The Best 88 Money Jokes

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

I posed naked for a magazine today

Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money

A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"

Barry says "make it $1000".

A Robber entered my home in hopes of finding money.....

I joined the search with him.

A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money.

It was a strobbery.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions.

That is all.

10 shots of whiskey please!

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "No money."

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

A thief

A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.

A female nudist calls for a taxi

The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.

At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a naked girl before?

Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..

I'm addicted to having money in the bank.

And I really do suffer from withdrawals.

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A $100 bill.

Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money. If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.

One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"

The man says, "I should have taken the money."

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

My highschool bully still takes my lunch money...

But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

Genie: Whats your first wish?

Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

A bank is a place that will lend you money

if you can prove that you don't need it.

A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've had

Does money even matter

2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people.

1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs

I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up

Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.

If i had a nickel for every existential crisis

it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

I don't get the point of a lap dance

If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife

I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.

But she figured out I was only after my money.

The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .

but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

A conversation with a genie

Genie: What is your first wish?

Steve: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted. Second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets....

I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

I wish my college was run by EA

At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money

Just got scammed out of $15.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money

So I woke up to look with him.

To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?

Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.

Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?

Daughter: Yeah sure!

Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.

Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!

She says This sub really loves reposts.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.

Thief: You must really love your wife!

Man: No, but she will be home shortly .

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money?

Patreon

Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.

Now they also call me poor.

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.

I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens

Money for nothing, and the chicks for free

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver

Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

I was at my bank today...

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange money for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollars, today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"

"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"

"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"

"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a driver's license."

"Oh, Ignore him.", his wife said, "He always speaks nonsense when he's drunk."

"I KNEW IT!", his father bellowed from the backseat, "I KNEW WE WON'T GET FAR IN A STOLEN CAR."

Then came the voice from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:

This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me The son wrote back: Dad don't even think of
digging the field because that's where I buried the money I stole
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug
by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again:
Now plant your potatoes dad; it's the best I can do from here.

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.


Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?


Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him


Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.


Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.


Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?


The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies


Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?

The last thing my grandfather told me was It's worth spending money on good speakers.

That was some sound advice.

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"

Me: "ship her home"

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"

Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

Dated a gold digger once.

I date this girl once, she was a solid 10. She was smoking hot, and crazy in bed. Things went south though, she claimed I lied about how much money I had.

And I was like my exact words where, that I has worth between 40 and 75 million dollars .

So what if it was only $2,165. It is still between $40- $75,000,000.

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mostly intuition."

How can you donate money to Taliban?

Just pay your taxes in United States

The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Did you know that Indian Restaurants make most of their money on their flatbread?

They're naan-profit organizations.

Double punchline Buddhist joke.

A Buddhist monk is walking through New York and sees a hot dog cart, he walks up and the vendor asks him what he wants. The monk replies:

Make me one with everything.

The vendor obliges and after handing over the hot dog tells him his total is $3.50. The monk gets out $5 and hands it over, the vendor pockets the money and motions for the next customer; the Buddhist asks why he hasn't gotten any change.

Change must come from within. Replies the vendor.

Somebody may have posted these punchlines before but I doubt ever together, besides; that was zen, this is tao.

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

Little Johnny asked his teacher a question.

"If there were two doors where one of them led to unlimited money and the second one ked ti a path guiding to knowledge, which one would you choose Mrs. P?"


Mrs. P: Obviously, the door with the knowledge.


Johnny: I would go for the door with unlimited money since one only wants something he doesn't have already.

Boob Job

Wife says to her husband, "I've been saving up and I can finally afford that boob job I've been wanting for years."

Husband: Why spend all that money on surgery? Just take toilet paper and rub it between your breasts.

Wife: How will that make my boobs bigger?

Husband: I don't know but it has sure worked for your ass!

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

Life of a taxi driver

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. the driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine,turn it off again and said "We reached your destination" The first guy gave him money,the second guy said "thank you" then gave him money too,while the third guy slapped the taxi driver,the driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he did,the driver asked "What was that for?" the third guy replied "Control your speed next time, you've nearly killed us!"

It's not graverobbing! It's a system of mining grave yards to determine the validity of transactions.

It's a new way of thinking of money! I call it crypt-o-currency.