Money Bags Jokes
39 money bags jokes and hilarious money bags puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about money bags that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Money Bags Short Jokes
Short money bags jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The money bags humour may include short shopping bag jokes also.
- So I went on Dragons Den with my grandad's shotgun and Peter Jones said, "so what's the business idea?" I said, "It's a very simple concept, Peter. Put the money in the bag."
- I was at the cinema and this couple were kissing in front of us, not even watching the movie. How wasteful can you be with your money! So I threw my bag of popcorn at them.
- A man has an airtight bag of money He leaves it and comes back 10 years later. It is full of air. The son goes, "the rate of inflation has just skyrocketed the past few years"
- Don't know what to do Wife : Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?
Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them.... - Did you hear the one about the three russians who robbed a bank? The first was Stalin the cops, the second was Putin the money in the bag, and the third was Lenin a hand to the second.
- A bank robber is robbing a bank Robber: Put all the money in this bag or you're geography.
Banker: Don't you mean 'history'?
Robber: Don't change the subject! - One day Adam and his parents were at the mall.
Adams mum gave him a $5 note and sent him on his way.
He got a bag of chips and a drink.
He went outside and his mum and dad weren't there. - Why did a woman include a bag of m**... with her ATM transaction? She thought it would speed up her deposit!
- What do you get when you put a hugs, illiteracy, running shoes, and money altogether? The d**... bag Manny Pacquiao shouldn't have lost to.
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Money Bags One Liners
Which money bags one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with money bags? I can suggest the ones about handbag and money collection.
- Up until I bought this bag of chips I thought the air was free.
Money Bags Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about money bags you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean money tight jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make money bags pranks.
A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
A deer hunter was bragging about the biggest, baddest, handsomest, heaviest deer he'd bagged the day before.
"It's got enough meat to eat the whole year," he boasted.
Just then the Game Warden came up and cited the man $500 for hunting without the proper tag.
"Five-hundred dollars?" exclaimed the hunter.
"All for a mangy, skinny, stubby, half-pint deer?"
I went to the groceries because I wanted to buy one bottle of milk.
I have found out that I´ve got only 0,50 cent and the mild has cost 1 euro.
I have told the saleswoman that I have only 0,50 cent and I want to buy one bottle of milk.
She has solved the situation very practically.
She has taken the mop, went to the storage, cleaned the floor with spilled milk on it, she has pressed out the mop to the carry bag and gave it to me.
At home I have added this milk to the coffee, I have felt something like stones or something like that under my teeth, but the coffee was really tasty.
After that came my friends and the party has continued as usual.
Peeing in the Flowers...
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Lawyer joke(Not sure if repost)
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the f**..., the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
Wrong spot
There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!"
A rancher and his family have a milk cow...
A rancher and his family have a milk cow, and not much else to their name. The milk is the sweetest, toppest grade dairy around.
One day, the rancher wakes up and finds his milk cow dead. Unable to face life with his sole source of income gone, he sets up a noose in the barn and takes his life.
The rancher's wife wakes up that same day, and goes to find her husband. When she sees the cow dead, and her husband hanging beside it, she goes to the nearby river and drowns herself.
The rancher's eldest son wakes up, finds the cow, his dad, and his mother all dead. He is approached by a beautiful woman who says that if he can make love to her 10 times in a row, that she will revive his parents and the cow. If he failed, she would kill him.
The eldest son, of course eager, immediately agrees. He doesn't make it, and she kills him on the spot.
The second eldest son wakes up, finds his family dead along with the cow, and is approached by this same mysterious beautiful woman, who proposes the same arrangement. This son, also eager, quickly jumps at the opportunity.
Again, the son falls short and is killed.
The third and youngest son wakes up and finds his family and cow dead, and is approached by the woman.
"Rough day, huh?" She said, offering him the same deal as her brothers.
"So I make love to you 10 times without stopping... and you bring everyone back... What if I make love to you 15 times?"
"Well... I'll bring everyone back, even the cow, and put a mansion where your little ranch is."
"Ok... well what if I make love to you 20 times without stopping?"
Laughing, the mysterious woman says, "Well, I'll give you a great big bag of gold, jewels, and money. So much that you and your family will be set for life."
"Fine, fine... but last question. If I make love to you 20 times without stopping, what's to stop you from dying from it? The milk cow did."
World Cut Soccer
A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.
A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."
"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."
"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"
A blonde goes into a bank...
...to withdraw some money. The clerk asks her:
"Could you please indentify yourself?"
The blonde pulls out a mirror from her bag, looks into it and says:
"Yes, it is me."
A Dying Lawyer's Wish
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the f**..., the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement!"
So a guy walks into a bank with a gun and walks up to the teller...
Bank Robber: Put all your money in this bag or you're geography!
Bank Teller: Don't you mean history?
Bank Robber: Hey! Don't try to change the subject!
Guru asks disciple - If there were two bags in front of you and I tell you one has money and the other has wisdom, which would you take?
Disciple: I would take the bag with the money.
Guru: (Sarcastic Laugh) I would take the bag with the wisdom.
Disciple: Each one takes what he doesn't have.
Women can't say no to three things;
Shoes, bags, chocolate, diamonds, clothes, perfume, food, flowers, money, cosmetics, attention, romance, kindness, adventure, affection, unpredictability, confidence, humor, ice cream, shopping, free drinks..
On your knees everyone!
After a seminar on 'Your words are powerful' I decided to test my power.
.
So I walked into a banking hall with my right hand in my bag and shouted, " On your knees everyone!"
.
Before I could blink, everybody had obeyed me. Some people even laid face down.
.
After a while I brought out the bible and said, "let us pray..."
.
I think the seminar guy took my money, all I got in the end was a night in jail.
Blonde kidnapper
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag
behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM.
Signed - "The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in
a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also
inside the bag was the following note:
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do
this to another."
So a priest, an imam, and a rabbi find a bag of money laying on the ground
They all decide that they should take but can't decide how much to give to god and how much to keep for themselves.
The priest says We should draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air, whatever lands inside the circle goes to god and whatever lands outside goes to us
The imam says No we should throw it in the air and whatever lands in the circle goes to us and whatever lands outside goes to god
The rabbi chimes in smugly and says How about we throw the money in the air and let god takes what he wants?
Two friends go to Vegas
But lost their wallets, between them they now only have $8.00.
The first friend says give me the money, I have a great idea
He goes into Walgreens and comes out with a bag
Second friend grabs it and looks inside and sees a box of tampons. He says that's great, you waste our last $8.00 on a box of tampons? What are we going to do now?
First friend says you got it all wrong! We're going to have a great time, look says right here on the box, we can go skydiving, horseback riding, skiing,rock climbing, we can do anything with these things!
A teacher ask his students, what would you pick between a bag of money or knowledge?
Student: The bag of money!
Teacher: No you d**...! Don't you know that knowledge is worth more than money?
Student: Alright, so what would you pick then Sir?
Teacher: Knowledge of course!
Student: Well I guess we always want what we can't have.
I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.
I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to give anyone else a turn?"
He smirked and replied, "You're just jealous because I've won every time!"
A Blonde hard up for cash kidnaps a kid at the park.
She writes a random note:
I have your son. If you want to see him again, tonight leave a bag with $500 under a park bench by the pond.
PS. No cops!
- Blonde.
Realizing that she has no idea where to send it and not wanting to expose herself in the first place, she smartly sends the kid home to deliver her menacing missive.
The following morning she arrives at the designated bench and underneath finds a bag with the money and a note:
How could you do this to your fellow Blonde???
"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"
"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.
"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags in my hands"
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!"
A man put a bag of money in his attic.
He told his wife, This way, when I die, I can take the money with me on my way to Heaven.
When the man died, his wife went up into the attic, and sure enough, the bag of money was still there.
She said, I knew he should have put it in the basement.
An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a small plane
The American gets up, goes to the window (it's not *that* small a plane) pulls a w**... of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"
Little Sally comes home from school munching on a big bag of candy...
Her mother says, "Where'd you get the money for that!?"
Sally laughs and says, "Little Johnny bet me five dollars I couldn't climb up the flag pole! I did it, and I won!"
Her mother shakes her head. "You d**...! He was just trying to get a peek at your p**...!"
"Oh no!" Little Sally says, embarrassed.
But the next day, she comes home with two bags of candy.
Her mother says, "Did Little Johnny pay you to climb the flag pole again!??"
"Yes!" says Little Sally. "But I sure fooled him! I didn't even wear any p**...!"
I was out on the west coast, trying to sell some guns to a street gang.
The gang member handed me a bag of severed toes with tiny $'s and tiny blue bandanas tied to them. I said "What's this?! No cash?!" He said it was the latest trend "Crip Toe Currency".
After a few months I wanted to buy a stolen sports car, but had no cash. My friend worked at a morgue so he got me a bag of severed toes and I drew $'s on them and tied tiny red bananas to them. I went to that gang member and tried to pay for the car and he said...
"Sorry. I don't want your Blood Money."
An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a plane.
The American gets up, goes to the window pulls a w**... of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"
Two men found many bags full of money. To be grateful, they decided to share it with God, meaning people in need.
The first man drew a line on the floor and said: I'll throw my part through the air, what comes down on the right side is mine, and on the left side is for the poor, that's God's will.
The second man said: I'll throw all my part through the air, and God will give me back what he wants and keep the remainder, that's God's will.