Mom And Daughter Jokes

128 mom and daughter jokes and hilarious mom and daughter puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mom and daughter that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Mom And Daughter Short Jokes

Short mom and daughter jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mom and daughter humour may include short dad and daughter jokes also.

  1. Daughter: mom I'm going to a sleepover at jack's Mom: use protection
    daughter: mom I'm 15
    Mom: and I'm 30
  2. Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor joe. Mom: But he could be your father! Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
    Mom: That's not what I was talking about.
  3. My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?" My mom answered "Who?"
    "Your daughter"
    courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago
  4. My friends 10 yo daughter made this up while in the elevator today: "Did you know Darth Vader has another daughter?" Mom: "No, who?"
    Daughter: "Ella, Ella Vader."
  5. Daughter calls her Mom: My boyfriend has dandruff what can i do? Mom: give him head & shoulders.
    2 days later the daughter calls back.
    Daughter: How do i give him shoulders?
  6. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again,I'm coming to live with you." Mom replied, no no my daughter, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you.
  7. A girl wants to do a sleepover at her friend's house. Her mom: you'll be sleeping in different rooms right?
    Daughter: Mom! I'm 12.
    Mother: and I'm 24
  8. I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid. Man, she really wanted a daughter.
  9. Mom: Wear your jeans! There are too many mosquitoes outside. Feminist daughter: Don't teach me what not to wear. Teach the mosquitoes how not to bite.
  10. The 3rd child asked her mother Did you want a daughter or a son when I was born?
    Mom angrily:
    I wanted neither.
    I just wanted a towel from your father while having bath!

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Mom And Daughter One Liners

Which mom and daughter one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mom and daughter? I can suggest the ones about mom and son and father and daughter.

  1. My mom used to tuck me in when I was young She wanted a daughter so bad
  2. My mom used to tuck me in every night. She really wanted a daughter.
  3. When i was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in, She really wanted a daughter.
  4. Daughter Mom am I a mistake? Mom no honey, your dad was a mistake
  5. So the Mom says to her daughter...
  6. How did a mom figure out her daughter had hit puberty? She kept wetting the bed.

Gather Around for Heartwarming Mom And Daughter Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about mom and daughter you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mother daughter jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mom and daughter pranks.

A young woman asked her mom if she could go out for some fries and eat them with friends for 2 hours. Her mom said, "Sure." However, the daughter went to her boyfriends and had s**... with him for 2 hours. When she came back home, her mom asked her how the fries were. The daughter replied, "Nice!" The mom said, "I can tell you enjoyed them; there's still mayonnaise dripping from your face."

Daughter: Mom,does God go to bathroom?
Mom: Why? my child.

Daughter: Today in the morning I heard papa said, "Please God let me go to the bathroom..."

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

A father went to take his daughter from school.

While waiting, he heard her talking with a classmate of hers "I worry so much-..! My dad works 16 hours a day so he can build a dream house for when I grow up. My mom spends her days cooking for me, making deserts and tiding my room so I can have fun. I worry. I’m so worried!"
"With that kind of parents you have nothing to worry about," her friend told her.
"Yeah, but what if... What if they... What if they... ESCAPE?"

A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?"
"The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

A girl married with a man who had only one foot.

Next day her mother rang her and asked: "My little tell me how did U feel the marriage?"
Her daughter replied: "Woo real splendid; alas he has only one foot!"
Her mom answered: "You must be too lucky, when I married your dad; he had only one inch!"

Once a blonde wanted to go to her boyfriend's home.

Her mom advised her: "My sweet whenever your boy friend wanted to touch your pants tell him there is a hot oven so your hand will burn."
Next day her mom asked her daughter: "Had you a good day?"
The blonde answered: "It was the best day in my life because when my boyfriend touched my pants I told him: 'There is a hot oven and your hand would damage!' But he urged me that I've one hot dog and I wanna to cook it for several times he put his hot dog in my pants and then he put it in my mouth for confident whether it has been cooked or not."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are s**...?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're s**.... Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.

They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....
"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.
"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"
So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.
"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.
"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."

A little girl runs up behind us (this really happened)...

...while my GF and I were shopping at Target. The girl was maybe 5 and running from her mom. I made the comment, "Look Honey, a free daughter!" GF's reply was "Raising a child is not free." To which I replied, "Yes, but in this case you get a discount on the labor!"

I met an older woman in a bar last night...

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter t**...,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
' still awake?'

Mom takes her sick daughter to the doctor.

The doctor asks the girl, "How old are you?"
Girl: "I will be 7 in two days."
Doctor: "Aww, look how optimistic we are."
Totally unrelated joke
Son: "Dad, can I cross the street when the red light for pedestrians is on?"
Dad: "Yes, but make sure your arms are up in the air over your head."
Son: "Why is that?"
Dad: "Because it will be easier to t**... shirt in the morgue".

Father Knows Best!

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."

"Mommy, mommy..."

One day a pregnant woman was walking home from work and decided to cut through an alley. A mugger was waiting and said "Give me all your money!" She complied, but then the mugger shot her three times in the stomach. At the hospital the doctors managed to save her and her three babies. Now fast forward 12 years.
"Mommy Mommy, i just peed out a bullet!" said the first daughter.
"Sit down, i will tell you the story..." replied the mother.
the next day the same thing happened with the other daughter.
"Alright sit down, i will tell you the story." said the mom.
3 days later the son comes running up to his mom.
"Mommy mommy" said the boy.
"Let me guess you peed out a bullet?" asked the mom.
"No! I was jacking off and i shot the dog."

Be careful of your aim

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

Mommywas out, and Daddy was in charge

Someone had given their 2 1/2 year old daughter a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mommy came home.
Daddy made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

A little girl comes home from school...

...and approaches her mom. She asks, "Mommy, is it true where boys put their p**... is where babies come from?" The mother is visibly shocked and unprepared to have this discussion with her daughter already. She took a deep breath, and decided to just be honest. "Yes dear, that's true."
"So... does that mean when I have a baby all my teeth are going to fall out?!"

Countryside Perspective

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town," said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad," the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message," said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant.".
The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

A happy family.

Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.
Dad: Who is she?
Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.
Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.
Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.
His mom hugs him affectionately and says,
Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.

Two kids are walking down a dirt path...

a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.
"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother who see her daughter crying.
"What's wrong?" asks the mother. The daughter tells her mother about the situation and when she is done her mother only smiles.
The next day the boy and girl are walking along the same path. The boy notices the girl is smiling even more than he is and demands to know why. The girl, turns to him, pulls up her skirt and says "my mom says as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"

My friend told me this gem the other day

A man walks into a doctor's office with his 8 year-old daughter. Looking at the nurse he asks "Excuse me, miss? I need to see someone about getting my daughter on birth control."
The nurse replies, "My god! Your daughter is s**... active?"
"Nah, she just lays there like her Mom."

A daughter is riding in a car with her elderly mother...

Her mother runs through a red light, and the daughter is concerned her mom may be too old to drive but chooses not to say anything. A few minutes go by, and her mother runs through a second red light. The daughter becomes increasingly worried. As tactfully as possible she asks, "Mom, do you realize you've driven through two red lights just now?" The mother replied, "Oh! Am I driving?"

An elderly couple is taking a Sunday drive on I-80

when the wife gets a call on her new-fangled cell-phone. Her daughter is frantic, "Mom, there is a lunatic driving the wrong way down the road on I-80 near your house!"
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Did you hear that? Some maniac is driving down the wrong side of the road!"
The husband screams, "One lunatic?! There are hundreds of them!"

A daughters asks her mother why her name is Rose

A daughter asks her mom, "Why is my name Rose?"
The Mom replies "because when you were born the wind blew a rose onto your head
The second daughter asks her mom, "Why is my name Lilly?"
The mom replies, "Because when you were born a Lilly fell on your head"
The Last daughter goes up to her mom and goes "Blaoddttuaiweeeioosnsns"
And her mom goes "Shut up Cinderblock"

A woman pregnant with triplets catches three stray bullets from a drive-by shooting.

In the emergency room, a doctor tells her she and her unborn children will be fine but they could not remove the bullets. He informs her all is well and the children, two girls and a boy, will pee the bullets out in around 16 years.
So around the 16th year, the mother is in the kitchen making her morning coffee when one her daughters runs in, frantic and concerned.
"Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"
Her mother tells her there's nothing to worry about and tells her the story.
Then around noon, the mother is in the garden watering some flowers when the other daughter comes outside and says
"Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!" The mother explains everything and goes back to watering.
That night the mother was laying in bed reading when her son burst into her room.
"Mom! Mom! I was-"
"Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
"No, no!" says the son, "I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"

fur coat

daughter tells mom who wears a fur coat
daughter: did you know that your fur coat is a result of suffering of an animal?
mom: you shouldn't talk about your dad that way

A mother and son were washing dishes while...

...the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room.
Suddenly, there was a c**... of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom."
"How do you know?"
"She didn't say anything."

The daughter of the house walks over to her mom and asks:

"Mom. Why is my name Leaf?"
Her mother answers:
"Well, that is because when you were a new born, a leaf landed on your head."
Later the oldest son asks:
"Mom. Why is my name Feather?"
"That is because when you were a new born, a feather landed on your head." The mother answers
Lastly the youngest son walks up to his mother and says: "Ihlaadskleblaødertmakusigalabongilahaudershirp!!"
The mother says: "Please be quiet, refrigerator"

Her mother tried to warn her

Mrs Napolitano was not at all happy about her only daughter marrying a Greek fellow, particularly since she was only sixteen and hadn't dated anyone else, like some of the nice Italian fellows in the neighborhood.
But her daugher was in love with the guy, so what could she do?
So she gave her daughter her blessing and one warning: "If you're in bed with him, and he asks you to turn over, DON'T!". And the daughter promised she would remember, and NEVER turn over.
So fast forward about three months into the happy marriage and the couple are canoodling in bed when the husband says: "Honey, why don't you turn over now?"
But Mrs. Napolitano's daughter remembers her Mom's warning and says quite firmly "NO! I don't want to!"
Whereupon the husband says "I don't understand, honey - don't you want to have a baby?"

So, the 7 year-old daughter is talking with her mom...

"Mom, today at school during break, Jason and I played doctor!" she says excitedly.
"Oh dear" the mother answers, fearing the worst "what did you two do?"
"Oh, not much, he made me wait forty-five minutes and then double billed the insurance company."

Kids say the darndest things

An old man is sitting in his chair watching the game when his 6yr old grand-daughter sits on his lap, begging him to talk like a frog. "Why do you want me to talk like a frog?", the grand-father asks. "Mom says we can all go to Disneyland when you croak.

A mom walks in on her daughter getting it on on the couch with a boy.

"Well, I never!" the mother huffed.
"But mom," the daughter protested. "You must have!"

Son told his dad he loves the girl next door

"Son, you can't love her. She's my secret daughter with another wife."
"But dad, what about the other girl next next door?"
"Sorry, son. She's also my secret daughter with the other wife."
Son walks away with tears in his eyes after knowing the truth. Mom heard it all and approaches to him
"Honey, you can love the girls next door if you want to. You're not your dad's son anyway."

Having a t**... with a mom and daughter

So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to mind that if she looks so hot for her age then she must be having a hot looking daughter as well and wish I could have a t**... with them. So I went to her table and asked her if I could join and to my delight she said yes. I chatted her up and next thing I know we caught a taxi and proceeded to her home. In the taxi I told her about my fantasy of having a t**... with a mother daughter combo and to my delight she felt it was a great idea and so we reached her home and as we entered she let out a shout,"Mom you still awake?"

A 22-year-old man and a 57-year-old woman get to know each other in a bar

Even tho the big age gap, they like each other. Later the night, she whispers into his ear "Do you want to have s**... with a mother and a daughter at the same time?" Of course he agreed and when they walked home, he felt like the most luckiest person on earth. When they arrived at her place she opened the door and shouted: "Are you still awake, mom?"

Girl wants a barbie.

One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store. The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.
The little girl said, "I want GI Joe and Barbie."
The mother smiled and said, "Darling, you know Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe."
The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, "Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She just FAKES it with Ken."

A mom buys an old parrot from a w**.....

A mom buys an old parrot in a w**... and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.
As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.
Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.
Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"

Three Daughters

One day a girl comes up to her mom and asks her, "Mother, why did you name me Rose?"
"Because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."
Her second daughter comes up to her and asks, "Mother, why did you name me Daisy?"
"Because when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The third daughter comes up to her and asks, "GHLSARGHLARGHLARG."
"What did you say Brick?"

A chinese tiger mom asks her daughter a question about her future: Erizabeth, you stirr want to be a doctoh right?

Her daughter replies: No, actuary...

My mom's daughter said it looked like my foot was making a copy of itself

I told her that's mitosis

Why does Anna's mom encourage her daughter to experiment with sexuality?

Because she lives bicuriously through others .

An irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a p**....

her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a p**..." then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

I met an older woman in a bar last night...

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter t**...,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ' still awake?'

My 8 year old son made me laugh with a dad joke...

We were trying to decide where to eat, I offered up Buffalo Wild Wings, but my son and daughter were being indecisive. I finally said ok guys, make up your mind My son replied with a c**... grin "C'mon Mom we'll just wing it"...he then burst into laughter for five minutes....his fathers humor is really rubbing off on him.

A little girl gets on the bus with her mom...

A little girl gets on the bus with her mom…
The mom pays a single adult cash fare.
The driver asks her "How old is your daughter?"
-- She's 5, answers the mother.
Now, turning to the little girl, the driver asks
-- And when will you turn 6, sweetie?
-- As soon as we get off the bus.

A woman's three daughters are going out on dates...

"What are your date plans?", the mother asks the daughters.
"I'm going out with Pete; we are going to eat" says the first daughter.
"Great! have fun" says the mom
"I'm going with Lance. We are going to dance" says the second daughter.
"Have a ball!" says the mother
"I'm going out with Chuck" says the third daughter
"NO YOU'RE NOT" yells the mother

A blonde walks up to her blonde mom...

and asks,
"Mom, why does everyone think we are s**...?"
Her mum chuckles and says
"Bring me a p**..."
A bit confused, the daughter goes and grabs a p**... from the kitchen and hands it to her mom. Soon after the mother starts knocking on the p**....
The daughter turns to the door and says,
"Mom! Someone is at the door!"
The mom chuckles and says,
"See, this is why people think Blondes are s**......
now hold this p**... so I can go answer the door."
*Edit* Changed gender of daughter back, sorry tumblr.

Three mothers see a psychologist

They've brought their kids with them. The psychologist says, "It looks like you all have obsessions, and you've named your children after them."
He says to the first mother, "You have an obsession with cars, which is why you named your daughter Mercedes"
He moves onto the second mom, "Your obsession is money. Your child's name is Penny, which reflects that."
Finally he turns to the third mother. "At first I was puzzled by your choice, but I realized it was so simple. Because another name for..."
She then stands up, bolts out of the room as fast as she could, "LET'S GO RICHARD WE'RE LEAVING!"

Today, my daughter came to me and told me...

"Dad, we learned in school that children inherit their intelligence from their mothers."
I said: "Of course you got your intelligence from mom. Because I still have mine".

Two moms were talking about their kids in college.

Mom 1: I'm worried about my son. He asks me for money everyday. Who knows what he is spending?
Mom 2: Thats nothing. I'm more worried about my daughter, who never asked me for any money at all.

A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...

The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter s**... active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"

Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend........

Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.
When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"
"Why is that?" her mom asked.
"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"He's the original owner mom!"

My mom said if I get ten thousand upvotes she will tuck me in

Come on. She really wants a daughter.

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the gut.

They rush her to the hospital and everything turns out ok. The babies are all fine.
12 years later one of her daughters comes to her worried "mom mom mom i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats strange." Says the mom.
A few days after that her other daughter rushes up "MOM MOM MOM i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats really strange" says the mom.
A few more weeks pass without issue, then her son comes up to her "MOM MOM MOM" she cuts him off "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out."

Daughter's Dance Class

Apparently, it's not acceptable to ask a mom if her daughter's dance class has horizontal or vertical brass poles.

Girl made $20 climbing a tree

A girl was excited that she made $20 climbing a tree, so she had to tell her mom. The mom said "Honey they just wanted to see your p**...!" To which the daughter responded with "I was smart! I took them off."

During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle
Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.
Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?

A mom and her daugter (christmas)

Daughter: "Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?

Mom: "No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!

A girl married a man who only had one foot…

The next day, her mother called her and asked, "My dear, what do you think about marriage?"
Her daughter replied, "Oh, it's real splendid, even though he only has one foot!"
Her mom cackled, "You're so lucky! When I married your dad, he only had one inch!"

A girl gets home from school and is greetrd by her mother

Mom: "What'd you do in school today?"
Daughter: "We learned all about the male reproductive organs"
Mom: "Oh, and what else?"
Daughter: "Well then we watched as the police came and took Mr. Brown away"

Three moms are talking and having lunch together...

One mom had black hair, the next was brunette, and the third was blonde.
The black haired mom says "You guys won't believe what I found in my daughters room yesterday. A cigarette! I've never even smoked."
The brunette mom says "You won't believe what I found in *my* daughters room yesterday. Whiskey! I've never even drank."
The blonde mom says "Well guess what I found in *my* daughters room yesterday. A c**...! I've never even had s**... before."

A mother finds out she has cancer

A mother and daughter visit the doctor to get the results of the mom's pap-smear.
"It's stage-4 cervical cancer. You have 1 month left", the doctor says.
The mother is devastated. She gathers all her girlfriends for one last brunch.
At the brunch she announces, "Bad news, the doctor said I have 1 month to live. I have AIDS."
Her friends are shocked. They offer their condolences and hurriedly depart.
"But mom", the daughter protests "You have cancer. Why did you tell them you have AIDS?"
Mom replies, "Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father."

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"

Met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo? I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight is my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom, you still awake?"

A woman is taking a bath with her daughter

The daughter looks down and asks her mom, what's that?
The mother replies, oh that's just my sponge
And the daughter says, oh! The baby sitter has one too and daddy's always washing his face with it

I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked olay for a 57 year old.

We drank a bit and talked a while and she asked if I had ever had a Sportman's Double
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter t**...", she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says tonight's my lucky night.
We went back to her place.
She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

7 year old daughter was looking at mom's driving licence and saw s**...:F and started laughing

She then said you must. be so bad at s**... to get an F no wonder dad's with the maid all the time

My dream is to marry into a family of lawyers,

Open a law firm with my husbands mom, and call it Mother and daughter in law

I'm so proud of my kids.

My daughter is beautiful and intelligent, just like her Mom.
And my son is good looking and funny, just like the mail man.

One morning, a little girl goes into the living room and asks her mother...

"Why did you name me Rose, mom?"
Mom says, "As we we leaving the hospital after you were born, a rose petal fell on your head. So we named you Rose."
The daughter says, "Is that why my little brother is named Leaf and little sister is named Rain?"
"Yes," Mom says. "Exactly."
A fourth child pipes up from beside them. "DARGLE BUBPHHH BIBI MMMMOOMOOO!"
"Quiet, Brick!" Mom says.

Mother Daughter t**...

My friend Ethan recently met a beautiful woman at a bar. Ethan is 22. She's 57. He's never been with a much older woman, but he thinks hey, why not, she's hot. They drink and flirt all night. Suddenly she asks Ethan if he's ever had a mother and daughter t**.... He says no.
They drink a bit more, then the woman says, Tonight's your lucky night! Ethan is stoked. If the older woman is a babe he can only imagine what the daughter looks like. They go back to her place. She puts the hall light on and shouts upstairs:
Mom, you awake?

A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.

Rose asks her mother, Mom, why did you name me Rose?
To which her mother replies, Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!
Lily, curious now, asks her mother Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?
To which her mother replies, Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!
Cinderblock says to her mother, hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??!

South Asian Paradox

Daughter: Mom, why don't you let me talk with boys?
Mother: You'll get it when you'll become a mother.
Daughter: How will I become a mother if you don't let me talk with boys?

jokes about mom and daughter