Following is our collection of allowance humor and dollars one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Money puns for adults, dirty coins jokes or clean owed gags for kids.
There is an abundance of pay jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 82 funniest jokes on money. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any payment witze you can hear about money.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.
I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
Patreon
But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
So I woke up to look with him.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Genie: what will be your first wish?
Dave: I want to be rich
Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money
At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money
it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless
Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it
To reverse and leaving the scene
Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."
Then they call me ugly and poor.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."
...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
Non Prophet Organizations
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?
Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.
Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?
Daughter: Yeah sure!
Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.
1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs
Thief: You must really love your wife!
Man: No, but she will be home shortly .
if you can prove that you don't need it.
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
Genie: What is your first wish?
Steve: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. Second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
She'd be spinning in her ditch
Now they also call me poor.
Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."
Does money even matter
He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.
But she figured out I was only after my money.
If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife
But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.
It was a strobbery.
but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it
That is all.
On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money
A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.
His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."
The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
Genie: What is your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!
But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?
And I really do suffer from withdrawals.
By selling your camera.
Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "No money."
The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.
At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a naked girl before?
Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
I joined the search with him.
Now I have gas money.
Steve: "I wish I was rich!"
Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?"
Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
All of my savings have gone up in Steam.
Teen: Of course not dad!
Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.
The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.
The thief said, In that case, give me my money!
Man: "Where is the money!"
Teller:
Man: "Where is the money!"
Teller:
Penn: "He always does this."
Kept hitting on 17.
Thief: They steal your money then run
Politician: They run and then steal your money
They'll take the money and run.
It's ok though. He said he'd pay me back next time he saw me.
And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"
Turns out it was just a waist of money
It reminds me why there's no money in there.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.