The Best 54 Moments Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Moments jokes. There are some moments minute jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these moments that awkward moment when puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Moments Jokes and Puns

An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...

... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.

"Whats the worse news?"

"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."

Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"

"you have Alzheimers."

Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."

nsfw Wife's New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."

Too Shy!!!

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine.

Moments joke, Too Shy!!!

A couple of newlyweds on were on their honeymoon and moments before the passionate love making commenced, the wife says to the husband, "Please, be gentle, I'm still a virgin."


The husband was shocked and replied, "How's this possible? You've been married *three* times before!"

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, *god*, I miss him!"

A Japanese businessman hails a taxi...

As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by.

"Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!"

Moments later, another car speeds ahead.

"Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!"

Then once more, another car rushes ahead.

"Oooooh," exclaims the businessman, "a Mitsubishi! Made in Japan and very fast again!"

Then they reach their destination.

"Why bill so big?!" complained the Japanese.
"Meter's made in Japan," replied the driver. "Very fast!"


A Moment of Silence

Let's all spare a few moments of silence for the man who told his wife he was going to China on that Malaysian flight no MH. 370 and now can't come out of his girlfriend's flat.

A man and wife are lying in bed...

The man says "hey honey, do you want to make love?"

She says "normally I would, but I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning, and that seems like it would be gross."

The man says "I understand" and rolls over.

After a few moments, the man rolls back over and asks "when's your next dentist appointment?"

Moments joke, A man and wife are lying in bed...

An old married couple are sitting on their porch one morning...

...when suddenly the old lady lashes out with her cane and hits her husband on the knee.

"Ow! What'd ya do that for?" He asked.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex!"

He stewed in silence a few moments, rubbing his knee. All of a sudden he took his cane and thumped his wife on her knee.

"Ow! What's that for?"

"That's for knowing the difference."

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;

"Alright officer, we'll do it"

So, A Man Breaks Into a House...

He begins looking for valuables and such when he hears a voice.
"Jesus is watching you."
The man looks around for the source of the voice. It speaks again.
"Jesus is watching you."
After a few moments, the man finds a parrot in a cage.
"Jesus is watching you." It says.
The man smirked. "Hey there, little guy. What's your name?"
"Moses."
"What kind of people name their parrot Moses?"
"The same kind of people who name their rottweiler Jesus."

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...

...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.

"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.

"What!? You've got to be..."

She pauses for a moment.

"...Kid-in-me."

----

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

You can explore moments quietly reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean moments crowd dad jokes. There are also moments puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Dean of Women...

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, she said, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?

A girl went to a doctor for a checkup....

During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. Doctor… she replied shyly, I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you. All right, said the physician, I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're done. A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with all my clothes? Put them on the chair, on top of mine.

Two preists are out for a drive when suddenly...

...they are pulled over by a police officer.

The officer says, "We are looking for two child molesters in the area."

The two priests calmly and quietly discuss something for a few moments.

Finally, one of the priests turns to the officer and says, "Okay, we'll do it."

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

Man and his wife are trying to spice up their marriage

So the husband comes home with a packet of flavoured condoms. He says to his wife;
"We'll play a game. I'll turn the light off, I'll put on the condom and you try and guess the flavour".
His wife goes down on him and after a few moments she calls out, "Cheese and Onion" as the husband responds,
"I've not put it on yet"

Moments joke, Man and his wife are trying to spice up their marriage

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a feather floated down and landed on your head."

The little girl smiles and goes on her way.

A few moments later the youngest child runs into the room and says: "WARGLBARGLAAHRGLB?"

The mother says: "Shut up, Refrigerator."

My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone.

So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me:
"We should have sex while my sister isn't home."
I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I find my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said:
"You've just won my trust honey!"

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

A pregnant woman goes into a coma

A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children.
The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them".
She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
And she thinks, Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name"
What did he name the boy?"
Replies the doctor "De nephew."


Currently the most offensive joke going through my head.

What did the female Marine get moments after she was gang raped by her fellow Marines?

A Dishonourable Discharge.

Two priests are out driving and get pulled over

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and saysβ€”

Alright officer, we'll do it

A man walks into a crowded bar brandishing a gun...

The man yells out "WHOS BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE???"
A few moments later, a man in the back yells back "YOU DONT HAVE ENOUGH BULLETS!".

Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl's name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You're no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …

Me: Close enough.

A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes.

Once he arrives, a nurse asks him for a urine sample. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. You're diabetic." She says.

Disappointed, the man manages to reply, "Well, I'm still very thankful for your help today, nurse."

"Sure thing, sweet pee."

How are condoms like cameras?

They capture your special moments.

Peter and John walk into a Japanese bar

Peter and John are sitting at the bar. Peter orders some rice wine, and John orders a beer. Peter gets up to go to the restroom. A few moments later, their drinks arrive.

John says to the bartender: this is chilled, can I get a hot cup to keep it warm?

The bartender replies: For your beer?

To which John replies: No, for Pete's sake!

I was always afraid of dying alone, so thanks for being with me in my final moments.

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

After many years, my father finally got his book, "Important Moments in Hydroelectric Power" published

And it's about dam time.

It is during our darkest moments...

That we need to replace the batteries of the flashlight

What's the similarity between Kodak and condoms?

They are both there to catch those special moments.

I suggested to my WiFi that it should main Reinhardt on Overwatch

It's great at tanking during pivotal moments.

Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.

He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.

A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.

Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

An old married could sitting on their rocking chairs out on the porch watching the sunset...

Rocking away enjoying the sunset, when the woman takes her cane and suddenly smacks the old man on the leg.

"Hey... what was that for?" he protests

"For 60 years of bad sex!" she says.

They go back to rocking.

A few moments later he takes his cane and smacks her on the leg.

"Hey... what was that for?" she cries.

"That's for knowing the difference!"

Great Moments in Lawyering

"Have you ever attempted suicide?"

"Yes, on multiple occasions."

"Did you ever succeed?"

A man walks into a bar, with a newt on his shoulder.

He passes the night trying to chat up every girl he sees, but sadly to no avail, since everyone is wierded out by his newt.

Finally, he sees a beautiful girl and strikes up a conversation with her. After a few moments of talking, she questions him about the newt.

"What's his name?" The girl ask him.

"Tiny" the man responds.

"Oh whys he named that?" The girl questions.

"Because he's my newt"

Why did the frozen pizza say no to weed?

It didn't want to get baked!

Just made that up moments ago

"What are the chances of me dying?" I asked my skydiving instructor, moments before jumping.

"Very high," he said. "My wife just left me."

A chicken and an egg are in bed

A chicken and an egg are in bed together.

The chicken has her arms crossed and is glaring at the egg.

The egg has an amused look on his face and is smoking a cigarette.

After few moments the chicken says:

Well I guess we answered THAT question.

German Coast Guard

An English ship was approaching the coast when suddenly they started taking on a lot of water. The captain decided to contact the coast guard for help.



**Captain**: Mayday Mayday, This is the English Pearl, we are sinking.



**German Coast Guard**: Sorry, may you please repeat?



**Captain**: This is the English Pearl and we are sinking.



After a few moments of silence...



**German Coast Guard**: What are you sinking about?

Farting to the beat.

Once, I was at a restaurant and I wanted to fart so bad, that I couldn't even move.
Fortunately, the restaurant had really loud music so I thought I'd fart to the beats so that nobody would notice. After several moments, I noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I had been wearing headphones the whole time.

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.

My Engineering teacher asked me to find the torque caused by two equal and opposite parallel forces

So I said Okay, give me a couple moments.

Old lady on the bus

she hands the bus driver some peanuts, to which he says "thank you" and eats them all.

Few moments later she hands him some more peanuts. This time he says "oh no thank you, why don't you eat them". Old lady replies " oh i couldn't possibly do that, I have no teeth you see".

"That's a bit odd, why do you buy them if you can't eat them?" Driver says.

Old lady replies "I only like the chocolate coating"

My dad died, and I wanted to talk to him in the afterlife.

So I went to a woman who could speak with the dead. I told her my situation, and described my dad. She went into a trance and, after a few moments, said "I'm communing with your father."

Then she smiled, so I punched her.

"What did you do that for?!" she demanded, shocked.

"It's what my dad would have wanted," I told her. "He always said it's important to strike a happy medium."

One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....

And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

A Jehovah's Witness knocked at my door this morning.

Could you spare a few moments to talk about the Judgement Day? he asked.

Well, I replied, I'm not a big fan of the Terminator series. I Said

A man is out golfing with a few buddies...

From across the way, the group sees a funeral going on at the church. As the procession goes by, the man takes off his hat and pauses the play for a few moments to pay his respects.

Later in the day, one of his buddies mentions how nice and respectful the man was. The man responds,

"Well she was a good wife of 30 years."

A man was dying

A man was dying in hospital. In his last moments, he grips his wife's hand and says:
Before I die, I have to confess to you. I've been sleeping with your best friend for the past year. I'm sorry.

She gently stroke his hair and says:
I know. That's why I poisoned your coffee. Now close your eyes, dear...

My Friend asked me about my EpiPen

"Why is there an EpiPen mounted on your wall?" My friend asked while visiting

"This is a memory to my best friend. We were eating dinner at a restaurant when after taking a few bites he suddenly grabbed his throat. He kept gasping for air and when he started turning blue I knew these were his last moments. With his remaining energy he reached into his bag, giving me this EpiPen as a last reminder of our friendship." I said tearfully

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on Sexual morality......

In moments of temptation, said the speaker to the class, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?



A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: How do you make it last an hour?

It's never too late to lose weight.

My dad lost 130 pounds moments before we spread his ashes.

A person walks into an auto shop and says

I'd like a gas cap for my KIA.
The car mechanic thinks for a few moments says, OK, that seems like a fair trade.

A guy in a tall building walks into a bar and sees a drunk man.

The drunk man comes to the balcony and jumps off. A few moments later, the man comes back, perfectly fine.

Later, the man gets drunk and jumps off again. He comes back again perfectly fine.

The guy watching asks "Wow, how did you do that?"

The man responds "Anything can happen when you drink enough."

Later, the guy gets drunk, jumps off, and falls to his death.

The man comes back and says "Why didn't he survive?"

The bartender responds "Oh come on, Superman. You're an absolute douche when you're drunk."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the moments that moment jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working moments blonde moment piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes