mont Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious mont puns

why was the 6 month old African baby crying?

It was having a mid life crisis


A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a coma...

6 months later she awakes and she asks her doctor about her babies. And he replies
"Oh you had happy healthy twins. One boy, and one girl. Luckily your brother was here to name then"
"Oh god no" says the woman "my brothers an idiot. What are their names"
"The girls name is denise" says the doctor
"Oh thats not to bad, and the boy?"


Last month, I asked my dad if I could get a tattoo.

He told me to get it somewhere that didn't matter, so I got it done in Oklahoma.


Why was the 2 month old African baby crying?

It was having its mid-life crisis.


The Montana Department of Employment

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.


It's been 5 months since my best friend drowned in a river in Egypt.

....and he's still in denial.


Why wouldn't the four month old African stop crying?

He was going through a midlife crisis


A month before my grandfather died we decided to cover his back in lard.

After that he went downhill very quickly.


After six months of marriage I now realize why my wife was so happy on our wedding day.

She knew she had given her last blowjob


Six months

A woman is told by her doctor that she has six months to live.

"Is there anything I can do?" she asks.

"Yes, there is," the doctor replies. "You could marry a tax accountant."

"How will that help my illness?" the woman asks.

"Oh, it won't help your illness," says the doctor, "but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"


A few months ago my friend got ill and his body temperature dropped to -273.15Β°C

Luckily he turned out to be 0K


After months of trying to come up with a joke that makes sense, my 10yo sister dropped this one on me last night.

What killed the cat?

A stroke.


After months of trying, my wife told me she is finally pregnant

Apparently I'm going to be an uncle.


A few months after his parents were divorced...

Little Johnny passed by his mother's bedroom to find her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next few months, this continued. When Little Johnny came home from school one day, he heard his mother moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, ripped off his clothes, threw himself onto his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a PS4, I need a PS4!"


Four months into her postulancy to become a nun a young woman went to Sister Maria crying.

"Sister, I must leave this convent but before I go I want to confess my sins."

"Okay," said Sister Maria.

"During my time here I've slept with multiple men!"

"Shame," said Sister Maria.

"Sometimes multiple men at one time."

"Shame," Said Sister Maria.

"Married men, single men, young men, old men, one in each hole, one in each hand."

"Shame," Said Sister Maria. "If you shtill want to leave, I'll shee you to the door."


it's the month of Ramadan right now ...

and I'm having at least two dates every night


It took me 6 months to finish a puzzle..

..which I think is amazing considering the box said 2-4 years


Six months ago, my wife asked me to get in shape.

Since then, I have been eating everything in sight. Today I am proud to say that I am a circle!


Several months

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."


Among all the months there's one that leaves me doubtful.



It was four months into my relationship that I found out my girlfriend was a communist

She started giving me red flags


After nearly three months of trying... wife just told me that she's pregnant!!

She has the worst stutter ever!


Monty Python Funniest Joke

Wenn ist das NunstΓΌck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!


Over the last month, Elon Musk seems to be embroiled in one scandal after another.

Elon-Gate seems to be a long drawn out affair.


Once a month, women go completely crazy

...for about 30 days.


Two months ago my teacher asked me the name of the clothes indian women wear.

Is it too late now to say "sari"?


Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations...

The question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure:

* In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant...

* In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant...

* In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant...

* In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant...

* In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant...

* In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant...

* And in the USA, they didn't know what "rest of the world" meant.


Montana Grizzly Bear Notice

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear
conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game
is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra
precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on
their clothing so as not to startle the bears that aren't
expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry
pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear
activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference
between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop
is smaller and contains a lot of berry seeds and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper


Monthly payments...

A husband and his wife were having a terrible fight. He tells her "i'm leaving you and i'm taking back everything i ever gave you ! I even want back the blood I gave you when you were sick !" Mad, she goes to the bathroom, pulls out her tampon and throws it in the guy's face. "Here, you can have it, you bastard ! I'll be giving it to you in monthly payments!"


after 9 months of procrastination, of psyching myself up and never following through, last night i finally went to the gym

to cancel that damned membership.


After months of my dad asking if I am going to get a haircut, I tell him I'm keeping it. "Why?" He asks.

"It grew on me."


Few months ago I was involved in an accident

which left half of my entire body paralyzed. I am all right now.


After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change

And filed for divorce


Last month, I applied for a zookeeper position in Australia. Today, I found out that the application was unsucessful.

Perhaps I don't have the right koalafications.


Which is the month in which women talk the least?

February... because it has the least number of days


What are the most funny Mont jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mont? Well, here are the best Mont dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mont pick up lines to share with friends.

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