Moment Jokes
172 moment jokes and hilarious moment puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about moment that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover humorous jokes about senior moments, awkward moments, safety moments, blonde moments, and high moments with this collection of moment jokes. Laugh out loud and find the comic relief to brighten up your day and make the most of every momentary opportunity to bring some brightness into your life, even if it's just for a few moments. Something is sure to hit the spot, whether it be a bruh moment, or something a bit more softly spoken.
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Funniest Moment Short Jokes
Short moment jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The moment humour may include short daytime jokes also.
- Ever wonder how a Jehovah's Witness spreads their word during Covid? Now that you're here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
- I told god a holocaust joke. He didn't laugh. after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".
- I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
- A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life" I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
- In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains: "Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."
- Let's all take a moment to Thank Amber Heard's team of Lawyers for their efforts and hard work to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.
- Just realized that the song "Take On Me" was released almost 38 years ago... Bit of an A-ha moment for me.
- A dad joke "Dad I'm hungry."
"Hi hungry, I'm dead."
"Haha, you mean dad."
"No. I have inoperable brain cancer."
"...wha-"
"I've been waiting for the right moment to tell you." - I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0. That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.
- So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots. As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
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Moment One Liners
Which moment one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with moment? I can suggest the ones about temporary and instant.
- Justin Timberlake admitted to being dyslexic. Take a moment to let that N'Sync
- That awkward movement when you... read movement as moment.
- 'It's a boy!', I shouted..... .. and at that moment, I regretted visiting a Thai brothel.
- Reading a great book at the moment called 'The History of Glue' I just cant put it down.
- I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs. Thanks for looking out for me.
- I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes.. It's only a draft at the moment.
- I hate scuba diving It was the lowest moment of my life.
- I unplugged my grandma's life support The moment was really breathtaking.
- It's a sad moment when you realize the trash goes out more often than you do.
- Does anyone want to buy a vacuum cleaner? Mine is just collecting dust at the moment.
- From the moment I saw my wife's abacus tattoo, I knew I could always count on her.
- How are condoms like cameras? They capture your special moments.
- My girlfriend is like the Samsung Note7 She blows up at any given moment.
- What do you call a doctor who is ready at a moment's notice? An oncallogist.
- I cut my phone bill in half! It only took a moment and I wasn't going to pay it anyway.
That Moment Jokes
Here is a list of funny that moment jokes and even better that moment puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection? I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.
- Today my wife gave birth to a baby boy. I have waited for this moment for so long.. Now I can finally post my jokes here. Thank you God.
- I wrote Will you marry me? on a balloon to propose to my girlfriend. Then I chickened out at the last moment, and had to pop the question.
- 2 Transformers got married Soon thereafter, they had a baby Transformer. But at that moment when they had a baby, they suddenly could not be seen anymore.
They had become Transparents. - My Asian friend came out .. My Asian friend came out to his dad today and said "Dad I'm gay" . His dad after being angry for a moment said, "why not Gay+"
- Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv and I thought "is that one mine"?... ... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.
- That awkward moment when the woman you're dancing with bends over so you can grind it... But it turns out she just dropped an earing, and no one else in McDonald's can hear the music on your iPod.
- Went on a date with a girl once and she told me she played goalie on her soccer team Right at that moment, I knew that meant she was a keeper
- My boss texted me "Send me a funny joke" I texted him back "Sorry, boss, I'm working at the moment, I'll send you one later."
He replied back "That was fantastic, send me another!" - I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car. It worked tirelessly.
Blonde Moment Jokes
Here is a list of funny blonde moment jokes and even better blonde moment puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm not dumb, I just have a lot of blonde moments.
- Not sure about this blonde moment... Overheard at a coffee shop...
"... and the 3rd mistake was that he did it in the 1st place..." - A blonde woman calls the airport - Good morning! How much time will it take for me to get from Los Angeles to New York?
- Just a moment.
- And back? - A blonde Goes on a date with a man She asks the man if he has any kids
He tells her "I have one just under seven"
She thinks for a moment and then says "that's a lot of kids!" - A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming "lifesaver! lifesaver!"
The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks "cherry or grape?"
Awkward Moment Jokes
Here is a list of funny awkward moment jokes and even better awkward moment puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- That awkward moment when your girlfriend and side chick are both pregnant... ...and you realize you have to tell your wife.
- I had an awkward moment with my english teacher. Apparently pathetic fallacy has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction.
- That awkward moment when... ... you realise the entire run of "How I Met Your Mother" was one big Ted talk!
- That awkward moment when your child looks to you for wisdom and you're like, "Honey, I don't even know what day of the week it is."
- Big Math Problem That awkward moment when your entire Math class is discussing whether the result is 15 or 16 and your answer is -1053.
- The awkward moment. The awkward moment when you go to church and accidentally sit beside your ex, and pastor says ' turn to you neighbour and say..... 'Its not yet over'...
- Act normal, you didn't steal anything That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
- Life is the... ... awkward moment between birth and death
- When Relatives Attack There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you're getting a double-cheek kiss.
- That awkward moment when you're in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale.
That Awkward Moment When Jokes
Here is a list of funny that awkward moment when jokes and even better that awkward moment when puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you put another dish in the sink.
- Make-up... The awkward moment when you can wipe out 95% of her beauty with a wet napkin
- Awkward That awkward when you read "moment" even though it wasn't there.
- The Awkward Moment When Your Dog has Girlfriend and you still Single
- wtc that awkward moment when your crush asks who your crush is
- Toys these days That awkward moment when your toys make three movies behind your back.
-Andy
Cheerful Moment Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about moment you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean minutes jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make moment pranks.
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
" I love to pamper my wife "
I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot water running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her
A woman had 2 pet rabbits.
When they both died unexpectedly, she decided to get them stuffed so she took them to a taxidermist.
"Would you like them mounted?" the taxidermist asked.
She thought about it for a moment and said, "no, holding hands is fine".
A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call
A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"
Nurse: "A moment please"
After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."
Georgia joke
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife gets n**...
…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my s**... body?'
Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'
So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...
... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time."
God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can labor, and after much exhausting work, he returns to Adam after a week has passed and reveals to him his creation.
Adam is speechless. After much gaping, he finally finds the words to say "God, she is beautiful, she is truly your most perfect creation. I must ask though, what will this cost me, for surely this cannot be free."
God says soberly "My son. I confess, to have a being of such beauty and grace, you must give me an arm and a leg. I can accept no other payment."
Adam weighs this for a moment, and then says, "How much can I get for a rib?"
Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment.
We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jehovah's Witness Came By Yesterday
A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I've put on a p**... of coffee, do you want some? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then motioned toward the kitchen table and we both sat down. We sat and looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. Then I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An young Irish boy
A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, s**... is the last ting on my mind at the moment.
A man goes to audition for an anchor position at a local tv station
A man goes to the television station auditioning for an anchor position.
He sits down in front of the camera and begins, soon it is obvious that he has a terrible stutter, and hisleft eye continuously winks.
The producer says, "Thank you for your audition, we'll let you know."
The man says, "W-w-wait a moment, I c-c-can fix this."
He opens his breifcase, and about 200 condoms fall out, he digs deeper and pulls out a bottle of aspitin.
He take a single aspirin, and then re-reads his copy perfectly, his wink having vanished.
The producer is dumbfounded, and he says, "Thanks fantastic, but what's with the condoms?"
The man says, "This is what they give you if you stutter and wink and ask for aspirin at the pharmacy.
What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?
Two of my favorites are:
1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham
The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...
...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.
Four engineers in a car...
Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."
After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"
Gambling Problem
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Pilot Choice
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
A boy asked his father...
"Dad, what's the difference between confidence, and confidential?"
The father thinks for a moment and says, "You are my son, and that I am confident of. Your friend billy is also my son but that's confidential."
Married mathematicians deciding what to get from the store.
A husband and wife are mathematicians. Husband asks the wife if she needs anything from the store. She looks in the fridge and says she needs eggs.
"How many?" he asks standing right next to her.
She yells, "4!".
He wonders for a moment why she yelled, figures it out and comes back with two dozen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny saw two dogs having s**... in the park...
... so he asks his mother what's going on.
The mom isn't ready to have "that talk" yet, so she makes up a story. "Well, Johnny," she says, "the d**... in the back hurt its front paws, so the one in the front is helping him get home."
Johnny thinks about that for a moment and then says, "Wow, so dogs are just like people, aren't they?"
The mom is puzzled by that. "What do you mean, Johnny?"
"Well," says Johnnie, "you try to help someone and you just end up getting s**...."
A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...
...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.
"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.
"What!? You've got to be..."
She pauses for a moment.
"...Kid-in-me."
----
After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"
The woman says "It was totally birth it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Must be one-of-a-kind...
Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly s**....
"What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?"
"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."
A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...
- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy goes to the doctor
A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.
The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop m**...."
"What? Why?" asks the guy.
"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."
A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...
He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.
The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.
"You were going a little fast there," the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."
The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back."
The officer paused for a moment and said "Have a nice day and drive safe."
The wife
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Egg timer
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
joke
Two friends were walking by when they saw a poster with a joke on it. It said "Are you cold at the moment? Come to the corner, it's 90 degrees."
"Wow," said the first friend. "That's acute joke."
"Eh, not really." said the second friend. "Actually it's all right."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is at his doctor ...
... And the doctor asks the man to pull down his pants and sit on the bench as the doctor examines him.
The doctor says "Don't worry, it's totally normal to get an e**... at this moment".
The man says "But I don't have an e**..." "No but I do" the doctor replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Guy Is In A Waiting Room When..
A guy is in a waiting room and has to f**..., so he waits for the music to get loud and farts to the beat so no one hears him. He looks up for a moment and everyone is staring at him. He takes out his headphones and says "what??"
A blind man walks into a bar
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
The Old Man and his wife
A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"
..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of b**...… guess we're both not going to Syria."
Table manners
Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
If a guy with Red Hair works at a Bakery, does that make him a GingerBread Man?
I ask this because I'm baked at the moment..
There's that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell...
Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A plumber rings the doorbell
"Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy.
"Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late"
"That's fine, my sister must have called for you"
"Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?"
"Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".
An old Jewish man dies.
His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.
He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "Solomon dead, wheelchair for sale".
Great Mystery
Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?"
Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?"
Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Police officers.
Two police officers c**... their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teenage boy goes up to his father
"Father I am not a v**... anymore"
Father: "Wow that's great! Lets sit down and drink something celebrate about this moment"
Son: "Ok, I can drink with you but I can't sit"
A man goes to the dentist for a check-up
"Uh oh" the dentist says, "looks like your denture plate is eroding a bit. Have you been eating any new foods lately?"
The man thinks for a moment and says "you know, my wife has been using a lot of hollandaise sauce lately. She's been putting it on every dish."
"Ah, that explains it" the dentist replies. "We'll have to make you a new denture plate, but this one will need to be made of chrome."
"Chrome?" The man asks in surprise. "Why chrome?"
"Well, you know what they say", replies the dentist.
"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
A man brings home flowers to his wife
A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"
His wife replies "For the flowers of course"
He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"
A Horse Walks into a Bar...
He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Working holiday
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where are you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Imperial Wizard of the k**... was just found dead near a river in Missouri...
Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping w**... in our water.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As I looked at my n**... body in the mirror...
I thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"It's a boy!" I shouted tear rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!"
Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
A man walks into a psychologist's office
The psychologist says, "Tell me about yourself?"
The man replies, "It is my deeply held belief that I am in fact a moth."
The psychologist is a little surprised, but being a professional, he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I am sure I can help you overcome that."
Indignant, the man shoots back, "No way! I love being a moth, thank-you very much!"
"So why on Earth did you come in here?"
"Oh, well I was just passing by and I saw your light on..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my mate if he could get me a job at the t**... factory where he works.
There's no openings at the moment, he said, but I'll see if I can pull some strings.
Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven
At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".
Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".
So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.
I was amazed
As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.
There's an old man on his deathbed...
... sensing his time is near he beckens for his wife to join his side. She sits down next to him and clutches his hand and leans in to hear what he has to say.
In a shakey voice he says: "Maybel, when I die, I want you to marry Jenkins."
Taken back a moment, she looks at her husband and says: "Jenkins?! Why, I thought you hated him!"
The old man cackles and in his last breath he says "AND I STILL DO!"
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I'm concerned with the world news at the moment. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York,
and I was thinking.
"If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere".
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The doctor gave me 5 month to live.
So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.
And the judge gave me 25 years.
Problem solved.
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m**... in the jungle
A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"
Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."
My wife came home yesterday...
and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.
After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"
"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."
The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"
"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you not long ago."
The girl felt her own face and then her granddad's again, thought for a moment and then said, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
That awkward moment when you're having s**... with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"
Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is s**...?"
I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different s**... orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe s**....
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"
A cop pulls over a car with two priests.
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
We'll do it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A man walks up to a woman at a n**... beach...
A man walks up to a woman at a n**... beach.
"Hi, my name is Ed." he says.
"What's it short for?" she asks.
Thoughtful, he looks down a moment, before answering,
"I dunno, it's always been like that."
A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...
when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?
The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the woman saying, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't throw that far."
A pirate walks into a bar...
And it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
