Mornin Jokes

What morning drink best describes Christianity's mission?

Yakult.

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

This morning I saw a homeless guy talking to his shadow...

Does that mean six more weeks of recession?

This morning I had a leak in my shower...

Wait, WHOAH, that didn't sound right. Talk about a double entendre.
What I meant to say was this morning I *peed* in my shower...

One morning, the CEO of an airline company asked his chief procurement officer:

-- So, what's the deal with airline food?

There's now a morning after pill for guys.

It changes your blood type.

Every morning, I get out of bed and run around the block 5 times.

Then I slide the block back under the bed and go back to sleep.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times...

Then I pick up the block, and put it back in the toy box.

So on the morning of 9/11 then Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf rang up Bush

Musharraf - "Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings... I would like to assure that we had nothing in connection with that..
Bush - "What buildings? What people?"
Musharraf - "Oh, what time is it in America now?"
Bush - "It's eight in the morning."
Musharraf - "Oops... Will call back in an hour."

This morning some bloke drove up to my house in a huge lorry and dumped off a massive pile of lego blocks.

I'm so furious I don't know what to make of it.

This morning I made the strongest coffee ever. It's so black a cop kicked in my door and shot it.

This morning, 50 Cent announced he's filing for bankruptcy.

He also announced he'll be touring with Nickelback to recoup 10% of his losses.

This morning I read about that 14 year boy with a clock they thought was a bomb

...I just checked again and it's really blown up since then

This morning, I was diagnosed with depression in the head.

Me: I cheated on my girlfriend and she found out last night. We broke up.
Doctor: Is this the cause of your depression?
Me: No, I think the chair she threw at me did it.

Sometimes in the mornings I have dirty thoughts about a dead girlfriend

Mourning wood

This morning I was wondering why the sun wasn't rising...

And then it dawned on me

This morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas.

How he got in my pyjamas, I will never know.

In the morning, I woke up on the floor next to my bed.

I must have fell asleep.

The other morning my Mom came downstairs wearing nothing but a very suggestive nightgown.

When I asked, she said it was a Freudian slip.

This morning I woke up confused and in the dark.

Then it dawned on me.

This morning, I tried explaining to my dad why f(y)=y^2 is not exponential growth.

It was not e^asy.

This morning I said to the mirror: "You will go there now and you will ask the girl you like out!"

My mirror then went there and asked the girl I like out.

This morning, someone asked for a donation to the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water

Where do Egyptian's have their morning coffee?

At the nearest "On The Ra"

This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

It came completely out of the orange.

This morning I passed by a car that had a handicap marker and a bumper sticker that read "JESUS IS STILL THE ANSWER".

Made me laugh anyway.

Every morning this week a German Shepherd has been taking a dump on my lawn

Yesterday he brought his dog.

Every morning for 18 years, when I left the house, I'd kiss my wife goodbye.

Then when I left the wife, I kissed my house goodbye.

This morning I was really tired, so I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
________________
Not really a joke, I just heard this years ago and it still makes me laugh.

This morning, everything was coming my way

That's when I realized I had drifted into the wrong lane

I was out one morning with my Uncle Jim

When someone threw a tomato at him
"Tomatoes don't hurt!" Shouted Uncle Jim
The next one did, it came in a tin

'One morning, when Gregor Samsa woke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed into a horrible vermin' - Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis

For the rest of us, we have to do a law degree first.

morning wood is like my childhood...

wasted potential

This morning i said to myself "pete, from now on, no more alcohol"

Luckily, my name isn't pete!

The morning of his birthday, Timmy told his mom, I had a dream I got a BB Gun for my birthday. What do you think that dream means?

You'll know what it means tonight, Timmy's mom said with an encouraging smile. That night, after the birthday cake, Timmy's mom came in with a long narrow package and gave it to her son. Timmy tore the box open. Finally I get a BB gun, he thought. But he thought wrong. The box was empty except for a book called The Meaning of Dreams.

Almost every morning, I wake up grumpy...

...but sometimes, I let her sleep.

This morning I told my wife we were out of protein powder. She replied.....

No Whey

This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week...

Worst running gag ever.

This morning Alabama announced they have discovered a new use for sheep.

Wool.

Every morning I eat French mushrooms...

It's the breakfast of champignons

This morning I wrote a note on my container of spaghetti that read "Marios noodles" and left my lunch in the fridge...

At lunch, I see Luigi eating my Spaghetti!
I say, "Hey, didn't you see the note?" Those noodles were mine! you owe me a dollar!"
Outraged, Luigi stood and pointed at the crumpled up note. "No a pasta fee!"

This morning, I lost my voice

I searched my whole house for it, but it wasn't there!
*badoom tiss*

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

I got Up this morning.

I thought why not since it's a pretty darn good movie.

This morning one of my dreams finally came true.

I dreamt that I had to pee and when I woke up I really had to pee.

At 3'o'clock in the morning, a wife hears her husband stumble in through the door,

She goes down stairs and sees him standing in the doorway drunk.
she says Have you been drinking?
the husband laughed and said No honey, I drove home.
The wife's face drops and she begins to panic.
The husband then starts to freak out and says What's wrong?!
The wife looks at him and angrily says
You can't drive and neither of us own a car.

Every morning when I jog I reflect on my life and I want to throw up.

It's a running gag.

This morning I slipped on a gum ball and landed on my face pretty hard.

Actually it was a jaw breaker

Every morning I tell my wife I'm going jogging

It's a running joke

This morning I was on the way to work, but I wasn't paying attention and ended up rear ending another car. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He looked at me and said I'm not happy.

I replied Well, which one are you then?

This morning when I started work, my boss called me and said, You missed work yesterday, didn't you?!

I said, No, not particularly.

This morning I thought I was going senile when I couldn't remember where I'd put my watch.

Then, fortunately, my wife reminded me that I haven't worn a watch in 5 years.

One morning, a priest gives a sermon on the Seven Deadly Sins

After the sermon, a guy goes up to the priest and says, "Father, thank you so much for giving that sermon. It meant so much to me, and I'll tell you why. I lost my hat last week and I couldn't find it anywhere. I finally decided to steal a new one from the store, but now that I heard your sermon, I'm not going to."
The priest smiles and says, "That's good, my son. The part about 'thou shalt not steal' moved you, did it?"
The guy says, "Nope. After that part about adultery, I remember where I left my hat."

This morning i sneezed all over my toast while eating it...

I can't believe it snot butter...

Why is morning difficult in Athens?

Because dawn is tough on Greece

This morning I was aiming my pee at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my wife gets mad at me

She's way too overprotective of her cereal

Every morning, I always stack my pancakes, bacon, eggs and biscuits on top of each other….

So I can have a balanced breakfast.

This morning I came early to my office

And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboard as I could.
Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster.

If mornings go quickly, and afternoons go slowly, where do the nights go?

To Camelot!

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left outside my front door.

I must have fallen on some hard Times.

This morning my wife walked in and started hitting me with a bouquet of purple flowers…

She woke up and chose violets.

I'm a "morning" person.

Every morning when I wake up, I'm mourning the fact that I'm no longer sleeping.

This morning my wife woke me telling me she had a terrible dream.

She shook me a little and I was still in that half asleep response mode. She says, "I had a terrible dream. I dreamed that we broke up and you left me for some hot 20 year old."
Eyes still closed, I mumbled, "20 years old. That's terrible. Where did I find her?"

This morning I couldn't find my moustache...

it was under my nose the whole time.

This morning, I said to my wife: "you look like a million bucks!"

"All green and wrinkled!"
I'm sleeping in my car tonight.

Every morning I tell myself, "You have so much within you. You can do it!"

And then I sit on the toilet.

This morning for breakfast, I made a Belgian waffle.

For lunch, I'm planning to make a dutch person uncomfortable.

At this mornings press conference, Ron Desantis announced that the state of Florida will be outlawing the consumption and distribution of coffee.

He went on to condemn the beverage as a tool of the WOKE agenda.

This morning, my buddy and his wife had a heated argument about coffee that got really serious

It was grounds for divorce.