months Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious months stories

What are the best Months puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Months? Well here is a complete list of Months dad jokes:

A little girl asks her mother, Mommy, how was I born?

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.


Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.


My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.

They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!

For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.


A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"


My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.


The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.


My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!


A woman was in a coma,

and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".


A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"

Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."

New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"

Doctor: "Denephew."


A farmer has an impotent bull.

After months of desperation and trying everything he asks for the help of a fellow farmer, who tells him to show the bull some hardcore porn. Despite the silly advice, he has nothing to lose. He sets up a projector in the barn and showers the bull with porn 24/7 for several days, and exposes him to the cows afterwards. Sure enough, the bull jumps on the first cow he lays his eyes upon and starts humping like a champ as the farmer watches in joy, which quickly turns into horror as the bull pulls out and proceeds to cum all over the cow's face.


An Italian Girl

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you, honey", she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks:

"So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" she asks.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!"

"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."


A wife sits with her husband, who is on his deathbed...

The husband says, "Darling, I think it's time... I have one last wish before I pass."

"What is it, dear?"

"About six months after I'm gone, I want you to marry Joey, ok?"

She sat dumbfounded for a second. "But, I thought you *hated* that man?"

The husband grabbed her hand and with his last breath whispered "I do."


I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.


The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


A pregnant woman falls into a coma..

A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 6 months later she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: Don't worry. You had twins, a boy and a girl and your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: That's not too bad. What about the boy?

Doctor: Denephew


So this guy is stranded on an island with a goat and a dog.

Days pass.. then weeks... then months... and years pass with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have sex.

So he looks around and sees the goat. Comes up with the idea to have sex with it. He positions her right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pants down, he sees the dog just staring at him. Uncomfortable, he decides to try again the next day.

Next day comes and he guides the goat to a hill side where he would like to do his deed. Just as he's about to pull his pants down, out of nowhere, he sees the dog staring at him. He gives up again.

A few days go by and he sees a boat sinking offshore. He hears this women screaming for help. He swims to her rescue and the woman is grateful to him.

Thanking him she says, "Can I do anything to repay you."

He replies, "Anything?"

"Yes, anything." she answers.

So then he asks, "Okay. Can you take the dog out for a walk?"


Baseball in Heaven

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:

"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."

Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.

"Who's there?" he called out.

"Moe! It's me Sam!"

"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.

"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.

"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.

"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."

"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."


A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a coma...

6 months later she awakes and she asks her doctor about her babies. And he replies
"Oh you had happy healthy twins. One boy, and one girl. Luckily your brother was here to name then"
"Oh god no" says the woman "my brothers an idiot. What are their names"
"The girls name is denise" says the doctor
"Oh thats not to bad, and the boy?"


My Gran died of asbestosis.

It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.


A Russian captain and an American captain debate which country builds the best submarines...

They are standing at a harbor and they've been arguing for hours. The American says "Our subs have such efficient air filter systems that they can stay underwater for months at a time".

The Russian replies:"A few months? Laughsble. Our Russian subs have such advanced air filters that they can stay submerged for up to a year"

As the American opens his mouth to voice his reply, he's suddenly interrupted as a massive submarine surfaces right in front of them.A man steps out, looks at them and screams: "Heil Hitler, have we won ze war?"


Hi Alan – It's John from next door. I need to talk to you about

something I am very ashamed of and know you will probably be quite angry about. The last 3 months we have been sharing your wife. Not every day, but at least 3 times a week and my girlfriend found out yesterday and is making me tell you. I didn't want to tell you face to face so decide to message you. Sorry buddy.

Damn Straight it wont happen again says Alan as he stares at the screen of his phone. With this, he goes to the bedroom, takes his gun and goes into the kitchen where his other half is preparing dinner. Without a word he shoots her twice in the head.

As her lifeless body drops to the floor, Alan's phone receives another message: John again from next door – stupid autocorrect, sure you saw the typo. Anyway we have our own router and broadband now, it wont happen again.


Heard about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months


Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender?

They each got 6 months.


The problem with getting married in heaven..

On their way to get married a couple gets into a fatal car accident. They are sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to turn up and register them. While they're waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone's ever asked. Let me go and
find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits around for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all, What if it doesn ' t work out, they wonder. Are we stuck together forever?

St. Peter returns after another month looking somewhat worn out. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in heaven. "

" Great , " says the couple, " but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven? "
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What ' s wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Christ!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to find a lawyer? "


You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They each got six months.


The British, the French, and the Irish

The British wanted to find out why the head of a mans penis was larger then the shaft. So, they spent about $150 million and a month to conduct their tests. They concluded that it was to give the male more pleasure during sex. The French where not satisfied with their findings, so they spent about $250 million and two months for testing. They concluded that it was to give woman more pleasure during sex. The Irish where not satisfied with these findings. So with a budget of about $75.86, two weeks, and a lot of beer, they concluded that it was to stop your hand from smacking yourself in the forehead. Stolen from u/killerwarpig22


A man is diagnosed with a terminal illness...

He goes to his friend who is also a doctor for a second opinion.

Doctor says, "I've reviewed the test results- You've only got about 6 months left to live." The man says, "Doc give it to me strait is there anything I can do?!" Doc says, "As a your doctor or as your friend?" - "as a friend, doc."

This is what the doctor told him...

"If I was you, I'd move to North Dakota- Marry a fat German woman with a pig farm and 7 kids."
"What will that do, Doc? Will that cure me?"

He says, "No, but it will be the longest 6 months of your life."


A few months after his parents were divorced...

Little Johnny passed by his mother's bedroom to find her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next few months, this continued. When Little Johnny came home from school one day, he heard his mother moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, ripped off his clothes, threw himself onto his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a PS4, I need a PS4!"


A man is watching a world cup final in a sold out stadium

He notices an empty seat just in front of his and says to the guy sitting next to it, "Hey man, how come this seat here's empty? Tickets for this game havee been sold out for months!"

"Well, the seat was meant for my wife, but sadly, she passed away"

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend or relative to come along instead?"

"Nah, they're all at the funeral."


I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!


Did I tell you about my Viagra addiction?

It was the hardest 6 months of my life.


Devoted wife

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

"You know what? "

"What, dear? " his wife asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck. "


The dinosaur at the museum

A guy is visiting a museum and he sees a dinosaur's skeleton.

Curious about it, he asks the guard next to it:

- Excuse me, sir. How old is this dinosaur?

- It is 65 million years, 4 months and 13 days old.

Amazed by his answer, he says:

- Wow!, How can you be so precise about it?

- Well, when I first started working here, they told me it was 65 million years old... and that was 4 months and 13 days ago.


An English Girl..

WIFE: "I'm going to LONDON. What gift do you want?"
HUSBAND: "An English girl."
After a month, wife returns..
HUSBAND: "Where is my gift?"
WIFE: "Wait for nine months!"


I bet he felt pretty good about himself...

A man walks into the local sporting goods store with the hopes of purchasing some ammunition, as he has every Saturday for the past two months (with nothing but bare shelves), despite the recent shortage. Much to the man's luck, the store just received a large shipment of ammo that morning and he is the first customer in line. Knowing he had to take advantage of the opportunity, he buys 2,000 rounds each of .45's and 9mm's. Happy that he was finally able to find some ammo, he loads his purchase into the back of his pick-up truck and heads to the range. On the way, he stops at a gas station to fill up. A beautiful, buxom blonde pulls up next to him and notices the thousands of rounds of ammo in his truck bed. Well aware of the ammo shortage, and being an avid shooter herself, she decides to offer the man a proposition: "I couldn't help but notice all the ammo in the back of your truck," she purrs, "how about we trade some ammo for a little sex?" The man considers her offer, knowing his previous difficulty. "Sure", he says, "what kind of ammo you got?"


My Sadie

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.
One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"
"What Dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck."


The Mango Slicer

Pedro worked in a fine Goan pickle factory.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the mango slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from theΒ factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Pedro to go aheadΒ and do it or heΒ would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Tecla, becameΒ alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Pedro tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis inΒ the mango slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally wentΒ ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Tecla gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down hisΒ pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the mango slicer?"

Pedro replied, "She got fired, too."


Have you heard about the two guys who tried to steal a calendar?

They each got six months


A dad and his son... about the son's first car. The father strikes a deal with his son, "Cut your hair, improve your grades to a B- average, study up on the bible, and then I'll buy you a car." The son, seeing no other option, agrees. Two months later the dad checks in on the son to see him with long hair, reading the bible, and a positive report card. The dad says "son, I'm glad you're studying the bible and raised your grade, but why haven't you cut your hair?" The son replies "well dad, as I read through the bible, it says Moses had long hair, Abraham had long hair, and there is even evidence that Jesus had long hair." Then the dad says "yeah, but notice how they walked everywhere".


A pregnant mother of three is walking down a alley...

