moms Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious moms puns

What do a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?

Both of their moms are gonna kill 'em

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She : Your dick is probably the size of a Tic-Tac.

Me : Well no wonder your moms breath is so fresh.

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Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?

Palm Sunday.

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Door to door salesman joke. Old but funny.

A door to door salesman knocks on a door and is greeted by a young boy. The boy is wearing lipstick, his moms dress and smoking his fathers cigarettes.
The salesman asks "Son, are your parents home?"
The kid takes a drag and replies "What the fuck do you think?"

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What is between moms legs?

One day a boy asked his father, Dad, what is between moms legs?

The father reply, The door to heaven!



Then what is between yours? – the boy asked. The father said, The key to the door!

Then the boy said, I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.

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Now with all the kids outside, playing PokΓ©mon.....

Dads and moms can stay inside playing PokΓ©mom.

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A little boy asks his dad

Boy: whats between moms legs?

father: paradise

Boy: whats between your legs?

Father: the key to the paradise

Boy: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy.

Dad: ( Ν Β° ΝŸΚ– Ν‘Β°)

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Of moms and ladels

A mother visits her son for Thanksgiving and is suprised to find out he has a female roommate named Jennifer. Despite her suspicions, the two assure the mother that they are just friends. After the mom leaves, the ladle disappears. The young man emails his mother the following:

Dear Mom,

We're not saying you "did" take the ladle, we're not saying you "did not" take the ladle. All we're saying is that it's been missing since you left.

The mom replies:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. All I'm saying is if Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would've found the ladle.

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It should always be pronounced "Gif"

Unless you're a choosy mom. Choosy moms choose "Jif".

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What do you call a group of hot moms in space?

THE MILFY WAY!

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"I've been eating moms for 18 years"

My cousin made a mistake telling this joke last night while out to eat with a bunch of family.
Cousin: "this food is terrible. It tastes like ass"
Uncle: "HA, how do you know what ass tastes like?"
He planned on saying something like "I've been eating moms cooking for 18 years"
BUT
what came out was "I've been eating moms for 18 years"

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The redhead mom, the brunette mom, and the blonde mom.

There are three moms. A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed."
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

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GOD SENT YOU

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.

"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why, God sent you, honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.

"Yes, sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief.

"Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

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Finding condoms

Three moms were talking about their daughters over coffee one afternoon. Mom 1 says, "I was putting laundry in my daughters dresser and found a bottle of vodka! And I didn't even know she drinks!"

Mom 2 says, "Well I was cleaning out my daughters closet and found a pack of cigarettes! And I didn't even know she smokes!"

Mom 3 says, "I was cleaning under my daughters bed and found a box of condoms! And I didn't even know she had a dick!"

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Yo moms pussy is so bushy

It did 9/11

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An old man walks into a bar.

He sits next to this scary biker fella. After few drinks he turns to the biker and says, "Your moms got a tight ass", the bar falls silent but the biker just looks at the old man and goes back to drinking.

After a few drinks the old man again turns to the biker and says, "I gave it to yer mum real good last night". The biker is visibly pissed but doesn't do anything, he just walks off to another table and resumes drinking.

The old man is now thoroughly drunk and has been telling everyone in the bar how he fucked the bikers mom, the biker gets up walks up to the man and says, " GOD DAMMIT DAD!! You're drunk. Go home"

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What do vegans and single moms have in common?

They always have to mention it.

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A man marries a women who is a very good cook..

Every time she makes something he says,
"This doesnt taste like how my mom used to make it."

Final after a year of this at every meal she angrily asks, " How did your moms taste??!!"

"Awful" He replies.

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What do you call a group of Spanish-speaking moms who band together to protect their neighborhood?

Super Barrio Mothers

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If I had a vaccine for every bullshit news article that's been spread about by stay at home moms on Facebook

I would have autism.

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A teen got pregnant and said "Oh my god my moms going to kill me!"

and then her fetus said "Oh my god my moms going to kill me!"

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What does Titanic disaster and your moms dietary plan have in common?

Lots of drowned seamen.

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The worst day of my life is when I found my moms porn

In the back of that video store.

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3 jewish moms

3 moms are talking about their sons:
The first one says "my son is so rich that he can buy Paris!", the second one answers "are you kidding me? Mine is so rich that he can buy Paris AND New York!", the third one looks at them and seems surprised, then she says: "and what makes you think my son wants to sell???"

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Moroccan jews jokes

I don't know how well these jokes will translate, but I'll give it a try... :)

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A Moroccan jewish mom is running and screaming at the beach : Heeelp, my son, the lawyer, is drowning!

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Two Moroccan jewish moms are talking about their respectives sons who moved to the US.

*Mom 1 : My son is the biigggest lawyer in New York...

*Mom 2 : Oh that's nice... Mine is the biiiiiigggeeeest doctor in New York!

Mom 3 arrives and they ask her about her son.

*Mom 3 : Well, he is actually a flamboyant homosexual prostitute

... awkward silence...

*Mom 3 : Oh don't worry about him, I hear he's droing pretty well. The best lawyer and the best doctor in NYC are regular customers...

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A jewish lawyer got in an accident.

Ambulance arrives :

*Lawyer : My Mercedes!!! Look at my Mercedes, this asshole just destroyed. He killed my Mercedes, a brand new model, what am I gonna do???

*EMT : I can't believe how you can be so greedy. You're so obsessed with your Mercedes you didn't even notice you lost an arm in the accident?!?!?!?

*Lawyer, checks his arm then : My Rooooollleeeexxxx!!!!!!!!

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Two moms were talking about their kids in college.

Mom 1: I'm worried about my son. He asks me for money everyday. Who knows what he is spending?
Mom 2: Thats nothing. I'm more worried about my daughter, who never asked me for any money at all.

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A man is teaching his son to drive. NSFW

They both get in the car and the son starts to back it out of the garage. Before the dad has time to stop him, his son backs directly into his moms parked car.

Mom, inside, hears the crash and comes running out. "What happened?!"

The dad points at his son and says "it was all his fault"

The mom reply's with, "Well... how could you have printed the accident?"

Dad looks directly at his so and says. "I really should have just pulled out."

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What's in between moms legs dad, said Johnny.

Ahh..... its heaven son, said the father.

And in between yours father?

The key to heaven son.

Well... said Johnny. You should replace your key cause the neighbor has one.

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How do moms from West Virginia know when their daughters start their period?

Their son's dick starts tasting like blood

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Toy Story 4 Will Be About Sids Moms Toys

Giving a whole new meaning to Buzz and Woody

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Three moms are talking and having lunch together...

One mom had black hair, the next was brunette, and the third was blonde.
The black haired mom says "You guys won't believe what I found in my daughters room yesterday. A cigarette! I've never even smoked."
The brunette mom says "You won't believe what I found in *my* daughters room yesterday. Whiskey! I've never even drank."
The blonde mom says "Well guess what I found in *my* daughters room yesterday. A condom! I've never even had sex before."

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whenever someone says happy birthday....

all I hear is "Happy anniversary of the day your face rubbed your moms vagina"

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Moms be like...

A man received two sweaters for Christmas from his mother.

The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters.

As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile...

she said,

"What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

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I'm gonna open a restaurant called "Moms"

where you eat whatever the fuck you're made and you can't leave till you're done.

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Happy Mother's Day to all the great moms out there. And Shaft.

Although I hear he is a bad mother...

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What are the most funny Moms jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Moms? Well, here are the best Moms dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Moms pick up lines to share with friends.

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