Monks Jokes
102 monks jokes and hilarious monks puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about monks that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Monks Short Jokes
Short monks jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The monks humour may include short monastery jokes also.
- A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
- What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine? "I can't believe it's not Buddha."
- A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips... "Are you the friar?" he asked.
The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk." - A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said, "I can't believe it's not Buddha."
- A Buddhist monk sees Jesus' face in a tub of margerine And he exclaimed, I can't believe it's not Buddha!
- I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails He said yes as long as there are no attachments
- If you see a monk going door to door selling flowers in your neighborhood, call the authorities immediately. Because only YOU can prevent florist friars.
- A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. I can't believe it's not Buddha, he says.
- What do you call a monk who walks everywhere in bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath? A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- A priest, a monk and a rabbit walk into a bar. "What'll ya have?" asks the bartender. "I don't know" says the rabbit. "I'm only here because of autocorrect".
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Monks One Liners
Which monks one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with monks? I can suggest the ones about old monk and buddhist monk.
- How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection.
- What did the Buddhist monk say when asked to leave his temple? 'Nah imma stay.'
- What do you call a Buddhist monk who meditates in the snow? Fro-zen.
- Why did the monks go to the casino? Tibet.
- Never buy flowers from a monk... Remember, only you can prevent florist friars.
- How do Buddhist monks send emails? They remove all attachments.
- What do you you say when a monk tries to kick you out of the monastery ? Namaste
- Buddhist monk walks into a Pizzeria. He asks "Can you make me one with everything?"
- I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk... ...but I never got the chants.
- Never buy flowers from a monk Only YOU can prevent florist friars
- Wanted: Buddhist Monk Enquire within.
- I was considering becoming a monk. But I never got the chants.
- How do you find a monk? You don't need to, he'll find himself
- I wanted to be a monk But I never got the chants.
- What's the most fun a monk can have? Nun
Tibetan Monks Jokes
Here is a list of funny tibetan monks jokes and even better tibetan monks puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- After visiting the US, a Tibetan monk made the mistake of meditating on his flight home. He transcended to another plane and ended up in Albuquerque.
- Minding my own business in Hungary and I was confronted by an annoying preaching Tibetan Monk. He was a Buddha Pest.
- Have you heard about the Tibetan monk Heavy-metal band? They're called In Flames.
- What do you say to the man afraid of Tibetan monks? Ogga booga Buddha!
- What's the hottest thing in China right now? A Tibetan monk on fire.
Share Hilarious Monks Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about monks you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nuns jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make monks pranks.
Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him b**... his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the **R**!
We missed the **R**!
*We missed the* **R***!'*
His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...
CELEB**R**ATE !!!'
You aren't a monk.
A man is driving through a town and his car breaks down in front of a monastery. He decides to go up to the door and ask if he can stay the night and the monks let him. At night he is laying in his bed and he hears this extremely strange noise. In the morning he asks a monk what the strange noise was. The monk replied, "I can't tell you because you aren't a monk." The man accepted this fact, graciously thanked the monks for letting him stay, and went on his way. Three years later the man was driving through the same town and broke down in front of the same monastery. Again he asks the monks if he could stay the night, and they let him. And again at night he hears the strange noise. In the morning he asks and gets the same answer. Then he asks how he can become a monk. They reply, "Go count every blade of grass and every pebble in the world." The man comes back 43 years later and gives them accurate numbers. They let him become a monk and the first thing he does is ask to see what the noise was. They take him to a wooden door. He reaches for the handle and its locked. They give him a key, then he happens upon a stone door. Locked. He goes through every kind of door you could possibly think of as they give him keys for each. Then he gets to a diamond door and they give him a key and he unlocks it. Then he opens it and is completely amazed. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
A monastery's bell ringer died and the monks put an ad in the paper for a new one.
The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says:
"Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"
The applicant replied, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."
The all get to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG"
Before anyone could stop him, he backs up and runs s**... into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.
The head monk spoke up, "Did anyone catch his name?"
Another monk said, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."
An order of monks are selling flowers...
...illegally on the lawn of the p**... Mansion, Hugh Hefner's property. Instead of calling the police, however, Hugh decides to spring into action and stop them himself. After an intense argument, the monks agree to leave peacefully. If it had been anybody else they would have gotten away with it; unfortunately for them, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Hugh Hefner
Today, famous p**... Hugh Hefner successfully managed to stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the p**... Mansion, where they had been selling flowers.
Said one friar, "Well if it was anyone else we could've gotten away with it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
4 monks
Years ago, there were 4 monks going through the trials to reach their inner peace. They all excelled to the point of the last test; the test of purity. Each monk had a brass ring precariously hung off their d**.... Then, the head monk chose the most beautiful woman from the village to walk n**... in front of all the monks. Should any of the monks be a**..., their rings would drop and they'd fail the test. The woman went down the row. Monk #1; nothing. Number 2; not a stir. The 3rd monk stood stone faced and motionless. However, when the fourth monk was reached, his ring dropped. Horribly ashamed, he bent over to pick it up. Then the 3 other rings dropped.
Why do monks wear the same clothes every day?
Because old habits die hard.
So a guy wants to marry a v**...
He adopts a girl, and drops her off at a convent. 18 years later, he goes and picks her up and marries her. On their wedding night, he's getting ready and breaks out some K-Y. The girl says, "What's that for?" The man replies, "You know, so I don't hurt you."
The girl responds and asks, "Why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"
Some monks were trying to sell flowers...
...at the p**... mansion. These monks had always been successful at selling flowers. However, Hugh Heffner was especially annoyed this day by their persistence and had security e**... them from the premises.
Turns out, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
A new monk arrives at the monastery.....
and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that instead of copying the original books , they are copying the copies.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books sobbing. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate. " says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
What do Buddhist monks have for breakfast?
'Ommm' lettes!
What do Chinese monks eat?
qis.
three monks
three monks live in the desert where they pray all day long.
one day a horse passes by.a year passed and one of the monks said: "what a beautiful horse!" after a year, one of the other two monks adds: "and it was white!"another year, and the third monk turns angrily and says to them : "if you don't stop talking i will go right away".
Two Monks Are Copying Ancient Texts
One of the monks begins to wonder, what if the original texts had entirely different meanings because of other monks' mistakes in their translations over the years? They decide to go find some of the original texts and find out.
One of the monks ventures into the catacombs to find one of the texts. The other monk waits outside the entrance. He waits for about an hour and begins to wonder where the other monk is. He ventures in to find out.
He hears sobbing, and moves towards the sound. He sees the other monk sitting on the ground, crying, with a book opened in his lap. He asks him why he is crying, to which he replies,
"they meant to say *celebrate!*"
So how do monks stay warm in the snow covered peaks and whatnot?
they have a shawl in temple
I heard about Buddhist monks who lit themselves on fire to protest prosucution
Certainly one way to reach enlightenment
There were once some monks who decided to raise money by opening a flower shop
There was once an order of monks that needed to raise some money. They figured that the best way to do this was by opening a flower shop and selling flowers.
Now, these monks sold their flowers really cheap, and everyone liked the idea of buying flowers from men of God, so much so that all the other florists slowly lost all their business.
Realizing their predicament, the florists banded to figure out how to remove these monks. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best kneecapper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastary. Cowed, the monks caved to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
China and Russia are having a friendly discussion...
Russia: "I bet you couldn't kill that group of Buddhist monks over there"
China: "Do you want Tibet?"
Two Monks
Two Monks attempted to sell flowers outside the p**... mansion yesterday. Despite the best attempts of the mansions security, the monks could not be forced from the grounds. It wasn't until the owner of the mansion himself arrived, that the friars left. It just goes to show:
that only Hue can stop florist friars.
If the Army has chaplains, what does the Navy have?
Ship monks.
How do Buddhist monks compare interests?
With zen diagrams!
Why do Buddhist monks have such sour faces?
Because they're acetic.
Monks teach peace and harmony, but they sure do seem to like resistance..
Ohmmmmmm.
A man walks into a pizza parlor owned my a couple of monks
He walks up to the cashier and says,
"Can you make me one with everything?"
Sects, sects, sects....
Is that all you monks think about?
What's a monks favorite song?
Sweet Ohm Alabama.
What do you call a place monks go for Halloween?
A monascary
So there was a monk...
This particular monk could only eat garlic for his religious diet, which made him EXTREMELY weak, and also gave him bad breath. Also, like most other monks he wore no shoes, which gave him many callouses.
This made him a "super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis."
Weird Al and vin diesel should team up with a chip tune band
Then they could be Al, Vin & The Chip Monks
How many Greek Catholic monks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a Basilian.
A buddhist monk is watching TV
Another monks come in and says, "What are you watching?"
The monk replies, "Nothing."
A man's car breaks down outside a monastery.
The monks take him in and give him dinner--a fantastic dinner, of fish & chips. Best fish & chips he's ever had.
So he goes into the kitchen to compliment the chef. He says to one brother, "Excuse me, are you the fish friar?"
"No," he answers. "I'm the chip monk."
What do monks, rabbis, and m**... priests have in common with brains?
The all tend to be found enclosed within temples.
Some monks were selling flowers outside the p**... mansion
Hugh Hefner realises this and puts a stop to it as they are on his property and welcoming tourists. The local news catches wind of this and goes to interview the monks.
The reporter asks "do you think you will set up shop somewhere else?"
And the monks reply "oh yes, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
Police responded to a call outside the p**... mansion.
Mr. Hefner called the police to remove a group of monks selling daisies out of an i**... roadside stand in front of the p**... mansion. A police spokesperson released a statement "we responded promptly to Mr. Hefner's call because as everybody knows, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
When is it okay for monks to use e-mail?
When there are no attachments
This valentines day be sure not to buy flowers from any Monks.
Because only you can prevent florist friars!
How many monks are there in a female monastery?
Nun.
A long-awaited prize
So a rich dude wants to have s**... with a v**..., so he puts a girl into a convent until she reaches age of consent.
The big day comes and he's putting some l**... on his dingdong and the girls asks "what's that for?" He replies "so it doesn't hurt going in."
She replies "why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"
A nun is feeling sick
A nun is feeling sick so she goes to the doctor. He runs few tests and told her she's pregnant. The nun is completely stunned. when she's walking home towards the monastery she thinks about how this is possible as she never had s**.... When she arrives home she figures out, goes to next door to the monastery where the monk live, opens the door interrupting the monks at dinner and shouts: "Alright, which one of you b**... has been w**... off on the church candle?"
Why are monks always meditating and relaxed and full of profound thoughts and ideas?
Because they're single.
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'....
After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'.
The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him....
Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?.
'Ah' replies the hot dog vendor, 'Change must come from within'.
What do monks spend the most time on with jigsaw puzzles?
Inner pieces.
What common skin condition do teenage shaolin monks get?
Chi-zits
Yes, it's possible I miscounted the monks. Yes, it's possible I understated the occupancy level at the convent. But
nun the less...
A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.
The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.
It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.
A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.
The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"
There were some monks in a monastery...
...and they were looking after homeless people. The first homeless person goes up to the Abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned". The Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man replies "I stole money from a shop", "Go and drink from the fountain and you'll feel better.
The second homeless man goes up and explains that he had sinned by cheating on his wife. The Abbot again tells him to go and drink from the fountain and he would feel better.
The third homeless man goes up to the abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned" the Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man answers "I peed in the fountain".
Don't ever buy flowers from monks.
Only you can prevent florist friars.
(Sorry if repost.)
Are monks allowed to use email?
Yes, as long as there're no attachments.
What do blind monks search for?
The holy brail :)
Why do monks wake up so early and have such an orderly day punctuated with regular prayer times?
