Mom And Dad Jokes

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.
Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."
So I took off her skirt.
Then she says, "Take off my bra and p**......"
So I took off her bra and p**....
Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids

The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.

This no kidding came from my 10 y/o today from his class. 5th Grade

Student #1: was acting rude and obnoxious toward other students in class
My kiddo: "Stop acting rude"
Student #1: "Make me"
Student #2 (a friend of my kiddo): "Your Mom and Dad already made that mistake."

My dad's take on 35 years of marriage.

Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"
Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."
Mom: "Awww!"
Dad: "...Underwater."

Little Johnny catches his mom and dad...

Mom and dad are having s**... when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"

The cake is a lie.

A little boy caught his mom and dad having s**.... After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?"
The mom quickly replied, "We were baking a cake."
A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake again?"
Surprised, she said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

Visitors

Two children are lying in their beds when one says to the other: "I think mom and dad have visitors over."
The other one asks: "Why do you think that?"
The first one replies: "Mom's laughing at dad's jokes."

My step-sister walked into my room one day and

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."
So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and p**......"

So I took off her bra and p**....

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school .

A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school .
Teacher : Whats your name ?
Boy : Zain.
Teacher : No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today. Boy went home and his mother asked: How was the day Zain?
Boy : I am an American now, so call me Johnny. Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised .
Teacher : What happened Johnny ?
Boy: Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists.

Young man goes off to university

A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"
The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."

Kid comes home from first day of school.

Kid comes home from first day of school and mom and dad asked him what he learned in a school today.
The little boy responds, "not enough I guess.. they want me to come back tomorrow."

There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole

The first mole, daddy mole, wakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out and says, "Mmmmm...I smell bacon!"
Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out and says, "Mmmmm....I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up, but gets stuck behind his mom and dad. He takes a big whiff and says, "All I can smell is molasses!"

A college student writes a letter to his parents back home.

Dear Mom and Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi$$ you guy$!
Love, Your $on
They reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Mom and Dad

Growing up as the youngest in my family, I constantly got beat up by the two oldest

mom and dad

Little Timmy and his father are walking in the park

Little Timmy and his father are walking in the park. Timmy sees two dogs h**..., and says, "Dad, what are they doing?" His father looks and says, "Oh, they're making a puppy."
Later that night, Timmy walks into his parents' room and sees mom and dad going at it, and says "Dad, what are you doing??" His Dad says, "Oh, we're making you a baby brother." Timmy says, "Well flip her over, I'd rather have a puppy"

When I was 8, I had a friend who was raised by atheists.

He once told me, I don't know where Adam and Eve is...
Are, I corrected. And they're in heaven.
I don't know where Adam and Eve are, he corrected. But my mom and dad sure do shop there often.

A Chinese couple have a baby.

After the birth, the nurse brings the baby around so that the proud mom and dad can see it for the first time. When the nurse passes the baby to the mother, the parents notice that the baby is Caucasian. "Not our baby!" the father protests. The nurse says, "Of course this is your baby, your wife just gave birth." The father says, "No not our baby. Two Wongs don't make a white."

I can't seem to be able to see my mom and dad since they switched gender...

... it's like they've become transparent.

A 5 y.o. kid saw his mom and dad having s**....

Kid: Mommy, what are you doing bouncing up and down on top of daddy?
Mommy: Oh, I was just trying to deflate your daddy's tummy!
Kid: Was it because my baby sitter inflated it yesterday?

Where do Chinese babies come from?

VaChina.

Mom and Dad, if you're reading this, I'm so sorry.

A sports joke that can be changed to whatever your favorite sport rivalry is.

On the first day of school, a teacher tells her students that she is a Chargers fan.  She asks her students to raise their hands if they are a Chargers fan, too.  Everyone in the class raised their hand except one little girl.  The little girl said "I am a Raiders fan".
The teacher asked why she is a Raiders fan.  She responded by saying "My mom and dad are Raiders fans".  "Well," said the teacher, "what if your mom and dad are idiots, then what would you be?".  The little girl smiled and said, "then I'd be a Chargers fan."

A boy needed to p**...

A young boy tells his mother, "Mom! I need to p**...!"
The mother didn't like her boy's use of language and responded, "Don't say that. Say you want to sing instead."
The next day the boy is visiting a family party along with his grandma, when the boy's mom and dad go to dance he tells his grandma, "Grandma! i need to sing!"
The grandma responds, "Well sing into one of grandmas ears dear!"

Mom and Dad

My mom and dad are fighting again. My mom yelled, Have you been drinking again? You promised me to try to be a different man!!
My dad always has a witty reply. He said, I am trying, but the other man is a drinker too.

Jack walks up to his teacher and asks...

Jack: Can you eat lightbulbs?
Teacher: No, why?
Jack: Because last night when I went to bed I heard my mom and dad. My dad says to my mom: "shut off the light, you're gonna eat the whole thing"

Hi. I am here. First post, go easy on me.

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

As the youngest kid I often got beat by the two oldest.

Mom and Dad.

A child walks up to their parents and asks

A child walks up to their parents and asks hey, mom and dad. Why did you name me Petal?
The parents smile and reply, When we got you home, a petal from a flower in the garden fell on your forehead . The child satisfied with the answer walked away.
The younger sibling came up and asked the same question.
Darling, we named you Droplet because when you got you out of a hospital, a rain drop fell on you head. Hence, Droplet , the parents replied.
Gharwaalalalaajahaha!!!! said the youngest child.
Oh shut up Refrigerator, don't be mean! the father yelled

My mom and dad run an Iron&Steel business.

My mom irons and my dad steals.

Two siblings, a boy and a girl opens their Christmas presents

The boy received a football hat while the girl received a wonderful gold necklace.
The next year, the boy received a puzzle and the girl received an new wardrobe full of clothes.
And the next year again, the boy finds out he got a cheap chinese phone while his sister received an iPhone X.
So this year, after the opening, the girl says: "Haha! mom and dad loves me more!"
The boy replies: "Haha! I don't have a tumor"

I wanna make a joke about my mom and dad being "gender neutral"

But it seems too transparent

Child ask Mom and Dad...

Why are you Guys White and I'm Black ?
-
-
-
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It was a wild o**..., be grateful you are not Barking.

What do Bernie supporters call their roommates?

Mom and Dad.
What do Hillary supporters call their roommates?
Orderly

My mom and dad insist that i pay them for letting me stay in their basement

I guess thats why they're called PAYRENTS

My Mom and Dad are really weird

My mom dresses up like my dad and my dad dresses up like my mom.
They're transparent.

My mom and dad were both ladders.

Things were pretty great until they got divorced. It was rough at first until they both remarried and I got two new step ladders.

My mom and dad walked into a bar

Then they dragged me out by my ear and confiscated my fake ID.

My friend's Mom and Dad are really fat...

He told me it runs in the family.
Nice try, but no one runs in your family

I assume my mom and dad met at church...

I mean, they always call each other brother and sister.

A ghost could probably be both your mom and dad

It's so transparent!

It must be hard to have a mom and dad who are both midgets.

they're always really short with eachother

How do you make a perfect joke?

I don't know. Go ask your mom and dad how did they do it.

I tried to date this girl from Alabama, but her whole family was way too racist.

Her sister, her aunt, her brother, her uncle, and her mom and dad.
All four of them are just nuts.

Did you know that in Australia they don't call their parents mom and dad...

...they call them wow and pep.

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a n**... picture of myself to everyone in my address book ...

My mom and dad must be horrified.

Delicious goat.

Mom and Dad invited Aunt Edna over for dinner. Mom was cooking while Dad set the table, and Aunt Edna asked Timmy what they were having for dinner.
"Fish," said Timmy.
"Hmf," said Aunt Edna. "I don't approve of foods that have spent their previous lives immersed in salt. Are you quite sure?"
"Yep." Timmy shrugged. "Dad said to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old trout for dinner.'"

A boy walks in on his mom and dad having s**.... He asks, "What are you doing?" The dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!" The boy says, "Well, do her d**... I want a puppy."

A little boy caught his mom and dad having s**.... After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

A joke my cousin sister told me when I was 9.

For 12 years Maya was the only child. She was coddled and adored by her mom and dad who gave her all the attention. So when her little sister was born, and she began to recieve less attention, she grew resentful.
She hated her little baby sister and wanted her dead. So while watching her mother breast-feed the baby, she hatched a plan.
That night, while her parents slept, she sneaked into their room and rubbed poison on her mother's n**....
When she woke the next day, she found out her dad had died.

Poker

So this kid he walks into the bar and he see's his grandma and grandpa having s**....
Kid: "Hey grandpa, what are you doing to grandma."
Grandpa: "Well, I'm playing poker and here you're grandma is my wild card.
Two days later, he walked into his mom and dad having s**..., he forgot by now.
Kid: "Hey daddy, what are you doing to mommy"
Dad: "Well, I'm playing poker and you're mom is my wild card."
Later on that night he was in the shower.
His mom heard so b**... so she wondered what he was doing.
Mom: "What are you doing?"
Kid: "I'm playing poker"
Mom: "Who's you're wild card"
Kid: "You don't need a wild card if you got a good hand."

Mom and dad? I identify as

A b**... groaning zombie in the morning. Oh yea, I'm trans to.

A student writes her parent's, "Deare$t Mom and Dad,

college i$ going well. I am making many friend$ and learning lot$. But $omething i$ mi$$ing, I ju$t wi$h I knew what it wa$. Anyway$, be$t wi$hes and I'll talk to you again $oon.
Her parents respond,
Dearest Daughter,
NOthing makes us happier than kNOwing you're doing well. We NOtice all the hard work and commitment you have put into your studies and it is definitely NOteworthy. We just wanted to ackNOwledge your accomplishments. Thank you for your letter and we love you.

What do you call a mom and dad that like to cross dress?

Trans-parent

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon q**... with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt is riding a new bike and the Coopers are having s**...." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

I'd like to thank not only my mom and dad ...

But my parents

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.