Monday Work Jokes
53 monday work jokes and hilarious monday work puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about monday work that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Monday Work Short Jokes
Short monday work jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The monday work humour may include short monday office jokes also.
- Boss: Can you work this weekend? Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.
Boss: What time will you get here?
Me: Monday. - Shoutout to my teachers from high school who said I would work at McDonalds I have my first shift on Monday.
- It appears we have reached that day once again where all the Irish people get drunk and start fights tonight and skip work tomorrow. Monday.
- For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday... ...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim.
- Remember, always give 100% of your effort at work 12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday - If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
- I organised a secret Santa at work I put my name on 10 pieces of paper and everybody picked one. Can't wait till Monday!
- "Work is always dead on Friday's..." "...and Saturday's and Sunday's and Monday's..."
~ Cemetery Worker - My coworker who believes Jesus Christ was the immaculately conceived son of God who rose from the dead can't believe it's Monday already.
- Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
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Monday Work One Liners
Which monday work one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with monday work? I can suggest the ones about monday morning and tuesday work.
- What fundamental force compels physicists to go to work on Mondays? The week force.
- One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
- Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- I don't work on monday's, i make appearances
- A work week is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says w**....
Uproarious Monday Work Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about monday work you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wednesday work jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make monday work pranks.
A man left for work one Friday afternoon.
Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.
Guy walks into work Monday morning with a black eye
His friend says to him, "What happened this weekend???"
Guy says, "I pulled a groin."
Friend says, "Pulled a groin? Why the black eye?"
Guy says, "It wasn't mine... it was someone else's."
Another Soviet Joke
In a small town outside Moscow a very proud primary school teacher began the Monday the same was she began every monday: by asking the students what they did to help their fellow comrads in the glorious Soviet Union. She turned to Illya Ivanovich.
"Illya Ivanovich, what did you do today to help the Collective?"
Illya thought a moment and replied, "Well, Katerina Maximovna, I helped an old woman cross the street."
"Wonderful," his teacher replied, "you truly helped your country. And you, Alexander Michaelovich, what did you do this weekend to help the Collective?"
"Well, you see Katerina Maximovna, I was helping Illya to help the old lady cross the street."
"OK. Good work. You certainly helped your nation and your fellow comrads." Katerina then looked at Dimitri Fyodorovich.
"And you, Dimitri Fyodorovich. What did you do this weekend to benefit the Collective?"
Dimitri thought for a moment, and then said, "Katerina Maximovna, you see, I was also helping Alexander and Illya to help the old woman across the street."
Katerina Maximovna paused a moment, and then with a confused look she said, "OK, Dimitri Fyodorovich, it is always good to help others. But I am confused. Why did it take three strong young boys to help one old babushka across the street?"
Dimitri thought for a moment and answered, "Well, you see, she didn't want to cross."
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
A man left work
one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
Paybacktime
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
Russian joke
Boss gathers his employees for all-hands meeting. He says, "Alright people, we aren't getting anything done, productivity is nil, let's try new routine. On mondays, we're gonna to rest up after weekend. On tuesdays, we're gonna gear up for work. On wednesdays, we're gonna work. On thursdays, we're gonna rest up from working. And fridays we're gonna gear up for weekend. Any questions?"
After moment, guy in back raises hand. "So how long is this b**... with wednesdays gonna go on for?"
So this guy working in a construction supplies department gets fired...
And the boss needs to hire someone else. So he posts an add online, and there is this Chinese dude that applies, and no one else..
So the foreman hires the guy...
Foreman: "Sir, are you good with a supplies store?"
Worker: "Yes, vellly good with supplies, velly good" (with his pronounced accent)
Foreman:"Ok, good, you hired, thank you"
So the days goes by, and the supplies store is locked all day, the next day too. and the rest of the week goes all the same, with no Chinese man in sight.
So the next monday, the foreman goes to the supplies store in mid-day, and see its still locked.. He uses his master key and opens the door.. There is a bunch of baloons and decorations, but no Chinese worker around...
Then the foreman turns around. and sees the Chinese man with a crew of 20 of them popping out of the closet screaming...
SUPRISE!!!!!!
xD
A guy shows up at work Monday Morning with two black eyes...
"What happened to you?" asked his concerned co-workers.
"Well, I was in church, minding my own business and this beautiful women, in a slightly inappropriately tight dress sat in the pew in front of me. When everyone stood up, her dress got caught in between her cheeks. I figured she didn't want that there, so I reached up and pulled it out. She turned around a landed me with a left hook!"
Oh, no... everyone stood around in shock, "but wait" one co-worker asks, "that explains ONE black eye, but what about the other black eye?"
"Well, after coming back from communion, the same thing happened, her dress got caught between her cheeks."
"Didn't you learn your lesson?" they asked.
"I DID! But the guy standing NEXT to me reached up to pull the dress out from between her cheeks..."
"SO..." They all asked in unison... "Well, I knew she didn't like that, so I jammed her dress back in between her cheeks and that's when she landed a right hook!"
A good, short oldie to end your Monday
A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.
She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."
She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his t**... and leans in.
"Anything?" he asks.
"Anything," she nods.
He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"
How to stay focused at your Job!
Sent at 4pm, on Monday.
Sorry guys if you didn't find it funny, but to me is hilarious those twitter heroes sharing tips to be productive at your work, tweeting it in office time from the computer office!
Prison ain't so bad
A newly arrived prisoner is sitting in his cell when his cellmate, a lifer who has been inside for 20 years, walks in and sees that the young guy is distressed.
Lifer: Don't worry kid, prison ain't so bad. Do you like to work with your hands?
NewMeat: Sure
Lifer: Well,on Monday we get to work in the Arts and Crafts building. You can paint,do woodworking, pottery whatever.
NewMeat: O.k. that's cool.
Lifer: Do you like Gourmet food?
NewMeat: Sure
Lifer: On Tuesdays a Chef comes in affixes anything you want to eat.
NewMeat: Sounds good
Lifer:Do you like movies?
NewMeat: Yeah
Lifer:Wednesdays we get to watch the latest films that are released to theatres.
NewMeat:Allright that's cool.
Lifer: Do you like Music?
NewMeat: Absolutely!
Lifer: Thursdays we get a concert from big name bands like U2 and Foo Fighters.
NewMeat: Wow!! that is cool!!
Lifer: Are you gay?
NewMeat: Uh, no I'm not gay
Lifer: Oh....... well you're not gonna like Friday's at all.
Enjoy weekend and enjoy and enjoy weekend
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....
A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f-----g her."
The boss says, "You f--k your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
How would you like it if you didn't see me?
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.
She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
1...
2...
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.
Do you work on weekends?
My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."
What did the businessman say when he woke up in a hotel room Monday morning next to two prostitutes?
Hi h**.... Hi h**.... It's off to work I go.
My Jewish boss offered me Friday and Monday off work if I convert.
So it's four days off or f**... on.
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...
Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"
"That would suit me just fine!!!"
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..
Monday blues
Dr: what's wrong?
Bob: I'm depressed. I don't think anyone likes me.
Dr:what makes you say that?
Bob:well I had finally had it at work so I gave everyone in the office a box of poisoned candy on friday.
Dr: that's aweful!
Bob: yeah. I know. The worst part is they all still came in to work that Monday
My friend was talking about "Super Bowl Monday"
Friend: "We should get Super Bowl Monday to be a holiday. People spend all night watching the game, drinking, and partying, but in the morning they have to go to work."
Teacher: "Is that what you plan on doing on Sunday?
Friend: "No, I don't have a job."
A man came to work on a monday morning upon which one of his coworkers asked "looks like you had a rough weekend Michael....
- don't even joke about it, me Chris and James was drinking at a bar and afterwards we went home to Chris' girlfriend and had a t**....
- ....you mean you had a f**...?
- what? Oh no she wasn't home.
Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife
and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
After leaving left work Friday afternoon Mike stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blew his entire paycheck.
When he finally came home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied That would be fine with me".
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.
I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.
Black eye!
A guy shows up at work on Monday with a black eye and his colleague asks what happened.
He says "I was in church and when we stood up the skirt on the lady in front of me was tucked between her b**... cheeks so I pulled it out and she turned around and hit me."
The following Monday he shows up at work with another black eye and his colleague says "Did you do the same thing again?"
"Definitely not," he says "I was behind the same woman in church and when we stood up I knew her skirt was not the way she likes it so I used my hand to shove it back in between her b**... cheeks"
A joke for Monday…
My boss pulled up in his brand new Lexus today and I couldn't help but admire it.
Nice car, I said as he got out.
Well, he said, noticing my admiring looks, If you work hard, put the hours in, and really strive for excellence, then…..
I'll have an even better one next year.
A tech company gets a new CTO...
She comes in and says hey, we're gonna make some changes around here.
Mondays we won't work, we'll be recovering from the weekend. Tuesdays we won't work, we'll be getting ready for the work week. Wednesdays, that's our new work week. Thursdays we won't work, we need to recover from a long work week, and Fridays we won't work, we'll need to get ready for the weekend.
A senior programmer in the back raises his hand and says hey, I'm not sure I understand... Does this mean we have to start working on Wednesdays?
According to the police blotter in our newspaper, it's been a tough week for them.
Monday: Someone stole all the toilets from the station house. So far they have nothing to go on.
Wednesday: A large sinkhole opened up in the middle of main St. They are still looking into it.
Friday: A thief has stolen all the wheels off of the police cruisers. They are working the case tirelessly.
