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Morning Coffee Jokes

129 morning coffee jokes and hilarious morning coffee puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about morning coffee that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Morning Coffee Short Jokes

Short morning coffee jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The morning coffee humour may include short morning greeting jokes also.

  1. I was almost upset that my coffee tasted like dirt today but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
  2. My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today "It tastes like dirt!"
    I told him it was just ground this morning.
  3. Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
  4. This morning I made my coffee using red bull instead of water... ...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...
  5. Simply by replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87%... ...of what little joy you had left in your life
  6. A man spits out his coffee "This tastes like mud!" he said.
    "Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter.
  7. I was drinking coffee in my pyjamas this morning and I thought: "I really should have bought some cups".
  8. I used redbull instead of water for my coffee this morning I was on the highway for 15 minutes before realizing I left my car at home
  9. I didn't sleep so well last night... So this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.
    I made it halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
  10. I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

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Morning Coffee One Liners

Which morning coffee one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with morning coffee? I can suggest the ones about coffee mug and morning people.

  1. This coffee tastes like dirt Well it was ground this morning
  2. What kind of coffee does The Godfather drink in the morning? An alpuccino
  3. "This coffee tastes like dirt!" "What did you expect, it was ground this morning!"
  4. I had an Ethiopian blend of coffee this morning... It didn't taste very rich.
  5. Coffee Has a Rough Time At Work. It gets mugged ever single morning! :(
  6. My coffee this morning is like my ex Hot and bitter
  7. So there's this Jewish Guy who works at a cafe Hebrews good coffee in the morning 😈
  8. Got my coffee this morning, full of grounds, ugh. \#noFilter
  9. I cold brewed my coffee for the first time this morning. It didn't come out so hot...
  10. Where do Egyptian's have their morning coffee? At the nearest "On The Ra"
  11. How did the Jewish man shake up his morning routine? He brew some coffee.
  12. Whats large, hairy and full of rage? My wife when she forgets her morning coffee!
  13. I drank my coffee black this morning... It's stole my sugar.
  14. The morning coffee were so black that it tried to sell drugs to me
  15. I'm no longer stirring my coffee in the morning The bus will do it for me.

Charming Humor Morning Coffee Jokes with Loads of Fun

What funny jokes about morning coffee you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drinking coffee jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make morning coffee pranks.

A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "

How about you go brew us some coffee?"
Wife: "That's your job."
Hasband: "Says who?"
Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."
Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

I like my women like my morning coffee, falling off the roof of my car as I peel out of a gas station parking lot.

I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.

Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

I like my women like i like my coffee...

...Always there to brighten my morning
...Decaffeinated
...Black and strong
...Tall
...Grande
...Brazilian
...With sauce
...Twice before I leave the house
...Right before I smoke
...Bitter and cold
...At the end of the day, scraped off the bottom of a p**...
...Slow roasted
...Ground up in my freezer
...With boiling water poured over them
...Light and sweet
...A day old

All men are l**...

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about n**... women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about n**... women. When I shower, I think about n**... women. When I watch TV, I think about n**... women. It seems everything makes me think of n**... women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Just got this in an email: The ITALIAN f**......

The ITALIAN f**......
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual f**... procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a f**... like this. Whose f**... is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked
and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in
the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law.

She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her. She didn’t survive either."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."

Drunken Epicness

A man comes home one night after being at the local bar. He is absolutely smashed as he collapses on his bed next to his wife and falls asleep.
The next morning he wakes up to breakfast in bed. Toast, Egg and Bacon, Juice and Coffee. He is very confused, so he asks his son as he passes his bedroom, who made him this breakfast.
"Mom did", he says.
"Why?", asks the man, "This is the first time in years she has made me breakfast in bed."
"When you got home and fell asleep", says the son, "you were still wearing your clothes, so Mom tried to undress you so you would sleep more comfortably. Then you started yelling "Get off me woman! I am married!""

f**... procession

Disclaimer: Not my own... I apologize if it's been posted here before.
While going for his morning coffee one day, George notices two hearses driving down the road, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind the man walking a dog is the rest of the procession, a few hundred men following closely... all walking down the street.
A bit sheepishly, the man approaches the dog walker and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but can you explain what's going on here?"
The dog walker replies, "Well, my deceased wife is in the first hearse. My dog jumped up and bit her in the t**..., killing her."
"I'm so sorry to hear that... But, who's in the second hearse?"
"Well, when Rusty here killed my wife, my mother in-law jumped up and started yelling... and well, Rusty killed her, too."
"Gosh, that's horrible," George said. "But... um, do you think I can borrow ol' Rusty for a day or so?"
"Sure," the man replies, cocking his thumb over his shoulder, "Get in line!"

