Morn Jokes

This morning I saw a homeless guy talking to his shadow...

Does that mean six more weeks of recession?

This morning I...

changed a lightbulb, then I walked across the street so I could walk into a bar, and then is suddenly realized: my life is a joke.

One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas...

How he got into my pajamas, I don't know.
- Groucho Marx

There's now a morning after pill for guys.

It changes your blood type.

Every morning, I get out of bed and run around the block 5 times.

Then I slide the block back under the bed and go back to sleep.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times...

Then I pick up the block, and put it back in the toy box.

This morning some bloke drove up to my house in a huge lorry and dumped off a massive pile of lego blocks.

I'm so furious I don't know what to make of it.

This morning I made the strongest coffee ever. It's so black a cop kicked in my door and shot it.

This morning I woke up to a tap on my front door.

My plumber has a weird sense of humour.

This morning I made my coffee with an energy drink instead of water.

Fifteen minutes on the highway later I realized I forgot my car in the garage.

Sometimes in the mornings I have dirty thoughts about a dead girlfriend

Mourning wood

This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up.

I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

In the morning, I woke up on the floor next to my bed.

I must have fell asleep.

This morning I woke up confused and in the dark.

Then it dawned on me.

This morning I said to the mirror: "You will go there now and you will ask the girl you like out!"

My mirror then went there and asked the girl I like out.

Some mornings I wake up b**......

Other mornings I let her sleep.

This morning I woke up to a b**....

Oh wait, my job blows every morning.

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water...

...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

This morning I mixed Red Bull with my coffee

This morning I mixed Red Bull with my coffee. I was more than half way to work before I realized that I forgot my car.

This morning there was a tap on my door

My plumber has a weird sense of humor

Every morning for 18 years, when I left the house, I'd kiss my wife goodbye.

Then when I left the wife, I kissed my house goodbye.

This morning my boss arrived at work on a brand-new Lamborghini.

This morning my boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said "wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied "If you work hard, put all your hours in and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year."

This morning I was really tired, so I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
________________
Not really a joke, I just heard this years ago and it still makes me laugh.

This morning I saw an ad for burial plots.

That's the last thing I need.

This morning, everything was coming my way

That's when I realized I had drifted into the wrong lane

This morning there was a tap on the front door

Funny sense of humour, that plumber.

morning wood is like my childhood...

wasted potential

Almost every morning, I wake up grumpy...

...but sometimes, I let her sleep.

This morning my wife asked me if I would like to yoga class with her...

Namaste in bed.

This morning I woke my girl with o**... s**...

This morning I woke my girl with o**... s**....

Ohh, what did she say?

"ftop it"

On the morning of my sixteenth birthday, my parents decided to surprise me with a car.

But they missed.

This morning I told my wife we were out of protein powder. She replied.....

No Whey

This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week...

Worst running gag ever.

This morning Alabama announced they have discovered a new use for sheep.

Wool.

This morning I entered a store...

I noticed the clerk had a missing hand and a watch on it, that kept falling.
\-Why don't you wear it on the other hand?
\-And how am I supposed to put it on, smartass?
​
I've decided to mind my own business from now on.

Every morning I eat French mushrooms...

It's the breakfast of champignons

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

In the morning, the mother wakes up the child "Come on, wake up, you know the quarantine is over and school starts again!"

"But, mom, why do I have to go? I hate school!"
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"One: all children hate me, two: all teachers hate me even more!"
"These are just excuses, get up once and for all!"
"But then YOU give me two reasons to go."
"One: you are 41 years old, two: you are the school principal!"

I got Up this morning.

I thought why not since it's a pretty darn good movie.

This morning I acidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I got half way to work before I realized I had forgotten my car.

Every morning when I jog I reflect on my life and I want to throw up.

It's a running gag.

This morning I woke up, changed a lightbulb, crossed the road and walked into a bar.

My life's a joke

This morning I slipped on a gum ball and landed on my face pretty hard.

Actually it was a jaw breaker

This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator

I was staring at her k**... and she said "Could you please press one?", so I did.

It's 3 in the morning and an elderly Jewish man is flying down the highway at 105 mph. A state trooper pulls him over.

"Where in the h**... are you racing to at this hour?"
"To a lecture, officer."
"Who gives a lecture at 3 a.m.?"
"My wife."

Every morning I tell my wife I'm going jogging

It's a running joke

Every morning when I leave the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It's a vicious cycle.

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on my front step.

I have fallen on some hard Times.

This morning my daughter asked if she could watch t**... videos.

Did you know that sometimes little kids make a t sound when they mean to make a k sound?
Anyway I gotta go I'm in a bunch of trouble.

This morning I told my wife, The only thing I don't like about robes is that you can't p**... in them . She nodded her head understandingly.

I said, Yeah the pockets are just too small.

This morning I was on the way to work, but I wasn't paying attention and ended up rear ending another car. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He looked at me and said I'm not happy.

I replied Well, which one are you then?

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the d**... door you're never going to get in there!

This morning when I started work, my boss called me and said, You missed work yesterday, didn't you?!

I said, No, not particularly.

This morning I thought I was going senile when I couldn't remember where I'd put my watch.

Then, fortunately, my wife reminded me that I haven't worn a watch in 5 years.

This morning I went to a meeting at my p**... ejaculaters support group.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

One morning, a priest gives a sermon on the Seven Deadly Sins

After the sermon, a guy goes up to the priest and says, "Father, thank you so much for giving that sermon. It meant so much to me, and I'll tell you why. I lost my hat last week and I couldn't find it anywhere. I finally decided to steal a new one from the store, but now that I heard your sermon, I'm not going to."
The priest smiles and says, "That's good, my son. The part about 'thou shalt not steal' moved you, did it?"
The guy says, "Nope. After that part about adultery, I remember where I left my hat."

This morning i sneezed all over my toast while eating it...

I can't believe it snot butter...

This morning I was aiming my pee at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my wife gets mad at me

She's way too overprotective of her cereal

Every morning, I always stack my pancakes, bacon, eggs and biscuits on top of each other….

So I can have a balanced breakfast.

This morning, Siri said, Don't call me Shirley.

I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.

This morning I came early to my office

And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboards as I could.
Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster.

One morning a man came into the church on crutches

He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his a**... over by the holy water."

If mornings go quickly, and afternoons go slowly, where do the nights go?

To Camelot!

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left outside my front door.

I must have fallen on some hard Times.

This morning my wife walked in and started hitting me with a bouquet of purple flowers…

She woke up and chose violets.

I'm a "morning" person.

Every morning when I wake up, I'm mourning the fact that I'm no longer sleeping.

This morning my wife woke me telling me she had a terrible dream.

She shook me a little and I was still in that half asleep response mode. She says, "I had a terrible dream. I dreamed that we broke up and you left me for some hot 20 year old."
Eyes still closed, I mumbled, "20 years old. That's terrible. Where did I find her?"

This morning I couldn't find my moustache...

it was under my nose the whole time.

This morning, I said to my wife: "you look like a million bucks!"

"All green and wrinkled!"
I'm sleeping in my car tonight.

Every morning I tell myself, "You have so much within you. You can do it!"

And then I sit on the toilet.

This morning for breakfast, I made a Belgian waffle.

For lunch, I'm planning to make a Dutch person uncomfortable.

At this mornings press conference, Ron Desantis announced that the state of Florida will be outlawing the consumption and distribution of coffee.

He went on to condemn the beverage as a tool of the WOKE agenda.

This morning, my buddy and his wife had a heated argument about coffee that got really serious

It was grounds for divorce.