mom Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious mom stories

What are the best Mom puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Mom? Well here is a complete list of Mom dad jokes:

My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

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"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

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Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

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Your mom is so fat

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum

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Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

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The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

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This is 911, what's your emergency? the operator asked.

I masturbate too much, the man replied.

Sir, that's not really a problem, the operator said.

The man shouted, Did you hear that, Mom? Now get off my case.

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What does a pregnant fourteen year old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They're both thinking, Shit, my mom is gonna kill me!

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A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

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I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

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A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

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My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

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My new favorite sex position is called "wow".

It's where I turn your mom upside down.

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A kid asks his dad "What's the difference between realistically and potentially?"

The father responds with "Go ask your siblings and your mother if they would have sex with a celebrity for a million dollars."


The boy asks his mom "Would you have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars?"


The mother responds " While I am a married woman, that is a lot of money. He is also a very attractive man."


The boy asks his sister "Would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"


"Well of course! " she exclaims.


Finally he asks his brother "Would you have sex with Tom Cruise for a million dollars"


And he hums and haws about it "I dunno man, well... That is a lot of money. Yeah alright I'd do it."


When the boy sees his father again the father asks " Did you figure out the difference between potentially and realistically?"


"Yes father, Potentially were sitting on $3,000,000. Realistically were living with two whores and a fag."

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Little Johnny puts a dot on the blackboard (NSFW)

The teacher in her first grade class asks her students to come to the chalkboard and draw something that causes a lot of excitement and commotion. Little Johnny comes up and simply puts a dot on the chalkboard. The teacher asks "what is that?" Little Johnny replies, "it's a period." The teacher says "why does it cause excitement and commotion?" Little Johnny says "it doesn't, but my sister said she missed one this morning and my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the guy next door shot himself"

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For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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Robin Williams' Favorite Joke

Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mom.

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This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom.

He said it was the best trade he's ever made

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Fred and Mary got married

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His Mom replies, 'Ok, tell me what you think?'

He says, 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'
__________________

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birthday card

As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"

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What sexual position makes the ugliest babies?

Ask your mom.

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GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG

 

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.  When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.  "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

 

"What?" said her Grandpa.

 

"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!

 

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What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke

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Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex.....

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

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A little black kid covered himself with baby powder.

A little black kid covered himself with baby powder and ran up to his mom screaming, "Mama, mama! Look, I'm white!". His mom was very upset and gave him a spanking and told him, "Go and tell your auntie what you told me!"
So he ran up to his auntie and said "Auntie, auntie! Look, I'm white!" His auntie got even angrier and belted him, and said "Go and tell your grandmother what you just told me"
So he ran up to his grandmother and said "Grandma, grandma! Look, I'm white". She got even angrier and beat him harder than both his mom and aunt combined.
After she was done, she asked him, "So what have you learned from this?"
And the kid responded, "I've only been white for about ten minutes and I already hate black people".

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One day the youngest son asks his mother, "Mom, why do I look so different from all my siblings?"....

The mother says "Son, from what I remember about that party, you are lucky that you don't bark".

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A bad math joke I came up with

A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able to help. The boy runs over to his uncle but his uncle doesn't have an answer either and just points the boy back to his mother, the boy then knows what is in the sky.







[Because it takes 3 points to define a plane](/spoiler)

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What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

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[NSFW] Anne recently noticed she had hair growing between her legs...

Frantic, she asks her mom what's going on.

Her mother replies, "Don't worry sweetie, the part where the hair grows is called the Monkey. Be proud that your Monkey is growing hair."

The girl sighs in relief, and later at the dinner table she smiled and told her older sister Beth, "I've got hair growing on my Monkey."

The sister laughs and replies back, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

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Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Betty, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

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What do you call an invisible mom that got a sex change?

Transparent

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I like to call my favorite sex position WOW....

It's when I flip your MOM over!

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Having sex with the teacher

Little johnny comes home from school on a friday afternoon and tells his mom he had sex with the teacher. Johnny's mom was very upset with him and sent him to his room with the warning his father would be home soon to discipline him. Johnny's father walks into his room and closes the door behind him. He says " Johnny, don't tell your mother this but I am VERY proud of you, you're just like your old man! First thing tomorrow morning we are going to the store so I can buy you a brand new bicycle" The following morning johnny and his father go to the store and buy a brand new bike. Johnny's father says " Go ahead son, you can ride your bike home I'll be alright walking by myself." Johnny refused to ride the bike and insisted on walking home with his father. Johnny's dad started to get upset thinking his son was ungrateful for the new bike he just bought him. He finally questioned johnny about why he didn't want to ride his bike home and he replied,

"My ass is still sore from having sex with the teacher"

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Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later the second boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later, the oldest boy comes in and the mom says 'Let me guess, you were taking a pee and a beebee came out?' He says 'No, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

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Water Pistol

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''

Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''

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A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."

She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

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Yo momma jokes are old, common and used by everyone.

Just like yo momma.

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A blonde girl in second grade comes home one day really excited with a large grin on her face,

Running to her mother she says, "Mom!! mom! Today the teacher asked what letter comes after S, and i was the first in class to say T! Is it because I'm smarter?" Her mom sighs, "Yes honey."

The very next day she runs home from school and with a large proud smile on her face she tells her mother, "Guess what mom the teacher gave us a sum 12+15 and i got it right, 27! see see?" She says showing her math book. "Is it because i'm smarter than them mom?" Her mom looks down and sighs once more, "Yes dear."

The following day the blond girl half runs all the way home grinning. Breathlessly she goes to her mother, " Mommy we went swimming today and guess what? All the girls had small titties and look! I had these" She promptly lifts her shirt to reveal two whopping perfectly round full size D breasts. "Is it.. is it because i'm smarter mom?" Her mom sighs and looks the other way. "No honey, it's because you're 24."

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I can't make Casey Anthony jokes.

My mom would kill me...

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A kid gets home very distressed...

And says to his mom: "mom someone is calling me crazy at school!!!:
And the mom asks him: "who honey? Who is calling you that?"

"The squirrels! Those goddamn squirrels!!!!"

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A conversation between my mother and my wife.

Wife: Hi mom, I am so happy to see you. How long will you be staying?
Mother-in-Law: As long as you want me to...
Wife: What! you wont even stay for coffee?

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What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".

"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

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Never lie to your Mother

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,

Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?

He said , Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, your son.

Several hours later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love, Mom.

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"Dad, what is politics?"

"Son, if you think of our home as a country, your mom is the congress which makes the rules, I am the executive which runs the day-to-day affairs of the country, you represent the common man, your little brother is the future of the country, and our maid is the labor class"

"Dad, I guess I understood it all last night when the executive was screwing the labor class in the kitchen while the congress was sleeping, common man didn't care about anything and the country's future was crying his heart out"

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A young gay man...

decides to finally reveal his sexual lifestyle to his mother. He sits her down at the dinner table and tells her everything.

Mom sits quietly for a time, and then looks him dead in the eye and asks: "Does this mean you let another man put his penis in your mouth?"

A little unsettled by such a direct question, he stammers; "Uh, well, yes. Yes I do."

She waggles a finger at him and says "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"

Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .

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So my Dad walked in on me making out with my girlfriend

I was naturally very embarrased, as I didn't want my parents to know I had a girlfriend and make a big deal about it. But my Dad said to me, "Don't worry son, I won't tell your mother, this will be our little secret".

The next day I'm eating breakfast with my family. My Mom says to me, "Son, where did that hickey on your neck come from?". In response I say, "This is me and Dad's little secret".

Afterwards, everyone at the table got really quiet.

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When my Mom found out I had asthma she sent me to a camp for Asthmatic children.

It was so much fun.. singing songs around the Humidifire. ( yes I know how I spelt it )

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best mom jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about mom. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty mom gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these mom jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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