monday Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious monday puns

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

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We had an open position with 60 applicants. I said, "I don't have time to review all these resumes. Just hire the one with the biggest tits!"

Larry starts Monday.

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I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, Clean our your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday.

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I have sex with my wife almost everyday!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

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A guy was nailing his interview

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".

The guy says "oh I went to yale".

The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"

Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

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The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.

Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.

"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Jill replies, "You'll have to jack off then, 'cause I've got a headache."

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Monday: Greg Tuesday: Ian Wednesday: Greg Thursday: Ian Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

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As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...

Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....

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I wear headphones now when I masturbate.

Its mostly to drown out the voices on the bus; people saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver." I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday."

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Do you have a pen?

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, Hey sexy, how about giving me your number. I looked at her said, Have you got a pen. She said, I sure do." I said, Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing.
My dental surgery is on Monday.

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Do you work on weekends?

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Monday."

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A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"

The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.

Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"

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I have sex almost every day

Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday

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Twerk

1. To dance using predominantly your bum, usually sexually.

2. Where people in Yorkshire go Monday to Friday

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Waking up on a Monday morning...

On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

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What do you call a person who's happy on a Monday?

Unemployed.

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A man goes to his doctor's office on a Friday and asks for him to triple his Viagra prescription.

The doctor asks why, and the man explains that his ex-wife, his current girlfriend, and an old flame will all be in town that weekend. The doctor says that it's against his better judgment, but reluctantly triples the prescription.
On Monday the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor jokingly asks if all three women met each other and the man replies: "None of them showed up."

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A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her....

Tuesday he didn't see her...

and Wednesday passed too...

On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.

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GUESS WHO!?

It's Monday morning and the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.


"Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the postman comments.


David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got very drunk and around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?"


The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.


The postman laughs and says, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded. "Your name came up 7 times."

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Shoutout to my teachers from high school who said I would work at McDonalds

I have my first shift on Monday.

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A man goes to the pharmacists and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills

A man goes to the pharmacist and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills.

The pharmacist is confused and asks why 3 1/2?

The man responds. "Well, Monday I am going to see my mistress and I need two. I need one for Wednesday with my wife. And on Friday, I am going to the sauna and it just needs to look presentable.

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My buddy showed up to work Monday with a black eye

I asked him what happened, and he said, Well, I was at church yesterday and there was a woman in front of me. When we stood up, I noticed that her skirt had squeezed into her ass crack, so I pulled it out for her. She turned around and punched me in the eye!

The next Monday, my buddy showed up to work with the other eye blackened. I couldn't believe it, so I asked him what happened this time. He said, Well, went to church again, and sat behind the same woman again. When we stood up, I noticed she had a wedgie again.

Oh no! , I said. You didn't! . No, he said, but my brother was next to me, and he saw it and he pulled it out. Now, I know she don't like that, so I pushed it back in!

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A good, short oldie to end your Monday

A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.

She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."

She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his throat and leans in.

"Anything?" he asks.

"Anything," she nods.

He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"

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A man asked his doctor for a triple Rx of Viagra

A man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.
Doctor: I can't give you a triple dose.
Man: Why not?
Doctor: Because it's not safe.
Man: But I need it really bad.
Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented.
Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office....his right arm in a sling.
Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?
Man: No one showed up.

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Little Johnny was in class when his teacher

Little Johnny was in class when his teacher told the class that she would be introducing something new. Every Friday she would ask them a question and the quickest student to get it right would get the next Monday off school.

The first Friday she asks them 'how many blades of grass are there in the field?'
Of course no one puts their hand up.

The second Friday she asks them 'how many stars are there in the sky?'
Again no one puts their hand up.

Little Johnny, determined to get Monday off decides to prepare for next Friday.
He collects a bag of ping-pong balls and paints them black then takes them in for Friday's question.

That Friday the teacher finishes the last lesson and is about to ask the question when 20 black balls fly around the classroom.
Crossly she says 'who's the comedian with the black balls?'
Little Johnny replies 'Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday!'

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I have sex almost every night!

Almost Monday night, almost Tuesday night...

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The Final Exam

The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.

They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.

The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.

The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem. It asked:

"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"

"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."

Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.

On the second page was written:

"(For 95 points): Which tire?"

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I was watching women's volleyball during the Olympics and there was already a wrist injury

But don't worry, I should be fine by Monday.

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Two students go skiing..

Two students decide to go skiing for the weekend, and are having such a good time they decide to blow off the (calculus, I believe) exam that they have scheduled for Monday morning in order to get some final runs in before they head back to school. They decide to tell the prof that they got a flat tire and therefore deserve to take the exam at a rescheduled time.

Hearing the story, said professor agrees that it really was just bad luck, and of course they can take the exam later. At the appointed time, the prof greets them and places them in two separate rooms to take the exam.

The few questions on the first page are worth a minor 10% of the overall grade, and are quite easy. Each student grows progressively confident as they take the test, sure that they have gotten away with fooling the professor. However, when they turn to the second page they discover that they really haven't.

The only question on the page, worth 90% of the exam, reads: "Which tire was flat?"

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An man goes to buy some Viagra.

He explains to the doctor that a couple of young girls are staying at his place for the weekend. The doctor sells him the pills, and sends him on his way. On Monday, the man comes back and asks for some painkillers. The doctor says, "What did you do to cause so much pain to your penis?" The man says, "Oh, these aren't for my penis. They're for my wrist. The girls never showed up!"

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A pastor bikes to his friends house every monday...

One Monday, the Pastor shows up 3 hours later than usual. His friend asks, "Why were you so late today?"
The Pastor replies, "My bike was stolen so I had to walk here."

His friend thinks for a minute and says "I know how you can get your bike back. Next Sunday, preach on the 10 Commandments and when you get to 'Thou Shall Not Steal', look at the congregation for anyone who looks guilty. That's the person who stole your bike"

The following Monday the Pastor shows up at his friends house on his bike. "Good news! I followed your advice and preached on the 10 Commandments," said the Pastor. "But when I got to 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike"

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Who Am I?

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

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Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'

Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."

The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.

Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?

Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."

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Another Soviet Joke

In a small town outside Moscow a very proud primary school teacher began the Monday the same was she began every monday: by asking the students what they did to help their fellow comrads in the glorious Soviet Union. She turned to Illya Ivanovich.

"Illya Ivanovich, what did you do today to help the Collective?"

Illya thought a moment and replied, "Well, Katerina Maximovna, I helped an old woman cross the street."

"Wonderful," his teacher replied, "you truly helped your country. And you, Alexander Michaelovich, what did you do this weekend to help the Collective?"

"Well, you see Katerina Maximovna, I was helping Illya to help the old lady cross the street."

"OK. Good work. You certainly helped your nation and your fellow comrads." Katerina then looked at Dimitri Fyodorovich.

"And you, Dimitri Fyodorovich. What did you do this weekend to benefit the Collective?"

Dimitri thought for a moment, and then said, "Katerina Maximovna, you see, I was also helping Alexander and Illya to help the old woman across the street."

Katerina Maximovna paused a moment, and then with a confused look she said, "OK, Dimitri Fyodorovich, it is always good to help others. But I am confused. Why did it take three strong young boys to help one old babushka across the street?"

Dimitri thought for a moment and answered, "Well, you see, she didn't want to cross."

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What are the most funny Monday jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Monday? Well, here are the best Monday dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Monday pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes