monday Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious monday stories

What are the best Monday puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Monday? Well here is a complete list of Monday dad jokes:

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

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As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...

Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....

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I wear headphones now when I masturbate.

Its mostly to drown out the voices on the bus; people saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver." I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday."

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Twerk

1. To dance using predominantly your bum, usually sexually.

2. Where people in Yorkshire go Monday to Friday

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A pastor bikes to his friends house every monday...

One Monday, the Pastor shows up 3 hours later than usual. His friend asks, "Why were you so late today?"
The Pastor replies, "My bike was stolen so I had to walk here."

His friend thinks for a minute and says "I know how you can get your bike back. Next Sunday, preach on the 10 Commandments and when you get to 'Thou Shall Not Steal', look at the congregation for anyone who looks guilty. That's the person who stole your bike"

The following Monday the Pastor shows up at his friends house on his bike. "Good news! I followed your advice and preached on the 10 Commandments," said the Pastor. "But when I got to 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike"

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Waking up on a Monday morning...

On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

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So this guy shows up for work Monday morning with two black eyes...

and the boss asks what happened.
The man explains "You know how sometimes women get up from their seat and their skirt is caught in the crack of their ass?"
The boss says "Yeah, what of it?"
"Well, I was in church and when we all got up to sing, I saw the woman in the pew in front of me had it caught, so I reached over and pulled it out. Then she hit me!"
The boss says "Well, that explains one black eye, but how'd you get the other?"
The man says "Since she hit me, I guessed she wanted it up in her ass, so I reached over and shoved it back in!"

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A good, short oldie to end your Monday

A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.

She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."

She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his throat and leans in.

"Anything?" he asks.

"Anything," she nods.

He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"

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A man asked his doctor for a triple Rx of Viagra

A man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.
Doctor: I can't give you a triple dose.
Man: Why not?
Doctor: Because it's not safe.
Man: But I need it really bad.
Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented.
Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office....his right arm in a sling.
Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?
Man: No one showed up.

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Triple dose

A Man went to the doctor's office to ask for a Triple Dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.

'Why not?' asked the man.

'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad,' said the man.

'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday,
my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home
on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.'

The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you,
but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you
to see if there are any side effects.'

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's
office...his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up'.

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A man goes to his doctor's office on a Friday and asks for him to triple his Viagra prescription.

The doctor asks why, and the man explains that his ex-wife, his current girlfriend, and an old flame will all be in town that weekend. The doctor says that it's against his better judgment, but reluctantly triples the prescription.
On Monday the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor jokingly asks if all three women met each other and the man replies: "None of them showed up."

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Two students go skiing..

Two students decide to go skiing for the weekend, and are having such a good time they decide to blow off the (calculus, I believe) exam that they have scheduled for Monday morning in order to get some final runs in before they head back to school. They decide to tell the prof that they got a flat tire and therefore deserve to take the exam at a rescheduled time.

Hearing the story, said professor agrees that it really was just bad luck, and of course they can take the exam later. At the appointed time, the prof greets them and places them in two separate rooms to take the exam.

The few questions on the first page are worth a minor 10% of the overall grade, and are quite easy. Each student grows progressively confident as they take the test, sure that they have gotten away with fooling the professor. However, when they turn to the second page they discover that they really haven't.

The only question on the page, worth 90% of the exam, reads: "Which tire was flat?"

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An man goes to buy some Viagra.

He explains to the doctor that a couple of young girls are staying at his place for the weekend. The doctor sells him the pills, and sends him on his way. On Monday, the man comes back and asks for some painkillers. The doctor says, "What did you do to cause so much pain to your penis?" The man says, "Oh, these aren't for my penis. They're for my wrist. The girls never showed up!"

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When I was in college, I used to have sex almost EVERY DAY...

...almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday...

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Prison joke (NSFW)

First day in prison, a new young prisoner looks scared. Old guy looks at him and says "Are you scared? New guys meekly says "yes". Old guy says "it isn't bad. Do you like baseball?" New guy says "Yes". Old guy say "Every Monday, we have a softball game." Old guy asks "You like movies?". New guy says "Yes". Old guy says "Well every Tuesday, is movie night and they play first run movies." Old guy asks, "Do you like singing?". New guy says "yes". Old guy says, "every Wednesday, we have karaoke." Old guy asks, "Are you a homosexual?" New guy says "Nope." Old guy says, "you not going to like Thursdays."

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What's the difference between a public park and a public toilet?

I need to know before my court date on Monday.

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Monday...

A man wakes up with a terrible hangover. Going downstairs he says to his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the company party last night, what exactly did I say?". She replies,"you got into an argument with your boss." He looks at her and says "well piss on him." That is what you told him and he fired you she says, "well screw him!" he shouts. She looks at her husband and says..."I did, you go back to work on Monday!"

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The chase is on

A man is driving really fast, and a police car is chasing him. Amazingly, the chase goes on for over twenty miles. The man finally stops his car and faces the wrath of the police officer.

The police officer yells at him and says "I've been chasing you for twenty miles, you'd better have a damn good reason for not stopping.

The man says, I am sorry officer, I've had a really bad week. I got fired on Monday, my dog died on Tuesday, the bank foreclosed on Wednesday and just last night my wife ran off with a police officer. The reason I didn't stop was that I thought you were the police officer trying to bring her back.

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Wait, Cyber Monday is about shopping?

Apologies to my friends on my chat list...

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It appears we have reached that day once again where all the Irish people get drunk and start fights tonight and skip work tomorrow.

Monday.

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The Postman

Monday morning the postman named Dan is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Jim, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Jim, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman Dan comments.

Jim, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.

This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.

We had about 15 couples from around the neighbouhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman Dan thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet, asking "WHO AM I".

Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The postman Dan laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Jim responded. ' Your name came up 7 times.'

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And it was at this time during the darkest days of Christianity...

...that as he was nailed to the cross and raised up for all to gaze upon his tortured and twisted body , Jesus looked down wearily at his 12 Apostles and speaking softly with his last gasping breath , said unto them...Don't you touch my fucking eggs you bastards, I'll be back on Monday !!

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A joke about squirrels.

There were three churches in my town that were all infested with squirrels. They each came up with a different way to deal with the infestation.

The first church hired an exterminator. He came by on a Monday morning, and by Sunday the squirrels were back.

The second church prayed to the Lord to deliver them from the squirrels, but did nothing themselves to solve the problem. The squirrels never left.

The third church had a young, zealous pastor who reasoned that since the squirrels were in church, they should be baptized. Now the squirrels are only there for Christmas and Easter.

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For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday...

...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim.

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Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Ahh, those were the days...

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I can't come in today. I'm sick.

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."

The boss says, "You fuck your sister? That's SICK!!!!"

The guy says, "Been tellin' ya'"

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Why can't Monday get a girlfriend?

Because it always comes to fast

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An Engineer is standing outside of work on Monday morning...

...when his cubical-neighbor pulls up on a brand new motorcycle. "Wow Bill, sweet bike, when did you get that?" he asks his friend.

"It was the weirdest thing," Bill replies, "my old VW was broken down on the side of the road yesterday, and this gorgeous woman pulls up on this motorcycle."
"She gets off the bike, and starts just taking off her clothes and throwing them in a pile, and finally, when she's completely naked, she looks at me and says 'Take what you want.'"

"Well," his friend remarks, "you made a good decision. The clothes almost certainly would not have fit you."

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Mercurian day

So - apparently one day on Mercury is an agonisingly long 1408 earth hours long...

In other words - one Earth Monday.

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Gladiator's Monday

A gladiator was having a rough Monday at the arena.
His opponent had sliced off both of his arms.
Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both of his feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up.
He was now both unarmed and defeated.


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Jenga Towers

At Highschool we have a test every week and my teacher lets the person with the highest score bring in their favourite board game. For years, my favourite game has been Jenga, the falling towers game.

So on friday the 8th in the first week of September I finally get the highest score and the teacher tells me I can bring in a board game on monday.

mfw I walk into class on 9/11 with Jenga and I'm a muslim...

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What do you call a person who is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed.

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A guy shows up at work Monday Morning with two black eyes...

"What happened to you?" asked his concerned co-workers.

"Well, I was in church, minding my own business and this beautiful women, in a slightly inappropriately tight dress sat in the pew in front of me. When everyone stood up, her dress got caught in between her cheeks. I figured she didn't want that there, so I reached up and pulled it out. She turned around a landed me with a left hook!"

Oh, no... everyone stood around in shock, "but wait" one co-worker asks, "that explains ONE black eye, but what about the other black eye?"

"Well, after coming back from communion, the same thing happened, her dress got caught between her cheeks."

"Didn't you learn your lesson?" they asked.

"I DID! But the guy standing NEXT to me reached up to pull the dress out from between her cheeks..."

"SO..." They all asked in unison... "Well, I knew she didn't like that, so I jammed her dress back in between her cheeks and that's when she landed a right hook!"

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Bob dies and wakes up to find himself in Hell.

A man is waiting there to greet him. "Hello, Bob!" the man says "Welcome to Hell. Since Hell generally gets a lot of bad press, I have been sent here to point out all the good things about Hell"

Bob seems dubious, but listens as the man says "So, Bob, do you like Italian food?"

"I sure do!" replied Bob

"Well that's awesome because every Monday from dawn till dusk, you can have any kind of Italian food your heart desires."

Bob looks shocked, but the man continues "Do you play golf, Bob?"

"I do," says Bob, "but I'm not very good."

"Oh, you *will* be," says the PR guy "because every Tuesday, we play golf all day and then go to the club house for drinks."

Bob is starting to get excited about this, and the PR guy continues "So, Bob, do you like getting fucked up the ass?"

With a disgusted look on his face, Bob says "No. No I don't."

The PR guy screws up his face and says "Ahhhh...you're not going to like Wednesdays so much."

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What are the 7 Irish drinking holidays?

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

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How many consultants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I'm not sure but I'll have an answer for you next Monday.

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I'm handling Monday the same way I handle constipation.

Gritting my teeth and wishing it pass already.

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Son hates school...

A mother walks in Monday morning and shakes her son to wake up for school.

The son turns over pulling the blanket and groans "I don't want to go to school!"

The mother insists, "Why don't you want to go to school?"

"Everyone hates me! I don't want to go to school!" he cries.

"Well, that's unfortunate. You need to go to school.", the mother states again

"Give me one good reason why I need to go to school!", the son requests.

"...You gotta go to school cuz you're the principal!"

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So we're all thinking it by this point!

Fact of Life:
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F

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You remind me of Monday...

Because nobody likes you

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Learning Latin

Two seniors on a bench feeding ducks.
"I'm going to start Latin lessons next Monday" one says.
"What? You're 83 years old. What do you wanna learn Latin for?"
"Well, you know. I'm gonna die one day and if I am in heaven with all the saints and popes, you know. I think Latin would come in handy"
"You've got a point there. But what if you end up in hell?"
"Oh, no problem, I already speak Dutch"

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How do you stop a dog from biting you on monday?

Kill the dog on sunday

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The search for the mystery penis chopper goes on

Detective jones has had a tip off, but will be back at work on Monday.

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Black monday is way better then black friday,

look at the deals these people in Ferguson are getting. Stuff is free!!

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Went to the psychiatrist because I was having bad dreams....

I told him I was having awful nightmares and he asked me to describe them.

"Well doc, the last week I dreamt I was a wigwam."

*Interesting, go on.*

"And this past Monday I dreamt I was a tepee."

*Oh, well I think it's quite obvious, you're too tents.*

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Ever since I got married I have sex almost every day.

I almost had sex on Monday. I almost had sex on Tuesday...

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How to stay focused at your Job!

Sent at 4pm, on Monday.

Sorry guys if you didn't find it funny, but to me is hilarious those twitter heroes sharing tips to be productive at your work, tweeting it in office time from the computer office!

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A man goes to his doctor on a Friday.

... And the doctors says, "Well everything seems to be fine, is there anything else I can help you with?". The man says, "Yea, can I have two pills of Viagra?". The doctor asks what for so the man replied, "Well my wife is coming over on Saturday, and then on Sunday my girlfriend and I are going to hang out." The doctor then gives him the two pills and tells the man to come back Monday so he can check if he reacted well to the Viagra. So the weekend passes by and now it's Monday so the man goes back to see his doctor. Again ever thing turned out fine but the doctor notices that this time the man's arm is in a cast with a strap around it so it can hang from his shoulder. He says, "Well everything is fine again, but may I ask whatever happened to your arm?". The man replied, "Oh, none of them showed up".

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What did the dog say to his wife before going into the office Monday morning?

This week is gonna be rrrrrrruuuuff.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best monday jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about monday. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty monday gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these monday jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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