The Best 46 Mitch Hedberg Jokes

Mitch Hedberg was a popular stand-up comedian known for his hilariously observational jokes. This article rounds up some of his funniest jokes about everyday life.

Top 10 Funniest Mitch Hedberg Jokes and Puns

A joke I wrote in the style of Mitch Hedberg...

I'm gonna change my name to 'marriage,' man.
That way, all those girls out there can be saving themselves for *me*!

Last week I had to put down my dog. It was sad.

I said, you are one dumb dog.

Mitch Hedberg-type joke.

I saw a bible supply store on the way over here. I did not realize bibles required supplies. I was under the impression they came fully equipped. "Hey, you coming to the revival this weekend? No, man, my bible wants to go camping. We have to stop at store. For supplies. Like a tiny can of beans. And a little tent."

I'm really good with cars, man.

I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's going. - Mitch Hedberg

jokes about mitch hedberg

I was at a job interview...

I was at a job interview and the boss asked me where I saw myself in 5 years and I said celebrating the 5 year anniversary of you asking me this question.

R.I.P Mitch Hedberg


One time, this guy handed me a picture of him,

He said "here's a picture of me when I was younger." I responded "Every picture is of you when you were younger."

-Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing....

But I don't know how to show it.
- Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg joke, I'm against picketing....

I was at a rock and roll concert...

...and the lead singer came up and said: "how many of you feel human being tonight?"

Then he said: "how many of you feel like animals?"

And everyone cheered after the animals part.

But I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question. - Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot...

...is the ultimate stocking stuffer. - Mitch Hedberg

I tried to walk into Target

But I missed. - Mitch Hedberg

[Remembering] Today is the 10th anniversary of the passing of Mitch Hedberg

Share some of your favorite Hedberg lines! Personally, I quote these ones the most:

"I have not slept for ten days because that would be too long."

"I used to do drugs. I still do. But I used to, too!"

You can explore mitch hedberg homiesexual reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mitch hedberg keith dad jokes. There are also mitch hedberg puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


So many years after his death, I stayed in room 1401 and remembered how great Mitch Hedberg was.

"The hotel I'm staying in has no 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But people on the 14th floor: You know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? 1401? No, you're not! If you jump out that window, you will die earlier."
— Mitch Hedberg

R.I.P.

My attempt at a Mitch Hedberg joke

"Why are people always having their pizzas delivered? Just order them without liver."

My girlfriend got crabs...

so i bought her a fishnet stocking

-Mitch Hedberg

When I started doing stand-up, I didn't have a lot of my own material, so I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes

I still do, but I used to too.

You know the fly was really close to being called a land...

Because that's what it does half the time.

RIP Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg joke, You know the fly was really close to being called a land...

I've never been booed off stage.

I've never been booed off stage! Sure, I've been booed on stage plenty of times... but never off stage.

In honor of Mitch Hedberg. RIP.

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and try to pass them off as my own.

I still do, but I used to too.

Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking

It's as hard as it is to start flossing

- Mitch Hedberg

I miss this man every day :(


Breaking news: Mitch Hedberg dead at 48

Has been dead since 37, but is still dead, too.

Alcoholism is the only disease you get yelled at for having

Dammit Otto, you're an alcoholic

Dammit Otto, you have lupus

One of those doesn't sound right

RIP Mitch Hedberg

Fire exits

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

-Mitch Hedberg

What would Mitch Hedberg say if he were alive?

Hey man, get me out of this coffin.

You know what? I'm sick of following my dreams!

I'm just going to ask where they're going, and catch up with them later.

--RIP Mitch Hedberg

This is a Mitch Hedberg inspired joke

So I was moving a refrigerator and I needed some extra strength. Instead of grabbing some Tylenol, I snagged a couple of Altoids instead. Cause I'll admit, I was curious...

Mitch Hedberg Joke - Escalators

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an 'escalator temporarily out of order' sign, only 'escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"
-Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg joke, Mitch Hedberg Joke - Escalators

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg

Best joke that's ever been told.

I'm a heroine addict

I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

- Mitch Hedberg

Tribute joke to Mitch Hedberg. I went to a farm. They told me, Everything we raise here is organic.

I hope so! Because I'm not eating a chicken made of rocks.


If i got a dollar for every Mitch Hedberg joke i stole

I'd be making money in a very strange way.

I used to like Mitch Hedberg

I still do, but I used to too

I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hot dogs to teenagers!

You've got both your legs, Frank

Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.

-Mitch Hedberg (That 70's Show)

I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck.

Don't go see Dr. Acula.

My favorite Mitch Hedberg joke:

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.


Went to the doctor and the only thing he did was take blood from my neck

Do not go see Dr. Acula

-mitch hedberg Rip to a king..

I got tired of chasing my dreams

I told them go where ever and I would meet up with them later.

\-Mitch Hedberg

I used to love hearing people make Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do, but I used to too.

I used to copy Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do, but I used to, too.

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I mean, I still do, but I used to, too.

I got a world map for my wall, I'm going to put pins in all the places I've traveled to ...

... but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

(credit to Mitch Hedberg, about 2003)

I just got the Mitch Hedberg COVID test.

I asked my friend if he knows anyone with COVID.

He said No.

So I know I don't have COVID because he knows me.

I cant remember who this comedian or how the joke goes 100% but the gist is

So theres this joke i heard when i was young, my mom showed me him on youtube, it was a very deadpan, dry comedian, almost like mitch hedberg, and i cant remember who it was, but the gist of the joke is, "two aliens landed in their spaceship and walked up to me, they were super short, and i asked, hey, is everyone of your species this short? And they replied, no, we're just really far away"

Mitch Hedberg died of a drug overdose...

Which means the drugs came from Mexico. Otherwise, he would've over-two'd.

I used to miss Mitch Hedberg...

I still do, but I used to as well.

Hey Mitch Hedberg, what's the date today?

Just press 2 for a while!

Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mitch hedberg yeet jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working mitch hedberg lindsay piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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