The Best 78 Months Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Months jokes. There are some months fortnight jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these months august puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Months Jokes and Puns
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.
It's my longest running joke of the year.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
A woman visits her husband in prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My Gran died of asbestosis.
It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.
Heard about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months
A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.
She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a coma...
6 months later she awakes and she asks her doctor about her babies. And he replies
"Oh you had happy healthy twins. One boy, and one girl. Luckily your brother was here to name then"
"Oh god no" says the woman "my brothers an idiot. What are their names"
"The girls name is denise" says the doctor
"Oh thats not to bad, and the boy?"
"Denephew"
You can explore months month reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean months year dad jokes. There are also months puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A wife sits with her husband, who is on his deathbed...
The husband says, "Darling, I think it's time... I have one last wish before I pass."
"What is it, dear?"
"About six months after I'm gone, I want you to marry Joey, ok?"
She sat dumbfounded for a second. "But, I thought you *hated* that man?"
The husband grabbed her hand and with his last breath whispered "I do."
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender?
They each got 6 months.
My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...
Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!
I just finished a jigsaw puzzle.
It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.
I walked in from work today and my wife was
sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, "What's going on?"
"You tell me?" replied my wife.
I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."
"A stranger, eh?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"
I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...
and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.
Your mom joke, but clever
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.
Turns out they were firefighters.
There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant...
...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.
My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.
It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.
I haven't talked to my wife for 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
A woman wakes up from a coma and...
A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye,
It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.
A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.
After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.
"When one door closes, another opens", he said.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
I had a job interview today.
I was offered the job and told the salary was £7.50 an hour for the first three months and would then go up to £15 an hour.
The guy asked me when I could start.
I replied "In three months."
I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8
Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?
I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.
Judge gave me 30 years.
So I mean who's the real winner here?
Two blonde girls are celebrating at a table...
The waiter comes by and asks "What are you celebrating?"
They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!"
Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.
All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.
Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"
Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."
Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"
My boyfriend is the best cook
With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.
"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?"
Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.
Two kids were talking...
Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin
Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!
Kid 1: Lies!
Kid 2: Ask your sister.
Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!
Kid 2: You will in about nine months!
Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
It said 2-4 years on the box.
A woman threatens her boyfriend
A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"
Our first born is 9 months old and I got to make my first Dad Joke
Wife: Have you noticed he feels a little warm?
Me: Yes, but he is teething, so that is to be expected. He seems to be feeling ok.
Wife: Well I took his temperature just now.
Me: Did you give it back?
Wife: ...
I hate women who lie over the smallest things.
My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.
What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?
You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.
My doctor said I only have 2 months to live...
So I shot him.
The judge gave me 30years.
Husband: "I want a divorce...
My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."
I like my passwords like my girlfriends:
change them every 6 months, never share them and make sure my wife doesn't know any of them
A guy is visiting a museum of natural history.
He's examining some fossils when he asks a curator how old they are.
"Those fossils are 65 million years and six months old." The curator says. The man asks the curator how he can know the age of the fossils so precisely.
"Because they were 65 million years old when I started here six months ago."
I'v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress...
I think I need to go personally to see what 's going on
I spent months inventing a wingless plane
sadly the idea never took off.
I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.
Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.
Did you hear about the guy who spent six months making a belt out of watches?
He said it was a waist of time.
(as told to me last night by my 10 year old).
Two Inuits marry and consummate that night.
The next morning, the bride discovers that she is six months pregnant.
My wife just told me that in 9 months, I'm in for a big surprise...
I can't wait for Santa to come now!!
What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?
3 months of no school shootings.
"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!
- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?"
'Oh f\*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night
She leans in to my mom and says
When is Mother's Day?
My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
Nine months after fathers night
Locked in her basement
A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress
I'm going there in-person to see what's going on
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
You're mom's so slow...
...that it took her 9 months to make a joke.
Your mom is so slow,
She took 9 months to make a joke.
As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.
We know our results months in advance!
Your mom is so slow
It took her nine months to make a joke
You can't take it with you
A wealthy man is on his deathbed. He tells his wife he thinks he has found a way to take his money with him when he dies. He asks her to put some money in a large suitcase and place it in the attic. When his soul leaves his body he'll grab the suitcase on his way to heaven. The wife obliges and does as asked and soon after the man dies.
A few months later the wife is cleaning out the attic and finds the suitcase. "Stupid idiot" she says "I knew I should have put it in the basement."
3 months since I had COVID and I've still got very little sense of taste.
Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends
A woman in my office died.
A woman in my office died.
It's not like I didn't notice but for months afterwards I kept on copying her into emails.
Some people got upset and I was like
'Sorry - I CC dead people.'
Your mum is so slow
It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke
After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school
Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business".
My mom is forcing me out and it's totally unfair...
I've only lived here for 9 months
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died
Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a Cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.
She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe. Darling, Joe"
Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't give me that 'darling' s\*\*t. The deal was very clear: 'Until death do us part'."
Its been months since i bought the book "How to scam people online".
It still hasn't arrive yet...
I bought a book called "how to scam people on-line"
This was three months ago and it still hasn't arrived ?
Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy.
For months nobody has walked into a bar.
2 men go fishing, One has a stutter
The man with a stutter says shh ssshhh sshh . The other man says what is it, did you catch a fish ? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says spit it out . The stuttering man says ssshhh ship!! Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.
Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying ssshhh . The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he's going to get hurt again. The 2nd man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can, the stuttering man says sshhh sshhh Shark!!
I'm so smart it only took me 6 months to assemble a Jigsaw puzzle
The box says 2-4 years
An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And did you bring something home for me?"
"Something, did I forget?" she asks.
"The Italian girl I asked for," he replies jokingly.
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the months february jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working months days piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.