Monitor Jokes

What does the herpetologist do when the s**... reproduction experiment is over?

Turns off his monitor.

I like it when I open a document and my monitor says WORD. And I'm like, YO.

So I've to board my submarine off the coast of the Seychelles and monitor the Somali pirates as they sail around the coast of Mogadishu.

This is my latest submission.

Why do the cops monitor the store that sells upper-case letters for computers?

It's a shifty business.

There have been so many recent t**... attacks in the US

It *almost* makes you wish we had some kind of national agency that could monitor people's communication and act to stop things like this before they happen

An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

Whenever I go bowling....

I enter my name as "3 t**...".
That way, occasionally the monitor says "Congratulations 3 t**...! You got a spare!"

Surgeons remove 915 coins swallowed by Thai sea turtle

They continue to monitor his Stool and see no change.

A rookie cop is sent to monitor a speed trap for hours...

Finally near the end of his shift a car blows by at 80 mph. He pulls over a teenager and tells him, "I waited all day for you to get here."
The teenager replies: "I got here as fast as I could."

What is black and doesn't work?

My monitor.

How can you tell if a blonde has been at a computer working on a Word document?

There's White Out all over the computer monitor.

A stray bullet just flew through my window and broke my monitor.

I think there are better ways to take a screenshot...

New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year's Resolution

Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy w**... from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy c**... from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo

TIFU by k**... my computer monitor...

and my foot still hertz.

A pirate walks into a bar…

A pirate walks into a bar with a small computer and monitor on his c**.... The bartender picks him out immediately and notices graphs and statistical functions appearing on the screen as the pirate walks up to him. When he reaches the bar, the pirate asks
for some r**....
The bartender says, "Yes, but sir, do you realize you have a computer in your pants?
The pirate gestures down and explains, "R! It's drivin' me nuts!"

What is a racist guy's favorite type of monitor?

3k

Why were there never any 3k monitors?

Because w**... were over pronounced, and color balance was no good.

Sod's law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law: The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.
Campbell's law: The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processes it is intended to monitor.
Cole's law: A salad dish of shredded raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise.

Life was recently discovered on Mars.

NASA had recently sent more cameras to monitor the surface of Mars when they came across a creature that they had never seen before. Due to it's large ears and long tail they decided that this was some new form of feline species. However, upon closer inspection they found that this creature was not moving and in fact had large tire marks across it's back. Based on these findings NASA had but one unfortunate observation to make.
"Curiosity killed the cat"

The FBI closed the National Solar Observatory monitoring the sun in New Mexico.

It has been repositioned to monitor Uranus.

I need a monitor parallel from my window

So I could look at something from the bright side.

GEEK b**...... INCHES

I've got a 21-inch... monitor.

My New Year's resolution is exactly the same as the last year's

1920x1080p, I still don't have money for a new monitor...

I got a new ultra high definition monitor on January 1st.

My New Year's resolution is 4K.

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

The Farmer was careful to monitor the ratio of roosters to chickens

He was trying to control ova population.

Two friends meet after several months in the streat and they start talking

\+ You have lost a lot of weight! You look better!
\- Yeah, I have been going to a new gym. It is near here.
\+ Oh really? Do you have a strict monitor and a dietist?
\- No, the gym is so expensive that I barely have money to eat.

All of our workers have airbags in their monitor

So it will protect them when their computers c**....

A teacher asks her students what they do after school.

Teacher : "What do you do after school?"
Student #1 : "I always go buy cigarettes from Yakobo"
Student #2 : "I go to buy w**... from Yakobo"
Student #3 : "I go to buy c**... from Yakobo"
Student #4 : "I always stay at home and do my homework"
Teacher : \*points at Student #4\* "You are a great student. I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to the other students. What is your name?"
Student #4 : "Yakobo"

Little Johnny wants a computer upgrade

Little Johnny was complaining to his mom that he needs a new computer, because the graphics aren't as clear as his friend's.
His mom looked at the monitor and said, it'll take her 10 minutes to upgrade the computer.
Johnny laughed. Mom could barely change a light bulb, but she was going to upgrade his computer in 10 minutes!?
10 minutes later, Johnny couldn't believe it. The graphics were clearer than his friend's!
"How did you do it?", he asked?
She said, "I cleaned your monitor".

Mood 𝑺𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈

Two women are shopping and talking about their husbands. One says, "My husband said he was getting impatient with my mood swings, so he bought me a mood ring the other day to monitor my moods." "How'd that work out?" asked the second woman. "Well," said the first, "When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big, flipping red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond."