Following is our collection of Money jokes which are very funny. There are some money dollars jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these money owed puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
I joined the search with him.
It was a strobbery.
You can explore money allowance reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean money coins dad jokes. There are also money puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
That is all.
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "No money."
Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."
Non Prophet Organizations
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?
To reverse and leaving the scene
A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.
The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.
At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a naked girl before?
Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
And I really do suffer from withdrawals.
A $100 bill.
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."
Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."
...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".
The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."
But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!
Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
By selling your camera.
Teen: Of course not dad!
Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.
All of my savings have gone up in Steam.
if you can prove that you don't need it.
Genie: What is your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
Does money even matter
1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs
Now I have gas money.
She'd be spinning in her ditch
But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.
Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.
it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."
If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife
But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.
But she figured out I was only after my money.
but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it
Genie: What is your first wish?
Steve: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. Second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.
At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
So I woke up to look with him.
On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
Man: "Where is the money!"
Teller:
Man: "Where is the money!"
Teller:
Penn: "He always does this."
Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?
Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.
Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?
Daughter: Yeah sure!
Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.
Genie: what will be your first wish?
Dave: I want to be rich
Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.
Thief: You must really love your wife!
Man: No, but she will be home shortly .
Patreon
Now they also call me poor.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Steve: "I wish I was rich!"
Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?"
Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it
So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.
His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."
The thief said, In that case, give me my money!
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange money for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollars, today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"
A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"
"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a driver's license."
"Oh, Ignore him.", his wife said, "He always speaks nonsense when he's drunk."
"I KNEW IT!", his father bellowed from the backseat, "I KNEW WE WON'T GET FAR IN A STOLEN CAR."
Then came the voice from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"
Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'
This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me The son wrote back: Dad don't even think of
digging the field because that's where I buried the money I stole
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug
by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again:
Now plant your potatoes dad; it's the best I can do from here.
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?
Vacuum repair shops really are for broke suckers.
Then tell you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed.
"I want to buy a tank!" "Buy it then." "But I don't have the money!" "Borrow it then." "But I don't have the money to pay it back!" "You'll have a tank by then."
..to find my girlfriend waiting at the door.
She yelled Why are you driving half drunk?
I said, I'm sorry, I ran out of money
...you save the money you would have spent on breakfast.
Just contact me if you need any more finance tips.
"Grandpa, make a noise like a frog."
Grandpa asks, "why?"
"Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."
Through pyramid schemes.
**victim:** please, I have kids.
**me:** nah— I'd rather have the money.
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