Month End Jokes
74 month end jokes and hilarious month end puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about month end that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Month End Short Jokes
Short month end jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The month end humour may include short new month jokes also.
- Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us? It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
- I've gone from agony to ecstasy in this last week. Hopefully, by the end of this month... ...I'll be done reading this dictionary.
- If Netflix ran the world, a year would only be 6 months... Cause it would end after 2 seasons.
- Daylight Saving Time ends today. So I have to remind myself, that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months.
- Women shouldn't have to be in prison for more than a month. Because their period should be the end of their sentence.
- Pornhub was sued a few months ago by xhamster The trial was long and hard, but ended with a hung jury
- Why when theyre arrested do women only spend a month in jail? Because a period marks the end of a sentence
- The meaning of the word "Poor" Poor (noun) = When you have too much month at the end of your money
- Last year, my friend William moved to China and spent 6 months teaching ESL. He ended up falling in love and getting married. And now? Where there's a Will, there's a Wei.
- In the past week, I went from agony to ecstasy. At this rate, I'll finish reading the dictionary by the end of the month.
Share These Month End Jokes With Friends
Month End One Liners
Which month end one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with month end? I can suggest the ones about may month and time of the month.
- I'm starting a new diet. It's called 2 Dollars a day until the end of the month.
- If you elect me as president I promise to end 2020 in less than 7 month.
- What Month Is It? No, not January.
June.
We've just seen the end of May. - Salary is like a period – you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week.
- Why didn't the world end on 12/21/2012 We sacrificed 20 virgins a month before.
Month End Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about month end you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean monthly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make month end pranks.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932.
The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
“I invested that nickel in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80.
After that, the old rich man continued, I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head.......
After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."
The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an deserted island."
He continued, "after several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes."
"My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her."
To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you."
"My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days."
The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man...and what is your final wish?"
"Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you."
The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work."
Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"
There are 4 levels of cheerios in this world.
The levels are, from bottom to top, regular, chocolate, honey nut, and the highest level is the status of Froot Loops. Jim is a regular old cheerio, and is unhappy with his life. So he studies for weeks and weeks, takes the test, and becomes a chocolate cheerio. He parties for a while, makes lots of new friends, but then becomes bored. So Jim studies for months and months to become a honey nut cheerio, takes the test, and becomes a honey nut cheerio. Life as a honey nut cheerio is much better, there are many more places to go, and many more things to see and do. But Jim is greedy, and needs more from life. So he studies for years and years to become a Froot Loop, the highest of the high positions on the social ladder. He takes the test, but fails. Jim becomes depressed, and thinks about s**..., but sees light at the end of the tunnel. So he studies even more, takes the test, and passes. Jim is ecstatic, and makes many more friends. He decides to throw a party, so he goes to the supermarket to get drinks. First he looks at beer, but the line for beer was too long, so he moves on. He goes to get juice, but the line there was also to long. He went to the punchline but there was none.
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away r**....
Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today."
"Captain please don't let that stay in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.
"Yes, its true," the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries.
The first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today."
Bob, John, Fred and James were golfing....
They're on the 13th fairway and Fred is about to take his approach shot when a f**... procession turns the corner and proceeds down the road parallel to the fairway. Fred lays his club down and takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. He stays like this until the hearse at the end of the procession is out of sight. The other guys look on in awe stuned at Fred's act. James finally says: "Fred, that was very touching of you to honor the dead in such a fashion." Fred replies: "Yep, we would have been married 22 years next month."
A new CEO starts his first day
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
The secret to wealth
A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money.
The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."
"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."
There's this penguin...
There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.
Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He got out, and with all his strength in his weak flippers, he pushed the car over hill and dale.
"Whew!" he sighed.
As luck would have it, there was a mechanic in town, and he told the penguin that he'd have to spend some time with the car. "Why don't you come back in an hour or so?"
Wiping the sweat from his brow, the penguin espied an ice cream shoppe! "Hurray and yippy!" he cried! "I'll be back, toot sweet!" he said.
