Monastery Jokes
76 monastery jokes and hilarious monastery puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about monastery that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Monastery Short Jokes
Short monastery jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The monastery humour may include short nun convent jokes also.
- A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips... "Are you the friar?" he asked.
The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk." - Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners of the monastery? Because they have no attachments.
- A group of apes had locked everyone inside of a Himalayan monastery Escape was delayed because of the missing monk key.
- Just curious, if you sneeze in a monastery Do the priests say "Bless You"?
Or do they just do it? - A missing Chinese pyromaniac has been located hiding out at a Roman Catholic monastery. He was found praying with friars.
- A monk invited me to talk a walk outside the monastery with him, but I told him no... I'm cloisterphobic
- There was a monk helping make breakfast for the monastery, and remembered you dont have to use a spatula to flip pancakes. Next thing he knew it was out of the frying pan and onto the friar.
- A priest, an imam and a rabbi walk into a Buddhist monastery and ask the first monk they find: Whats going om?
- What did the Gregorian monk say when he was kicked out of the monastery? Give me one more chants!
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Monastery One Liners
Which monastery one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with monastery? I can suggest the ones about old monk and cathedral.
- What do you you say when a monk tries to kick you out of the monastery ? Namaste
- How many pretty girls are there at a monastery? Nun.
- Why did the monk not get into the monastery? He lost his monkeys.
- What do you call a chef in a monastery? Friar
- Where do you go when you graduate from a monastery? To the tuesastery.
- How many monks are there in a female monastery? Nun.
- What do cats do when they join a monastery? They take a "meow" of silence.
- Why did the Buddhist Monk leave the monastery? Too much dharma
- If Danny Rand learned Chinese at the monastery... Does that make him a K'un-Lun Linguist?
- Wjat do you call a cow living in a monastery? A Moonk.
- My friend went to a monastery He likes order
- Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery? He forgot his monk-key.
- What do you call the act of press-ganging someone into a monastery? Force of habit.
- What's the best type of monastery to send troublesome teens to? A Beenadickteen one
- Who handles financial matters in a monastery? That's nun of your business
Comical Monastery Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about monastery you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean buddhist monk jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make monastery pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him b**... his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the **R**!
We missed the **R**!
*We missed the* **R***!'*
His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...
CELEB**R**ATE !!!'
A young monk arrives at a monastery...
and is assigned to be a scribe. While patiently copying his first text, he notices that all the scribes are copying from copies, not the original texts. He tells this to the head monk, and he replies "My son, we have been doing this for generations. The original texts are kept safe in the basement. If you wish to see them yourself, you have my permission."
So, the eager young monk decides to see the original texts himself. However, after he disappears into the dark basement, he is not seen for hours and hours. Finally, the head monk decides to go down to see what's going on.
By the dim light of a single candle, he sees the young monk stooped over an ancient tome, sobbing uncontrollably. When the head monk asks what's the matter, the young monk turns around and whimpers:
"It said celebrate! *Celebrate*!"
You aren't a monk.
A man is driving through a town and his car breaks down in front of a monastery. He decides to go up to the door and ask if he can stay the night and the monks let him. At night he is laying in his bed and he hears this extremely strange noise. In the morning he asks a monk what the strange noise was. The monk replied, "I can't tell you because you aren't a monk." The man accepted this fact, graciously thanked the monks for letting him stay, and went on his way. Three years later the man was driving through the same town and broke down in front of the same monastery. Again he asks the monks if he could stay the night, and they let him. And again at night he hears the strange noise. In the morning he asks and gets the same answer. Then he asks how he can become a monk. They reply, "Go count every blade of grass and every pebble in the world." The man comes back 43 years later and gives them accurate numbers. They let him become a monk and the first thing he does is ask to see what the noise was. They take him to a wooden door. He reaches for the handle and its locked. They give him a key, then he happens upon a stone door. Locked. He goes through every kind of door you could possibly think of as they give him keys for each. Then he gets to a diamond door and they give him a key and he unlocks it. Then he opens it and is completely amazed. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A monastery's bell ringer died and the monks put an ad in the paper for a new one.
The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says:
"Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"
The applicant replied, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."
The all get to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG"
Before anyone could stop him, he backs up and runs s**... into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.
The head monk spoke up, "Did anyone catch his name?"
Another monk said, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."
Celebrate
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate not celibate," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
Celebrate good times
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. he notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So the new monk goes to the head monk and asks him about this. He points out that if there'd been an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says: 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' So he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
hours later, nobody has seen him. So one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. he asks what's wrong.
'The world is "celebrate"!' says the old monk.
So a novice monk is copying texts...
