Mommy Jokes

162 mommy jokes and hilarious mommy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mommy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Mommy Short Jokes

Short mommy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mommy humour may include short mama jokes also.

  1. When a kid says When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."
  2. I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone "Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
    "No" she sobbed
    I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
  3. A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones. The ones on daddy's computer.
  4. Little girl: "Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up." Mom: "Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both."
  5. The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
  6. A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?" The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."
  7. Mommy! I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cus it was fake. "Oh, how did you know it was fake?"
    "It had two zeroes instead of one."
  8. Mommy, could you please make me a sandwich? Don't call me mommy just because I slept with your father!
    So what am I supposed to call you?
    Just call me Steve, like everybody else.
  9. American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"? Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.
  10. "Mommy, why do I have black skin and you have white skin?" "Honey, when I think back to that night, you're lucky you don't bark."

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Mommy One Liners

Which mommy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mommy? I can suggest the ones about mamma and moms.

  1. "Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?" "I have no idea, Someoneyourownsize"
  2. Mommy, what is a Canadian? It's an unarmed North American with health insurance, sweetie.
  3. What did baby corn say to mommy corn? Where's popcorn?
  4. Modern day bullies be like: "Nice gender, did your mommy pick it out for you???"
  5. Mommy mommy I dont wanna see grandma! Mom: Shut up and keep digging.
  6. "Daddy, why don't you kiss me the way you kiss mommy?" "Because I love mommy."
  7. "Mommy, mommy! Can I lick the bowl?" "No, flush it like everyone else"
  8. "Mommy, why is my backpack so heavy?" Allahu Akbar, honey.
  9. Mommy can I lick the bowl.. No! Flush it like a normal person.
  10. What does the 3 year old kid next door & myself have in common? We both want his mommy
  11. What did the mommy broom say to the baby broom? Time to go to sweep.
  12. MOMMY MOMMY, I DONT WANT TO VISIT GRAMPA! Shut up and keep digging...
  13. What did the daddy fire say to the mommy fire when their child graduated? "That's ar-son"
  14. My baby just said "mommy" instead of "daddy" First word problems
  15. Daddy, is Santa coming tonight? No sweetie, mommy has a headache.

Mommy What Are You Doing Jokes

Here is a list of funny mommy what are you doing jokes and even better mommy what are you doing puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Here's a joke my dad told me: What do you get when you cross mommy and daddy? A mistake
    - I don't know what it means but Mom laughed really hard so it must be funny. Dad uses that joke a lot.
  • Mommy, why is daddy bald? "Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"
    The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked
    "is that why you have a lot of hair?"
  • A young girl walks in on her dad peeing... The dad fumbles around trying to cover up. Then the girl says "don't worry dad. I've seen one before. Mommy brushes her teeth with the neighbor's."
  • A little buffalo ask his dad, "How come you kiss uncle Steve the same way you kissed mommy?" "I'm Bison".
  • What do you get when you combine a mommy and a daddy? I don't know, but my dad said it's a mistake.
  • Son: Mommy, will you give me a dollar if if behave? Mother: Why can't you be good for nothing like your father?
  • Mommy, how come computers are so smart.. That's because they listen to their Motherboards.
  • A little girl told her mother "Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up!" The mother answered "Well make up your mind, sweetheart".
  • Mommy mommy why do I keep running around in circles? "Shut up kid or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."
    In the 80s, my mother thought this was hilarious.
  • Daughter: Can I lick the bowl, Mommy? Mother: No you little freak, get back in there and flush like everyone else.

Mommy Kissing Jokes

Here is a list of funny mommy kissing jokes and even better mommy kissing puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Jane told her mum, "Mommy, I kissed Dave the other day." Taken aback, her mom asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"
    "2 girls helped me catch him," she replies.
  • You didn't see Mommy kissing Santa Claus. It was Kenny Rogers. She banged him backstage after an encore of The Gambler. He's your real dad.
  • I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus I used to think that song meant Mommy was cheating on Daddy. Now I know it means Mommy and Daddy are just into role play.
  • I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus Good thing he didn't see what mommy did after bedtime ...
  • I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause... Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my a**....

Mommy Issue Jokes

Here is a list of funny mommy issue jokes and even better mommy issue puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Daddy issues are kind of hot... But mommy issues are something to be a-Freud of.
  • What do people with mommy issues wear? Oedipal p**....
Mommy joke, What do people with mommy issues wear?

Howlingly Hilarious Mommy Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening

What funny jokes about mommy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean baby momma jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mommy pranks.

So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.

They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....
"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.
"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"
So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.
"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.
"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."

They say dad's a t**....

-Mommy, mommy! The kids in school say that dad's a t**...!
-Son, your mom's in the kitchen.

Little Johnny and his ball.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."

Important Punctuation

So little Timmy is at school and for show and tell, he drew a dot on the board.
The teacher asks him, what's that?
Timmy then replies, it's a period!
Teacher, what's so special about it that you brought it in for show and tell?
Timmy, I don't know, but this morning, my sister said she missed hers. Mommy fainted, Daddy got a heart attack, and the man next door shot himself in the head.

Little Billy had been blind since birth...

...and one night his mom tells him "If you pray extra hard tonight God will allow you see in the morning."
So little Billy prayed his heart out before going to sleep that night. The next morning he opened his eyes and to his surprise he screamed out.
"Mommy I still can't see!"
"I know son, April fools."

Oh Grandma!

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious.
"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

A Little Girl Catches Her Parents Having s**...

One night, a little girl decides to peek inside her parent's bedroom. She is shocked by what she sees, for she catches a glimpse of mommy bouncing up and down on top of daddy.
That very next morning, she asks her mom, "Mommy, why were you hopping up and down on top of daddy?"
The mom replies, "Oh, umm, well, I was just trying to help lose weight by pushing the air out of him."
The girl says, "Well that won't work mommy."
Puzzled, the mother replies, "Well why not, honey?"
"Well, every week while you're at work, the pretty girl from across the street comes to blow him back up!"

A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"
"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"


A little girl comes home from school and her mother asks how her day was. The little girl told her mom That she had found out something new. Her mother asked what it was and the girl replied
"Johnny showed me his pee-pee today and it reminded me of a peanut."
Of course her mother was disturbed and she decided to go along with the little girl's act to see if it wasn't true.
"What about it reminded you of a peanut? Was it small like a peanut?"
"No, it tasted salty."

Mr Sugarbrown's daughter?

A little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Janey Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?" With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied, "I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm not."

Legs Up

Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"

A little boy at a wedding...

A little boy at a wedding asks his Mom, "Mommy how come bride's wear white dresses at their wedding." The Mom responds "Well because it's the happiest day of her life." The kid responds "Then how come the groom wears black?"

Little Johnny catches his mom and dad...

Mom and dad are having s**... when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"

A mother takes a bath with her 5 year old boy

The boy sees her bush and asks, "Mommy what is that?" The mother, thinking quickly, simply says, "Why that's my sponge, sweetie." The boy then says, "Oh yeah! The babysitter also has one." Apalled, the mother asks, "How do you know something like that?" The boy responds with, "I know because I saw her washing daddy's face the other day."

My dad eats lightbulbs

One day these three little boys were bragging about their dads. The first little boy said, "my daddy can lift 100lbs. over his head." The second little boy said, "thats nothing my daddy can lift 200lbs. over his head." The third little boy said, "Thats nothing my daddy can eat light bulbs!" The other two little boys were like really hows that? the boy said, "Yeah i heard my daddy tell my mommy in the bed room the other night you turn that light off and I'll eat that thang!

Little Johnny's peanut

Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won't believe it! Little Johnny pulled out his pee-pee in class today! It was like a peanut."
The mom replies, "Oh, it was small?"
Little Sally says, "No, it was salty."

A joke my mommy told me :)

Once there was a woman sitting in the doctor's office, complaining of incessant gas. She says to the doctor.
"I've been having silent farts all day. I had one in the harris teeter, one in church, one right now."
The doctor replied, "I think you need to get your hearing checked."

Little Timmy walks in on his parents having s**...

He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad. "Mommy, what are you and daddy doing?" The parents, obvioulsy very embarassed, are trying hard to make up a harmless explanation. "Uhm... I'm a... I'm sitting on daddys tummy to make all the air go out of it... because he's a bit fat..." stutters his mother.
"There's no use in that, mom. The maid always blows the air back in when you're not there"

A little girl says to her mother "mommy, I hate daddy's guts!"

Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."
Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!

Little Johnny and the Salesman

A salesman knocks on a door. A few seconds later the door opens. Little Johnny is standing there with a bourbon and Coke in one hand and lit cigar in the other hand.
The salesman looks at him for a second and then asks "Little boy, is your mommy here?"
Johnny flicks some cigar ash on the carpet, rubs it into the carpet with his shoe. Then he looks at the salesman and asks "What do you think?"

There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole

The first mole, daddy mole, wakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out and says, "Mmmmm...I smell bacon!"
Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out and says, "Mmmmm....I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up, but gets stuck behind his mom and dad. He takes a big whiff and says, "All I can smell is molasses!"

Clever son!

Father: Which one do you love more , me or Mommy?
Son: I love you both.
Father: Very Well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to?
Son: Japan.
Father: See, that you love Mommy more than me?
Son: No, I just want to visit Japan.
Father: Very well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to?
Son: France.
Father: See?
Son: No its just because I have already visited Japan! :D

Little Johnny asked one day, "Mommy can little girls give birth?"

"No son. Of course not"
"Oh OK... Hey Susie! Its OK to keep playing the game now!"

Timmy's April Fool's joke

The day is April 1st, and Timmy wanted to play an April Fool's joke on his mom.
His mom comes home from work, and Timmy rushes to her.
"Mommy! Mommy!" He says, frantically.
"What is it, Timmy?" She asks.
"Dad hanged himself in the garage!"
The mom screams, then rushes to the garage, but nothing is there. She walks back in the house.
"Nothing is in the garage." She says to him.
"April fool's!"
"Oh than-"
"He hanged himself in the loft."

A little boy asks his mother some questions about God...

"Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?"
His mother replies, "Both, honey."
"Mommy, is God black or white?"
His mother replies, "Both, honey."
He thinks for a minute.
"Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?"

A young boy and his father are walking through a park when they see two dogs doing the dirty.

Boy: "Daddy, what are they doing?"
Dad: "Oh...uh...they're just making a puppy."
Later that night daddy and mommy put the boy to sleep and go off to their bedroom. After a couple glasses of wine they get at it. Suddenly the door opens and their son is standing at the foot of the bed.
Boy: "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad: "Oh...We're just making a baby."
Boy: "Well turn mommy over because I want a puppy."

There was a mother who had three daughters... day the first daughter walks up and asks,
"Mommy, why am I named Rose?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head."
She walks away. Then the second walks up and says,
"Mommy, why am I named Daisy?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head."
She walks away. Then third walks up and says,
"It's ok Cinderblock. I still love you."

Why is your cat at school?

Jimmy walks in his classroom with his cat. Then the teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy sobbing replied, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A kid asks his mother about his cousins...

"Mommy, why is my cousin named Rose?"
The mother replied, "Because your aunt loves roses."
The boy replies, "What about my other cousin, Daisy?"
"Your aunt also loved daisies." The mother added calmly.
"So why is my name-"
The mother interjects, "Be quiet and eat your dinner, Dickie!"

Dad: Say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*c**... you, say daddy!
Baby: F*c**... you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*c**... you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*t**....

Visiting grandma (n**...)

Mommy, mommy, I don't want to visit grandma today!
"Shut up and keep digging, boy."

A young child caught her parents in the bedroom last night.

The child asks,
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"
The mother replies,
"I have to do that, or else daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work, you silly!" responds the child.
"Why not?" asks the mother.
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

Comeback Joke

* nerds phone rings in class *
Cool Guy - awww, was that your mommy?
* whole class laughs *
Nerd Guy - nope, it was yours.
* whole class is silent *

Little Johnny's Game

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

A teacher asks her 2nd grade class...

"Who's a Trump fan?"
Not wanting to look s**... for not knowing what that meant, they all raised their hands except for Johnny.
"And why aren't you a Trump fan?" she asked, used to Johnny always trying to be different.
"Because I'm a Sanders fan" he replied.
"And why are you a Sanders fan?"
"Because mommy and daddy are"
"And if mommy and daddy were idiots, what would that make you?" she asked
"A Trump fan"

A mother has 3 kids

A mother has 3 kids.
The first kid goes up to her mom and says,
"Mommy, why I am I named petal?"
The mom responds, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The second child goes up to her mom and says, "Why am I named Rose?"
The mom says, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head
Finally, the third child comes up and says, "My favorite color is potato."

There are a mother and child at a wedding.

The child turns to her mother and asks "Mommy, why is the Bride wearing white?" The mother quietly responds "Because, white is seen as the color of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life!" The child ponders this for a moment, and then turns to her mother again. "Then why is the Groom wearing black?"

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."
Satisfied, the child goes away.
Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"
"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a feather floated down and landed on your head."
The little girl smiles and goes on her way.
A few moments later the youngest child runs into the room and says: "WARGLBARGLAAHRGLB?"
The mother says: "Shut up, Refrigerator."

Mommy, why were you bouncing on Daddy's belly last night?

Mom: "Because his belly has become fat recently, and I need to help him lose weight."
Boy: "But that won't work."
Mom: "Why not?"
Boy: "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back again."

"Daddy what is a t**...?"

"Ask Mommy, he knows."

Does God use our bathroom

A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?"
The mother replies, "No darling. Why do you ask?"
The child says, "Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"

Kids Marry The Darnedest Things

A young son declared, When 
I grow up, I'm going to marry you, Mommy.
You can't marry your own mother, said his older sister.
Then I'll marry you.
You can't marry me either.
He looked confused, so I explained, You can't marry someone in your own family.
You mean I have to marry a total stranger?! he cried.

A little boy walks in on his parents having s**....

"Mommy, why are you on top of Daddy?" he says. The mom thinks fast and says "Well, your daddy has a big belly, so sometimes I get on top of him and try to flatten it out." The boy says "well that will never work." "Why?" says the mom. "Because when you go out shopping on Saturdays, the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up again."

Boy and Mom funny conversation

Boy whispers to his mom during a wedding
Boy: Mommy?
Mom: What?
Boy: Why is the girl dressed in white?
Mom: Because this is the happiest day of her life.
Boy: so why is the boy dressed in black?

Mommy! The boys at school pay me to climb trees!

"Honey, they only want you to do that so they can see your p**...!"
Yeah, I know, that's why I take them off.

Wearing White ...

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."

A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'
The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'
The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and s**... mommy's c**...'.

Little Johnny: Mommy, what's a t**...?

Mom: I think you should ask Aunt Dave that question.

A mother and her child were hugging ...

"Mommy," says the child, "am I adopted?"
"No, sweetie," replied the mother. "We haven't managed to find someone who will take you."

Jimmy: "mommy mommy, at school they tell me that I don't pay attention to detail..."

woman: "jimmy, your house is two doors down"

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear! ...Next Day... (Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole! Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.

Billy's mom comes home to see him crying...

Billy, what's wrong son?
Dad hanged himself in the attic! replied Billy, "eyes in tears".
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic she notices that nothing is there and little Billy started giggling...
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!!
He hanged himself in the basement!

A little girl tells Mommy, "When I grow up, I wanna be a feminist."

The mother looks to her sweet, little daughter and says, "Sweetheart, you're going to have to pick one or the other. You can't do both."

The cellphone goes off in class...

Bully: "Aww, Is your Mommy calling you?"
The class emerges in snickers.
You: "Nope. Yours is."
The class becomes silent.

A child comes out of the bathroom and sees his mother baking a cake

"Mommy, can I lick the bowl?"
"No sweetie, you have to flush like everyone else!"

A woman and her daughter are hosting a dinner party.

When all the guests arrive, the woman asks the little girl to say grace. She says, "But Mommy, I don't know what to say?" The mother says, "You've heard me pray. Just say you've heard me say." So the girl says, "Jesus, what was I thinking inviting all these people over to my house?"

Kid says Mommy! Mommy! I don't want to keep going I circles.

Mom says shut up or I will nail your other foot to the floor.

Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy's belly last night.

Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy's big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.

Aha, I know why it isn't working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.

Mommy joke,  Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy's belly last night.

jokes about mommy