The Best 76 Monday Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Monday jokes. There are some monday sunday jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these monday mon puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Monday Jokes and Puns

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

Wait, Cyber Monday is about shopping?

Apologies to my friends on my chat list...

Jenga Towers

At Highschool we have a test every week and my teacher lets the person with the highest score bring in their favourite board game. For years, my favourite game has been Jenga, the falling towers game.

So on friday the 8th in the first week of September I finally get the highest score and the teacher tells me I can bring in a board game on monday.

mfw I walk into class on 9/11 with Jenga and I'm a muslim...

Monday joke, Jenga Towers

Waking up on a Monday morning...

On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

The Final Exam

The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.

They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.

The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.

The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem. It asked:

"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"

"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."

Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.

On the second page was written:

"(For 95 points): Which tire?"


Mercurian day

So - apparently one day on Mercury is an agonisingly long 1408 earth hours long...

In other words - one Earth Monday.

Gladiator's Monday

A gladiator was having a rough Monday at the arena.
His opponent had sliced off both of his arms.
Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both of his feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up.
He was now both unarmed and defeated.

Monday joke, Gladiator's Monday

For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday...

...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim.

It appears we have reached that day once again where all the Irish people get drunk and start fights tonight and skip work tomorrow.

Monday.

What's the difference between a public park and a public toilet?

I need to know before my court date on Monday.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Ahh, those were the days...

You can explore monday morning reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean monday fri dad jokes. There are also monday puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why can't Monday get a girlfriend?

Because it always comes to fast

A good, short oldie to end your Monday

A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.

She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."

She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his throat and leans in.

"Anything?" he asks.

"Anything," she nods.

He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"

As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...

Almost Monday, almost Tuesday....

When I was in college, I used to have sex almost EVERY DAY...

...almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday...

Plans for Easter

Wife: What are your plans for Easter?

Husband: Same as Jesus..

Wife: What do you mean ??

Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!

Monday joke, Plans for Easter

I was watching women's volleyball during the Olympics and there was already a wrist injury

But don't worry, I should be fine by Monday.

A man asks his wife on a Friday evening...

Husband: Shall we have a nice weekend?

Wife: Sure, why not?

Husband: Ok then, see you on Monday!

I have sex almost every night!

Almost Monday night, almost Tuesday night...


I went for a job interview

I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.

"Violent when disappointed," I replied.

I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.

A guy was nailing his interview

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".

The guy says "oh I went to yale".

The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"

Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

What do you call a person who's happy on a Monday?

Unemployed.

A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her....

Tuesday he didn't see her...

and Wednesday passed too...

On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.

A man walks into his office

A man walks into his office cubicle on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
it reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"

Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!"

Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor. Expecting an apology, he opens the e-mail.

It reads, "Want to buy some?"

A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"

The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.

Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"

Shoutout to my teachers from high school who said I would work at McDonalds

I have my first shift on Monday.

Just as there is a balance of good and evil....

There's a Friday for every Monday.
Have a great week :)

The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.

Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.

"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Jill replies, "You'll have to jack off then, 'cause I've got a headache."

"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.

"Sure", she responds

"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"

Do you work on weekends?

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Monday."

I have sex almost every day

Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday

My sister turns 42 on Monday

Considering it's a weeknight and we have kids and all, I told her not to get her hopes up.

"As it is," I say, "we'll only celebrate it for less than a minute."

When she asked what the heck I was talking about, I reminded her: "This is your forty-second birthday."

Whats the good thing about living in Houston?

Property values are gonna be higher than Miami on Monday.

My Jewish boss offered me Friday and Monday off work if I convert.

So it's four days off or foreskin on.

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

I've told the wife this Easter I'm going to be like Jesus...

I'll disappear Friday and show up again Monday.

The worst thing about Friday the 13th

Is monday the 16th

A couple planning their weekend...

Boyfriend: honey, i want to have a great weekend!

Girlfriend: yeah, me too! So see you on monday!

......

I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!

Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday

Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days of the week?

Because Monday through Friday are weekdays.

Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'

Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."

The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.

Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?

Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, Clean our your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday.

I have sex with my wife almost everyday!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

I said hello to a feminist today,

My trial starts next Monday.

On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.

On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.

On Thursday, 3.

On Friday, 5.

On Saturday, 8.

And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.

That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.

Why did Selena Gomez dump The Weeknd on a Monday?

She wished The Weeknd was longer.

How do you make a blond laugh on monday?

Tell her a joke on tuesday

I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday.