I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.


Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.
He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."
"No problem." I smiled.
He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."
I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."

"Oh man, Juan Valdez died this morning."

Ok, so it's not a 'joke' joke, but that's what you say. Maybe at work, at the bar with friends. Say it in a lull in the conversation. If you're really good, say it while scanning the paper or a news site.
Some people go, "oh!" And some people say, "wait, the Colombian coffee merchant?" and some people say, "oh my god, he *did?*" People always say something.
And then *you* say, "he did, he was assassinated. Someone from a drug cartel shot him with a golf gun. Bizarre story."
And you leave it there.
And if someone presses further, perhaps mention how terrible it must be to get shot by a golf gun.
And you'll eventually be asked, "what's a golf gun?"
To which you say, "don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"

The Native American

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."

A woman pregnant with triplets catches three stray bullets from a drive-by shooting.

In the emergency room, a doctor tells her she and her unborn children will be fine but they could not remove the bullets. He informs her all is well and the children, two girls and a boy, will pee the bullets out in around 16 years.
So around the 16th year, the mother is in the kitchen making her morning coffee when one her daughters runs in, frantic and concerned.
"Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"
Her mother tells her there's nothing to worry about and tells her the story.
Then around noon, the mother is in the garden watering some flowers when the other daughter comes outside and says
"Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!" The mother explains everything and goes back to watering.
That night the mother was laying in bed reading when her son burst into her room.
"Mom! Mom! I was-"
"Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
"No, no!" says the son, "I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"

An older couple on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary

An older couple is sitting down to breakfast on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says "Honey, we were wild and crazy when we were newlyweds. What do you suppose we were doing on the morning after we were married 50 years ago?"
The husband says "We were probably sitting around n**... at the breakfast table."
"Why don't we do that now? You know...for old times sake?" says the wife. The husband agrees and they both s**... and sit back at the table.
The wife leans over and says "Honey, my n**... are as hot for you now as they were 50 years ago."
The husband says "Of course they are. One's in your oatmeal and the other's in your coffee."

We had a outage at my place this morning...

We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop,
TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it
was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this
also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.

Cupcakes.

A mother and her little girl were at the park enjoying a beautiful summer day. While they were there a young couple were getting acquainted behind a thin veil of bushes. The little girl took notice of their actions and asked her mother what they were doing. A quick blush appeared on the woman's cheeks as she brushed off the question. "Oh they're just making some cupcakes."
The next morning the little girl rushed into the kitchen where her mother was enjoying a morning coffee.
"Mommy mommy! You and daddy were making cupcakes last night!"
"Uh, yeah... How did you know?!"
"I licked the frosting off of the couch when you were done!"

A short, crisp, Christianity joke Which I promise is offensive in no way.

So it's early in the morning and the married couple wakes up, both ready for their morning coffee, but none of them are willing to do it. So the wife say's to her husband, " You know, the bible say's that men should make the coffee." Curious the husband asks why and his wife replies "*Hebrews*"

The postman's last day

The postman was retiring and on his final day, some people on his route decided to thank him by giving him gifts. On his last house on his route, a beautiful blonde lady comes out and asks if he'd like to come in with her. The postman agrees and he ends up spending the night with her. He wakes up the next morning to see her cooking breakfast for him.
He eats but when he finishes his coffee he sees a dollar bill at the bottom of the cup. He asks her about it and she replies::
"Oh, when I told my husband we should do something for your retirement, he told me f**...'em, give'em a dollar!'."
The blonde turns and smiles to the postman, "Breakfast was my idea!"

The IT department hates me

I finish my delicious cup of morning coffee and kindly let them know "I successfully downloaded java again!"

The blonde and the mailman

A blonde is sitting at home one morning when the elderly mailman comes to the door.
"I hear you're retiring," she says.
"Yes, ma'am. I'm turning 65, so it's time for me to enjoy my golden years."
"I see," says the blonde. "Well... would you like to come upstairs with me?"
So she takes him up to her bedroom where she spends an hour making passionate love to him. When they're done, she gets her purse, hands him a dollar, wishes him a happy retirement, and sends him on his way.
That afternoon she's having coffee with a friend, and she mentions how she spent her morning.
Her friend is aghast. "Why in the world would you do something like that?"
"It was my husband's idea."
"Your husband's???"
"Yeah. I told him the mailman was retiring and asked if he thought we should do anything special for him. He said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar'."

No cream and nothingness

I was sitting in a small café around the corner this morning, reading a copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness, when the waitress came up to take my order.
"I'll have a coffee with no cream," I said.
"I'm sorry, sir," she said. "We're all out of cream. Can I give it to you with no milk instead?"

A student visits his teacher man early in the morning

And sits on in a chair. The teacher man looks up and offers the pupil a cup of coffee.
"Sure, I'll take a mug of joe," says the student.
The teacher pours a cup, and gives it to the kid. The student takes a sip, and nearly gags.
"The is terrible! Seriously! What is this, mud??"
"Well," the professor replies, "it was ground just this morning."

This morning I made the strongest coffee ever. It's so black a cop kicked in my door and shot it.

I didn't sleep very good last night...

So I put some Monster energy drink in my coffee this morning. I got halfway to work before before I realised I forgot my car.

How much of s**... is work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

An anesthesiologist walks into a bar...

and goes to buy a drink. He sits next to a lonely, beautiful blonde and offers to buy her one too. After a couple hours they head back to her place and they have c**.... Next morning during coffee, she asks him: "Hey, are you an anesthesiologist?". He looks at her and says "Yea, why?" She goes: "I knew it! Last night I couldn't feel a thing!"

My boss said he'd like to see more hop in my step in the mornings

So I traded my morning coffee for beer.

Three mice are sitting at a bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

This morning I made my coffee with an energy drink instead of water.

Fifteen minutes on the highway later I realized I forgot my car in the garage.

A man is walking down the street...

And he sees a gnarled, wrinkled little old lady sitting on her porch. He starts to just keep walking, but he notices that the lady has a huge charismatic smile on her face.
The man walks up and says to her "Excuse me, I Couldn't help but notice how vibrant you look. Can you tell me what you've done to maintain what appears to be such a youthful exuberance?"
The lady responds "Sure, I get up every morning and smoke 2 stogies while I have my coffee with bourbon. Then I have some sausage for lunch, smoke some cigarettes and sometimes a joint before I b**... one of the guys I hang out with."
The man says "Oh my god, we've got to get you on tv! You've lived a long healthy life living like that! Exactly how old are you?"
The woman says "24."

A pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off...

"Thank you for flying with us this morning.
The weather is....."
Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S BURNING!!!"
A ghostly silence reigned.
He gets back on the microphone and says, "I sincerely apologize for the incident, but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap.. you should see my pants!"
One passenger shouts back, "WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE AND SEE OURS!!!"

This morning, I accidentally put redbull instead of water in my coffee

After 15 mins of driving I realized I forgot home my car

My boss was going to fire me over breakfast this morning but the coffee shop was closed.

There were no grounds for dismissal.

I like all my women to be

I like all my women to be
Just the same as my morning coffee,
I.e. liquid and hot,
Often drunk on a yacht
And usually bought for a fee.

This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up.

I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...

Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.
"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.
"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."
"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."
"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"
"Three prison camps so far."

I stopped off to get some coffee on the way in to work today

I took a sip after paying and walking away from the counter, it tasted terrible.
I turned around and told the barista "hey, this coffee tastes like mud".
She replied "well it should, it was just ground this morning".

It's been a rough morning.

Picked up my coffee, handle came off. Put on a shirt, button came off. Grabbed my tool box, handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!

My husband doesn't believe me that the Bible instructs him to make the coffee in the morning.

It's there, clear as day. Hebrews.

