Howlingly Hilarious Mood Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
A guy is laying in bed reading a book while his wife is sleeping...
Every so often he reaches over and tickles her funny spot. Eventually she wakes up and yells at him saying, "What are you doing, I told you I wasn't in the mood tonight!"
He responds back with, "I understand and respected your wishes".
Irritated she asks, "Then why do you keep touching me?"
and he retorts, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page..."
An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...
After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.
Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!
Drunk homecoming
A man stumbles up the driveway to his house at 6 in the morning, barely able to stand on his feet. He manages to reach the door but finds it locked and then proceeds to knock.
knock, knock, knock....
After a while his wife comes and opens the door, in a less than a pleased mood.
"What possible reason could you have for coming home at this hour!?"
Slurring and struggling to form words, but managing it in the end the man replies.
"Breakfast!"
Mood ring
Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day.
When she's in a good mood it turns green.
When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
Husband comes home and says:
Husband comes home and says:
- Honey, I invited a friend to have dinner with us today.
Screaming she replies:
- What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I did not buy any groceries, the dishes are dirty and I'm not in the mood to cook anything special.
- I know.
- So why did you invited him?
- Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.
So, my girlfriend won't let me wear my mood ring anymore...
...I'm not really sure how I feel about it
My girlfriend got me a mood ring the other day but it didn't come with instructions. So far we know that if I'm in a good mood, it's green...
and if I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on her forehead.
The Rabbit, The bear, and The genie.
A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. The rabbit trips on a glistening metal object. The bear quickly picks up the object which appears to be a silver oil lamp.
A genie appeared forth.
The genie looked at the bear then the rabbit, then back at the bear.
"Alright, which of you schmucks freed me?"
"Me" the bear and rabbit said simultaneously.
The genie looked at the rabbit, then back at the bear. "Alright, I'm in a good mood, so you both get three wishes. Who's going first?"
The bear volunteered. "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female" He said.
"I wish I had a motorcycle" said the rabbit.
"Done and done" said the genie. Next wish?
The bear got a dumb smile and said "I wish all the other bears in the surrounding forests were female."
The rabbit hopped on the motorcycle. "I wish I was wearing a helmet"
"Alright. easy enough."
The bear a grin across his face yelled "I wish all the other bears in the world were female!"
The rabbit revved the engine, put on some goggles and as he sped away yelled "I wish the bear was gay!"
I was mugged today...
I was mugged in an alley today, all they took was my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Whenever my mate Dave starts stuttering, I always try and lighten the mood.
By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.
Hydrogen asks his parents, Sodium and Potassium if he can go to a party.
First, he asks his mom, Sodium. He knows that she is very strict and she will probably say no.
"Na," she says, exactly what he expects
He decides to ask his dad. He is much less strict, and was in a good mood. Maybe he can let Hydrogen go to the party.
"k," he says
You can explore mood demeanor reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mood snuggle dad jokes. There are also mood puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why did your dad visit the grand canyon last night?
Because your mom was in the mood.
I got mugged last night!
The thugs made off with my wallet, my cuff links, and even my mood ring...
I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I got mugged last night! My assailants made off with everything from my shoes to my mood ring...
I still don't know how I feel about that.
I lost my mood ring this morning.
I don't know how I feel about that.
My wife has this mood ring...
It turns green when she's happy, blue when she's calm, and when she's angry it leaves a big red mark right on my forehead.
It was Christmas day.....
and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
My mood ring was stolen today.
I'm not sure how I feel about it.
Mood ring
I got my wife a mood ring. When she's in a good mood it turns a beautiful shade of blue. When she's in a bad mood it leaves an ugly red mark on my forehead.
When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring...
When she was in a good mood, it turned blue.
When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead...
A wife has a c**... day and decides to come home early from work
When she arrives home, she heads upstairs and finds 2 pairs of legs in her bed under the covers. Already in a bad mood, she grabs a baseball bat and has a few swings at her cheating husband and his mistress. Once she's done, she walks to her balcony and finds her husband. He lovingly greets her with "Hi honey, your parents dropped in for a visit, they were feeling a little tired so I let them sleep in our bed".
What Movie does Hillary Watch when she's in a Bad Mood..?
Kill Bill.
My mom just took away my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about it.
My girlfriend's mood is like the graph of sin(x).....
Her mood goes up and down within one period.
Somebody stole my mood ring...
...I don't know how I feel about that.
Someone stole my mood ring...
I'm not sure how I feel about that....
I was checking out at Tesco...
I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".
I was having s**... with this german schoolgirl the other day
I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time
How does an alchemist get his girl in the mood?
Elixir :P
Somebody stole my mood ring
I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
My wife had a terrible mood swing during her period.
She's just o**... acting.
Two vampires walk into a bar
Two vampires sit down at a bar. The first vampire orders a glass of blood but the second one just asks for a cup of hot water.
The first vampire is surprised by this and remarks "Just water? Are you feeling alright?"
The second vampire waves him off and pulls a dripping t**... from his coat pocket "Yes yes I'm just in the mood for some tea!"
What does the peg-legged lesbian pirate say to her girlfriend when she's in the mood?
Scissor me timbers.
Why was Pac-Man in a bad mood after coming home from a date?
I told my wife "Beware the Ides of March!"
I told my wife "Beware the Ides of March! I'm in the mood to do some stabbing from behind, if you know what I mean. "
She said, "I just might die of surprise if you make it to 23 stabs!"
So yeah, only my ego got murdered today.
So I lost my mood ring yesterday...
I'm not sure how I feel about that.
What does a cannibal call a person in a good mood?
a happy meal
Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.
The house is still messed up as usual.
I bought my wife a mood ring.
Found out if she's in a good mood it turns green.
If she's in a bad mood it leaves big red circles on my forehead.
A mugger stole my mood ring from me, but luckily, I wasn't hurt.
I really don't know how to feel about it.
A nurse, who works in the ER, arrives for her shift
she spots a little boy, who is sitting in the hallway, crying his eyes out.
She asks him: "What happend? Can I help you?"
Boy: "My mother just died from a traffic accident."
Nurse: " Iam so sorry, shall I get you a priest?"
Boy: "No, thank you, Iam not in the mood for s**...."
I just swallowed a mood ring.
Not quite sure how I feel about it...
I was told I should rearrange my mood.
But that could spell my doom.
I lost my mood ring yesterday
I don't know how I feel about that.
Michael Phelps is in bed with his wife and in the mood. Phelps gives her 'the look' and says "C'mon baby, I'm ready to go for the gold."
Phelps' wife sighs a bit and says "How about you go for the silver tonight and let me come first for once?"
I was at a hospital, talking to some patients.
I tried to lighten the mood with a coronavirus joke. Barely anyone reacted at first, but eventually everyone got it. However, the Chinese guy got it right off the bat. Some people have called my joke tasteless, however. It really killed the mood. But I bet the British variation of this joke will spread much quicker!
A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified...
"See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"
The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..."
My most common s**... position is 96
It's where me and my wife lie on the bed with our backs facing each other as she is not in mood ..
I hate my mood swings.
#They're great!
A joke for my cake day
Someone stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about that.
A polar bear was shifted to antarctic and it started to have mood swings
turns out, the bear was BIPOLAR.
The biologist
A biologist races into a bar in a celebratory mood. "I've done it!" he shouts to the bartender. "I've engineered immortal frogs!" "How's that?" asks the bartender. "I removed their vocal chords. They can't croak!"
I lost my mood ring
Not sure how I feel about it
I'm giving up on these electric toothbrushes. Mine goes through 2 batteries a week and always starts to smell like fish.
On an unrelated side note, my girlfriend has been in a good mood lately.
A construction worker tells his boss that he has a terrible headache
The boss answers: "Hey, what I do if I have a headache is, I go home and have s**... with my wife, then my head is clear again and I can come back to work"
The worker says he doesn't know about this and prefers taking some medication.
But this doesn't work, and so the boss basically orders him to go and have s**....
Two hours later, the worker is back, smiling and in a good mood, "hey boss, your trick worked, and btw. a nice house you have got there!"
Scientists have discovered a new type of polar bear. It can live in both the North and South poles, is prone to extreme mood swings and has shown interest in other bears of both genders.
It's a bi-polar bipolar bi polar bear
Yesterday I was on a Edible Plants and Folk Medicine Nature Walk
The guide noted that St. John's Wort is believed to be useful for mood, including anxiety and depression.
Older woman who keeps asking questions: "There seems to be a lot here, don't the deer eat it?"
Me: "If they did, they might jump in front of cars less."
The naturalist was able to mostly hold back his smile.
I bought my wife a mood ring.
When she's happy it turns blue.
When she's not happy it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
Walking up the stairs behind Maria, John exclaims
Wow, your a**... is the size of a washing machine!
Maria does not react to his comment. At night, John gets in the mood to make love and tells Maria, to which she replies:
For such a small cloth I will not turn the machine on. You better hand-wash it!
Bill Gates is hanging out with GM's Chairman...
Gates is in a taunting mood. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But, Bill, would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
Sisyphus walks into a bar…
And he asks the bartender for a whiskey.
The bartender asks, On the rocks?
Sisyphus just gives him a long, hard look and says, Buddy, it's been a long day, and I'm really not in the mood.