She replied, "Toes Go In First".

Great Easter joke I heard today

**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"

**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."

**Wife**: "What do you mean?"

**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."

**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."

**Husband**: "What do you mean?"

**Wife**: "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"



Husband stayed home all Easter.

My friend made fun of me for being a wrestling fan. He said, "You know that stuff is fake right?"

I said, "So, are your wife's boobs, but I still enjoy them for three hours every Monday night."

I've decided that from next week I'm going to dress as a different bread every day.

Roll on Monday.

My wife gives me head every Monday.

She won't let any of Sunday's roast chicken go to waste.

Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.

At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.

Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.

What happened?

I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.

Okay, that's not nice, but no need to get all misty.

Well, she was still wearing them.

Oh, that's even worse.

Yeah, it ruined her whole funeral.

Sorry, no native english speaker, but i guess you get the point.

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

A man goes to church to confess his sins.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he tells him

"What is it that you've done, my child?"

"Father, I've had premarital sex with 6 different beautiful women. One for each day since Monday."

The priest takes a good look at him before replying, "Well, son, say 10 hail Mary's and drink a pint of lime juice."

"Will that absolve my sins, Father?"

"No, but it sure as hell will wipe that stupid smirk on your face!"

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

One day on Venus lasts 5,832 hours

The same as one Monday on Earth

An old friend of mine married a young girl

As we're not exactly young ourselves, I was curious how he held up, and asked him how often they had sex.

Almost every day, he said.

Almost every day?! I exclaimed.

Yes, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?

Diabetes

After 30 years of marriage, I'm tells my envious friends that I still get sex almost every day..

Friends: no way!

Me: yup! Almost on a Monday.. almost on a Tuesday.. almost on a Wednesday.. almost on a Thursday, almost on a Friday, almost on a Saturday and almost on a Sunday!

Told to me by a six year old.

Why was the snow yellow?

Because Elsa let it go!


I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow

Edit. Did not know it was my cake day! I think this is my first joke post. Just wanted to share.

Monday Science

I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human…

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

I get laid almost every day of the week.

Almost got laid on Monday, almost got laid on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, and almost on Sunday.

Mondays are like prostate exams...

A pain in the ass, but at least they only happen once per week.

4 kids are at a party on sunday night

They wake up on Monday morning, and knowing they wouldn't be back in time to take a test, they emailed the professor and told him that they had a flat tire. The professor responded ok, you can take the test tomorrow

The next day the kids are at school. The professor says you all have to take the test in separate rooms

Fair the kids responded.

The first question was worth 5 points and said what is 5+5 .

Easy enough said one of the kids in their test room.

The second question was worth 95 points. It said which tire was flat

My boss just asked,

"Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Monday."

I'm financially set for life

...providing I die next Monday

I went for a job interview

And at the end they asked me, So, last question: what would you say is your worst quality?

Worst quality? , I replied, well I've been told that I often jump to conclusions...

Hmm, ok. Well, thanks very much for coming in, we'll be in touch

No problem! See you Monday!

Warning about pick pockets

At the local supermarket, two young women are standing at the parking lot exit, asking for a lift.

Shortly after leaving the parking lot, they will start undressing each other and making out, before one of them offers to give you a blow job, while the other steals your wallet.

It happened to me monday, two times tuesday and again yesterday

I went to the pub on Friday with my friends and didn't come home until Sunday night. When i got home, my wife was so angry...

She said "how would you like it if you didn't see me for three days straight?"


i said "that would be bloody lovely".


So I didn't see her on the Monday, the Tuesday or the Wednesday, but by Thursday the swelling around my eyes went down enough to make her out again.

I told my therapist about two dreams I had this past week. On Monday, I dreamed I was a teepee. On Tuesday, I dreamed I was a wigwam.

He said, You have to try to relax, It looks like you're two tents.

Boss: Can you work this weekend?

Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.

Boss: What time will you get here?

Me: Monday.

Brain fart

Boss: Does your wife want to go skiing with my wife in North America?

Employee: Alaska?

Boss: Great, the and let me know by Monday.

I am unemployed but my local News show said there's 2000 jobs in Jeopardy..

So I'm moving there on Monday..

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

Two blondes Cindy and Stacy run into each other on monday...

Cindy : Hi Stacy! Did you have a good weekend? I went out to the club on saturday!

Stacy: OMG! I was there too! I danced with two Brazilian guys who were at the club!

Cindy: Oh wow! How many is a Brazillion?

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the monday noon jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working monday kenny piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes