Months Jokes

What are some Months jokes?

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.


They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!

For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.

A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?"

Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...

...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

Two kids were talking...

Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin

Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!

Kid 1: Lies!

Kid 2: Ask your sister.

Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!

Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."






Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...

What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?

3 months of no school shootings.

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8

Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I'm in for a big surprise...

I can't wait for Santa to come now!!

A woman wakes up from a coma and...

A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"

Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."

New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"

Doctor: "Denephew."

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

Husband: "I want a divorce...

My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"

Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."

I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

Your mom joke, but clever

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months?

It said 2-4 years on the box.

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.

After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.

Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter?

Doctor: Denise.

Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew.

A woman threatens her boyfriend

A woman threatens her boyfriend :

"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"

- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.

- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.

- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"

Our first born is 9 months old and I got to make my first Dad Joke

Wife: Have you noticed he feels a little warm?

Me: Yes, but he is teething, so that is to be expected. He seems to be feeling ok.

Wife: Well I took his temperature just now.

Me: Did you give it back?

Wife: ...

My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.

It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.

A wife sits with her husband, who is on his deathbed...

The husband says, "Darling, I think it's time... I have one last wish before I pass."

"What is it, dear?"

"About six months after I'm gone, I want you to marry Joey, ok?"

She sat dumbfounded for a second. "But, I thought you *hated* that man?"

The husband grabbed her hand and with his last breath whispered "I do."

I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.

After that my mugging attempts have been very successful

I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant...

...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.

My doctor said I only have 2 months to live...

So I shot him.

The judge gave me 30years.

I haven't talked to my wife for 18 months

I don't like to interrupt her.

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

I had a job interview today.

I was offered the job and told the salary was Β£7.50 an hour for the first three months and would then go up to Β£15 an hour.

The guy asked me when I could start.

I replied "In three months."

Two Inuits marry and consummate that night.

The next morning, the bride discovers that she is six months pregnant.

I like my passwords like my girlfriends:

change them every 6 months, never share them and make sure my wife doesn't know any of them

Two blonde girls are celebrating at a table...

The waiter comes by and asks "What are you celebrating?"

They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!"

I just finished a jigsaw puzzle.

It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.

I'v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress...

I think I need to go personally to see what 's going on

My boyfriend is the best cook

With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.

What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?

You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.

A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a coma...

6 months later she awakes and she asks her doctor about her babies. And he replies
"Oh you had happy healthy twins. One boy, and one girl. Luckily your brother was here to name then"
"Oh god no" says the woman "my brothers an idiot. What are their names"
"The girls name is denise" says the doctor
"Oh thats not to bad, and the boy?"
"Denephew"

A guy is visiting a museum of natural history.

He's examining some fossils when he asks a curator how old they are.

"Those fossils are 65 million years and six months old." The curator says. The man asks the curator how he can know the age of the fossils so precisely.

"Because they were 65 million years old when I started here six months ago."

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye,

It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.

My Gran died of asbestosis.

It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.

Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"

Heard about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months

I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.

Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender?

They each got 6 months.

"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.

You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

I spent months inventing a wingless plane

sadly the idea never took off.

Did you hear about the guy who spent six months making a belt out of watches?

He said it was a waist of time.

(as told to me last night by my 10 year old).

I walked in from work today and my wife was

sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, "What's going on?"

"You tell me?" replied my wife.

I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."

"A stranger, eh?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"

I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day....

Feed a man to your fish, and feed your fish for like 6 months

A man is watching a world cup final in a sold out stadium

He notices an empty seat just in front of his and says to the guy sitting next to it, "Hey man, how come this seat here's empty? Tickets for this game havee been sold out for months!"

"Well, the seat was meant for my wife, but sadly, she passed away"

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend or relative to come along instead?"

"Nah, they're all at the funeral."

1+1=3

It does take about 9 months though

I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

Did you hear about two guys stole a calendar?

**They each got 6 months.**

A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.

After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?

I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.

Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nice!

Sorry for the typo

They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

After dating for 2 months, she started saying she wanted to meet my parents,

Baby chill I waited for 9 months before I met my own parents

The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.

Haven't looked back since.

I asked my boss if I could have time off work because I was having a baby

When I came back the boss asked So was it a boy or a girl?

I said I don't know, I'll tell you in 9 months

I just became a Dad two months ago and I'm still practicing my Dad jokes, bear with me.

Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months

I don't like to interrupt her.

Since I started dating my girlfriend half a year ago I became a millionaire

6 months ago I was a billionaire.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.





*Last post of this was 6 months ago from my quick search, reposting because it is hilarious.*

My pubic hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.

I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.

I've been trying to kick my roommates out for months now.

But they keep insisting that I call them my parents.

How to make Months jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Months to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Months? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Months pick up lines to share with friends.

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