Months Jokes
168 months jokes and hilarious months puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about months that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your friends and family laugh out loud with these 3 hilarious jokes about months, including one about a doctor and November! From corny puns to clever riddles, these jokes will leave you wanting more!
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Funniest Months Short Jokes
Short months jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The months humour may include short weeks jokes also.
- Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't. It's my longest running joke of the year.
- The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
- I am giving up drinking for a month Sorry that came out wrong
I am giving up. Drinking for a month - "How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?" Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.
- I'm giving up drinking, for a month. *(oops, incorrect punctuation)*
I'm giving up. Drinking for a month. - 4th of July, The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
- The doctor told me I had only six months to live, so I shot him dead. The judge gave me fifteen years. Problem solved.
- I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month. I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
- I hate that September, October, November, and December are somehow the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th months of the calendar year Whoever messed that up ought to be stabbed
- My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher... Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!
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Months One Liners
Which months one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with months? I can suggest the ones about monthly and minutes.
- Your mum is so slow It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke
- Why does Spider-Man's calendar only have 11 months? He lost May
- What bleeds once a month in the mouth? Me, when I remember to floss once a month.
- What is Mr. T's favorite month? April, fools
- Happy ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters! This month, lunch is on me.
- What's the best part about summer in the U.S.? 3 months of no school shootings.
- why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis
- Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy. For months nobody has walked into a bar.
- I set out to lose 10 pounds this month... Only 15 more to go
- You're mom's so slow... ...that it took her 9 months to make a joke.
- I love eBay! Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.
- I completely misunderstood Pride month… Anyway, who wants to buy 12 lions?
- Your mom is so slow It took her nine months to make a joke
- Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar. I am completely dismayed
- Give a man a fish and feed him for a day Give a fish a man and feed it for a month
3 Months Jokes
Here is a list of funny 3 months jokes and even better 3 months puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet! - Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.
- 3 months since I had COVID and I've still got very little sense of taste. Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends
- 1+1=3 It does take about 9 months though
- What does a woman get every month that lasts 3-5 days? Her husband's salary.
- I have a puzzle that has 3-6 years written on it But it only took me 5 months to finish it
- Doctor gave me 3 months to live... I'm so lazy I missed the deadline, that was 4 months ago.
- My Account is 3 Months and 14 Days Old, So It's Not My Cake Day It's my Pie Day
Pie Day's over, get out of my house - I've been dating a cross-eyed woman for 3 months now. But I don't think it's gonna last. We just don't see eye to eye.
- After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up. "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky
- We should have sent the Opportunity rover to Iraq since its original mission was supposed to be 3 months but then it kept going for 14 years for no good reason
18 Months Jokes
Here is a list of funny 18 months jokes and even better 18 months puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I haven't talked to my wife for 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
- A man says to his friend: "I have not spoken to my wife in 18 months... Friend says: "Why is that?"
Man replies: "I don't like to interrupt her." - Man: I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. Friend: "Why not?"
Man: I don't like to interrupt her. - When I was born I was circumcised... It hurts so bad I didn't walk for year. In fact, I was so upset with my parents I didn't talk to them for like 18 months!
- Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn't talking much because he doesn't want to. I could've told her that.
- Analysts are now predicting an exact worldwide repeat of the COVID-19 spread 18 months from now and there is nothing we can do to prevent it It will be 2022.
- The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years But I finished it in 18 months
- Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
- I regret buying that top of the line PC; computing power doubles every 18 months so the computer is now obsolete. I'm feeling buyers remoore's.
- What's the difference between an 18 year-old girl and a washing machine? When you dump a load in the washer, it will not follow you around for two months.
Uproarious Months Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about months you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean seconds jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make months pranks.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
A woman visits her husband in prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"b**...! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My Gran died of asbestosis.
It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.
Heard about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months
A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.
She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
A man is watching a world cup final in a sold out stadium
He notices an empty seat just in front of his and says to the guy sitting next to it, "Hey man, how come this seat here's empty? Tickets for this game havee been sold out for months!"
"Well, the seat was meant for my wife, but sadly, she passed away"
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend or relative to come along instead?"
"Nah, they're all at the f**...."
A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a coma...
6 months later she awakes and she asks her doctor about her babies. And he replies
"Oh you had happy healthy twins. One boy, and one girl. Luckily your brother was here to name then"
"Oh god no" says the woman "my brothers an idiot. What are their names"
"The girls name is denise" says the doctor
"Oh thats not to bad, and the boy?"
"Denephew"
A wife sits with her husband, who is on his deathbed...
