mitzvah Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious mitzvah puns

TIL that at age 13 Jewish girls have a Bat Mitzvah and at age 15 Latina girls have a...

Baby shower.

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A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."

"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

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Dog Bar Mitzvah

A man walks into a synagogue with his dog. He goes up to the Rabbi and he says.

Man: Rabbi, I want my dog to have a Bar Mitzvah and I want to do it here

Rabbi: What are you, crazy? We can't do that!

Man: Please, I'll do anything

Rabbi: No, it can't be done

Man: Rabbi, I don't think you understand, I'm willing to donate $20,000 to this synagogue

Rabbi: Why didn't you tell me your dog was Jewish?!

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Why is everyone picking on Jews?

A comedian was going into his favourite joke, "One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to..." when a heckler from the audience interrupted.

"Moskowitz and Finkelstein! why does it always have to be two Jews? Can't you tell a joke with any other nationalities involved!? Why don't you make them Chinese for a change?"

The comedian rejoined, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend. How about this: One day, Lee Ho and Mao Chen were on their way to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Lee Ho's nephew..."

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A Nazi walks into a Bar

-Mitzvah. It did not go well

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A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.

What did you do? asked the man of the rabbi.

I turned to God for the answer, replied the rabbi.

What did he say? asked the man.

He said, Funny you should come to me...

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A German man walks into a bar...

mitzvah and arrests every body.

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2 Jews walk into a bar...

mitzvah

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What do you sing at a twins bat mitzvah?

Happy birthday two Jews

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Three Jews walk into a bar

Mitzvah.

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My favorite bee joke

A bee is flying around on a rainy day, sad because the sun isn't out, when he sees another bee. They stop and talk to each other, the bee says this sucks. His friend replies you have to go down the street and check out this synagogue I was just at. There is a bar mitzvah going on right now. What's a bar mitzvah? It's a celebration, it's indoors and they have so many flowers all over the room, it's wonderful. That sounds great, says the bee I have just one more question. Yes? What is that thing on your head? This thing, it's called a Yakama. Why are you wearing it? I didn't want the people at the synagogue to think I was a wasp.

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A Jewish Lawyer...

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

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I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight

Turns out it was a bar mitzvah

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A Jewish father was troubled...

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah, it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the father.

"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the father.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

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A Jew walks into a bar

mitzvah

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A Jew walks into a bar

Mitzvah

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A Rabi walks into a bar

mitzvah

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How does a Bat Girl become a Bat Woman?

She has a Bat Mitzvah

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Two Jews walk into a bar....

mitzvah.

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What was Hitler's favorite bar?

Bar Mitzvah

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So a jewish boy walks into a bar

mitzvah

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Did you hear about the riot at the bar mitzvah reception?

There were mazel tov cocktails everywhere!

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\ \ What did the clam say \ \ at his nephew's bar mitzvah? \

\ Mollusktov Shellhome! \ \

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Who celebrated his Bar Mitzvah in the Old West?

Billy the Yid.

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a Rabbi, an accountant, a banker, and a doctor walk into a bar

mitzvah

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Where do men go for vacation after their bar mitzvah?

Jew-bouti

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What did the Russian Jew throw at his bar mitzvah?

Mazel tov cocktails

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\ \ What did the clamsay \ \ at his nephew's bar mitzvah?? \

\Mollusktov, Shellhome! \ \

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Did you know Albert Einstein was also known on weekends as a clean-music-only bar mitzvah DJ?

Yeah, he went by the name MC Square.

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Hitler walks into a bar

Mitzvah

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I got to my bar mitzvah late

The rabbi decided to cut it short

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A jewish person walks into a bar

Mitzvah

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Where does a Jewish farmer become a man?

At his Barn Mitzvah

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Three strippers walk into a bar

Mitzvah

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Man walks into a bar...

mitzvah. There was no beer so he left lol

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What are the most funny Mitzvah jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mitzvah? Well, here are the best Mitzvah dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mitzvah pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes