Monday Jokes
142 monday jokes and hilarious monday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about monday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a laugh to start your Monday off right? Check out our collection of the best Monday jokes. From witty one-liners to hilarious short stories, we've got you covered.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Monday Short Jokes
Short monday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The monday humour may include short monday work jokes also.
- Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg The Gregorian calendar
- A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him - How long have you suffered from that condition?
The guy tells him - Since next Monday. - I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, Clean our your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday.
- My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
- How do I say I hate you in a nice way? "You are the Monday of my life".
Happy Monday ya'll. - Valentines Day is on Monday Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.
- Shoutout to my teachers from high school who said I would work at McDonalds I have my first shift on Monday.
- I'm going to start brewing beer and name it after the first day of the week. Whenever a 24 or 30 pack is brought to a party they'll say, "Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays".
- I was watching women's volleyball during the Olympics and there was already a wrist injury But don't worry, I should be fine by Monday.
- What's the difference between a public park and a public toilet? I need to know before my court date on Monday.
Share These Monday Jokes With Friends
Monday One Liners
Which monday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with monday? I can suggest the ones about monday office and monday morning.
- How do you make a blonde laugh on a Friday night? Tell them a joke on Monday.
- How many excel users does it take to screw in a light bulb? Monday January 01, 1900
- A lot of people don't like Mondays But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.
- Diarrhoea Awareness Week starts on Monday Runs until Friday.
- What do you call a person who's happy on a Monday? unemployed.
- The worst thing about Friday the 13th Is monday the 16th
- Wait, Cyber Monday is about shopping? Apologies to my friends on my chat list...
- I love Mondays... It's when I take my weekly sarcasm class.
- One day on venus lasts 5,832 hours The same as one Monday on Earth
- What do you call people who like Mondays? Retired people.
- Why can't Monday get a girlfriend? Because it always comes to fast
- What fundamental force compels physicists to go to work on Mondays? The week force.
- What's more depressing than Monday? Sadderday
- Why did Selena Gomez dump The Weeknd on a Monday? She wished The Weeknd was longer.
- Mondays God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did over the weekend.
Its Monday Jokes
Here is a list of funny its monday jokes and even better its monday puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It's Feb. 14th. Happy Valentine's Day to all those in love and happy Monday to all those who are married.
- "Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife. "Sure", she responds
"Great, I'll see you on Monday!" - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. ahh, those were the days...
- A man asks his wife on a Friday evening... Husband: Shall we have a nice weekend?
Wife: Sure, why not?
Husband: Ok then, see you on Monday! - No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been dining off I Don't Like Mondays for 30 years.
- For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday... ...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim.
- Mercurian day So - apparently one day on Mercury is an agonisingly long 1408 earth hours long...
In other words - one Earth Monday. - Professor: The homework is due Monday. Student: Can I get an extension?
Professor: No worries. The homework is due Monday.png. - I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday. She replied, "Toes Go In First".
- A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him. "Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."
"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"
"Next Monday."
Monday Work Jokes
Here is a list of funny monday work jokes and even better monday work puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Remember, always give 100% of your effort at work 12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday - If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
- One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
- I organised a secret Santa at work I put my name on 10 pieces of paper and everybody picked one. Can't wait till Monday!
- "Work is always dead on Friday's..." "...and Saturday's and Sunday's and Monday's..."
~ Cemetery Worker - My coworker who believes Jesus Christ was the immaculately conceived son of God who rose from the dead can't believe it's Monday already.
- Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday. - I don't work on monday's, i make appearances
Monday Morning Jokes
Here is a list of funny monday morning jokes and even better monday morning puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The oldest one I could think of on a Monday morning: Where do cantaloupes go during the summer?
John Cougar's Melon Camp. - Did you hear about the African who loved Monday Mornings? He was a Monday morning kinda Gueye.
- Why was the clam limping on Monday morning? Because he went clubbing at the weekend and pulled a mussel.
- What are the odds of USA beating Brazil in soccer? Brazilian to one....
(credit to bill burr's monday morning podcast) - Another Monday morning of people on the Internet screaming about what other people can or can't say. I wish these Game if Thrones spoilers would stop.
- Anyone who says "good morning" on a Monday is a sociopath.
- This man is frank and earnest with women... In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
- What did the dog say to his wife before going into the office Monday morning? This week is gonna be rrrrrrruuuuff.
- My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at the donuts somebody brings into the office later that morning.
- The time you really begin to envy your cat Monday morning.
Heartwarming Monday Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about monday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean noon jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make monday pranks.
Jenga Towers
At Highschool we have a test every week and my teacher lets the person with the highest score bring in their favourite board game. For years, my favourite game has been Jenga, the falling towers game.
So on friday the 8th in the first week of September I finally get the highest score and the teacher tells me I can bring in a board game on monday.
mfw I walk into class on 9/11 with Jenga and I'm a muslim...
How many consultants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I'm not sure but I'll have an answer for you next Monday.
The Final Exam
The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gladiator's Monday
A gladiator was having a rough Monday at the arena.
His opponent had sliced off both of his arms.
Nevertheless, he fought on, k**... and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both of his feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up.
He was now both unarmed and defeated.
So we're all thinking it by this point!
Fact of Life:
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F
I'm handling Monday the same way I handle constipation.
Gritting my teeth and wishing it pass already.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It appears we have reached that day once again where all the Irish people get drunk and start fights tonight and skip work tomorrow.
Monday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A good, short oldie to end your Monday
A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.
She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."
She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his t**... and leans in.
"Anything?" he asks.
"Anything," she nods.
He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a man in his 70s I still manage to have s**... with my wife almost every day...
Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....
What are the 7 Irish drinking holidays?
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was in college, I used to have s**... almost EVERY DAY...
...almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday...
I went for a job interview
I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.
"Violent when disappointed," I replied.
I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.
A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...
"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said
He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''
Monday passed & he didn't see her....
Tuesday he didn't see her...
and Wednesday passed too...
On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into his office
A man walks into his office cubicle on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
it reads, "Do you have any n**... photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!"
Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor. Expecting an apology, he opens the e-mail.
It reads, "Want to buy some?"
During a job interview, I got the typical question about my greatest weakness.
"Kryptonite."
I start on Monday.
A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"
The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.
Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"
Just as there is a balance of good and evil....
There's a Friday for every Monday.
Have a great week :)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…
Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.
Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.
"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or j**...."
Jill replies, "You'll have to j**... then, 'cause I've got a headache."
Do you work on weekends?
My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the businessman say when he woke up in a hotel room Monday morning next to two prostitutes?
Hi h**.... Hi h**.... It's off to work I go.
My sister turns 42 on Monday
Considering it's a weeknight and we have kids and all, I told her not to get her hopes up.
"As it is," I say, "we'll only celebrate it for less than a minute."
When she asked what the heck I was talking about, I reminded her: "This is your forty-second birthday."
Whats the good thing about living in Houston?
Property values are gonna be higher than Miami on Monday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Jewish boss offered me Friday and Monday off work if I convert.
So it's four days off or f**... on.
Monday blues
Dr: what's wrong?
Bob: I'm depressed. I don't think anyone likes me.
Dr:what makes you say that?
Bob:well I had finally had it at work so I gave everyone in the office a box of poisoned candy on friday.
Dr: that's aweful!
Bob: yeah. I know. The worst part is they all still came in to work that Monday
I've told the wife this Easter I'm going to be like Jesus...
I'll disappear Friday and show up again Monday.
Good Friday is the day Jesus died.
Easter Sunday is the day Jesus rose from the dead.
And Cyber Monday is the day Jesus ascended into the cloud.
A couple planning their weekend...
Boyfriend: honey, i want to have a great weekend!
Girlfriend: yeah, me too! So see you on monday!
......
I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday
Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'
Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."
The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.
Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?
Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man came to work on a monday morning upon which one of his coworkers asked "looks like you had a rough weekend Michael....
- don't even joke about it, me Chris and James was drinking at a bar and afterwards we went home to Chris' girlfriend and had a t**....
- ....you mean you had a f**...?
- what? Oh no she wasn't home.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have s**... with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lazy people find the most strangest reasons not to do something.
I would make a list but, it's Monday and I just fed the cats.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On Monday, h**... told 1 lie.
On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.
On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.
On Thursday, 3.
On Friday, 5.
On Saturday, 8.
And on Sunday, h**... told 13 lies.
That is the fibber-n**... sequence.
My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back
"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"
The stitches come out on Monday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dude just got married and is thrilled with idea of having s**... almost every day.
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend made fun of me for being a wrestling fan. He said, "You know that stuff is fake right?"
I said, "So, are your wife's b**..., but I still enjoy them for three hours every Monday night."
I've decided that from next week I'm going to dress as a different bread every day.
Roll on Monday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife gives me head every Monday.
She won't let any of Sunday's roast chicken go to waste.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.
At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.
Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.
What happened?
I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.
Okay, that's not nice, but no need to get all misty.
Well, she was still wearing them.
Oh, that's even worse.
Yeah, it ruined her whole f**....
Sorry, no native english speaker, but i guess you get the point.
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.
I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old friend of mine married a young girl
As we're not exactly young ourselves, I was curious how he held up, and asked him how often they had s**....
Almost every day, he said.
Almost every day?! I exclaimed.
Yes, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...
If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?
Diabetes
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After 30 years of marriage, I'm tells my envious friends that I still get s**... almost every day..
Friends: no way!
Me: yup! Almost on a Monday.. almost on a Tuesday.. almost on a Wednesday.. almost on a Thursday, almost on a Friday, almost on a Saturday and almost on a Sunday!
Told to me by a six year old.
Why was the snow yellow?
Because Elsa let it go!
I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow
Edit. Did not know it was my cake day! I think this is my first joke post. Just wanted to share.
Monday Science
I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human…
Needless to say, I am beside myself.
I get laid almost every day of the week.
Almost got laid on Monday, almost got laid on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, and almost on Sunday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mondays are like prostate exams...
A pain in the a**..., but at least they only happen once per week.
4 kids are at a party on sunday night
They wake up on Monday morning, and knowing they wouldn't be back in time to take a test, they emailed the professor and told him that they had a flat tire. The professor responded ok, you can take the test tomorrow
The next day the kids are at school. The professor says you all have to take the test in separate rooms
Fair the kids responded.
The first question was worth 5 points and said what is 5+5 .
Easy enough said one of the kids in their test room.
The second question was worth 95 points. It said which tire was flat
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm financially set for life
...providing I die next Monday
I went for a job interview
And at the end they asked me, So, last question: what would you say is your worst quality?
Worst quality? , I replied, well I've been told that I often jump to conclusions...
Hmm, ok. Well, thanks very much for coming in, we'll be in touch
No problem! See you Monday!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Warning about pick pockets
At the local supermarket, two young women are standing at the parking lot exit, asking for a lift.
Shortly after leaving the parking lot, they will start u**... each other and making out, before one of them offers to give you a b**..., while the other steals your wallet.
It happened to me monday, two times tuesday and again yesterday
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the pub on Friday with my friends and didn't come home until Sunday night. When i got home, my wife was so angry...
She said "how would you like it if you didn't see me for three days straight?"
i said "that would be b**... lovely".
So I didn't see her on the Monday, the Tuesday or the Wednesday, but by Thursday the swelling around my eyes went down enough to make her out again.
I told my therapist about two dreams I had this past week. On Monday, I dreamed I was a teepee. On Tuesday, I dreamed I was a wigwam.
He said, You have to try to relax, It looks like you're two tents.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Brain f**...
Boss: Does your wife want to go skiing with my wife in North America?
Employee: Alaska?
Boss: Great, the and let me know by Monday.
I am unemployed but my local News show said there's 2000 jobs in Jeopardy..
So I'm moving there on Monday..
My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"
"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two blondes Cindy and Stacy run into each other on monday...
Cindy : Hi Stacy! Did you have a good weekend? I went out to the club on saturday!
Stacy: o**...! I was there too! I danced with two Brazilian guys who were at the club!
Cindy: Oh wow! How many is a Brazillion?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Black eye!
A guy shows up at work on Monday with a black eye and his colleague asks what happened.
He says "I was in church and when we stood up the skirt on the lady in front of me was tucked between her b**... cheeks so I pulled it out and she turned around and hit me."
The following Monday he shows up at work with another black eye and his colleague says "Did you do the same thing again?"
"Definitely not," he says "I was behind the same woman in church and when we stood up I knew her skirt was not the way she likes it so I used my hand to shove it back in between her b**... cheeks"
Why do fishermen catch barramundi on a Monday?
Because if they caught it a day later, they would have to call it barratuesdi
Where is Mike?
On a Monday morning, Paul, Mike's job's teammate, noticed Mike was not around and asked the project manager
'Where is Mike'
Upon which the manager replied
'He is in the hospital'
Paul having just seen Mike yesterday asked in confusion
'But I saw Mike yesterday dancing with a girl.'
The manager looked at him and said
'Yeah, his wife saw him tooooo.'