So a novice monk is copying texts in a monastery. As he diligently works, get get's to thinking, "Hmm, if I just copy my master's work, and he just copied his master's work, and his master just copied them from his master, and so on, then what if there was a mistake? Wouldn't the mistake just be propagated with each new apprentice?" Finally, this thought gets to be too much, so he goes to the Abbot of the monastery. After tell the Abbot what he thinks, the Abbot says, "Wow, that's quite a weight on your mind. Let me go check the archives so I can prove that there is no mistake." The monk doesn't see the abbot again for several hours, but when he does, the Abbot rushes up and shouts, "Ahhh! We've made a horrible mistake!" "What is it?!" replied the monk. "There is a word changed," said the Abbot, "it's supposed to say 'celebrate!'"
Vow of Silence
Chap decides to to join a monastery. As a novice he is only allowed to speak two words to the prior, once every 7 years.
The first seven years go by and he whispers, "Cold floors..."
The next seven years go by and he whispers, "Bad food..."
Seven more years go by and he croaks, "I quit!"
The prior raises his eyebrows and replies, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you joined."
It says......
Deep in the chambers of the monastery Father Seamus is transcribing scripture. As Father Ignatius walks by he sees Father Seamus sobbing uncontrollably. "Father Seamus! What ever could be troubling you so!!??!!" said Father Ignatius.
Father Seamus, wiping his tears, says: "It says CELEBRATE."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The whiny monk
A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He can only say two words every five years.
After five years, Father Donald says to him, "Brother John, what do you have to say?"
He replies, "Bed hard."
Five more years go by and Father Donald asks him again.
He replies, "Food bad."
Another five years go by and Father Donald asks him again.
This time he replies, "I quit" at which point, Father Donald says, "Good! You've done nothing but complain since you got here!"
A monk joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence
To encourage reflection, the monks who vow silence are required to share one thought on the five-year anniversary with the head Monk.
After five years, the monk meets with the head monk and he says, "food is bland, should be spicy to engage our senses!"
Five years later, another thought, "Bed too hard, should be softer to allow easy rest to encourage restful body."
Five years later, he meets with the head Monk. "I can't take it anymore! I'm ending my vow and leaving the Monastery!"
"Good!" The head monk responds, "All you've done for 15 years is complain!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bunch of rapists take over a monastery...
... and they tell the nuns to say their last prayers as virgins because they will r**... all of them. Just then a young nun jumps out and says "do whatever you which with us, but please spare our mother superior, she's rather old and fragile". The mother nun then interrupts her and says " hush child ... all of us means all of us"
A new monk arrives at the monastery.....
and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that instead of copying the original books , they are copying the copies.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books sobbing. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate. " says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
A young man enters a monastery high in the mountains.
The monastery practices a strict code of silence as a test of discipline. Each year, before renewing their sacred vows of silence, the monks may say only two words to the friar.
At the end of his first year, the man says: "Food's bland!" The friar nods and blesses him.
At the end of the second year, he says: "Bed's cold!" The friar nods and blesses him once more.
On his third year, he says: "I quit!" The friar nods and says:
"Go ahead! You've been here for three years and you've done nothing but complain!"
A man joins a monastery...
A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. Cold floors, he says. They nod and send him away, bringing him warm mats and rugs to pray and lie on. Seven more years pass, They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, Bad food. They nod and send him away, giving him finer bread and fish for every meal. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. I quit, he says. That's not surprising, the elders say. You've done nothing but complain since you got here.
Up at a Carpathian Monastery...
A particularly strict abbot plans to punish a fellow brother for running out of morning prayer to use the outhouse. So the abbot tells him:
"Brother, I'm going to ask you to make a handwritten copy of our sacred text in light of your actions this morning. You will abstain from sleep during this time."
Begrudgingly, the monk walks into the library and starts on the manuscript.
Two days later, during morning prayer, the same monk runs into the prayer room, frantic and in tears. The abbot asks:
"Brother, are you okay? What is wrong?"
The monk grabs the abbot by the shoulders and shakes him as he says in tears:
"THE WORD WAS CELEBRATE, BROTHER, CELEBRATE."
There's a flower shop in my town...
...that always had great business until one day, a group of local monks opened a flower shop right across the street. Of course, everybody wanted to buy flowers from the brothers. The original flower shop began losing a dangerous amount of business. The owner of the shop began visiting the friars every day to try to ask, beg, and bribe the monks into shutting down their store. They were utterly unsuccessful. Finally, the shop owner went down to the local pub to enlist the help of Hugh McTaggert, the biggest, baddest drunkard in town. Hugh broke into the monks' flower shop in the middle of the night and absolutely trashed the place from top to bottom. He left with a note that said "leave now." Not surprisingly, the monks packed up the very next day and headed back to the monastery. The moral of the story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 nuns were returning to the monastery after a night of drinking and partying in the town.
While they were crawling under the fence one nun turned to the other and said, "I feel like a Marine!" The other nun replied, "Yeah, I do too. But where are we going to find one at this time of night?"
Monks had it all wrong
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is *celebrate*, not *celibate!*," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
The curious monk
A monk in an ancient monastery is doing his daily work, transcribing and recopying the ancient scrolls and scriptures of his tradition that his predecessors wrote, which they copied from their ancestors texts and so on....
The curious monk begins to wonder if in the endless sequence of copying and recopying over the ages, something got misinterpreted or lost in translation: he goes to investigate the archives.
His friends don't hear from him for a few days. They finally find him in the archives, lying in a pool of scrolls and tears. "What's wrong?", they ask him. He cries: "It said CELEBRATE!!!"
Why didn't the monk sell his temple?
*Because it had no monastery value.*
Thought of this one on my own while playing WoW a couple days ago and I'm pretty sure it hasn't been told before. I like corny jokes. I Googled it and didn't find anything (:
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nun is feeling sick
A nun is feeling sick so she goes to the doctor. He runs few tests and told her she's pregnant. The nun is completely stunned. when she's walking home towards the monastery she thinks about how this is possible as she never had s**.... When she arrives home she figures out, goes to next door to the monastery where the monk live, opens the door interrupting the monks at dinner and shouts: "Alright, which one of you b**... has been w**... off on the church candle?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest was confronted by a p**....
"Do want a q**... for ten bucks?"
Not knowing what it was, he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him. So he asked a nun, "what's a q**...?"
The nun replied "Ten bucks same as in town."
A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.
The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.
It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I escaped a burning Island nation and then had s**... in a monastery.
It was out of the frying Japan and into the friar.
A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.
The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"
There were some monks in a monastery...
...and they were looking after homeless people. The first homeless person goes up to the Abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned". The Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man replies "I stole money from a shop", "Go and drink from the fountain and you'll feel better.
The second homeless man goes up and explains that he had sinned by cheating on his wife. The Abbot again tells him to go and drink from the fountain and he would feel better.
The third homeless man goes up to the abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned" the Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man answers "I peed in the fountain".
Two Words Every Three Years
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, What are your two words?
Food cold! the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said What are your two words?
Robe dirty! the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, What are your two words?
I quit! said the man.
Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
A woman visits a monastery
She asks the head monk a few questions about improving her concentration in her daily life, but the monk says the answer is too long. He offers to e-mail her later, which leads her to ask, "Are monks allowed to use e-mail?" to which the monk replies, "Sure, as long as they don't have any attachments."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
u**... Fathers
Did you hear about the home for u**... fathers?
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It's called a monastery.
My dad told me this one so i thought i might share
In a zen monastery far inside China, a conflicted discipule has his mind shrouded by a doubt that he's sure his master, Zhi, knows the answer.
He finds him, and asks:
– "Master Zhi, why does everybody say that we, chinese people, all look alike?"
He pauses for a second, looks at the pupil's eyes and answers:
– "I'm not Master Zhi"
Did you know that Vegas has more Catholic Churches than casinos?
Not surprisingly, some Sunday worshipers give casino chips when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips for many different casinos the churches have devised a system to handle the collections. The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then taken to the individual casinos to redeem for cash.
This is done by the chip monks.
At a monastery
3 disabled friars are walking the grounds of the monastery. 1 blind, 1 deaf and 1 in a wheelchair. They walk past a lake and the blind one says it is a holly lake that miracles occur in. The guy in the wheelchair says let's try. The blind guy enters and when he comes out he says "what a beautiful morning" . The deaf guy enters and when he comes out says "listen to the birds". The guy in the wheelchair rolls in and when he comes out exclaims "NEW WHEELS"
A lesson from my life as a monk
I learned a lot during my years at the monastery. One thing I still remember is that our vow of poverty meant that we were expected to go to great lengths to look after our one robe, including mending and from time to time dying them to their regulation dark hue.
One thing that surprised me was how rough and scratchy the dye made the material over many years.
Old habits dye hard.
A ship was sinking...
The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".
A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he continues boastfully.
"Great" answers the captain, "We're one life jacket short, so you say prayers, me and the crew are gonna rescue the rest of passengers by the life jackets".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are there so many o**... at monasteries in Alabama?
Because the monks and nuns are all Brothers and Sisters.
A travelling Bishop made a stop at a monastery
He walked around and was surprised with many monks praying and smoking at the same time. He asked the monastery superior about it.
Monk: "Well, we requested Synod to clarify whether it was OK to smoke while praying. They said NO"
Bishop: "????? ......"
Monk: " .... but then we asked whether it was OK to pray while smoking and they found nothing wrong with that"
The monks were in the monastery copying those beautiful illuminated manuscripts.
One young monk suggested that, since they'd been copying copies, it might be time to go back to the original and make sure that their copies were correct. The abbot agreed and sent the monk down into the cellar to examine the original. The monk was gone for a long time, and finally the abbot went to look for him. He found the monk in tears and asked what was wrong. Through his tears, the monk blurted out, The word was celebrate!
