Mom And Daughter Jokes

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

Once a blonde wanted to go to her boyfriend's home.

Her mom advised her: "My sweet whenever your boy friend wanted to touch your pants tell him there is a hot oven so your hand will burn."
Next day her mom asked her daughter: "Had you a good day?"
The blonde answered: "It was the best day in my life because when my boyfriend touched my pants I told him: 'There is a hot oven and your hand would damage!' But he urged me that I've one hot dog and I wanna to cook it for several times he put his hot dog in my pants and then he put it in my mouth for confident whether it has been cooked or not."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.

They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....
"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.
"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"
So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.
"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.
"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."

I met an older woman in a bar last night...

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter t**...,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?'

Mom takes her sick daughter to the doctor.

The doctor asks the girl, "How old are you?"
Girl: "I will be 7 in two days."
Doctor: "Aww, look how optimistic we are."
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Totally unrelated joke
Son: "Dad, can I cross the street when the red light for pedestrians is on?"
Dad: "Yes, but make sure your arms are up in the air over your head."
Son: "Why is that?"
Dad: "Because it will be easier to t**... shirt in the morgue".

Father Knows Best!

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."

"Mommy, mommy..."

One day a pregnant woman was walking home from work and decided to cut through an alley. A mugger was waiting and said "Give me all your money!" She complied, but then the mugger shot her three times in the stomach. At the hospital the doctors managed to save her and her three babies. Now fast forward 12 years.
"Mommy Mommy, i just peed out a bullet!" said the first daughter.
"Sit down, i will tell you the story..." replied the mother.
the next day the same thing happened with the other daughter.
"Alright sit down, i will tell you the story." said the mom.
3 days later the son comes running up to his mom.
"Mommy mommy" said the boy.
"Let me guess you peed out a bullet?" asked the mom.
"No! I was jacking off and i shot the dog."

Be careful of your aim

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

Mommywas out, and Daddy was in charge

Someone had given their 2 1/2 year old daughter a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mommy came home.
Daddy made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Countryside Perspective

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town," said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad," the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message," said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant.".
The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

A happy family.

Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.
Dad: Who is she?
Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.
Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.
Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.
His mom hugs him affectionately and says,
Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.

Two kids are walking down a dirt path...

a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.
"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother who see her daughter crying.
"What's wrong?" asks the mother. The daughter tells her mother about the situation and when she is done her mother only smiles.
The next day the boy and girl are walking along the same path. The boy notices the girl is smiling even more than he is and demands to know why. The girl, turns to him, pulls up her skirt and says "my mom says as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"

A woman pregnant with triplets catches three stray bullets from a drive-by shooting.

In the emergency room, a doctor tells her she and her unborn children will be fine but they could not remove the bullets. He informs her all is well and the children, two girls and a boy, will pee the bullets out in around 16 years.
So around the 16th year, the mother is in the kitchen making her morning coffee when one her daughters runs in, frantic and concerned.
"Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"
Her mother tells her there's nothing to worry about and tells her the story.
Then around noon, the mother is in the garden watering some flowers when the other daughter comes outside and says
"Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!" The mother explains everything and goes back to watering.
That night the mother was laying in bed reading when her son burst into her room.
"Mom! Mom! I was-"
"Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
"No, no!" says the son, "I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"

The daughter of the house walks over to her mom and asks:

"Mom. Why is my name Leaf?"
Her mother answers:
"Well, that is because when you were a new born, a leaf landed on your head."
Later the oldest son asks:
"Mom. Why is my name Feather?"
"That is because when you were a new born, a feather landed on your head." The mother answers
Lastly the youngest son walks up to his mother and says: "Ihlaadskleblaødertmakusigalabongilahaudershirp!!"
The mother says: "Please be quiet, refrigerator"

Her mother tried to warn her

Mrs Napolitano was not at all happy about her only daughter marrying a Greek fellow, particularly since she was only sixteen and hadn't dated anyone else, like some of the nice Italian fellows in the neighborhood.
But her daugher was in love with the guy, so what could she do?
So she gave her daughter her blessing and one warning: "If you're in bed with him, and he asks you to turn over, DON'T!". And the daughter promised she would remember, and NEVER turn over.
So fast forward about three months into the happy marriage and the couple are canoodling in bed when the husband says: "Honey, why don't you turn over now?"
But Mrs. Napolitano's daughter remembers her Mom's warning and says quite firmly "NO! I don't want to!"
Whereupon the husband says "I don't understand, honey - don't you want to have a baby?"