He ordered the tallest vanilla ice cream he could hold between his vestigial wings... those miserable fins could barely manage the scoops upon scoops of creamy goodness. The cone was so tall that more of it ended up on the penguin than in him!
"Yummy! That was very very good!" the penguin said, smacking his lips.
He waddled back to the mechanic who was ready to give the little fellow an update. The mechanic looked at the penguin sternly. The gaskets and seals on the engine were severely damaged after years of driving without a routine check, and it was certainly going to be expensive.
"Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
"Oh no, that's just ice cream!" the penguin said, wiping the ice cream from his chin.
Heard this one 20 years ago in India
At Sunday mass in a small coastal town, the preacher decides to address the increasing promiscuity of the locals. People were beginning to have more and more pre-marital s**..., more children were being born out of wedlock and the number of teenage mothers was on the rise. The fact that it was a tourist spot also meant that one-night flings with visitors was now commonplace.
"In Corinthians 6:18-20 the lord says Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body."
Continuing in the same vein, he hopes that he is shaming the audience into repentance so that they may amend their ways. As a grand flourish, he ends with, "Now let those among you who have saved themselves for the Lord stand up, so we may gaze upon thee and admire thee."
No one stands up, and all avert their gaze and look at their shoes.
Then, a young mother with a five month old-baby girl stands up at the back.
Everyone is taken aback and the preacher is flustered. "Did you not understand my instruction? Only those who have not had s**... congress may stand!"
"Well, father", the young mother replies, "you can hardly expect this baby to stand up by herself, now, can you?"
There was a support group for ugly people.
and each month when they would meet, there would be a small bus to pick them all up and take them to the meeting. Well one stormy night after picking everyone up the bus driver lost control of the bus on a bridge and it plummeted into the water and all of those hideous ugly people drowned.
So they go to heaven and St. Peter is there and he says
"Wow, you guys had it rough! I mean look at you!"
and then he says
"You know what? I am going to give each of you one wish, and then send you back to earth, here line up and tell me what your wish is."
So the ugly people lined up and the person in the front of the line says
"Oh I got it!, I want to be beautiful!"
So St. Peter complied.
The next person in line sees what happened to the first person
and says "Make me beautiful too!"
So he did.
At that moment, there seemed to be someone giggling from the end of the line. St. Peter didn't know what was so funny but he kept on granting wishes and one by one each person in line asked to be beautiful.
Finally St Peter gets to the end of the line and the last person is just about to explode with laughter. He can hardly contain himself.
St Peter says... "Ok.. what is your wish?"
and the man says
"Make em' all ugly again!"
One I remember from high-school (kids, stay away)
So, there are these two guys and a woman who get stranded on an island.
After a couple of months of trying to escape and learning to survive, they decide to tough it out on the island until someone comes by and rescues them.
With the obvious urges exceedingly present and with their lack of options, they decide to enter into a ménage à t**... -- the deal being that the woman will spend one week with one of the men, and then switch.
This goes on for a couple of years, and no one comes to the rescue. They live and prosper on the island until one day, the woman suddenly dies.
Her two lovers, obviously upset at her death, continue to live on the island, still hoping for escape, but with their hope at lengths' end.
The first week after her passing is terrible.
The second week is excruciating.
The third week, one of them breaks down in tears and refuses to speak to the other -- since it's so abysmal.
The fourth week, they have no choice but to bury her.
(Sorry in advance if this is a bit grisly)
Dearest John
John receives a phone call.
"Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah, of course! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport.
Marriage to the end?
So, this man and woman are married 44 years and the woman dies, then a few months later the man dies. When he gets to heaven, his wife runs up to him and says, "Hey baby!" and he says,"Sorry honey, death's done us part."
A guy really loved beans...
...so much that he had to stop eating them because they gave him horrible gas. After a couple of months, he went out to eat and decided to cave in just this one time since he'd been doing so well. He ended up eating 3 bowls of beans before his girlfriend called to make dinner plans. He knew he was going to be gassy, but he figured he could work it out. So that night, he goes over to his girlfriend's house. When he gets there, she tells him that she has a surprise for him but wants to blindfold him. She does, and leads him through the house and to the dining room table. She says she'll be right back, and he hears her leave. After just a few seconds, he gets a familiar rumble in his stomach. The urge to f**... is so great, but knowing his girlfriend is not in the room, he leans all the way to one side and lets it rip. Then the smell. He almost gagged himself, it was horrible. He waved his arms trying to dissipate the smell, and it seemed to go away just before his girlfriend came back in. "Ready?" She asked. He nodded, so she took off the blindfold. She yells, "surprise!" All of the other guests just stood there looking horrified.
Senior Driver
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore !! "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and
left!"
The difference between before/after getting hired
When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.
It went like this:
ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new
Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...
ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen
Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?
ABC: That's a granted.
Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?
ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?
Timmy: Are meals subsidized?
ABC: You BET.
Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?
ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.
Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?
ABC: Yes. Absolutely.
Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?
After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.
To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.
Why was the woman sent to jail for 12 months, while the man got a year?
Because there needs to be a period at the end of each sentence.
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
An American, a Japanese and a Bosnian architect are looking at a mountain.
American: If we Americans started drilling on the one end of the mountain and on the other end of the mountain, we would build a tunnel in about two months.
Japanese: That's nothing, if we Japanese started drilling on the one end of the mountain and on the other end of the mountain, we would build a far better tunnel in only one month.
Bosnian: If we Bosnians started drilling on the one end of the mountain and on the other and of the mountain, in one month our employer would get two tunnels for the price of one.
The starship Enterprise encountered an alien race...
Kirk asks "What is your method of reproduction?"
A pair of aliens, happy to oblige, touched their antennae together, and soon a bud formed on the side of one. It slowly grew into a small replica of the alien, then fell off and started running around the room.
The aliens ask "How do you reproduce?", so Kirk grabs Uhura and proceeds to demonstrate.
"Where's the baby?" the aliens ask. Kirk replies, "Well, with any luck, it'll be along in about nine months or so."
"Nine months!" the alien exclaims. "If it takes nine months, why were you in such a hurry at the end?"
A woman is donating some blood to make a little extra money . . .
She heads to the hospital and gets on the elevator with a man about her age. They say hello and she tells him she is heading to the 4th floor and asks if he would push the button for her. He clicks the button and also hits the 6th floor button for himself. A few weeks later the woman returns to the hospital to donate and again runs into the same man. As they enter the elevator he clicks the 4th and 6th floor b**... and asks her why she is at the hospital again. She tells him that she makes $50 by donating blood and asks why he has returned to the hospital. He tells her he makes $100 donating s**.... The following month they once again end up on the same elevator and as they enter the man asks the woman, "4th floor?". She shakes her head and says with a full mouth, "No m goin to da shixth floor"
Two onions, male and female, knock into each other on the street...
...An affair begins. Onion romance has occurred.
They tie the knot; several months later they have a baby onion.
Father onion takes another shift to make ends meet.
Mother onion is encumbered with house work one day, much distracted.
Baby onion wanders out the open door unsupervised. It crosses the sidewalk and is hit by a car.
At the hospital mother and father onion pace up and down the hospital corridor, crying.
A team of surgeons try all night to save baby onion's life.
Towards dawn the doors to the hospital room open. A doctor walks out, sweating.
Father onion asks "well, what, how is baby onion?"
The surgeon says "well he'll live, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Sick days
For some reason when I get sick it always happens at the most suspicious time. For example, last year, I got sick the day before Thanksgiving. I called in sick, took the day off, and recovered over my now 5-day weekend.
Then Christmas rolled around, and I ended up getting the flu the day before I was due back at work. So I called in sick again and didn't end up back at work until after New Year's.
A few weeks later, it was my birthday, and I came down with a 24-hr stomach bug the night before! At this point I could tell my co-workers and boss were getting suspicious.
Not one month later my boss was having us stay overtime after work and I was hit with a severe migraine around lunch. This time I could tell that my boss definitely didn't believe me.
At that moment, while I was leaving the office building with the sunshine beating down on my pulsing headache, the reason why I got sick on all those days became apparent. I'm a pathological liar that hates to work.
Three Universities ...
Three Universities all done research into why a mans bell end is shaped the way it is.
Oxford Uni spent £100,000 in 6 months and came to the conclusion it is for the pleasure of the woman.
Cambridge Uni spent £250,000 in 18 months and came to the conclusion its for the pleasure of the man.
Dublin Uni spent 50 pence in 5 minutes and came to the conclusion its to stop your hand flying off the end.
Stranded on an island
Two men and a women end up shipwrecked on an island. Weeks and months go by and nature takes it's course, to pass the time, the woman starts having casual s**... with the two men.
Months later the woman gets sick and dies. As time passes, once again nature takes it's course and they men do what the have to do.
After a while they start to feel guilty, so they bury the body.
A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.
He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"
The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."
The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."
The man, very grateful, replies, "Yes! That would be nice. Thank you so much, sir." He points at the end of the road and says, "There's another family of 5 there. They also haven't eaten in a long time! Would you mind if they come along as well?"
The businessman says, "Sure, as long as they can fit in my car. My house isn't far down this road so it shouldn't be a problem. Besides, I haven't mowed my lawn in months."
Two Jews at Miami Beach
Two Jewish men from New York pass each other walking down Miami beach. They see each other walking every now and then over a couple months and eventually introduce themselves and walk together. After walking for awhile the first said to the second how did you end up here in Miami. The second man told him that he owned a garment factory until there was a fire that burnt it to the ground and because he was older he decided to just keep the insurance money and retire. When the second asked the first how he came to be in Miami he told him it was a very similar story. He also had owned a garment factory until a flood destroyed it which also cause him to retire. After their talk they walked for a minute or two and the second man turns to the first and asks, how exactly do you start a flood?
Having a relationship is like taking your SAT.
There's a lot of cheating, you never finish at the same time, and, in the end, you end up trying again in a few months.
I grew up poor . The end of the month was difficult money wise
especially the 30 last days.
The Yin and Yan of Life
Life at begining of month:
I am the king. let me buy some castles and build an empire
Life at month's end:
Do I really need two kidneys?
A thief broke into my house.
He started searching for money.
I woke up & started searching along with him.
Happy Month end.
My father had cancer and he had only 3 months to live. By the end, he ended up surprising everyone.
He died in one month.
A programmer is having trouble with a program.....
Stan has trying to make a program that can not only understand humour, but make original jokes.
After a year of neural network testing and months of creating the perfect algorithm, he runs the program for the first time.
Unfortunately all the program comes up with is stale, unfunny jokes that would get people booed off stage.
In dismay, he opens the program to try and fix bugs but five minutes into the search and he bursts out laughing.
He sent an email to every programmer he knew; he had to inform them of his program's sentience. He ended the essay of an email with a closing note.
"Looks like the real joke is in the comments"
Tomorrow, I'm going to go to my girlfriend, get on one knee, present flowers and a ring, and say...
"My love for you is like these flowers and this ring. It's gonna wither and die by the end of the month and is also insanely overvalued."
Two guys are arguing if there is baseball in heaven...
Two guys are arguing about whether there is baseball in heaven. One says there is and the other says there isn't. They go back and forth and in the end agree to disagree. They make a bet that if one of them dies that they come back and tell the other if there really is baseball in heaven.
A few months later one of the two dies and, true to his word, comes back and tells the other he has good news and bad news. Good news is that there is baseball in heaven! Bad news is you're scheduled to pitch next Thursday.
I had to break up with my girlfriend...
Me and my Japanese girlfriend had been dating for around 9 months before she really started becoming attached and really clingy. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to end the relationship. When I told her she took it surprisingly well, and she didn't get upset or anything. I was ecstatic! But she turned up to my house the next day and asked where we were going for dinner. I was confused and I told her to have a seat whilst I informed her that our relationship was OVER! This time when I told her she was crying, k**... and screaming.
I guess the only way to make the Japanese really understand is to drop the bomb twice
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.
Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck, and beat her.
Domestic violins.
Tony was in court filing for divorce just few months after marriage
Tony married one of a pair of identical twins.
A few months later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Would you tell the court your reason for wanting a divorce," the judge said.
