Monitoring Jokes

Following is our collection of Monitoring funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Monitoring jokes

How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer?

The power is on and you're connected to the internet.

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were monitoring a house...

They saw one person walk in, but several months later they saw two walk out.

The biologist said: "They must've reproduced!"

The physicist said: "It must be a calculation error"

The mathematician said: "If one more walks in, the house will be empty"

Grandma's Password

My 100 year old grandma asked me to set up a security camera, so she could see who was stealing her clothes at her assisted living facility, so I brought over a wireless camera and started to install an app on her IPAD for monitoring.

I needed her Apple ID to download the app, so I asked her what her password was.

She poked around in her notebook, and said "required".

It was the wrong password, so I told her, and she looked up at me and said, 'I know that it is right. I remember it said, "Your password is required."'

Positive attitude

Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply,
"Can I feel your tits, then?"

That, my friends, is a positive attitude!

A woman is visiting her doctor.

The doctor is monitoring her heartbeat with a stethoscope.

Woman: (*jokingly*) Tell me doctor, how much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten

Woman: Ten what?

Doctor: Nine...

So my house got broken into while I was away and the monitoring company called my cell...

"Hello, this is Xfinity home security. We see your alarm is going off and we can have someone respond to it next week Thursday between 8 Am and 5 pm, will that work for you?"

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

A millionaire is looking for a housekeeper.

Three people showed up for the job. He wants to make sure they have good personal hygiene during work, so he put a camera in his big restroom monitoring the sink and see if they wash their hands after going to the restroom.

The first one finishes, doesn't wash his hands and walked out, the millionaire fires him.

The second one finishes, also doesn't wash his hands, he is fired as well.

The last guy, however, washed his hands before coming out. The owner is delighted, he asked him: " The previous two didn't washed their hands after going to the restroom, why did you wash them?"

The guy replies: "Because the toilet paper ran out".

A man was in a horrible car accident

A man wakes up in the ICU with a nurse standing over him. He has tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and he's in terrible pain.
He asks the nurse "What happened?".
The nurse give him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then tells him, "You were in a horrible accident. You may not feel anything from the waist down right now."
The man replies "Can I feel your tits then?"

Bob's friend was scuba-diving, and then froze to death. He asked eveeyone who was monitoring him at the time...

...and was told that the last mesage received from him, just seconds before, was that he was ''Ok''. He asked to see the message itself. After about a minute of examining, he exclaimed in anger, ''You morons, he said he was at 0°K!''

The FBI closed the National Solar Observatory monitoring the sun in New Mexico.

It has been repositioned to monitor Uranus.

Heard the one about the Russian hacker meddling in US elections?

The FBI agent monitoring your phone is going to love it!

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes