mixed Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious mixed puns

I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

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Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

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My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up...

So I just packed my bags and right...

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Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

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I once mixed Red Bull and coffee

After 20 minutes on highway I noticed that I forgot my car at home

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Elderly man goes to the doctor to collect his wife's reports...

Doctor: Unfortunately we have mixed up her reports with someone else. so she either has AIDS or alzheimer's.

Distraught old man: oh my god doctor! what should i do??

Doctor: (*thinks for a sec*) drop her to the edge of the city and if she makes it back don't fuck her

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I asked my friend about his time in prison.

"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."

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I've been texting this cute dyslexic girl.

I think she likes me, but she keeps sending mixed messages.

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A Husband and Wife

Were watching a TV show on mixed emotions one night. The husband says "This is a load of bullshit. I bet there isn't anything you can say that could make me happy and sad at the same time." His wife turns to him, pats him on the knee and says "Honey, out of all of your friends, you have the biggest dick."

(Sorry if repost, one of my favorite jokes I tell)

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I like my single malt how I like my girls.

15 years old and mixed up with coke.

(Just a joke, I would never condone mixing single malt and coke)

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Mixed Emotions

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and mad at the same time."

She said: "O.K., out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

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What do you call mixed emotions?

Watching your mother-in-law reverse off a cliff in your brand new car

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I'm have mixed feelings about abortion.

On one hand, I love killing babies, on the other I hate giving women rights.

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A husband and wife are sitting watching a TV program...

...about the psychology of mixed emotions.

The husband says "what a bunch of horse shit. I tell you what: if you can make feel happy and sad at the same time, I'll do the dishes for the rest of the year.

His wife thinks for a second and replies "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

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What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede?

Bacon and scrambled legs.

Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.

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I like my women like I like my whiskey

15 years old and mixed up in coke.

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This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up.

I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

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A biker walks into a bar

and tells the bartender that he has a blonde joke. The bartender says, "I'd be careful saying a blonde joke here. On your left is a blonde lady that does mixed martial arts, and on your right is a blonde female cop. Not to mention, there are 3 blonde lady bartenders including myself. Are you sure you still want to tell it?" The biker then replies, "Well, not anymore if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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I like my women like I like my scotch.

Eighteen years old and mixed up with coke.

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I, too, went to a mixed religion seminar...

...But in the hopes of learning more about charity. First I asked a Buddhist monk: "How do you decide what to give away and what to keep for yourself?" "Child's play", he said. "I draw a small circle in the ground, throw my money into the air, and what falls outside of the circle I give to Buddha". Next I asked a catholic priest. "Easy my son", he told me. "All I do is draw a small circle in earth, throw my money to the heavens, and what falls into the circle I give to God". Finally, I asked a Rabbi. "Simple!" he answered. "I throw my money into the air and what god wants, he takes!"

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Mixed up nurse

A doctor walks into a ward in his hospital and sees one of his patients is half dead. He calls the nurse over and asks

"Nurse, did you give this man three spoonfuls of medicine every four hours, as prescribed?"

The nurse replies, "No, I gave him four spoonfuls of medicine every three hours. My mistake."

The doctor looks over to the other side of the ward and sees another of his patients is half dead. He asks the nurse

"Nurse, did you give this man one pill every five hours, as prescribed?"

The nurse replies, "No, I gave him five pills every hour. Sorry."

The doctor looks over and sees another of his patients. This one is completely dead. He yells

"Nurse! Did you prick his boil?!"

The nurse looks at her chart and says, "Oops"

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I like my women like I like my whisky

18 years old and mixed up in coke

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I've heard mixed reviews about cannibalism...

It varies from person to person.

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A lady walks into a bar

She takes a seat and tells the bartender that she's usually a mixed drink kind of lady, but tonight she'd like a beer and needs a little help choosing one.

The bartender asks: "Light or dark?"

"Light."

Then he asks "Imported or domestic?"

"Domestic!"

He offers: "Anheuser-Busch?"

Flattered, she returns: "Fine, thanks, how's your prick?"

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Mixed emotions.

A husband & wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of Mixed Emotions .

The husband turned to his wife & said,
That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can not tell me anything that will make me happy & sad at the same time.

The wife said: out of all your friends, you have the biggest Dick.

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I think I promised my wife I'd have 2 drinks and be home by 8

I always get those two mixed up

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Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise.

-Cole's Law

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A nun goes to a clinic to get a blood test...

And the nurse gets her blood results mixed up with a prostitute's. When she goes in for the results a couple days later, she opens the envelop *that said she was pregnant. She then exclaims: "damn! You can't even trust candles now days!"

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A couple is watching Dr. Phil and he begins to talk about mixed emotions.

The man laughs and says "I can't have mixed emotions. Either I'm happy or sad. There is no middle ground. And I don't believe anyone can be."
After a lengthy debate, and the woman not making any head way with him, she sighs and says, "OK, I can prove it."
He laughs more and says "there is nothing you can say to me,that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The woman replies, "of all your friends... your dick is the biggest."

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I like my scotch same as I like my women

18 years old and mixed up with coke

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I told my wife to make sure the coconut oil is mixed nicely with the kale

so I can easily scrape it into the garbage.

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A professor asked one of his automotive students if he knew what the definition of "mixed emotions" was...

The student said "watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new Cadillac."

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I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.

Which is the one about being in a closet?

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Today, I got up early...

...put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

She sleepily replied, 'I know, can you believe my husband is out golfing in that stuff?'

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What are the most funny Mixed jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mixed? Well, here are the best Mixed dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mixed pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes