Money Jokes

158 money jokes and hilarious money puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about money that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Roll up your sleeves and get ready to mint laughter with our treasury of Jokes about Money. This note-worthy collection plays the funny market and humorously showcases the wonderful, and sometimes ridiculous, relationship we all share with currency.

While you probably won't be able to pay your bills with these jokes, they are perfect for breaking the ice at an economics conference, lightening the mood when the budget's tight, or simply to outsmart the taxman blues. After all, who knew that finances could be fun?

Whether it's puns on pennies or witticisms about wealth, these money jokes are bound to de-stress your wallet and will make you feel a bit richer with laughter. So let’s dive in, because while money might not grow on trees, it can certainly tickle your funny bone!

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jokes about money

Best Short Money Jokes

Short money puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The money humour may include short financial jokes also.

  1. Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
  2. How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
  3. If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets.... I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.
  4. When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
  5. Cashier: that'll be $19.99 Me: *pulls out a $50*
    Cashier: sorry we've been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?
    Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30*
  6. I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
  7. Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
    Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
    Rich: I want lots of money.
  8. I can't stand homeless people Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.
  9. I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me. I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
  10. Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes Genie: what will be your first wish?
    Dave: I want to be rich
    Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
    Rich: I want a lot of money
Money joke, Dave rubs a <a href="/magic-jokes.html" title="Magic jokes">magic</a> lamp and the genie grants him

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about money can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of money puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Money One Liners

Which money one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with money? I can suggest the ones about cash and income.

  1. I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
  2. What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money? Patreon
  3. A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.
  4. What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild? A $100 bill.
  5. I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
  6. Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations
  7. Today I made my first money as a Programmer. I sold my laptop.
  8. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
  9. If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've had Does money even matter
  10. I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
  11. How can you donate money to Taliban? Just pay your taxes in United States
  12. A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery.
  13. I'm addicted to having money in the bank. And I really do suffer from withdrawals.
  14. What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer? By selling your camera.
  15. A Robber entered my home in hopes of finding money..... I joined the search with him.

No Money Jokes

Here is a list of funny no money jokes and even better no money puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo The money's not great but the tips are huge
  • I wish my college was run by EA At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money
  • A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn't want it to just go towards crack and alcohol So I gave it to the homeless man
  • If i had a nickel for every existential crisis it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless
  • My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it
  • I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene
  • Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
  • A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"
    The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".
  • The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
  • Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief? An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
    A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

Making Money Jokes

Here is a list of funny making money jokes and even better making money puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make. Now they also call me poor.
  • To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
  • My highschool bully still takes my lunch money... But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!
  • Why do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers? Because they can wash their crack and sell it again
  • If dentists make all their money from bad teeth... ....why should we use toothpaste that 8 out of 10 dentists recommend.
  • I like making money It's a lot easier than earning it.
  • Little girl: "Grandma, make a noise like a frog." Grandma: "Why?" Little girl: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."
  • I've invented a machine that prints money. I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
    It makes no cents.
  • Indian restaurants make most of their money off of the bread.. They're naan-profit organizations.
  • Little girl goes to her grandpa.. "Grandpa, make a noise like a frog."
    Grandpa asks, "why?"
    "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

Saving Money Jokes

Here is a list of funny saving money jokes and even better saving money puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.
  • I spent too much money on video games this month. All of my savings have gone up in Steam.
  • My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night. So nice of her to save me the gas money.
  • How do the Lannisters save money on new beds? They push Two twins together to make a King
  • I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
  • How do dating sites in Alabama save money? They link to
  • I finally saved up enough money that I could afford to listen to my heart. It turns out that's just a metaphor.
    Anyway, I have a stethoscope for sale.
  • What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub? Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.
  • I just saved a ton of money on my Christmas shopping by expressing my political views on facebook.
  • I have enough money saved up to last me for the rest of my life! all I have to do now is die before thursday.

Finding Money Jokes

Here is a list of funny finding money jokes and even better finding money puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value. Beach better have my money
  • Jim finds a genie in a lamp The genie says "you have three wishes to make"
    Jim instantly says "I wish I were rich!"
    The genie responds, "and for your second wish?"
    Rich says "I want lots of money"
  • I came into some money yesterday. I couldn't find the tissues.
  • What I need is to find a woman who loves me for my money ... but doesn't understand maths.
    - Mike Birbiglia
  • So, I have had a pretty weird morning... First I find a hat filled with money, and then out of nowhere I get randomly chased by an angry man with a guitar!
  • My sister's onlyfans makes a lot of money I'm going to have to tell her when she finds the hidden cameras
  • Lazy thieves They were two thieves so lazy that they robbed a bank and in order not to count the money, they waited for the evening news to find out how much they had stolen.
  • After Finding Nemo, how did Dory make money? She started an OnlyFins.
  • How are welders like prostitutes? You usually find them in awkward positions screaming for more rod and more money.
  • People call me ugly... Until they find how much money I have.
    Then they call me ugly and broke
Money joke, People call me ugly...

Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Money Jokes and Friends

What funny jokes about money you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean coins jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make money prank.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

I posed n**... for a magazine today

Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money

A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions.

That is all.

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

A thief

A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.

Money or s**...

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a h**.... I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money. If she really wants me to save money she should give me s**... at home.

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."

A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes.

Genie: What is your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people.

1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her f**...

She'd be spinning in her ditch

A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up

Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

I don't get the point of a lap dance

If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me s**..., I would've stayed home with my wife

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."

The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .

but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

A conversation with a genie

Genie: What is your first wish?
Steve: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. Second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

Just got scammed out of $15.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?
Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.
Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have s**... with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?
Daughter: Yeah sure!
Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two w**... in this house.

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

A guy visits his favorite d**...

He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him s**... and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He t**... the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even p**... whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.

Thief: You must really love your wife!
Man: No, but she will be home shortly .

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not p**... your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having s**.... At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having s**....
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not p**... your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

I was at my bank today...

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange money for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollars, today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"
"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a driver's license."
"Oh, Ignore him.", his wife said, "He always speaks nonsense when he's drunk."
"I KNEW IT!", his father bellowed from the backseat, "I KNEW WE WON'T GET FAR IN A STOLEN CAR."
Then came the voice from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?

The last thing my grandfather told me was It's worth spending money on good speakers.

That was some sound advice.

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

f**... director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"
Me: "ship her home"
f**... director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"
Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"

I just f**... on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!
*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

Dated a gold digger once.

I date this girl once, she was a solid 10. She was smoking hot, and crazy in bed. Things went south though, she claimed I lied about how much money I had.
And I was like my exact words where, that I has worth between 40 and 75 million dollars .
So what if it was only $2,165. It is still between $40- $75,000,000.

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"
"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."
"How do you know this?" the student asked.
The psychic replied,
"It's mostly intuition."

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

Where the h**... do you think you're going? he says.
I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
Where do you think you going? the wife asks.
I'm coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!

A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.

"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.
Whispers the man, "Three million."
"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."

When I was a boy my dad gave me money....

When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my a**... but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from electric company there to turn the lights off.
....Dad beat my a**... again ....

I spent all my cash renting a limo and it didn't come with a driver.

Wasted all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

All the proof you need.

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"

A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large b**... or small b**...?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"
The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."
"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"
"The coins of course."
"But which would have the greater value?"
At this moment, the man was enlightened.

Money joke, A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large b**... or small b**...?"

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these money jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.