It's my longest running joke of the year.
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
She got knocked up, but she got down again.
Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin
Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!
Kid 1: Lies!
Kid 2: Ask your sister.
Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!
Kid 2: You will in about nine months!
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
3 months of no school shootings.
Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.
Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!
Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?
I can't wait for Santa to come now!!
A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."
My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.
It said 2-4 years on the box.
Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
Turns out they were firefighters.
After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.
A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"
Wife: Have you noticed he feels a little warm?
Me: Yes, but he is teething, so that is to be expected. He seems to be feeling ok.
Wife: Well I took his temperature just now.
Me: Did you give it back?
Wife: ...
It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.
The husband says, "Darling, I think it's time... I have one last wish before I pass."
"What is it, dear?"
"About six months after I'm gone, I want you to marry Joey, ok?"
She sat dumbfounded for a second. "But, I thought you *hated* that man?"
The husband grabbed her hand and with his last breath whispered "I do."
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.
So I shot him.
The judge gave me 30years.
I don't like to interrupt her.
Judge gave me 30 years.
So I mean who's the real winner here?
I was offered the job and told the salary was £7.50 an hour for the first three months and would then go up to £15 an hour.
The guy asked me when I could start.
I replied "In three months."
The next morning, the bride discovers that she is six months pregnant.
change them every 6 months, never share them and make sure my wife doesn't know any of them
The waiter comes by and asks "What are you celebrating?"
They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!"
It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.
I think I need to go personally to see what 's going on
With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.
You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.
6 months later she awakes and she asks her doctor about her babies. And he replies
"Oh you had happy healthy twins. One boy, and one girl. Luckily your brother was here to name then"
"Oh god no" says the woman "my brothers an idiot. What are their names"
"The girls name is denise" says the doctor
"Oh thats not to bad, and the boy?"
"Denephew"
He's examining some fossils when he asks a curator how old they are.
"Those fossils are 65 million years and six months old." The curator says. The man asks the curator how he can know the age of the fossils so precisely.
"Because they were 65 million years old when I started here six months ago."
It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.
It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.
All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.
Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"
Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."
Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"
They both got 6 months
Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.
They each got 6 months.
- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.
They each got six months.
sadly the idea never took off.
He said it was a waist of time.
(as told to me last night by my 10 year old).
sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, "What's going on?"
"You tell me?" replied my wife.
I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."
"A stranger, eh?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"
I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"
Feed a man to your fish, and feed your fish for like 6 months
He notices an empty seat just in front of his and says to the guy sitting next to it, "Hey man, how come this seat here's empty? Tickets for this game havee been sold out for months!"
"Well, the seat was meant for my wife, but sadly, she passed away"
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend or relative to come along instead?"
"Nah, they're all at the funeral."
It does take about 9 months though
For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!
**They each got 6 months.**
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?
I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
They both got 6 months.
P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nice!
Sorry for the typo
Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.
Baby chill I waited for 9 months before I met my own parents
Haven't looked back since.
When I came back the boss asked So was it a boy or a girl?
I said I don't know, I'll tell you in 9 months
Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control.
I don't like to interrupt her.
6 months ago I was a billionaire.
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
*Last post of this was 6 months ago from my quick search, reposting because it is hilarious.*
I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.
But they keep insisting that I call them my parents.
We have collected gags and puns about Months to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Months? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Months pick up lines to share with friends.