Model Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It's a pretty good µ-boat.

What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla Model S?

The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year

Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model...

They hired me as the "before" picture.

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees? he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn't work properly.

Hmm, it looks okay, says the server, and starts the chainsaw.

The man jumps back in shock and cries, What's that noise?

I'm 45 and have the body of a 25 year old model!

She's in my basement, any suggestions?

I have the body of a 20 year old model,

But it takes up too much room in my freezer.

Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don't pay for your services?

Zuckerberg: 1010011010 .......Ahem

Zuckerberg: Senator, we run ads

Arrested at the airport

I'm a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model

When i landed in New York the TSA asked me are you here for business or pleasure
I responded I'm here for the new 911

impress your children by showing them a floppy disk and telling them it's a 3D model of a save icon.

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

Twelve Italian priests...

...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!

I don't care what anyone says about Neymar faking hurt

he's still my roll model!

An old man was crying on a park bench

An old man was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. Another man approached and said "Hey old timer, whats up"?

The old man says through his tears "Oh it's awful! Last month I won £1,000,000 on the lottery and I met a beautiful girl who is a topless model and 50 years younger than me! We got married last week and the sex is incredible! She caters to my every need and she waits on me hand and foot"!

"WOW"! Says the man, you sound like you've got it made! So why all the crying"??

The old man looks up at him and cries out "I can't remember where I fucking live"!!!

A Woman walks into a sex shop to buy a dildo

"I want that one.." She points to a massive display of dildos on the wall.


The manager picks up one of the best sellers: "This is one of our popular models. It feels very real."


She points back to the wall & says.."No. I want that one..." So, the manager picks up another one:
"Ah..this model just arrived. Comes with multiple vibration settings & textures but quite pricey.."

The woman's eyes light up when she finally sees a big, bright red shiny one at the corner of the wall display.



"That one! I want that. How much is it?"



The manager says: "Oh sorry. That's not for sale. That's the Fire Extinguisher".

Three generals are having a day off at the beach

The American General begins to boast: "Our submarines are the best in the world! The newest 2016 model can stay weeks under water without having to surface!"

The Russian general is unimpressed and says: "Russian U-boat is best. Months we stay under water and no need to go up!"

The German general is impressed and doesn't know what to say.

Suddenly they see waves appearing a little off the shore and with a splash, a submarine surfaces. The hatch opens and the emerging soldier raises his right arm "Heil Hitler! We are out of fuel!"

There was a child who was absolutely obsessed with tractors

He had tractor wallpaper, model tractors, pictures of tractors.. everything was about tractors for him.

However, as he grew older his love for tractors faded.

He went to university, married a girl and they had kids.

One day he came home and his house was on fire and his family were trapped inside!

He ran to the front door, took a deep breath and sucked all of the flames into his mouth.

Sobbing, his wife came out with the children and screamed 'HOW ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT?'

He replied, calmly 'It's easy. I'm an ex-tractor fan.'

Did you hear that Apple is coming out with YET ANOTHER new iPhone model?

Critics are calling it the iPhone Xs.

(

Manliest man ever contest

Three men joined the Manliest Man Ever contest, the one who passed 3 rooms will get the award:
- First room: 10 barrels of best wine
- Second room: 10 times with a very hot model
- Third room: 10 hours with a tiger.

The first guy goes with the girl room, and after 8 times, he quit. The second guy goes with the tiger, and after 8 hours, he quit.

The last guy said "f**k the contest, I will try the wine first", the he goes to the first room. After 10 barrels, he somehow managed to go to the tiger room. 10 hours later, he came out, and said

"Hell of a night man. Now, show me the tiger room"

A doctor, a priest and a model are driving.

So the three of them are driving on a country road, when they hit a bunny. They stop and get out, overwhelmed with sympathy for their fluffy victim, it lies motionless on the road


The doctor draws on all his skills to try and get the bunny up again, but to no avail. The priest kneels down and gives the bunny his last rites and blesses it. They are about to bury it when the model stops them.


She takes a can of hairspray and sprays the bunny all over. It gets up and hops away as the priest and the doctor stand speechless. Ten yards down the road the bunny turns around and waves at the tree companions. Twenty yards away, it turns around and waves again. This goes on until the bunny disappears into the high grass beside the road.


"What on earth is in that spray can?", asks the doctor.


"I don't know ..." replies the model, "... but it certainly works as advertised" And she hands the doctor the can.


The can reads: "instantly revives your hair, adds a permanent wave"

Short gun story

A man walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a colt 45 model 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who is sleeping with my wife!"

A voice yelled from the back of the bar, "You're gonna need more ammo!"

Things Men Shouldn't Say in a Victoria's Secret Store

1. No thanks... Just sniffing.

2. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

3. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

4. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

5. Will you model this for me?

6. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.

7. $85? Are you kidding? She's just going to end up *naked* anyway!

I'm just gonna go

There are 3 brothers that sleep in the same bed. After one night, the one in the middle got in the shower, while the other two went into the kitchen. One of them said "Dude I had the best dream ever last night. This super model gave me a blowjob. Aww man I jizzed my pants." The second brother said "Me too this super model and I did missionary. Aww I jizzed my pants too." The brother that sleeps in the middle gets out of the shower. The two brothers say "Hey we had awesome dreams." The middle brother says "Me too I dreamt I was skiing."

A blonde joke

A blonde goes to the store to return her TV she just bought. She takes it to the customer service desk and tells the employee that her TV is defective and would like to return it for a working model.
The employee looks at her and says "I'm sorry but we do not serve blondes".
The lady comes back to the next day wearing a brown wig and attempts to return her TV. The salesman looks at her and says "I'm sorry but we don't serve blondes here."
The Lady comes back again the next day with a black wig and attempts to return her TV. The salesman says the same thing "I'm sorry but we do not serve blondes here."
Confused, the lady asks how the salesman knew she was a blonde with the wig.
The salesman replies "This is a microwave".

The Engineer and the Red Rubber Ball

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

my friend has a model fish collection

they are all to scale

Had to quit my job as an underwear model

because the photographer kept telling me, "I'm just a cashier" and that I "need to leave Macy's."

Twelve monks were about to be ordained...


Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.

Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk.

As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring...

Senior Driver

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore !! "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and
left!"

A guy gets stranded on a deserted island with a supermodel...

After about two weeks, they give in to their desires and start having sex. After about three weeks of this, the guy says to the model, "Would you do me a favor?" "Sure she says." "First, put my clothes on," he says. "Next, would you draw a beard and mustache on your face with this piece of coal I found?" "Sure," she says hesitantly. "Finally, can I call you Fred?" he asks. "Okay... " she agrees. "Great! Hey Fred, you'll never guess who I've been banging for the last three weeks!"

Soon enough, Apple will make the brilliant move of following a big trend in the gaming industry...

..."remastering" the ORIGINAL iPhone rather than releasing a new model.

I like my women as I like my pre-expansion universes

So hot and dense that it violates the Pauli exclusion principle and demands a better understanding of the standard model

My sister wanted to be a model but she was too small.

So she became a scale model.

A sailor and a female model survive a shipwreck.

A ship sinks, and a sailor and a female model manage to swim to an unpopulated island. There are enough resources for them to survive, so they start to live there, eventually becoming a couple. After two years, the sailor suddenly looks at the model with a desperate expression, and says" "I cannot take it any longer. Could you please pretend for a while that you are a man?" The model is surprised, but eventually agrees. The sailor says to her, with a huge smile on his face, "Dude, just imagine it: For TWO YEARS, I´ve been fucking this extremely sexy model!"

I have the body of a 22 years old model!

WHERE SHOULD I HIDE IT? QUICK GUYS THE POLICE ARE AFTER ME

I have the body of a 22-year-old model

He's in my freezer, and now I have no room for my ice cream.

Olie & Lena are driving down the road in their Model T...

Suddenly, a mother skunk enters the roadway with her two young babies. Olie can't stop in time and runs the mother over.

It winter time and Lena jumps out of the car to rescue the two orphans. She gets them back in and they're shivering:

Oh, Olie! They're so cold! What should I do to warm them up?

Why don't you put them between your legs?

Oh, but Olie- what about the terrible smell?

They're skunks, Lena. I don't think they'll mind.

Worlds Smartest Man, Worlds Strongest Man, a Preacher and a Boyscout

...are all on a plane and it's about to crash.
Problem is there is only 3 parachutes.

So...
The worlds smartest man grabs a parachute and says, "I'm the worlds smartest man, I can solve many problems and find solutions for the future of humanity". He jumps out the plane.

The worlds strongest man grabs a parachute and says, "I'm the worlds strongest man, I am a role model to many, and I can save many lives by just aspiring people by my physique". He jumps out the plane

With one parachute remaining, the preacher looks at the boy scout and says, "I've led a very good life my son, take the last parachute, God will take care of me"

The boy scout looks at the preacher and says, "We both can jump! The worlds smartest man grabbed my backpack!"

Picabo Street is a former World Cup alpine ski racer and model. When she was inducted into the National Ski Hall of Fame in 2004, her home town of Triumph, Idaho dedicated an entire wing of the local hospital to her.

It's called the Picabo ICU.

What do Tits & Model Trains have in common?

Tits & Model Trains were both intended for children,
but are played with by grown men.

Did you hear about the model who thought she was going to a beauty pageant? Turns out it was a kidnapping.

She was Miss Taken

I have the body of a 20 year old model...

Unfortunately it won't fit in my freezer.

I've always looked up to the Pillsbury doughboy.

You could say he's my roll model.

The Tesla Model 3 was named after

The number of years it takes you to get one after ordering it.

I have a perfect dad bod.

I'm a roll model.

What do you call a wannabe model?

A poser!

What's the model name of Tesla's new SUV?

Journalist: What's the model name of the upcoming SUV?

Elon Musk: 'Y'.

Journalist: Because I'm asking. Musk: And I'm telling you.

Journalist: So if you're telling me, what did you say it's called?

Musk: 'Y'

Journalist: Why?

Musk: Exactly.

Journalist: So it's the model 'Exactly'?

Musk: No, 'Y'.

Journalist: 'know why' what!?

Musk: Not 'what', just 'Y.'

Journalist: *I don't know!*

Musk: No… that's the timeframe for delivery.

A man answers a Craigslist ad for a Porsche for sale.

He goes to check it out, it's a nice late model sport coupe being sold by a middle-aged lady. The engine purrs, the car is clean as a whistle, and drives like a dream. But when he asks the price, the lady tells him $100. This sets off his BS meter, so he starts trying to figure out what's wrong. Is it salvage title? No. She does realize it's a much more valuable car? Yes. Is... is it stolen? No.
So why $100?
The lady explains "Last week my husband goes on a business trip. He then emails me and tells me he is staying in Atlanta, wants to shack up with his secretary, and instructed me to sell the Porsche and send him the proceeds."

Little Johnny at "What Does Your Dad Do?" day at school

so okay. Little Johnny's at school and it's "What does your dad do for a living" day. Teacher asks around, the first kid goes,
"My dad throws himself in front of cars for insurance money".
Teacher goes: "Oh...okay." To the next kid:
"My dad is a moustache model for the gay porn industry!" Next kid:
"My dad's a ladyboy now!"
next kid, "My dad shoots birds at the airport". The teacher's thinking, tough crowd.
So it's Little Johnny's turn but he starts crying his eyes out and he runs out of the room. The teacher's confused, thinking "what's this kid embarassed of at this point" but she goes out into the hallway to console him, going "It's okay. You don't have to tell the class, it's okay, stop crying. You can tell me, though." Little Johnny goes "MY DAD PLAYS FOR THE AMERICAN OLYMPIC HOCKEY TEAM :(" and bawls his eyes out even more.

You can make that joke about any hockey/sports team that you hate/lost recently

You know what they say about guys with big feet?

They say that shoe shopping is a horrible ordeal for us, and you wouldn't believe how accurate that statement is. I looked through 7 different stores to find a pair that fit me. Thank god that one is still in business, I've worn the same model for 5 years now because they're the only ones that fit. And don't get me started on ski boots. It took 6 months of searching until I found a pair in the very back of a small shop 50 miles away from where I live. This whole thing is an exercise in frustration. At least having a huge cock makes up for it.

There are five frogs staring at me right now

but only one can be America's top model.

TIFU by spraying water on a topless model

Now all the seats are wet

What do you call a sick Instagram model?

An Influenza

I confused a tube of super glue with a tube of lube

It was horrible. My model airplane kept slipping apart.

Was shopping for a toilet. Sales guy showed me the newest model they had in store.

It uploads all my shit to Facebook.

A newlywed couple were renovating their new house.

When they came to do the kitchen, they couldn't decide on which sink to choose. There were loads of nice looking models in the catalogue, and there were quite a few that matched the other decor.

One day, they were in the kitchen trying to finally decide on which one to choose. All of a sudden, a Hispanic man smashed through the window and started screaming that they had to choose the Waterbasin model.

The wife fainted from shock, and the man simply stood there with his jaw on the floor, too surprised to do anything.

Nobody expects the Spanish Sink Decision.

What do you call midget on a catwalk?

Scale model

George Washington and two other people go to Heaven...

Mahatma Gandhi and two other people die and go to heaven. However, they're really far from the gates and must get there somehow. Someone comes up to them and says,

"I can get you a car to reach the gates. The car'll depend on how many kids you had when you were alive."

The first person says he had 2 children. The person replies,

"Well, that's not too many."

And whips up a sports car for him to drive to the Gates.

The second person says that he had 5 children.

"That's a lot!"

And whips him up a broken down Ford Model T.

George Washington had to get to the Gates by foot. The two other people were waiting for him there. When they asked why he had to do that, since he didn't have any children when he was alive:

"Some idiot told him I'm the father of my country!"

Oh, and thanks /u/reg8382748 for pointing it out, PRETEND GEORGE WASHINGTON KNOWS WHAT THE FRICK A CAR IS.

Started seeing this amazing girl in a wheelchair.

She was my roll model but I found out she actually looked up to me!

Do you know the definition of Dilemma?

Lying in a bed naked between two people, on your left is a gay guy and on the right is a super model, which one do you turn your back to?

The Pianist

A man walks into a bar and bets the barkeeper that if he can show him something he's never seen before,he gets a free drink. The bartender agrees. The man pulls a tiny man,about a foot high,and a model piano from his pocket and the tiny man plays one of Beethoven's Symphonies perfectly. The bartender gives the man his free drink,and asks where he got the little guy. The man reveals he has a genie who gives him unlimited wishes,and says the bartender can have a wish. The bartender makes his wish,and a countless amount of ducks fill the bar. "What the hell? Your genie's nearly deaf! I wished for a million bucks,not a million ducks!" the bartender yells. The man replies:"You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

A granpda asks his just graduated grandchild

Grandpa: So what will you do for a living now that you earned your bachelor's degree?

Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract

Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient

So this guy is a model human being, right?

He works hard for his family, doesn't drink or do drugs, donates to charity and volunteers at the soup kitchen every week. He's honest, friendly, patient and kind. And every night, before he goes to sleep, he looks up at the stars and prays to God that he will win the lottery.

The man grows old, never changing his ways, and never praying for anything else. One night, he looks up at the stars and says, "God, I have done my best to be a good human being. I've worked hard and paid my dues, and I just don't understand why I haven't won the lottery yet. Why God?"

Suddenly the skies part, God appears before him, and shouts "You have to buy a fucking ticket first!"

A vacuum cleaner company removed their latest model from stores a week after launch,

All user reviews said that it sucked.

I made a friend who liked model ships.

I sent him a secondhand model that I found at a garage sale along with my phone number. He texted me soon after:

Hey man, it's Jesus. You sent me a model ship and I really appreciate it but it's missing a part.

Is it the steering wheel?

Actually yeah. How did you know?

It fell out of the box but I didn't want to bother you with an envelope containing only the wheel. I'll come deliver it to you if that's okay.

No, man, it's one part, you don't have to!

Jesus, take the wheel.

Tesla released a teaser image for their upcoming new crossover vehicle

**Tesla released a teaser image for their upcoming new crossover vehicle.**

Journalist: What's the model name?

Musk: 'Y'

Journalist: Because I'm asking you. Musk: And I'm telling you.

Journalist: So if you're telling me, what did you say it's called?

Musk: 'Y'

Journalist: Why?

Musk: Exactly.

Journalist: So it's the model 'Exactly'?

Musk: No, 'Y'.

Journalist: 'know why' what!?

Musk: Not 'what', just 'Y.'

Journalist: *I don't know!*

Musk: No… that's the timeframe for delivery.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

A PETA advertising model.

I once went to a modeling contest...

Not only did I get dead last, but I also received 508 get well soon cards.

I used to be a hand model

But then I couldn't get enough hand jobs

\- Craig Ferguson

The robot which is the latest model from Japan

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

What's the difference between a man and a computer?

When a man finally goes down on you, you don't get rid of it for a newer model.

A TV repair man goes on a call to fix a TV.

When he arrives, he notes the make and model of the TV. He walks off to the side and smacks the TV. Instantly the TV starts to work again, the picture is better than ever. He then walks back to the dumbfound customer and hands him a bill for $200. The customer balks at the bill. "$200?! There's no way I'm paying you unless you can justify a $200 bill just for smacking the TV." The the repairman takes back the bill and re-writes it.

Services Rendered:

* Smacking the TV - $0.00

* Knowing where to smack - $200.00

I work in digital advertising.

I'm a hand model.

I used to be a hand model...

But I wasn't able to get enough hand jobs.

A model was walking down the runway...

She got hit by an airplane.

Models

Why did the models keep tripping on the runway?




They were showing off the fall lineup. Badumtss

The Old Driver

A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair.

"My goodness" he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!"

"Yes" he replied," I am old enough that I don't need a license anymore, the last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him."
He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket".

"You won't be needing this anymore", he said.

"So I thanked him and left."

What are the funniest model jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Model? Well, here are the best Model puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Model pick up lines to share with friends.

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