Monk Jokes
133 monk jokes and hilarious monk puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about monk that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Monk jokes often take the form of puns, light-hearted quips, and observations involving various types of monks, such as old monks, trappist monks, Catholic monks, Dungeons & Dragons Monks, clerics, nuns, and even vaporwave monks. Get ready for some wholesome and hilarious jokes about monastic life!
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Funniest Monk Short Jokes
Short monk jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The monk humour may include short monastery jokes also.
- A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
- What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine? "I can't believe it's not Buddha."
- A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips... "Are you the friar?" he asked.
The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk." - A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said, "I can't believe it's not Buddha."
- A Buddhist monk sees Jesus' face in a tub of margerine And he exclaimed, I can't believe it's not Buddha!
- I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails He said yes as long as there are no attachments
- If you see a monk going door to door selling flowers in your neighborhood, call the authorities immediately. Because only YOU can prevent florist friars.
- A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. I can't believe it's not Buddha, he says.
- What do you call a monk who walks everywhere in bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath? A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- A priest, a monk and a rabbit walk into a bar. "What'll ya have?" asks the bartender. "I don't know" says the rabbit. "I'm only here because of autocorrect".
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Monk One Liners
Which monk one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with monk? I can suggest the ones about friar and priest.
- How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection.
- What did the Buddhist monk say when asked to leave his temple? 'Nah imma stay.'
- What do you call a Buddhist monk who meditates in the snow? Fro-zen.
- Why did the monks go to the casino? Tibet.
- Never buy flowers from a monk... Remember, only you can prevent florist friars.
- How do Buddhist monks send emails? They remove all attachments.
- What do you you say when a monk tries to kick you out of the monastery ? Namaste
- Buddhist monk walks into a Pizzeria. He asks "Can you make me one with everything?"
- I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk... ...but I never got the chants.
- Never buy flowers from a monk Only YOU can prevent florist friars
- Wanted: Buddhist Monk Enquire within.
- I was considering becoming a monk. But I never got the chants.
- How do you find a monk? You don't need to, he'll find himself
- I wanted to be a monk But I never got the chants.
- What's the most fun a monk can have? Nun
Buddhist Monk Jokes
Here is a list of funny buddhist monk jokes and even better buddhist monk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Hear the one about the Buddhist monk who *almost* achieved total spiritual enlightenment? He only made it to Nearvana.
- Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who swallowed a Glock 18? He calls it his inner piece
- Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocaine? Because he wanted to *transcend dental* medication.
- What does a Buddhist monk say when ordering a subway sandwich? *Make me one with everything*
- Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused anesthesia for his root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
- What did the Buddhist monk say to the pizza guy? Make me one with everything.
- A Buddhist Monk goes into a pizza place... and says "Make me one with everything"......
- A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog cart and the guy asks: "Whattya want?" The monk says: "Make me one with everything."
- What did the buddhist monk say when he walked up to the hot dog stand? "Make me one with everything"
- A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand "What will it be for you, my friend?" - the vendor asks.
"Make me one with everything"
Old Monk Jokes
Here is a list of funny old monk jokes and even better old monk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I tried to change the colour of my monk's costume so I could reuse it but I guess old habits dye hard.
- What do you get if you cross a Buddhist monk and a 16 year old blonde cheerleader? Arrested for procurement of a minor. Trust me on this one.
- Why do monks wear the same clothes every day? Because old habits die hard.
- Did you ever hear of the ex-monk who kept finding himself putting on his monk clothes in the morning? It was an old habit of his.
- A 13 year old became a monk... ...He was a benedicteenager
Catholic Monk Jokes
Here is a list of funny catholic monk jokes and even better catholic monk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a truly dedicated Catholic monk? A deep fryer.
- How many Greek Catholic monks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? a Basilian.
Fun-Filled Monk Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about monk you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hermit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make monk pranks.
A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
You aren't a monk.
A man is driving through a town and his car breaks down in front of a monastery. He decides to go up to the door and ask if he can stay the night and the monks let him. At night he is laying in his bed and he hears this extremely strange noise. In the morning he asks a monk what the strange noise was. The monk replied, "I can't tell you because you aren't a monk." The man accepted this fact, graciously thanked the monks for letting him stay, and went on his way. Three years later the man was driving through the same town and broke down in front of the same monastery. Again he asks the monks if he could stay the night, and they let him. And again at night he hears the strange noise. In the morning he asks and gets the same answer. Then he asks how he can become a monk. They reply, "Go count every blade of grass and every pebble in the world." The man comes back 43 years later and gives them accurate numbers. They let him become a monk and the first thing he does is ask to see what the noise was. They take him to a wooden door. He reaches for the handle and its locked. They give him a key, then he happens upon a stone door. Locked. He goes through every kind of door you could possibly think of as they give him keys for each. Then he gets to a diamond door and they give him a key and he unlocks it. Then he opens it and is completely amazed. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
A monastery's bell ringer died and the monks put an ad in the paper for a new one.
The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says:
"Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"
The applicant replied, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."
The all get to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG"
Before anyone could stop him, he backs up and runs s**... into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.
The head monk spoke up, "Did anyone catch his name?"
Another monk said, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
How many monkeys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Monkeys screw in trees.
A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog stand
So the buddhist gets his hot dog, one with everything. Pays the hot dog vendor with a 20$ bill. The vendor takes the money, and then nothing. The buddhist is confused for a moment, until the vendor replies.
Change must come from within.
The whiny monk
A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He can only say two words every five years.
After five years, Father Donald says to him, "Brother John, what do you have to say?"
He replies, "Bed hard."
Five more years go by and Father Donald asks him again.
He replies, "Food bad."
Another five years go by and Father Donald asks him again.
This time he replies, "I quit" at which point, Father Donald says, "Good! You've done nothing but complain since you got here!"
A new monk arrives at the monastery.....
and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that instead of copying the original books , they are copying the copies.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books sobbing. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate. " says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
Just monkeying around
An orangutan walks over to an another orangutan and says 'Yo, I'm the best at climbing and swinging!'
His friend looks at him and says 'that's a gibbon.'
Two priests decided to open a Fish and Chip shop...
... One was a Fish Friar, the other was a Chip Monk.
Two monkeys were sitting in a tub.
The first one says "Oooo Oooo Aaaa Aaaa Eeee Eeee!"
The second one says "Perhaps we should add some cold water."
10 little monkeys jumping on the bed...
10 little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and broke his head.
Momma called the doctor and the doctor said,
"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"
.....
6 little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and broke his head.
Momma called the doctor and the doctor said,
"I'm calling social services."
A monk decides to become a scribe...
When he arrives at the scribes' church, he meets the bishop and begins his apprenticeship. While checking a scroll, he has question and approaches the bishop for help. The bishop decides to check the original scroll in the catacombs, so he descends into the basement of the church. Several hours later, since he hasn't returned, the monk goes down into the catacombs to find him.
The monk finds the bishop laying on the ground in the fetal position, clutching the scroll to his chest and sobbing. With tears in his eyes, he looks up at the monk and says...
"It says 'celebrate'."
A man went to a fish and chip lunch organised by the local monastery...
He strolls up to o**... serving, and with a big grin, asks "Are you the fish friar?"
The guy responds "No, I'm the chip monk!"
I, too, went to a mixed religion seminar...
...But in the hopes of learning more about charity. First I asked a Buddhist monk: "How do you decide what to give away and what to keep for yourself?" "Child's play", he said. "I draw a small circle in the ground, throw my money into the air, and what falls outside of the circle I give to Buddha". Next I asked a catholic priest. "Easy my son", he told me. "All I do is draw a small circle in earth, throw my money to the heavens, and what falls into the circle I give to God". Finally, I asked a Rabbi. "Simple!" he answered. "I throw my money into the air and what god wants, he takes!"
A Buddhist monk walks upto a hotdog stand and says...
"Make me one with everything."
Despite this being an overused statement, the vendor serves him a hotdog as he is a customer. When the monk asks if he has 27 cents, the vendor replies "Change comes from within."
The monk then pulls out a p**... from his robe and shoots the vendor. After this, he states "I have found my inner piece."
There were once some monks who decided to raise money by opening a flower shop
There was once an order of monks that needed to raise some money. They figured that the best way to do this was by opening a flower shop and selling flowers.
Now, these monks sold their flowers really cheap, and everyone liked the idea of buying flowers from men of God, so much so that all the other florists slowly lost all their business.
Realizing their predicament, the florists banded to figure out how to remove these monks. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best kneecapper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastary. Cowed, the monks caved to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Two Monks
Two Monks attempted to sell flowers outside the p**... mansion yesterday. Despite the best attempts of the mansions security, the monks could not be forced from the grounds. It wasn't until the owner of the mansion himself arrived, that the friars left. It just goes to show:
that only Hue can stop florist friars.
A Monkey passes away at a zoo, and they have no other Monkey's in the zoo
A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling for help, the Lion approaches him and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"
A monkey walks into a bar...
...and asks the bartender:
- Do you have bananas?
- No.
- Do you have bananas?
- I said, no.
- Do you have bananas?
- No, are you deaf or what? If you ask me one more time if I have bananas, I'll NAIL your tongue at the counter!
- ... Do you have nails?
- No.
- Do you have bananas?
Monkey Business
A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the r**... janitor of the zoo if he'll have s**... with the gorilla for $500.
The r**... says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The r**... says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."
So there was a monk...
This particular monk could only eat garlic for his religious diet, which made him EXTREMELY weak, and also gave him bad breath. Also, like most other monks he wore no shoes, which gave him many callouses.
This made him a "super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis."
It's just a monkey.
When an adolescent girl starts growing p**..., she asks her mother about what's going on with her. The mother replies "it's just a monkey who is starting to grow hair". Later at the dinner table, she tells her older sister that her monkey had started growing hair. The sister replies "Mine even started eating bananas!".
A buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says...
"Make me one with everything."
When the guy hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun.
The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?"
And the monk replies "this IS my inner piece."
Suddenly a bystander calls out. "I've called the cops! They'll be here any minute!"
The vendor, expecting the monk to flee the scene, is quite surprised to see that the monk makes no motion to leave, even as the sounds of police sirens fill the street.
"Aren't you going to run away?" he asks.
The monk shakes his head and replies, "Namaste."
A buddist monk recently became a street vendor
A passerby bought a $1 item from him and gave him a 50 dollar note.
The monk took the note and just sat down afte thanking him.
The guy got slightly angry when there was no change given and the monk answered
"change comes from within"
A man's car breaks down outside a monastery.
The monks take him in and give him dinner--a fantastic dinner, of fish & chips. Best fish & chips he's ever had.
So he goes into the kitchen to compliment the chef. He says to one brother, "Excuse me, are you the fish friar?"
"No," he answers. "I'm the chip monk."
A disciple asked, Master, is it okay for a monk to use emails?
Yes, son, the guru quipped, as long as there are no attachments.
What the difference between playing a piano and dropping a piano?
One sounds like Thelonius Monk, and the other sounds like a melodious "thunk!".
A Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand
He says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor says "That'll be three fiddy" so the monk hands him a five, and gets his hot dog in return, but no change. "where's my change?" asks the monk and the hot dog vendor says
"Change comes from within."
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'....
After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'.
The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him....
Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?.
'Ah' replies the hot dog vendor, 'Change must come from within'.
A priest, a monk, and a Rabbi walk into a barbershop.
A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.
Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.
A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.
There were some monks in a monastery...
...and they were looking after homeless people. The first homeless person goes up to the Abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned". The Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man replies "I stole money from a shop", "Go and drink from the fountain and you'll feel better.
The second homeless man goes up and explains that he had sinned by cheating on his wife. The Abbot again tells him to go and drink from the fountain and he would feel better.
The third homeless man goes up to the abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned" the Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man answers "I peed in the fountain".
A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.
- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.
Two monkeys entered a bath.
Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah
Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn't that hot
One monkey says to another monkey, what rhymes with Banana and the other monkey says
No it doesn't.
A monkey and a weasel go to a bar in California
The monkey sits down at the bar and orders a beer. He gestures at the weasel and says, "he's driving though, so no beer for him." The bartender turns to the weasel and says, "alright, what'll you have?"
"Soda," goes the weasel.
What does the Freudian monk chant while meditating?
MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!
(Sorry if repost, I just thought of this, but I can't be the first)
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says Make me one with everything .
The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.
The Buddhist asks Where's my change? and the vendor replies change must come from within .
A gun then extends from the Buddhist's chest and he asks again.
The vendor says Whoa, man, where did that come from?
The Buddhist replies This is my inner piece .
Two monkeys sit in a bath
One monkey says: "OOOH OOOH AAAH AAAH AAH OOH"
The other monkey then says: "Well put some cold water in then."
How many Buddhist monks does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But its a long process where the monk keeps telling the bulb that change must first come from within, until the bulb attains enlightenment.
A monk, priest, and rabbit walk into a blood bank...
The rabbit turns to the other two and says, I think I'm a type-O.
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him
I asked him Are you the friar?
He replied No, I'm the chip monk...
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk in a bar. As they approach the bar, they see a blood donation booth. The rabbit hops to the nurse to be the first to donate. The nurse looks at him and ask: What's your blood group?
The rabbit says: "I dunno, I think I might be a Type-O."
2 monkeys sat on a branch, one says "ooh ooohh aha ha aha!"
The other says "careful, that's hot."
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"
They run until they reach a dead end.
They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:
"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVERT HIM!"
They lion stops walking, and the monks praise God.
The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says:
"Bless us, O Lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen."
A young Chinese man is asking a wise monk:
"Master Chong-Li, why does everyone think we Asian people all look the same?"
and he responds: "Who the h**... is master Chong-Li?"
and oldie but a goodie
back in ancient china, before the populations number a million, a monk lived near his friend, who was on the other side of the river. he wrote a long poem, full of phrases like "the seven winds could not move me" and was very proud of it. he sent it to his friend via dove.
when his friend sent it back, he had written one word in the corner of the scroll "f**..." fuming, the monk stomped over to his friend's dwelling and demanded an explanation. to this his friend simply said "the seven winds could not move you, and yet a single f**... sends you all the way across the river"
There are two monkeys in a bath..
One goes 'ooh ooh ah ah!'
The other says 'put some cold in then!'
A monkey and a Lizard are sitting on a tree smoking some w**....
After some time the lizard becomes thirsty and decides to go to the river to drink some water.
When he gets there, he falls in and is saved by a crocodile. After Explaining how he got high, The Crocodile decides to investigate.
When the crocodile reaches the tree, he calls out to the monkey. Still high, the monkey looks down and almost falls in shock: "Yo Man, How much water did you drink?"
A Buddhist monk asked the hot dog vendor. . .
Make me one with everything.
He handed the vendor a $50 and stood waiting for his cash back.
'The vendor looked at him, What else do you need?
Change.
Sorry, but change must come from within.
Double punchline Buddhist joke.
A Buddhist monk is walking through New York and sees a hot dog cart, he walks up and the vendor asks him what he wants. The monk replies:
Make me one with everything.
The vendor obliges and after handing over the hot dog tells him his total is $3.50. The monk gets out $5 and hands it over, the vendor pockets the money and motions for the next customer; the Buddhist asks why he hasn't gotten any change.
Change must come from within. Replies the vendor.
Somebody may have posted these punchlines before but I doubt ever together, besides; that was zen, this is tao.
A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...
... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.
"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.
"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.
"Why?" said the Captain.
The monk replied "You'd be surprised at the amount of karma you get from reposting."
A monkey escaped from the petting zoo.
He rode out the gates on the back of a baby sheep.
Authorities have stated that he is on the lamb.
I must have that new Monkey Pox virus !
I think Im going bananas
The internet seems to be going ape over monkey pox.
It's a jungle out there!
Monkeys have them, and everyone loves monkeys, no?
Chills and fever-induced sweating will help you beat the heat all summer
You're automatically entered in the World Health Organization's raffle for a new 2003 Pontiac v**...