"Well, Your Honor," Tony began, "periodically my sister-in-law would come over
for a visit and because she and my wife are identical,
occasionally I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"I understand they're identical twins, but surely there must be some difference
between the two women," said the judge.
"Precisely, Your Honor," replied Tony "That's why I want a divorce."
So I Submitted an Article to the School Newspaper
The article was written on the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. The article ended up being brought to the attention of the administrators. After about a month, the administration closed down the school due to "chemical risks." When the school reopened, it was disconnected from all water lines.
A man was diagnosed with cancer.
Man: "Wow, Doc, how bad is it?"
Doctor: "Well, you're at the extreme end of stage 4 pancreatic cancer. You've only got about 3 months to live."
Man: "Oh no! Is there anything I can do?"
Doctor: "Well, I'd suggest moving to Arkansas and becoming a pig farmer."
Man: "Really? That would cure my cancer?"
Doctor: "Oh no, of course not. But it will be the longest three months of your life."
"Hi I'm Eric and I'm an Alcoholic."
"Hi Eric. Welcome to the end of the year, support group! Tell us how long you've been sober for.'
"Maybe a month... 34 days...?"
"Great progress!"
"Oh, not in a row. Just the total for this whole year."
My wife got mad after telling this story.
You can make yours mad too. And this is the story:
I got on this bus on my way home from work. I noticed this young boy and g**... the far end. First it was the usual kissing. Then the girl got touchy, what baffles me is it seems to be normal to others. Then the unthinkable happened, the girl pulled her shirt up and showed a breast. The boy s**... it immediately. I can tell, the girl's on her early 20's. The boy? Around 6 months.
With their new social credit system, the Chinese government might as well have a get-together at the end of every month to reveal the "Citizen of the month"
Women are like cars
You spend your entire adolescence waiting to ride one and then you end up paying for it every month and you don't even feel satisfied about it
My financial adviser asked me what I bring home at the end of every month.
"Crippling depression," I told him.
When in Russia (very bad quality joke)
A man visits Russia for a month. He enjoyed everything there for the first few weeks, the v**..., the cathedrals, even the people there. It was only towards the final week that he realised things started to get a bit strange. Everyone he sees have much stronger arm muscles by the end of the month than the start of it.
He asks a man wether it's normal to see this. "Not really, but it's reaspnable." the man replied, "Some people from Ghana came here recently to do a special f**... celebration, and in return -as per Russian tradition-, since they carried the people, all people in Russia carried them back!"
A child asks her mum if she will always remember her ...
****My sister told me this joke the other day****
Daughter: "Will you remember me in 1 hour?"
Mum: "Of course i will"
Daughter: "will you remember me in 1 day?
Mum: "yes dear"
Daughter: "will you remember me in 1 month?"
Mum: "to the end of time, i will always remember you"
Daughter: "will you remember me in 1 year?"
Mum: "i will never forget you"
Daughter: "knock knock"
Mum: "who's there?"
Daughter: "WHAT? I thought you said you wouldn't forget me!!!"
A man has been ill for some time. Fearing that his end is near, he calls his wife to his bedside.
"I have a last wish," he says to her. "Promise me that 2 months after I die, you'll marry our neighbor, Ken."
The wife is perplexed. "But, my dear, I thought you hated Ken," she asks him.
"I do," says the man.
A woman and her wealthy lover traveled across Europe
They started their tryst in Amsterdam, before traveling to Barcelona, then Cologne, and Dublin. After months of travel and s**... s**..., they ended in Zurich.
It was a sorted affair.
A sumo wrestler once came to visit, and ended up sleeping on my couch for a month!
It left a negative impression.
Young David asked his wealthy grandfather, Sol, how he had made his money.
Sol said, "Well, David, it was 1955, and I was down to my last five cents. I went to the local market and invested that five cents in a large apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested the ten cents in two large apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and I sold them at the end of the day for twenty cents. I continued this system for a month. Then Bubbie died and left us five million dollars."
A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, Why are you crying?
Man: My wife said she won't talk with me for a month.
Waiter : That's terrible.
Man: Yes, the month ends today.