab a cup of joe.
  15. Met a microbiologist this morning He was bigger than I expected.

Morning Walk Jokes

Here is a list of funny morning walk jokes and even better morning walk puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A general walks up to his private "Private!"
    "Yes, sir!"
    "I didn't see you in camouflage tactics training this morning!"
    "Thank you, sir!"
  • My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: 'You're on drugs again!!!' She could be right.. I'm an only child.
  • A Scot and an Irishman walked into a pub. The Scot said, "All drinks are on me!" News headline the next morning:
  • Minister: "I couldn't help notice that your husband walked out of my sermon this morning." Lady: "Don't take it personally, he's been walking in his sleep for years."
  • I walked out my house this morning... And a man threw milk and cheese at me.
    I thought, How dairy?
  • This morning my wife walked in and started hitting me with a bouquet of purple flowers… She woke up and chose violets.
  • What is the creature that walks on four legs in the morning, three legs at noon and two in the evening? A cat in a minefield.
  • As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home
  • Walking through the park one morning, I saw an old man feeding the birds. After a few minutes of watching him, I began to wonder... long has he been dead?
  • This morning I woke up, changed a lightbulb, crossed the road and walked into a bar. My life's a joke

Wake Morning Jokes

Here is a list of funny wake morning jokes and even better wake morning puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.
  • My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"
  • I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts... They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.
  • Your mama is so ugly Your dad wakes up with morning wouldn't.
  • I renamed my toilet form John to Jim the other day- -that way, I can tell people that I wake up and go to the Jim every morning.
  • Almost every morning, I wake up grumpy... ...but sometimes, I let her sleep.
  • What do you call a Dinosaur that wakes up early in the morning. An AssCrackaDon.
  • This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up. I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
  • Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
  • What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning? She puts her clothes back on and goes home.
Morning joke, What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning?

Woke Morning Jokes

Here is a list of funny woke morning jokes and even better woke morning puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
    His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
    He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_
  • So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound.. Turns out she was just vacuuming.
  • I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god. Its a naan prophet organization.
    I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.
  • I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning. I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.
  • I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy... then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.
  • I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
  • My wife woke up with a smile on her face this morning. God I love sharpies.
  • My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issues. This morning I woke up and chose violins.
  • This morning I woke up to a tap on my front door. My plumber has a weird sense of humour.
  • I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night. I really need to stop drinking on duty.

Early Morning Jokes

Here is a list of funny early morning jokes and even better early morning puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • This morning I came early to my office And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboards as I could.
    Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster.
  • Why do you fly United early in the morning? To beat the crowd.
  • I read this morning there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's. And then this morning I read that there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.
  • Why do bakers start working so early in the morning? Because they knead dough.
  • How fast does light travel? I don't know. But it gets here too early in the morning.
  • I've done some terrible things for money ...... Like getting up early in the morning to go to work.
  • A haiku about early morning starts... No no no no no
    No no no no no no no
    No no no no no
  • Why did the cop get up early in the morning? To beat the crowd.
  • Early this morning I was sitting on the beach wondering where the sun was... then it dawned on me
  • What's the difference between North Korea amd South Korea? North Koreans have no Seoul.
    Thought of this very early in the morning waiting to board a plane.
Morning joke, What's the difference between North Korea amd South Korea?

Share Hilarious Morning Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter

What funny jokes about morning you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sunrise jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make morning pranks.

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

My girlfriend and I began having s**... at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about s**....

Just this morning she said "is that the best you can do?".

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

My Bathroom

I've decided to call my bathroom the Jim instead of the John.

It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the Jim every morning.

Last day of work...(n**...)

I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane c**... early this morning.
Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.
Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"

What shape is your hair in the morning?

A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...

Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Why did the s**... cross the road?

I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.

If a man's signature is called a "John Hancock" what do you call a woman's?

Historically insignificant.
Full disclosure: Heard on the radio this morning on my way to work.

An 18 y/o boy getting a BJ from and 80 y/o woman and a tightrope walker have the same thought...What is it?

Don't look down!
My Dad broke this one out this morning thought I would share.

A man spits out his coffee

"This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter.

Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.

Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

A r**...'s father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon?

I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?

A guy in school said that my clothes were gay

"Well, yes", I told him "they came out of the closet this morning."

Some mornings I wake up b**......

Other mornings I let her sleep.

There were two friends drinking and one says to the other

I have a trumpet that tells the hour.
"The hour?" the friend asks.
Yes, yes look.... he grabs the trumpet and opens the window and starts to play it like crazy when all of a sudden you can hear...
"You $#@% it's 3 in the morning"


Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water...

...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

Today someone called my clothes 'gay'

"Yeah!" I replied. "They came out of the closet this morning actually!"

The bro code

Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.
Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.
A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.
Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

For those of you wondering what it's like to be married

I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...

instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

I made a chicken salad this morning

s**... thing won't even eat it.

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.
He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.
Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.

The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".
I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I f**..., the room smells incredible.

I fought an e**... this morning

Beat it single handed.

My friends told me my clothes were gay...

I replied: "yeah, they came out of the closet this morning!"

My wife crashed our car this morning.

When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.
The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?

It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.

Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.

"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.
"Darling, I don't even know the woman."

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:
"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets.

She came home in the morning, and her husband asked: How much did you make?
$804 she said
Which idiot gave you $4 ??? he asked
Well... everyone...

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I'm going for a jog and then I don't...

It's my longest running joke of the year so far...

It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen

Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.

A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said,

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?

Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,
don't let him steer that cargo freighter,
don't let him near that cargo freighter,
early in the morning.

If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water, before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a s**...."

My daughter was born this morning, July 4th.

It's the day I lost my independence.
(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

A Soviet citizen is buying a car

He finally saved up enough rubles, went to the agency, and paid for a car.
He is told, "Come back on August 8th, 1983 to pick up your new car"
"But that's eight years from now."
"Yes, isn't it wonderful? The wait used to be ten years."
"Okay, fine. August 8th, 1983. Morning or afternoon?"
"It's eight years away. What difference does it make?"
"The plumber is coming in the morning."

My neighbour banged on the wall at 430am this morning!!!!

Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.
They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"
I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, Hey sweetheart, why don't you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?
Well don't you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.

Morning joke, My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

jokes about morning