Having a t**... with a mom and daughter

So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to mind that if she looks so hot for her age then she must be having a hot looking daughter as well and wish I could have a t**... with them. So I went to her table and asked her if I could join and to my delight she said yes. I chatted her up and next thing I know we caught a taxi and proceeded to her home. In the taxi I told her about my fantasy of having a t**... with a mother daughter combo and to my delight she felt it was a great idea and so we reached her home and as we entered she let out a shout,"Mom you still awake?"

A mom buys an old parrot from a w**.....

A mom buys an old parrot in a w**... and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.
As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.
Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.
Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"

Three Daughters

One day a girl comes up to her mom and asks her, "Mother, why did you name me Rose?"
"Because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."
Her second daughter comes up to her and asks, "Mother, why did you name me Daisy?"
"Because when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The third daughter comes up to her and asks, "GHLSARGHLARGHLARG."
"What did you say Brick?"

I met an older woman in a bar last night...

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter t**...,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

A little girl gets on the bus with her mom...

A little girl gets on the bus with her mom…
The mom pays a single adult cash fare.
The driver asks her "How old is your daughter?"
-- She's 5, answers the mother.
Now, turning to the little girl, the driver asks
-- And when will you turn 6, sweetie?
-- As soon as we get off the bus.

A woman's three daughters are going out on dates...

"What are your date plans?", the mother asks the daughters.
"I'm going out with Pete; we are going to eat" says the first daughter.
"Great! have fun" says the mom
"I'm going with Lance. We are going to dance" says the second daughter.
"Have a ball!" says the mother
"I'm going out with Chuck" says the third daughter
"NO YOU'RE NOT" yells the mother

A blonde walks up to her blonde mom...

and asks,
"Mom, why does everyone think we are s**...?"
Her mum chuckles and says
"Bring me a p**..."
A bit confused, the daughter goes and grabs a p**... from the kitchen and hands it to her mom. Soon after the mother starts knocking on the p**....
The daughter turns to the door and says,
"Mom! Someone is at the door!"
The mom chuckles and says,
"See, this is why people think Blondes are s**......
now hold this p**... so I can go answer the door."
*Edit* Changed gender of daughter back, sorry tumblr.

Three mothers see a psychologist

They've brought their kids with them. The psychologist says, "It looks like you all have obsessions, and you've named your children after them."
He says to the first mother, "You have an obsession with cars, which is why you named your daughter Mercedes"
He moves onto the second mom, "Your obsession is money. Your child's name is Penny, which reflects that."
Finally he turns to the third mother. "At first I was puzzled by your choice, but I realized it was so simple. Because another name for..."
She then stands up, bolts out of the room as fast as she could, "LET'S GO RICHARD WE'RE LEAVING!"

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the gut.

They rush her to the hospital and everything turns out ok. The babies are all fine.
12 years later one of her daughters comes to her worried "mom mom mom i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats strange." Says the mom.
A few days after that her other daughter rushes up "MOM MOM MOM i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats really strange" says the mom.
A few more weeks pass without issue, then her son comes up to her "MOM MOM MOM" she cuts him off "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out."
"NO! I WAS JACKING OFF AND I SHOT THE DOG!"

A mother finds out she has cancer

A mother and daughter visit the doctor to get the results of the mom's pap-smear.
"It's stage-4 cervical cancer. You have 1 month left", the doctor says.
The mother is devastated. She gathers all her girlfriends for one last brunch.
At the brunch she announces, "Bad news, the doctor said I have 1 month to live. I have AIDS."
Her friends are shocked. They offer their condolences and hurriedly depart.
"But mom", the daughter protests "You have cancer. Why did you tell them you have AIDS?"
Mom replies, "Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father."

I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked olay for a 57 year old.

We drank a bit and talked a while and she asked if I had ever had a Sportman's Double
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter t**...", she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says tonight's my lucky night.
We went back to her place.
She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

One morning, a little girl goes into the living room and asks her mother...

"Why did you name me Rose, mom?"
Mom says, "As we we leaving the hospital after you were born, a rose petal fell on your head. So we named you Rose."
The daughter says, "Is that why my little brother is named Leaf and little sister is named Rain?"
"Yes," Mom says. "Exactly."
A fourth child pipes up from beside them. "DARGLE BUBPHHH BIBI MMMMOOMOOO!"
"Quiet, Brick!" Mom says.