The Mother gets shot 3 times and each bullet gets lodged in each of the babies with no serious damage done to the mother or the babies. Months later the babys are born, two beautiful girls and a boy. One day the one of the little girls goes to the bathroom and comes out and says to the mother "mommy! mommy! Guess what?!" And the mom asks "what?" And the little girl says "I went tinkle and the bullet fell out!" And the mother says "wow that's great!" A few hours later the other little girl goes into the bathroom and comes out and says "mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" And the mom goes "what, you went tinkle and the bullet fell out?" And the girl goes "yeah!" Hours later the little boy runs up the mother and says "Mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" And the mom says "what, You went tinkle and the bullet fell out?" And the boy says "No I was jacking off and I shot the dog!!"


The thief who stole my calendar...

Got 12 months.


Working in a mental institution

There was a nurse in a mental institution. As he was doing his rounds, he saw a patient dribbling and imaginary basketball and then shooting it. The nurse said "What are you doing?" The man replied, "I get out in 2 months and I'm going to the NBA." The nurse laughed and moved on

The next room he went to he saw a man swinging an imaginary gold club. The nurse said "What are you doing?" The man replied "I get out in 4 months and I'm going to be a pro golfer." The nurse laughed and moved on.

The nurse then visited his final room and saw a man jogging in pace. The nurse said "And what are you doing?" The man replied, "I'll be out in a year and I'm gonna run in the Olympics!"

The nurse walked down the hall to go to the office. On the way he saw a man, naked, covered in peanuts, thrusting. The nurse went in and screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" The man replied, "I'm fucking nuts and I ain't never getting out of here!"


The Captains Wife

The crew of a US navy battle ship was back home after many months of being out to sea. To celebrate, the captain of the ship organized a formal ball and the entire crew was there in thier unforms. The big band was playing and the sailors were hitting the bar and drinking hard as they admired the Captains beautiful wife sitting at the head table with the captain himself.

One of the drunken sailors spoke up, "Im gonna ask the capins wife ta dance wit me!" The other sailors just laughed at him as he swaggered on down to the captains table. Sailor says, "Hey Capin, may I dansh wit your wife?" The captain, having been drinking himself, nodded the OK.

Stunned, the other sailors watched as their lowly shipmate and the captains wife engaged in a slow dance. The sailor having been out to sea for several months was very happy to be dancing with this beautiful woman.

After a few minutes of dancing the captains wife speaks up and says, "My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?" The sailor speaks into her ear and says, " I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."


An old Scottish man sits next to a young man at a bar.

The old man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea...Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

"But ya fuck one goat..."



A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they could not decide what to do about it.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".

"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".

"You gave birth to a child!".

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."


A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a woman who has been in a coma for months....

When she runs the sponge up the woman's thigh the monitor beeps.
The nurse runs to the doctor and tells him this! He comes back, she does it again, and they are both shocked.
So they call the husband in and tell him what has happened.
"I know this is awkward, but we are going to suggest that you have oral sex with your wife." Says the doctor to the husband.
"Oh... Okay... If you think it will help..." Replies the husband. And he goes into the room and shuts the door behind him.
About ten minutes later the husband comes out and says,
"She's.... She's dead."
The nurse and doctor are shocked! "What happened?!?"
The husband replies,
"Well... She probably choked to death."


A city slicker moves out to the country...

After about 3 months of no human contact the city slicker sees a dust cloud off in the distance. After a few hours the dust cloud get's closer and it's a cowboy on horseback.

Cowboy: Howdy! I'm your neighbor. I live on the next farm over, which is just a day's ride away. And I've come here to invite you to a welcoming party at my ranch.

City: Well that's awfully nice of you, i'd really appreciate that.

Cowboy: Now I must warn you that there's gonna be a little drinking, I hope that you're okay with that?

City: Well that'll be just fine I haven't had a drink in months.

Cowboy: Alright, but i must warn ya, they may also be a little dirty dancing too.

City: Shoot, that sounds great!

Cowboy: Well, you know how party's can get, there might also be a little fucking.

City: Hey, that sound fantastic! I can't wait!!

Cowboy: You sure? Because it's just gonna be the two of us.


I heard that Yoga class was a great place to meet women

So I went every day for three months. Bad news is I didn't meet a girl. Good news is I can now give myself a blowjob.


My girlfriend just freaked me out...

she gave me a blow job but insisted on role playing as a 12 year old.Fucking weird and gross. I was like "You're going to be 12 in a couple of months, what's the rush?


A man ordered two drinks at once every day...

The bartenders curiosity got the better of him, and he asked "Why not just get a double?"
The man answered "I'm drinking one for myself and one for my buddy that didn't make it back from Iraq."
After a couple of months, the man started ordering just one drink. The nosy bartender asked what's up.
"My doctor told me I have to quit drinking."



You've red some of the best months jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about months. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty months gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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