money Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious money puns

If having sex for money makes you a whore...

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

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Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

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An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

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If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets....

I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

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When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

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Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

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I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew you could do it!

W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.

H- how much you pay him?

W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.

H- I hope you gave him bread.

W- Do I look like a fucking baker?

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I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.

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How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Shout, I got money on that guy with the knife!

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Genie: Whats your first wish?

Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

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A robber broke into my house last night looking for money

So I woke up to look with him.

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Not Horny.....

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

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Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

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I wish my college was run by EA

At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money

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If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.

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If i had a nickel for every existential crisis

it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless

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I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

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I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

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Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

"Well, neither would Pete,"

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I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

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Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

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A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

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A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

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Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

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Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

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Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

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A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?

Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.

Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?

Daughter: Yeah sure!

Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.

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2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people.

1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs

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What are the most funny Money jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Money? Well, here are the best Money dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Money pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes