Morbid Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

Today was a terrible day.
My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Q: What did Hitler get his granddaughter for her 5th birthday?
A: An easy bake oven.

Q: What has 2 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet?
A: The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

Q: Why did hitter kill himself?
A: Because he could not pay the gas bill.

Morbid Humor

What did one casket say to the other casket?

Was that you coffin?

Kind of morbid (sorry)

(From my uncles)
Him: Have you ever fucked a dog as long as you wanted?
Me: NO!
Him: Why'd you stop?

I remember having this little plastic cut out shapes to help with drawing when I was little.

I used to be really obsessive about them actually, I'd spend hours. But there would always be more to draw around.

Then I had this realization, that I'd never be done. I'd run out before I could finish. It was weirdly horrifying and morbid.

But anyway that's the story of my first extra stencil crisis.

Q: How do you fit 100 Jews in a car?
A: Three in the back, two in the front and the rest in the ashtray.

Q: What do pregnant teenagers and their unborn babies have in common?
A: Both their moms are going to kill them!

Q: Where does a black jew go?
A: The back of the oven.

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

How are morbidly obese people and child molesters alike?

Both want to get into smaller pants.

I changed a man's life

I was on my way home from work and I passed by an apartment block. At the top of that 10 story apartment block there was a man, legs perched over the edge, about to do the unthinkable.

I knew I couldn't stand idly by and watch on in morbid curiosity, so I sprinted down the footpath and up the stairs and when I got to the roof I sat beside the man.

In less than a minute I had convinced him to get off that ledge, through the power of speech and connection with a fellow human being, I changed a mans life. And all I said was "Jump."

Q: What is the difference between a Jew and a boy scout?
A: the boy Scott gets to go home after camp.

Q: Why did Hitler kill himself?
A: He saw his gas bill.

A morbidly shy guy with 3 balls walks up to the Doctor

He is hesitant and just doesn't know how to let the Dr know about his condition. After sometime he musters up enough courage to say:

Doc, please help me. Together you and I have 5 balls.

The Doctor responds That's a bummer. Are you sure you have none?

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.

Q: What was Hitler's favorite drink?
A: Concentrated jews.

Q: What is the point of Jewish football?
A: To get the quarter back

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

What has more brains than a dead baby?
The wall behind it.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to shingle a roof?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: What is the difference between Harry Potter and a jew?
A: Harry Potter escaped the chamber.

Q: What is brown, small, and smells of caramel?
A: A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.

I thought of a morbid joke

But I'm not gonna make it.


My girlfriend said this with another joke in mind but I thought the way she brought it up made a nice subtle joke on it's own.

Don't make 9/11 jokes, my dad died at the twin towers.
The best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.

What do you buy a dead baby for its birthday?
A dead puppy!

A morbidly obese man sees a doctor and tells him that neither his horrid diet nor lack of exercise is the issue

"It just runs in my family" says the man.

"No," says the doctor, "the problem is that nobody runs in your family!"

Hitler is daddy!
Hump me!
Fuck me!
Daddy better gas them Jews.

My gas chambers love the smoke.
G-g-gas the Jews.

Q: How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?
A: I don't know, I just like to hear them scream.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Chips.

When you're morbidly obese, you get shut down by lots of people. But the worst is when it comes from parents...


I asked my boss if he'd run over a few things with me.

I think I'm a bit too morbid to be a tractor driver.

Yo mama so damn ugly,her mom throw her out the hospital window when she was born and said"

You ugly ass bitch".

The sheriff's department auctioned off a bankrupt crematorium yesterday.

I was surprised there wasn't morbid, but it's a tough way to urn a living.

Q: What was the one thing Hitler did well?
A: Kill himself.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: One scoop of ice cream and Two scoops of dead baby.

Q: What's the difference between morbid and black humour?
A: Well, black humour is like 10 children in one rubbish bin, whereas morbid humour is like one child in 10 rubbish bins.

Q: What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?
A: Santa comes down the chimney.

I used to have a morbid fear of German sausage.....

Its been hard, Ive been through therapy but now I think I'm over the wurst.

What is the difference between black, morbid and brutal humor?

Black humor - 12 children in one trash can

Morbid humor - 1 children in 12 trash cans

Brutal humor - 12 trash cans in one children

what's the difference between mean and morbid?

mean: five children in one dustbin

morbid: one child in five dustbins

Q: What's faster than the speed of light?
A: A jew passing Germany.

Q: What's red, white, and cries a lot?
A: A baby with a razor!

Q: What do you call a 100 lack people in the ocean?
A: An oil spill

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats.
Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

A morbid joke

If serial killers kill people in series, are suicide bombers parallel killers?

Q: What is the difference between baby and knitting?
A: Knitting is weaved by two needles and one ball, but the baby has been made with one needle and two balls!

Some morbid baby jokes

What's scarier then ten babies in one jar?
A: One baby in ten jars

How do you got a baby in a container?
A: blend it.

Mary held her little daughter,
twenty minutes under water.

Not to care for any troubles,
just to look at those funny bubbles.

I don't know if it's just morbid curiosity but...

I'm dying to go to a cemetery!

Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?
A: They aren't much to look at but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.

Q: How do you know if your baby is dead?
A: Your 3-year-old daughter has put on allot of weight in the last day or two.

Q: What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender?
A: I didn't catch it, I was too busy masturbating.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.

3 europeans come to America.
They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them.
But the europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it.
So the first guy comes back with a peach.
The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you."
So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape.
The native american tells him the same thing.
He laughs and the native american kills him.
They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"
The second guy says, "Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't.
The guilt was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"

An alien lord lands in the middle of the desert and demands to see the ruler of all this planet and make it bow to his will, except he made two grave mistakes, first he landed in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night and second he didn't know anything about the inhabitants.
So he approaches the first life form he finds which was a gas pump and demands it to take him to the leader.
Well it's a gas pump so it doesn't say anything obviously, getting aggravated he demands again but this time pulls his laser pistol and says
"This is the last time I ask earthling!"
Just then his general whispers to him "Hey calm down buddy don't mess with this guy, he's a badass motherfucker".
Shrugging off his comrade he furiously demands a response and after brief moments of silence, he blasts the pump and BOOM!
A huge explosion occurs and they land a mile away.
As they sit there dusting themselves off the alien lord looks at the general and asks "We have conquered the cosmos and all sorts of life forms, I've never seen you sweat in the face of an adversary, how did you know this guy was such a badass motherfucker?"
The general looks over and says "Man if you could wrap your dick around your body 3 times and then plug it in your ear, you are a badass motherfucker."

My ex, Kate, left me because I was "too morbid".

I said, "I hope you suffer, Kate!"

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

What are the funniest morbid jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Morbid? Well, here are the best Morbid puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Morbid pick up lines to share with friends.

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