The husband says, "Darling, I think it's time... I have one last wish before I pass."
"What is it, dear?"
"About six months after I'm gone, I want you to marry Joey, ok?"
She sat dumbfounded for a second. "But, I thought you *hated* that man?"
The husband grabbed her hand and with his last breath whispered "I do."
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender?
They each got 6 months.
I really identify with the trans movement...
For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?
I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
I just finished a jigsaw puzzle.
It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.
I walked in from work today and my wife was
sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, "What's going on?"
"You tell me?" replied my wife.
I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."
"A stranger, eh?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having s**... for six months!"
I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
Since I started dating my girlfriend half a year ago I became a millionaire
6 months ago I was a billionaire.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...
and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.
Your mom joke, but clever
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a v**...."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a v**... until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.
Turns out they were firefighters.
There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant...
...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.
Husband has 6 months to live
Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"
She says she supposes so, eventually.
"Will he sleep in our bed"?
She says of course he will.
"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"
"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."
My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.
It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.
A woman wakes up from a coma and...
A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew
My p**... hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.
I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye,
It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.
A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.
After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so s**...! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.
"When one door closes, another opens", he said.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
I had a job interview today.
I was offered the job and told the salary was £7.50 an hour for the first three months and would then go up to £15 an hour.
The guy asked me when I could start.
I replied "In three months."
I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8
Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
*Last post of this was 6 months ago from my quick search, reposting because it is hilarious.*
I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.
Judge gave me 30 years.
So I mean who's the real winner here?
Two blonde girls are celebrating at a table...
The waiter comes by and asks "What are you celebrating?"
They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!"
Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.
All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.
Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"
Putin laughs and tell them "s**... globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."
Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil h**...! We need fuel!"
My boyfriend is the best cook
With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.
Two kids were talking...
Kid 1: I bet you're a v**...
Kid 2: I was a v**..., until last night!
Kid 1: Lies!
Kid 2: Ask your sister.
Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!
Kid 2: You will in about nine months!
I've been trying to kick my roommates out for months now.
But they keep insisting that I call them my parents.
After dating for 2 months, she started saying she wanted to meet my parents,
Baby chill I waited for 9 months before I met my own parents
Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
It said 2-4 years on the box.
A woman threatens her boyfriend
A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"
Our first born is 9 months old and I got to make my first Dad Joke
Wife: Have you noticed he feels a little warm?
Me: Yes, but he is teething, so that is to be expected. He seems to be feeling ok.
Wife: Well I took his temperature just now.
Me: Did you give it back?
Wife: ...
I hate women who lie over the smallest things.
My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.
What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?
You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.
My doctor said I only have 2 months to live...
So I shot him.
The judge gave me 30years.
Husband: "I want a divorce...
My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."
I like my passwords like my girlfriends:
change them every 6 months, never share them and make sure my wife doesn't know any of them
I just became a Dad two months ago and I'm still practicing my Dad jokes, bear with me.
Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control.
Did you hear about two guys stole a calendar?
**They each got 6 months.**
A guy is visiting a museum of natural history.
He's examining some fossils when he asks a curator how old they are.
"Those fossils are 65 million years and six months old." The curator says. The man asks the curator how he can know the age of the fossils so precisely.
"Because they were 65 million years old when I started here six months ago."
I'v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress...
I think I need to go personally to see what 's going on
I spent months inventing a wingless plane
sadly the idea never took off.
I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.
Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.
Did you hear about the guy who spent six months making a belt out of watches?
He said it was a waist of time.
(as told to me last night by my 10 year old).
Two Inuits marry and consummate that night.
The next morning, the bride discovers that she is six months pregnant.
My wife just told me that in 9 months, I'm in for a big surprise...
I can't wait for Santa to come now!!
I asked my boss if I could have time off work because I was having a baby
When I came back the boss asked So was it a boy or a girl?
I said I don't know, I'll tell you in 9 months
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day....
Feed a man to your fish, and feed your fish for like 6 months
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months.
P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nice!
Sorry for the typo
They say that s**... is the best form of exercise
Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.
The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.
Haven't looked back since.
Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?"
'Oh f\*c**...,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night
She leans in to my mom and says
When is Mother's Day?
My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
Nine months after fathers night
Locked in her basement
A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her s**... s**....
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
My best friend passed away recently..
Grieving before his grave I said,
Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?
A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy my prayer worked.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
The joke industry has been hit particularly hard by Covid
Nobody has walked into a bar in months.
After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on
I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying
It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress
I'm going there in-person to see what's going on
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