Well they are creatures of habit after all.
Guys, I think the Monks are forming a Resistance..
They just keep saying "Ohmmm.. Ohmmm..."
Monks don't celebrate.
They celibate.
What did the monks chant during the electric boogie danceoff?
Ohm.
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
How do nuns and monks make children?
Cell splitting.
My own homemade joke even though it has probably been done before
Why don't monks celebrate christmas?
Because they always have presence.
Buddhist monks love posting ancient frog memes for you normies
You can get a surprising amount of karma for Reeeee posting
Silent monks dark secret
Did you know? Silent monks are allowed to talk. But only when the DVD logo hits the corner.
What type of crime do monks commit?
Premeditated m**...
Nobody understands except the Buddhist monks...
...that it is not about how fast you get karma, but how long you wait to repost for it.
A woman visits a monastery
She asks the head monk a few questions about improving her concentration in her daily life, but the monk says the answer is too long. He offers to e-mail her later, which leads her to ask, "Are monks allowed to use e-mail?" to which the monk replies, "Sure, as long as they don't have any attachments."
How many Buddhist monks does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But its a long process where the monk keeps telling the bulb that change must first come from within, until the bulb attains enlightenment.
What do monks spice their food with?
Chi(I'll)is
Is it ok for monks to use email?
As long as they don't have attachments.
Is it okay for Monks to use email?
As long as there is no ***attachment***!!
Its ok for monks to use emails,
As long as there are no attachments.
Why are monks bad at trigonometry?
They dont sin
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"
They run until they reach a dead end.
They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:
"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVERT HIM!"
They lion stops walking, and the monks praise God.
The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says:
"Bless us, O Lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen."
Two monks werewere discussing humility.
"I have been praying and fasting, meditating and studying religion for 20 years. I have finally reached the level of humility. I am truly a nothing." said one monk.
The other monk nodded gravely. "I too have spent my life devoted to serving God. I am also a nothing."
At that moment a janitor passed, holding his mop. Overhearing the conversation, and feeling quite spiritual, he interrupted. "You know what, i am also a nothing."
The monks looked away in disgust. "Who the h**... does he think he is to be a nothing???"
Did you know Gregorian monks aren't allowed to make puns?
They cant
Fun fact: It is confirmed that monks are allowed to use email.
Just as long as there are no attachments.
I haven't seen this one here.
Some monks came down to a small village in need of carpentry. They offered to replace all the wooden pillars and support beams in all the buildings by themselves. When the villagers asked why they were being so generous, the head monk simply replied
"Isn't it obvious? We're reposting for karma."
Three monks shared a cave…
... each under a vow of silence. One day a goat walked into the cave, looked around, and walked back out. He was never seen again.
A week later the guy on the left says Black goat.
A month later the guy on the right says Grey goat.
A year later the guy in the middle says If you two are going to sit around arguing all the time, I'm moving out.
Why are there so many o**... at monasteries in Alabama?
Because the monks and nuns are all Brothers and Sisters.
A travelling Bishop made a stop at a monastery
He walked around and was surprised with many monks praying and smoking at the same time. He asked the monastery superior about it.
Monk: "Well, we requested Synod to clarify whether it was OK to smoke while praying. They said NO"
Bishop: "????? ......"
Monk: " .... but then we asked whether it was OK to pray while smoking and they found nothing wrong with that"
The monks were in the monastery copying those beautiful illuminated manuscripts.
One young monk suggested that, since they'd been copying copies, it might be time to go back to the original and make sure that their copies were correct. The abbot agreed and sent the monk down into the cellar to examine the original. The monk was gone for a long time, and finally the abbot went to look for him. He found the monk in tears and asked what was wrong. Through his tears, the monk blurted out, The word was celebrate!
A pair of cannibals were discussing their recent meals
One said "I found some Catholic monks when I was in the woods; took home the meat and boiled it up. Tasted TERRIBLE!"
The other said "Idiot. You don't boil monks- those are friars!"