Coffee Humor

At work this morning I was informed a coworkers Dad had died. Another co workers wife had a baby.
Later I saw my boss at the coffee p**.... I said " just so you know Jeff's Dad died. On a lighter note Bill's wife had a baby. So we're at a net zero."

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning....

The wife claims, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."
The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"

What did a Jewish guy do first thing in the morning?

Hebrew coffee
Go easy on me with this pun.

A man steps in a diner and orders some coffee...

The waitress brings it over and lies it on the table. The moment the man takes a sip, he spits it out, shouting, "This coffee tastes like boiled dirt!", and the waitress says, "I wouldn't be surprised, it was ground this morning."

My wife made coffee this morning and I ended up with a piece of coffee bean in my teeth at the weekly department meeting.

My lawyer has informed me this qualifies as grounds for divorce.

Agent K: Hey slick, this coffee kinda tastes like dirt...

Agent J: What do you expect, it was ground this morning!

My wife and I went for coffee this morning, and came home with two cats.

Turns out it was cat per chino day.

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...

Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!
Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

I decided to go to a coffee shop today

The barista behind the counter said that I should try a new but expensive brew of coffee. It was $9 but I decided to try it. I took a sip of the beverage, and almost instantly spat it out.
"Wha... This tastes like mud!" I shouted at the barista.
He turned and smiled. "It should. It was fresh ground this morning!"

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

This morning I mixed Red Bull with my coffee

This morning I mixed Red Bull with my coffee. I was more than half way to work before I realized that I forgot my car.

I mixed redbull with my coffee...

So, I mixed redbull with my coffee this morning,
I got halfway to school and realized I forgot my car...

From my 7 year old daughter, this morning: Dad, why was the Starbucks lady blushing?

A: Because the coffee was *soooo* hot!

This morning I was really tired, so I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
________________
Not really a joke, I just heard this years ago and it still makes me laugh.

I'm terrified of running into a knight before my morning coffee

Because until I have my coffee, I'm draggin'.

Coffee filled to the brim

Boss : Muthu, how do you get it right? For 30 years you have been bringing me coffee filled to the brim every morning without spilling it?
Muthu: Before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.

A Christian couple

Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: "Darling, why don't you brew us some coffee?"

Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."
What? Why?

"It's all over the Bible, dearest."

"The Bible says nothing about who's supposed to be brewing coffee!"

The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."

Do you know what it means when you take a sip of coffee in the morning and your eye hurts?

It means you forgot to take out the spoon, d**....

Three mice walk into a bar...

After a few drinks, they get into a heated argument about how tough they are.
The first mouse says, When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. Then, I catch the bar with my teeth and bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite. Only then do I make off with the cheese!
The second mouse says, Oh yeah? Well, whenever I see rat poison, I take it all and grind it into powder. Then when morning comes, I use it to flavor my coffee! It helps me get a nice buzz going for the rest of the day!
The third mouse, checking his watch, sighs, stands up and says I've gotta go. I have a date with a cat.

A man was in a cafe

He took one sip of the coffee, and grimaced.
Walking to the barista, he asked why it tasted so bad.
The barista shrugged, and told him "well, it was ground this morning!"

An old Russian anecdote

I was driving to work one morning when I saw a woman in a neighboring car doing her makeup at the wheel. I was so surprised that I nearly dropped my razor into my coffee!

My co-worker takes a small blue pill with his coffee every day at 8am

He's likes to work hard in the mornings

Coffee

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs

I bought a latte in Costa Coffee this morning, the lady serving said, "Sorry, we don't take fifty pound notes!"

So I had to give her two twenties and a ten.

„I like my coffee how I like my women

„Full of milk?
„Black and strong?
„Steaming hot?
„All over your lap?
„In the morning?
„I will never speak with all of you again.

Why do people who drink coffee In the morning always calling the police ??

Because they got mugged

So I live next to a prison...

One morning I awoke to the sight of a little person breaking out of said prison, hastily climbing down the fence to freedom.
Sipping my coffee I thought to myself "*Well that's a little condescending".*

My wife and I are constantly fighting over who's going to make the first p**... of coffee in the morning.

I think this might be grounds for divorce.

Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc".

Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.

My wife threw coffee remnants at me this morning

My lawyer says I have grounds for divorce

jokes about morning coffee