Money Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets....

I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money?

Patreon

I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.

Genie: Whats your first wish?

Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money

So I woke up to look with him.

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

I wish my college was run by EA

At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money

If i had a nickel for every existential crisis

it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?

Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.

Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?

Daughter: Yeah sure!

Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.

2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people.

1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.

Thief: You must really love your wife!


Man: No, but she will be home shortly .

A bank is a place that will lend you money

if you can prove that you don't need it.

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."

A conversation with a genie

Genie: What is your first wish?

Steve: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted. Second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.

Now they also call me poor.

My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money. If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.

I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up

Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've had

Does money even matter

A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.

Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!

She says This sub really loves reposts.

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.

But she figured out I was only after my money.

I don't get the point of a lap dance

If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife

A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money.

It was a strobbery.

The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .

but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions.

That is all.

To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

I posed naked for a magazine today

Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money

A thief

A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

Just got scammed out of $15.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

My highschool bully still takes my lunch money...

But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

I'm addicted to having money in the bank.

And I really do suffer from withdrawals.

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"

Barry says "make it $1000".

10 shots of whiskey please!

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "No money."

A female nudist calls for a taxi

The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.


At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a naked girl before?



Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..

A Robber entered my home in hopes of finding money.....

I joined the search with him.

I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

I spent too much money on video games this month.

All of my savings have gone up in Steam.

Dad: When you turn 18, I'm taking you to the strip club.

Teen: Of course not dad!





Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.

A total naked woman rushed in a taxi. The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly. The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"

The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality...

I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

A man tries to rob a bank

Man: "Where is the money!"

Teller:

Man: "Where is the money!"

Teller:

Penn: "He always does this."

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run

Politician: They run and then steal your money

Never give a donation to someone collecting for a charity marathon.

They'll take the money and run.

I loaned a blind guy some money...

It's ok though. He said he'd pay me back next time he saw me.

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

I once made a belt out of $100 bills

Turns out it was just a waist of money

I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there's no money in there.

Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

A burglar entered my house

In the middle of the night so I asked him what he was doing. He said he was looking for money so I got up and searched with him :(

I asked my girlfriend if looks and money were important to her when choosing a boyfriend...

she said "Clearly not."

:-(

My wife doesn't know it,

but every time we have sex I put $1 in an envelope. I save that money, and plan on getting her something special for our anniversary.

So far she's getting a McChicken

My mom embarassed me me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer"

I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"

i hate when homeless people shaking their cup of coins at me

like yeah i know you have more money than me but you don't need to rub it in

"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."

Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"

Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

A husband leaves his money in the attic...

His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.

The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."

A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."

What are the funniest money jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Money? Well, here are the best Money puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Money pick up lines to share with friends.

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