Money Jokes
157 money jokes and hilarious money puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about money that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Roll up your sleeves and get ready to mint laughter with our treasury of Jokes about Money. This note-worthy collection plays the funny market and humorously showcases the wonderful, and sometimes ridiculous, relationship we all share with currency.
While you probably won't be able to pay your bills with these jokes, they are perfect for breaking the ice at an economics conference, lightening the mood when the budget's tight, or simply to outsmart the taxman blues. After all, who knew that finances could be fun?
Whether it's puns on pennies or witticisms about wealth, these money jokes are bound to de-stress your wallet and will make you feel a bit richer with laughter. So let’s dive in, because while money might not grow on trees, it can certainly tickle your funny bone!
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Funniest Money Short Jokes
Short money jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The money humour may include short financial jokes also.
- Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
- If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets.... I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.
- When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
- Cashier: that'll be $19.99 Me: *pulls out a $50*
Cashier: sorry we've been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?
Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30* - I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
- Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money. - My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo The money's not great but the tips are huge
- I wish my college was run by EA At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money
- If i had a nickel for every existential crisis it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless
- My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it
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Money One Liners
Which money one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with money? I can suggest the ones about cash and income.
- I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
- What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money? Patreon
- A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.
- I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
- Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations
- Today I made my first money as a Programmer. I sold my laptop.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
- A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery.
- I'm addicted to having money in the bank. And I really do suffer from withdrawals.
- What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer? By selling your camera.
- I once made a belt out of $100 bills Turns out it was just a waist of money
- If I had a dollar for every gender I would have two dollars and a lot of monopoly money.
- What do you call a belt made of dollar bills? A waist of money.
- I recently came into a large sum of money. Now it's all sticky and no one will accept it.
No Money Jokes
Here is a list of funny no money jokes and even better no money puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene
- Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
- A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a computer science student. I don't have either". - The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
- Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief? An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.." - I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.
- 2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people. 1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs - My dad always says, Don't spend too much money on expensive headphones. That's….sound advice.
- I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.
- A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life" I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
Making Money Jokes
Here is a list of funny making money jokes and even better making money puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers? Because they can wash their crack and sell it again
- If dentists make all their money from bad teeth... ....why should we use toothpaste that 8 out of 10 dentists recommend.
- I like making money It's a lot easier than earning it.
- I've invented a machine that prints money. I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents. - Indian restaurants make most of their money off of the bread.. They're naan-profit organizations.
- What type of writing makes the most money? Ransom notes.
- What's the fastest way to make money as a guitarist? By selling your guitar.
- I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?
- I finally realized I could no longer keep my broken money making machine. It just didn't make cents.
- If I had a dollar every time I was called sexist... I'd be making more money than the average woman
Saving Money Jokes
Here is a list of funny saving money jokes and even better saving money puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.
- I spent too much money on video games this month. All of my savings have gone up in Steam.
- My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night. So nice of her to save me the gas money.
- How do dating sites in Alabama save money? They link to Ancestry.com
- I finally saved up enough money that I could afford to listen to my heart. It turns out that's just a metaphor.
Anyway, I have a stethoscope for sale. - I just saved a ton of money on my Christmas shopping by expressing my political views on facebook.
- If you want to save money this Christmas. Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.
Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.. - Why does the Catholic Church have so much money? Because Jesus saves.
- This year, I'm going to save money on Christmas gifts by bringing up politics during Thanksgiving dinner.
- What's the difference between a musician and a savings account? One eventually matures and starts to make money...
Finding Money Jokes
Here is a list of funny finding money jokes and even better finding money puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value. Beach better have my money
- I came into some money yesterday. I couldn't find the tissues.
- What I need is to find a woman who loves me for my money ... but doesn't understand maths.
- Mike Birbiglia
- So, I have had a pretty weird morning... First I find a hat filled with money, and then out of nowhere I get randomly chased by an angry man with a guitar!
- My sister's onlyfans makes a lot of money I'm going to have to tell her when she finds the hidden cameras
- After Finding Nemo, how did Dory make money? She started an OnlyFins.
- I drove home drunk last night.. ..to find my girlfriend waiting at the door.
She yelled Why are you driving half drunk?
I said, I'm sorry, I ran out of money - Where can you always find money in the forest? The river bank
- What is the worst way to find out you just came into money? via sticky notes
- What's the difference between a thief and a consultant. A thief will steal your money and leave. But a consultant will steal your money and try to help you find it.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Money Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about money you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wealth jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make money pranks.
If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality...
I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I posed n**... for a magazine today
Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money
A mugger
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions.
That is all.
Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...
Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...
But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A female nudist calls for a taxi
The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.
At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a n**... girl before?
Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Money or s**...
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a h**.... I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money. If she really wants me to save money she should give me s**... at home.
What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?
Thief: They steal your money then run
Politician: They run and then steal your money
I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there's no money in there.
I loaned a blind guy some money...
It's ok though. He said he'd pay me back next time he saw me.
A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.
The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad: When you turn 18, I'm taking you to the s**... club.
Teen: Of course not dad!
Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her f**...
She'd be spinning in her ditch
A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't get the point of a lap dance
If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me s**..., I would've stayed home with my wife
Never give a donation to someone collecting for a charity marathon.
They'll take the money and run.
Two retired business men sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
A man walks into Target
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".
And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .
but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it
TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.
Kept hitting on 17.
Just got scammed out of $15.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.
"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."
A man tries to rob a bank
Man: "Where is the money!"
Teller:
Man: "Where is the money!"
Teller:
Penn: "He always does this."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.
Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?
Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.
Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have s**... with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?
Daughter: Yeah sure!
Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two w**... in this house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy visits his favorite d**...
He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him s**... and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
A homeless guy asked me for money today
So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not p**... your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having s**.... At age 30, success is having money...
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having s**....
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not p**... your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.
My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.
His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dave was getting robbed in the desert
he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"
Found this one in my 2014 meme stash
A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"
"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a driver's license."
"Oh, Ignore him.", his wife said, "He always speaks nonsense when he's drunk."
"I KNEW IT!", his father bellowed from the backseat, "I KNEW WE WON'T GET FAR IN A STOLEN CAR."
Then came the voice from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"
How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?
Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:
This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me The son wrote back: Dad don't even think of
digging the field because that's where I buried the money I stole
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug
by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again:
Now plant your potatoes dad; it's the best I can do from here.
A Husband and Wife at Custody court
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?
The last thing my grandfather told me was It's worth spending money on good speakers.
That was some sound advice.
Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME.
As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just f**... on my wallet
Now I have Gas Money!
*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)
Dated a gold digger once.
I date this girl once, she was a solid 10. She was smoking hot, and crazy in bed. Things went south though, she claimed I lied about how much money I had.
And I was like my exact words where, that I has worth between 40 and 75 million dollars .
So what if it was only $2,165. It is still between $40- $75,000,000.
A high school senior visits a psychic...
"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"
"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."
"How do you know this?" the student asked.
The psychic replied,
"It's mostly intuition."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
No joke, Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.
I guess all the money in the world can't help e**...-isle dysfunction
I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.
She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
Where the h**... do you think you're going? he says.
I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
Where do you think you going? the wife asks.
I'm coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!
A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.
"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.
Whispers the man, "Three million."
"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large b**... or small b**...?"
The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"
The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."
"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"
"The coins of course."
"But which would have the greater value?"
At this moment, the man was enlightened.
