Mornin Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

It came completely out of the orange.

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water...

...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee.

After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!

Some mornings I wake up bitchy...

Other mornings I let her sleep.

This morning I was wondering why the sun wasn't rising...

And then it dawned on me

This morning I entered a store...

I noticed the clerk had a missing hand and a watch on it, that kept falling.

\-Why don't you wear it on the other hand?

\-And how am I supposed to put it on, smartass?



I've decided to mind my own business from now on.

Almost every morning, I wake up grumpy...

...but sometimes, I let her sleep.

There's now a morning after pill for guys.

It changes your blood type.

This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up.

I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Morning Jew

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? The schmuck had a paper round!"

This morning I woke up to a tap on my front door.

My plumber has a weird sense of humour.

One morning, Harry wakes up..

...and goes downstairs into the kitchen. It's his birthday. It's the third day of the third month and Harry is thirty three years old. He notices that the kitchen clock has broken and stopped at 3:30am. On the radio, the weather announces that the temperature is 33 degrees. Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, he turns to page three; he sees that a horse called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. He rings up a bookmaker and puts Β£333 on it to win.
It comes in third.

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week...

Worst running gag ever.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast and as I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all and I gave her a banging right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She chuckled, "The egg timer's broken."

On the morning of my sixteenth birthday, my parents decided to surprise me with a car.

But they missed.

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the tee shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks', and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, What was that all about?"

She explained, The egg timer's broken."

Morning Sex....

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

This morning some bloke drove up to my house in a huge lorry and dumped off a massive pile of lego blocks.

I'm so furious I don't know what to make of it.

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lift up as I thought, "I'm either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said "Thanks," and walked back to the stove, her T shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

This morning I saw an ad for burial plots.

That's the last thing I need.

This morning there was a tap on the front door

Funny sense of humour, that plumber.

This morning there was a tap on my door

My plumber has a weird sense of humor

One morning, a man was feeling under the weather at work

so he told his boss that he's going home, since he's not feeling well.

His boss mentions that whenever he's not feeling well, he goes home and makes love to his wife, and that always makes him feel better. He recommends the employee try that and let him know.

The employee agrees and leaves work. Later that day, his boss sees him come back to work, so he asks him if his advice helped.

The employee responds that it did help, and that he's feeling a lot better, and by the way "You have a lovely house!"

This morning my boss arrived at work on a brand-new Lamborghini.

This morning my boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said "wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied "If you work hard, put all your hours in and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year."

In the morning, I woke up on the floor next to my bed.

I must have fell asleep.

Morning sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "you've got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this us going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave her my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "thanx," and return to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzle, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, *"the eggs timer's broken"*

This morning my wife asked me if I would like to yoga class with her...

Namaste in bed.

This morning I said to the mirror: "You will go there now and you will ask the girl you like out!"

My mirror then went there and asked the girl I like out.

This morning I woke my girl with oral sex

This morning I woke my girl with oral sex.

Ohh, what did she say?

"ftop it"

On the morning of her birthday....

On the morning of her birthday, a woman tells her husband, I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?

Maybe you'll find out tonight, he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

This morning I mixed Red Bull with my coffee

This morning I mixed Red Bull with my coffee. I was more than half way to work before I realized that I forgot my car.

This morning, everything was coming my way

That's when I realized I had drifted into the wrong lane

one morning before going to work, a wife asks his husband...

one morning before going to work, a wife asks her husband..."Can you fix our kitchen sink?" but he tells her that..."Hello! am I a plumber?!!" and she also tells him that... "how about our broken table?..." and the husband replies..."Hello! am I a carpenter?!!" and the husband goes to his work... when he came home after work, the husband is puzzled why the kitchen sink and their table are already fixed. So he asks his wife "honey... who fix all of these things?.. she said "a man saw me crying and he asked why.. so i told him that our kitchen sink and table are broken and I have no idea who can fix them.. the man offered his help and gave me an offer that he will fix it in exchange for a cake or sex.." so the husband asks.." so you gave him a cake?.." and the wife tells him... " Hello!! am I a Baker???"

This morning I woke up to a blow job.

Oh wait, my job blows every morning.

Every morning I eat French mushrooms...

It's the breakfast of champignons

Every morning, I get out of bed and run around the block 5 times.

Then I slide the block back under the bed and go back to sleep.

This morning I saw a homeless guy talking to his shadow...

Does that mean six more weeks of recession?

Morning sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

This morning Alabama announced they have discovered a new use for sheep.

Wool.

This morning I was really tired, so I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

________________

Not really a joke, I just heard this years ago and it still makes me laugh.

One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas...

How he got into my pajamas, I don't know.

- Groucho Marx

One morning, a little girl goes into the living room and asks her mother...

"Why did you name me Rose, mom?"

Mom says, "As we we leaving the hospital after you were born, a rose petal fell on your head. So we named you Rose."

The daughter says, "Is that why my little brother is named Leaf and little sister is named Rain?"

"Yes," Mom says. "Exactly."

A fourth child pipes up from beside them. "DARGLE BUBPHHH BIBI MMMMOOMOOO!"

"Quiet, Brick!" Mom says.

This morning I made my coffee with an energy drink instead of water.

Fifteen minutes on the highway later I realized I forgot my car in the garage.

morning wood is like my childhood...

wasted potential

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times...

Then I pick up the block, and put it back in the toy box.

This morning I made the strongest coffee ever. It's so black a cop kicked in my door and shot it.

This morning I woke up confused and in the dark.

Then it dawned on me.

Sometimes in the mornings I have dirty thoughts about a dead girlfriend

Mourning wood

This morning I...

changed a lightbulb, then I walked across the street so I could walk into a bar, and then is suddenly realized: my life is a joke.

I was out one morning with my Uncle Jim

When someone threw a tomato at him
"Tomatoes don't hurt!" Shouted Uncle Jim
The next one did, it came in a tin

The morning of his birthday, Timmy told his mom, I had a dream I got a BB Gun for my birthday. What do you think that dream means?

You'll know what it means tonight, Timmy's mom said with an encouraging smile. That night, after the birthday cake, Timmy's mom came in with a long narrow package and gave it to her son. Timmy tore the box open. Finally I get a BB gun, he thought. But he thought wrong. The box was empty except for a book called The Meaning of Dreams.

Every morning for 18 years, when I left the house, I'd kiss my wife goodbye.

Then when I left the wife, I kissed my house goodbye.

This morning I told my wife we were out of protein powder. She replied.....

No Whey

This morning I read about that 14 year boy with a clock they thought was a bomb

...I just checked again and it's really blown up since then

This morning I went for a run and came back home after 2 mins because I forgot something...

I forgot that I was fat and could only run for 2 mins.

This morning, someone asked for a donation to the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water

This morning I ripped 'afresh' and 'anew' from my dictionary.



Tonight, I will kill again

This morning I was at the atm when an elderly woman asked if I could check her balance

So I pushed her over

So on the morning of 9/11 then Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf rang up Bush

Musharraf - "Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings... I would like to assure that we had nothing in connection with that..

Bush - "What buildings? What people?"

Musharraf - "Oh, what time is it in America now?"

Bush - "It's eight in the morning."

Musharraf - "Oops... Will call back in an hour."

This morning, I tried explaining to my dad why f(y)=y^2 is not exponential growth.

It was not e^asy.

The other morning my Mom came downstairs wearing nothing but a very suggestive nightgown.

When I asked, she said it was a Freudian slip.

It was three o'clock in the morning. . .

. . . and I hear somebody pounding on the front door to my apartment. I open it up, it's my neighbor. Three o'clock in the morning, here he is banging on my door, can you believe it?

Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

I've been having my morning poo at 7:15am every single day for the past 10 or so years

Pity I always wake up at 7:30!

Every morning, I stay in bed until I've watched Toy Story all the way through from start to finish.

That way I always wake up with a morning Woody.

What if instead of a "morning after pill"....

They made a "right before pill" that you take before sex... And what if they tasted like mints so you had fresh breath for kissing too...
We could call them Pre-dick-a-mints.

This morning, I was diagnosed with depression in the head.

Me: I cheated on my girlfriend and she found out last night. We broke up.
Doctor: Is this the cause of your depression?
Me: No, I think the chair she threw at me did it.

What are the funniest mornin jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Mornin? Well, here are the best Mornin puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Mornin pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes