Modern Day Jokes
49 modern day jokes and hilarious modern day puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about modern day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Modern Day Short Jokes
Short modern day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The modern day humour may include short nowadays jokes also.
- What a modern day thing you think will kill a victorian era child? I think a single sip of Four Loko wipe them out !
- It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology. My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.
- So I went to this job interview the other day... Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
me: preferably with words, but I've also prepared a modern dance! - I went to a museum of modern art the other day and saw a cone statue. I really enjoyed it and would have liked to prolong my visit, but it was truncated.
- Back in the day, pens could only be used once before you threw them away The invention of the modern pen is truly remarkable
- Renovation of Big Ben has started After the modernization, the famous clock will be beat five times a day, calling the faithful to prayer.
- How many Trump spokesmen does it take to change a lightbulb? There is no need to fix the light. Darkness is modern day presidential.
- The "politically correct" culture has ruined the modern vernacular. The other day, I asked a girl of she wanted to go back to my place and have gender.
- My mom sent me sweets, but I'm on diet, so I eat all of them in one day and be on diet whole month [Modern problem require Modern Solution]
- Modern day American gangs try and make out how mad and dangerous they are. But don't forget, those British twin gangsters from the 60s were Kray-Kray.
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Modern Day One Liners
Which modern day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with modern day? I can suggest the ones about present time and modern.
- Modern day bullies be like: "Nice gender, did your mommy pick it out for you???"
- How does the modern-day james bond prefer his women? Shaven, not furred
- If Jesus Christ came in the modern day, what would his favorite gun be? Nail gun
- I think I just figured out the name of the modern day Thieves Guild. EA
- What do modern-day witches ride? Vacuum cleaners
- What do modern day witches do? Own a Micro-brewery.
I'll see myself out... - I'm a modern day pirate So where do I learn my Somali at
- What's the scariest thing as a modern day doctor? Flying united.
- Q: What do you call the modern day tai ping rebellion? A: The typing rebellion!
- Where do modern-day pirates come from? Somaaaaaarlia
- What do native American and modern day American society have in common? Navaho lot.
Modern Day Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about modern day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean 21st century jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make modern day pranks.
Girl, are you a modern day savings account because I keep investing money in you but I'm not getting much interest.
Originally an Arabic joke!
A small town had one pharmacy until another opened across from the old one. A guy walks in the new pharmacy and asks the pharmacists for some Aspirin the pharmacist hands him one giant tablet, the man asks, How is this supposed to help? It's not gonna kill me? The pharmacist says Oh no, you see, we follow a modern approach to healing, you just have to take this entire tablet one time and you will be ok. The man pays the Pharmacist goes home and force the giant tablet down his t**... and notices that it's acting fast! The same man comes back another time with a terrible cough and asks for a cough medicine. The pharmacist hands him a gallon size cough syrup bottle and says Drink the whole thing at once and you will be fine! the man thanks the pharmacist and follows his exact instruction, the cough goes away. On another day the pharmacist is standing outside his pharmacy when he sees the same man sneaking in and out the other pharmacy. The guy comes back weeks later asking for band aids the pharmacist refuses to sell him any of his giant ones and says You know I saw you going into the other pharmacy. I thought you are becoming a loyal client of mine! The man responses and says, Don't get me wrong sir, I am a loyal customer. I just needed some adult suppositories.
Philosophy 112, or the joke that I just told in a dream and have to write down for posterity
Take this guy, Bob. He's coming into his early 40s, and goes into a midlife crisis. He tells his wife he wants to go back to school and study all the stuff he never got to when he was working so hard as a kid. She's fully supportive, feeling there are worse things he could be doing in this phase of his life, and they get him enrolled at a local university.
Bob starts taking random b**... classes. His first semester he takes Archaeology 101, Sociology 102, and his favorite, Philosophy 112: History of early modern philosophy. He starts learning about all the great thinkers who laid the groundwork for all of our thinking today, and he just falls in love with it. Doesn't care he's surrounded by 18 year olds for six hours a week, he just dives right in.
One day, his buddy Jim calls him up to talk. Jim's also going through a midlife crisis. He's doing a much more destructive path, however. He calls Bob up and tells him he knows of an excellent e**... service. He says they should take a "business trip," have a little fun, the wife doesn't need to know.
Bob thinks about it, and says, "No, I've got a huge philosophy paper due in a couple days and I should work on that."
Jim looks at him like he's insane, calls him a p**..., and storms away. But Bob is confident.
Bob knows that sometimes, it's good to put Descartes before the w**....
Thought I'd share a favorite on my cake day
Gandhi used to walk barefoot on most days, neglecting modern footwear, and eventually grew a strong set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather weak and with his odd diet, suffered from very, very bad breath. To others he smelled atrocious, this super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work...
He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again and chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 2 hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close and lops off his head. Bob puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 3 hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room. He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it." Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have samed him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
How stock markets work!
It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'
This is how stock markets work!
The teenage granddaughter...
..... comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your r**... show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your r**..., then I can display my hanging baskets."
The Lawyer and the Mexican
A lawyer and a Mexican live next to eachother in the most cookie-cutter neighborhood you can imagine.
One day, they're both mowing the frontlawn. The Mexican says:
"You know, my house is worth more than yours."
The lawyer is confused. He responds:
"How? Our houses are identical. Did you renovate the interior?"
"No."
"Did you modernize the kitchen or the bathroom?"
"I didn't."
"Then how can your house be worth more than mine?!", the lawyer cries.
"Well, I live next to a lawyer, and you live next to a Mexican."
The teenage granddaughter
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your r**... show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your r**..., then I can display my hanging baskets.
I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.
And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us n**... to shoot again.
What is s**...?
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's s**...?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
In my job, I'm surrounded by f**..., rats and v**... all day long.
I hate working in a modern art gallery.
The pastor states, Everything in modern day life is explained in the Bible.
Everyone in the congregation is trying to stump the preacher. Finally someone yells out, What about p**...? A hush grows through the church. The pastor answered, That's easy. And Mary rode Joseph's a**... all the way to Bethlehem!
One day two friends decided to brush up their English.
One says "i will ask you the antonyms of some words".
The other agreed.
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'Always'
Friend 2 : Never
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'Stop' said in a modern way
Friend 2 : Gonna
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'take'
Friend 2 : Give
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'me'
Friend 2 : You
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'Down'
Friend 2 : Up
Two older male dolphins notice their hairlines are starting to recede.
Dolphins go bald, too. Tough for humans to notice, but dolphins notice... Anyway...
Understandably, they start getting a little down in the dumps recognizing the loss of their youth and feeling a profound sense of their own mortality.
In a moment of clarity, one dolphin says to his buddy, Hey compadre, we don't have to just *accept* this as our new normal, ya know? What with modern fashion and technology these days… we can *do* something about this!
So they went out and bought matching hairpieces. They were toupees in a pod.
Pardon me but I live in France and am writing this by Google Translate. Thank my God for modern day technology. I am speaking French into my phone this moment and I get the English translation. Father, if you are reading this, I need to tell you about my true sexuality and why I have no girlfriend.
I like ten.
Why wasn't Jesus born in modern day Australia?
Because God wouldn't be able to find find 3 wise men or a v**....